Well so far so good, we've survived the cinema trip & lunch out, he kept trying to catch my eye, was making jokes & even stole food off my plate.. I just don't understand him? He then said to the kids that thy were going back to Mummys house... I hate it when he does that! Posted via Mobile Device
He has already told you he is done and doesn't thi nk he loves you.
I know that sounds harsh and it IS harsh to read but he's alredy stated his position to you. ALL YOU CAN DO is accept that. You can't fight someone on something like feelings or make them feela certain way. Think about a guy you have rejected before...and he kept coming back. Andn ynou were rolling your eyes and it was turning you off andn you were thinking, what a chump this dude is. Why? Because he could not respect the fact that you were'nt into him no mmatter how bad/mean he was to you. See? This is how your husband is right now. The more you try to convince him to stay/love you/be with you, the more he is running away. So he dangles a carrot in front of your face to see if you'll bite so it strokes his ego. It's all about him. Sorry but ti's true. And he only continues to do this because you are allowing him at this point. The more you hang with him and call him and contact him asking when he will come around, the more desperate it is making you look;. Get your dignity, woman. He isn't into you right now. Just disappear for awhile (besides co-parenting). He may come round, he may not.l But in the meantime he's already made his choice CRYSTAL clear to you. You deserve better.
BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS to BE WITH YOU. Nothing less.
Going NC does not mean your marriage won't work. It means that your H will accept that you're able to live without him, that you will set boundaries for yourself, and that you're a strong person. It's possible that he'll not want to be with you, BUT THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENING! Right now you're letting him know that you're okay being cheated on, being left to deal with the children on your own, accepting that he doesn't have to support you during cancer, and are willing to be #2. He IS emotionally abusive and I think you've been dealing with it for so long that you refuse to see it.
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AWESOME post and I agree 100% with everything you said.
Sorry guys but I completely agree with AmI...I think NC makes you look like a Bit*ch....
I think she is doing great and she is showing another side of her to him and things might change.
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Right now you're letting him know that you're okay being cheated on, being left to deal with the children on your own, accepting that he doesn't have to support you during cancer, and are willing to be #2.
Don't agree with this!
She does not send a message that she is fine that he cheated on her ...her message is that she is willing to forgive and work on marriage.She will never be OK but she is willing to put it behind.
I think he is scared exactly of that,that she is constantly going to bring up that he effed up ...and he can't stand that.
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He IS emotionally abusive and I think you've been dealing with it for so long that you refuse to see it.
From what AmI tells us about HIM,he is an amazing guy,he is abusive at the moment because that is how he can cope with what he is doing.My H also did that.I don't count this against him,he never ever treated me badly in 10 years...not even a tiny bit...so i can not label him as an abusive person just because of these crazy 3-4 months.
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He has already told you he is done and doesn't thi nk he loves you.
My H. told me this numerous times too,he was so really convinced a few times as well that he wants divorce.
I stopped fighting him while back and I have to say it made a world of a difference.
Yesterday he came to bring daughter back ...in the middle of the night....i was out partying and told him to tell me when they approach so i can leave the party and meet them home...it was 3 am (i had a blast BTW) .I was all dressed up...looked smoking hot .
He saw me and his jaw dropped, kept staring at me and said numerous times that i look hot..he hugged me ,told me he is excited that we are getting back together,kissed me BUT i didn't allow him to kiss me the right way KWIM. You know...he can't eat the cake until...
I asked him if he is scared,he said no I'm not i'm excited now.He even said that he'll start looking at houses in the next 2 weeks.
Anyways he left last night in the middle of the night back to SC .
Today he called me 2 times,complimented me again that i looked amazing last night and he keeps thinking about me ,i just said ""great,thank you" . Tonight he send me a message that he'll be looking for houses tomorrow....He is slowly getting his feelings back for me,i can tell big time....
So what i was trying to say that with the right effort and tactic,feelings can come back to a person.I was/am convinced that H. actually never lost his ,i could feel it...he was just confused...he lost himself.Sorry but I believe u can tell when someone doesn't love you.
Same with AMI...if she can feel that her H. still has it for her...it's worth the fight...things can turn around.
AmI ...Happy Bday to your precious little one. Hope all her dreams come true.
Sending you positive energy for tomorrow babe ,fingers crossed it goes the way it's supposed to .I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
(((big beart HUGS)))
I don't agree with this. First of all, you don't HAVE to cut off all communication. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. You can be civil and polite and pleasant. I chat amicably with my husband when I talk to him and see him.
What I don't do is bring myself down and "discuss" things with him that are going to depress or anger me. I don't get down in the pit with him anymore. Tonight was a perfect example. He called me up spoiling for a confrontation and I didn't bite. Just the fact that HE called ME says something because for WEEKS he never called! I was very pleasant to him and said I am letting him dictate the way things are. He finally hung up on me in frustration. Ok, that's fine. My night wasn't ruined. But note, I didn't call him back or go over to his house and try and "fix" things..all stuff I would've done in the very recent past and THAT would've given him both the satisfaction that he has control over me and allowed him license to continue on with his abuse. THAT is what the 180 aims to stop.
I'm done with that crap. I don't beg or plead or ask why he doesn't love me. I keep it friendly but distant. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. The 180 SAYS you shouldn't be nasty or cold or angry. It stresses to be the type of person your husband would want to be! My husband doesn't want me to be angry or confrontative and I'm NOT.. but he's thrown off balance by what I am now so he's having to deal with that. But that's not my problem.
I think that's where things are progressing on two different paths here. I made that point earlier that one crowd interprets it one way and the other a different way. I guess it depends on your mindset, your situation and what your comfort zone is.
I'm the type of person that tends to cut people who have wronged me out of their lives. I walk away from toxic people.If I didn't have kids and other factors in my life dictating that I deal with my husband he'd be gone right now. Completely persona non grata. I tend to be rather cynical when it comes to people and human nature. I don't think they can change much so you are stuck with what you got.
But others try and work things out. They are more optimistic and hopeful. This alone says a lot. I think what we have here is a situation of each person having to do what's best for them.
Obviously AmIMad isn't comfortable pulling back and taking a distant, harder approach. I have my doubts about how things will work out for her but I hate to say, I'm not neutral or objective in how I see her husband. I don't like adulterers. I don't like game players. I don't like people who are abusive to other people. I put him in all these categories. But I don't know or love the guy either.
Vivea and Crank obviously see something in him that's different. I tend to think of you both as more optimistic, hopeful and yes, more softhearted. It's not a bad thing, but it's not the way I tend to roll.
I've said my piece in my multitudes of posts. My situation is FAR different and I come from a different perspective. What I will do is wish AmImad the best of luck in whatever she decides or does. I hope, I pray that I don't have to tell you those words "I told you so."..or at least think them.
So good luck and do what you feel is best. I'll hoping that things turn out the way you want them to.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
Freak i totally get what you're saying....
I have to say though i do not personally get involved in what kind of person Ami's husband is....the bottom line for me is that SHE wants him back...we obviously don't know the story in depth .If she thinks she can overcome his adultery than who are we to judge and tell her that she's better off without him.People reconcile over cheating every day .I personally don't think i can overcome something like that BUT that is ME.
The fact that he sees the NC as a form of her being a bit*ch is enough to make me believe that it is not the right way to approach him....at the moment.Don't forget that he has this condition and that makes things harder.
IDK but i do believe that she can try that if it makes her comfortable at the moment and than if it doesn't work a month or two from now she can always do the NC and i believe it'll be easier for her just because she will know that she showed him the NICE her and there is nothing more for her to do.
BTW freak...you'll be surprised but Believe me I don't take sh*t from people,i can be harsh when needed ...you'll be surprised.
I'm a sweet person BUT if you cut me off in traffic I show a finger.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Agreed.. I have certainly said things I don't mean, they come out on the heart of the moment and can't me taken back once out there..
Exactly, some one once said (very recently) to me, "only believe 5% of what is said, the other 95% is defense talk, and not to be believed, it may not be lies, but..."
I don't agree with this. First of all, you don't HAVE to cut off all communication. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. You can be civil and polite and pleasant. I chat amicably with my husband when I talk to him and see him.
That is ultimately what I am doing?!
What I don't do is bring myself down and "discuss" things with him that are going to depress or anger me. I don't get down in the pit with him anymore.
Again, exactly what I am trying to do, I am not talking to him about anything other than the kids and 'nice' things..If he gets the arseache, I will hang up and thats what I did on Friday night.. and HE texted me to apologise..
I'm done with that crap. I don't beg or plead or ask why he doesn't love me. I keep it friendly but distant. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. The 180 SAYS you shouldn't be nasty or cold or angry. It stresses to be the type of person your husband would want to be! My husband doesn't want me to be angry or confrontative and I'm NOT.. but he's thrown off balance by what I am now so he's having to deal with that. But that's not my problem.
Exactly, you've again described what I am trying to do! At the moment, my H is expecting me to be argumentative and a cow (which in fairness I was doing)
I've said my piece in my multitudes of posts. My situation is FAR different and I come from a different perspective. What I will do is wish AmImad the best of luck in whatever she decides or does. I hope, I pray that I don't have to tell you those words "I told you so."..or at least think them.
and I appreciate everything you say, I do, and yes our situations are completely different I understand that.. and we are different people.. I don't think anyone is listening or understanding that I am just being 'ok' with all the sh*t he's pulled, but he is already aware of that, I have brought it up n many occasions so he's fully aware of what he has done and how I feel. I am also not just letting him swan in and put his feet up.. HE is still not saying he wants to come home, that he doesn't want to make an effort with us blah blah blah, but he certainly wont want to if he feels awkward when he does visit.
So good luck and do what you feel is best. I'll hoping that things turn out the way you want them to.
So yesterday, we had a fab day, my daughter asked him to tuck them in at bed time, this wasn't going to be something I allowed, but my daughter asked and I could already see how upset she was getting about her Daddy leaving... anyways. we tucked the kids in together, we came downstairs and I went into the kitchen and busied myself while he got ready to leave, he thanked me for inviting him to spend the day with us, we chit chatted about my remote for the tv, he said next time he's here he'll program it for me.. then he seemed to go kinda cold, said he'll be in contact about access to the kids, he'll let me know when he's free, he'd like to do it in as far in advance as he can, I explained it may not work like that depending on my treatment..
He wished me luck for today, asked me to let him know how went, he walked to the front door, I said i'll see him out, but he was already out the door, so I just closed it and turned the hall light, I was really upset as obviously I am having an op and thought he would have cared a bit more. So I did send him a text "Ok thanks for caring, bye, have a fabulous week"
He called me on his way home, and he said he was really sorry, that's not how he meant to come accross at all, that he didn't know where the lines were, if he hugged me, he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable.. earlier in the day he was standing in the kitchen with his back to me, I put my arms around him and hugged him, I said "I don't care if you don't like this, but I need it" He held my hands round him and when I went to move away he held them a little tighter.. I said about this and asked if it made him feel awkward and he said No, which I see as a good thing.. he asked me to call him before I go down for the op, I asked what the point of that is, he said I don't have to if I don't want to, but he would really like it if I did.. I said I would let him go, he said "oh Ok, Try and sleep tonight, please call me in the morning" there was this awkward silence where the 'I love you' should be, I said it in my head, with tears rolling down my face, I said take care, he said the same and we hung up
We exchanged a text later saying "Thanks for a good day, enjoy your evening"
I don't know how this is going to play out, I really don't but I don't want to fight any more thats for sure.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
So I did send him a text "Ok thanks for caring, bye, have a fabulous week"
I understand why you think you need to do what you're doing. I disagree with it wholeheartedly, but I understand. That said, if you're going to speak to him you should pay a little more attention to your communication.
Forgetting the fact that you said you would only talk about the children, the way you addressed the issue probably didn't make him see you in a positive light. Instead of being passive aggressive you should address issues forthright.
Well hospital went well, 3cm cancerous lump removed, and it hasn't attacked the chest wall,(samples were still taken) still have to have RT for the time being, but on the whole the news is better than it could have been, just very sore and very tired. Thank you all for your support!
After surgery, he called and asked how I was it was pleasant, until he texted and told me he'll be sorting out all his things, he's moving at the end of the month. He's done and there's nothing I can do or say.. I am breaking my heart.
Nothing I can do now, I pleaded my case, looks like im going to be getting divorced, I'm done trying to convince myself, if he can do this now, he doesn't care enough, me and my kids will be happy, I'll make sure of it. You're right Freak, maybe he has done me a favour. My friends fb status said "When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you" - ? I felt like it was directed at me..
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Re: Seriously.. 
) .I was all dressed up...looked smoking hot 
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Take it easy and know that we are thinking of you. 
...you'll be surprised.
