Originally Posted by WhereAmI
I don't think you're realizing that what you're doing is chasing him. You invited him away for a weekend!!! You're reminding him that you want him around. He has absolutely no doubt that you'll be there for him after he has his fun.
Hopefully someone else can get through to you. I'm failing miserably.
I am going to our home town, visiting his family as well as my own, I tried to be jovial and not commital, I didn't push the issue, I also didn't want to stop him from seeing his children, I didn't say "We can walk along the beach, holding hands" Or anything like that, I offered him a chance to spend some time with his family in hope that he might have a good time with us, seeing as he seemed a bit confused...I didn't beg him to come, telling him how good it could be, I didn't say it will be like old times, I didn't try and convince him of anything, I miss my best friend... I really do...
I didn't really expect him to say yes to be honest, but I was a bit hurt and disappointed when he said he was going out with friends instead, he clearly wasn't bothered about not seeing his kids for 2 weeks.. Next weekend it's our daughters bday, we are going to have spend some time together... Did I have a moan off at him, 'Love Bust' saying oooh picking your mates over us blah blah blah... NO I didn't I left it. 2 months ago, I would have been complaining about it to him.. But I didn't.. Ok I had a moan on here about it, so I could vent, it's better to do it here than to him surely?
I am not trying to justify why I sent the message, I was trying to make a small effort. He's not got another woman, it's a choic between me and no-one, he seemed confused, maybe I read it wrong, but I thought if he spend time with us, it may help him either way.
Again I was wrong. Ok it backfired, do I regret sending it? Kinda, now I know that his friends are more important than his family, will I make the same mistake twice?? NO.
I AM trying to keep my family together, I am doing the things on the 180 list, I can't cut him out completely we do have children together. Do I want this? Errrm NO! I want to do all I can... I'm an emotional person, I can't help being upset over all of this, BUT I DONT let him know that I am.
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behaviour.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
I am following this! How can I be someone he would want to be around when being cold, distant and ignoring him... things it says NOT to do on the list? It's contradicting!