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Old 03-01-2011, 06:49 AM   #61 (permalink)
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I am such a ****ing idiot. Im taking the kids away this weekend, back to our home town, told him that this morning.

Just sent him a msg saying ""Hi, the kids were asking if you was coming on our magical mystery tour this weekend (MyŠ said it's always more fun with Daddy) and I was thinking, if you want to, we would really love it if you could join us, but be warned the three shells donuts and ice cream will be on you!"

The reply I got "Sorry already made arrangements going out friday night and Saturday now"

I just said "That's fine, didn't want you to miss out on spending time with your kids. Nevermind. Have a good day"

And now I feel **** again...
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:40 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seriously..

Yeah, I've done that too. You feel like crap afterwards. Don't dwell, just vow to be stronger next time. Take out the 180 list and reread it. I printed mine out and read it when I feel "weak". In time it gets better, easier.

I don't doubt that there will be love in my life but I gotta get MYSELF in order! You need time to heal and live for yourself before you can deal with someone else. I couldn't imagine involving another person in my life in an intimate way, nor do I want to. I have my kids, some nice friends and people to hang out with and fortunately, I can easily go off on my own and have a great time. Being alone isn't a problem for me. I did it for years while I was married so I can't see why I can't do it when I'm not!

Only when you are happy and content living with yourself can you give of yourself to another person. Otherwise, it's just a band-aid.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:13 AM   #63 (permalink)
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I am such a ****ing idiot. Im taking the kids away this weekend, back to our home town, told him that this morning.

Just sent him a msg saying ""Hi, the kids were asking if you was coming on our magical mystery tour this weekend (MyŠ said it's always more fun with Daddy) and I was thinking, if you want to, we would really love it if you could join us, but be warned the three shells donuts and ice cream will be on you!"

The reply I got "Sorry already made arrangements going out friday night and Saturday now"

I just said "That's fine, didn't want you to miss out on spending time with your kids. Nevermind. Have a good day"

And now I feel **** again...
I don't even know what to say anymore. You're obviously not ready for NC or the 180. I hope you're able to understand why it's important before it's too late.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:31 AM   #64 (permalink)
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I don't even know what to say anymore. You're obviously not ready for NC or the 180. I hope you're able to understand why it's important before it's too late.
My parents told me to invite him, then he wouldn't miss out on seeing his kids, they helped me word the msg. He's not going to see them for two weeks...

I am doing the 180, there was no talk of relationships, I was upbeat etc etc...
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:39 AM   #65 (permalink)
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My parents told me to invite him, then he wouldn't miss out on seeing his kids, they helped me word the msg. He's not going to see them for two weeks...

I am doing the 180, there was no talk of relationships, I was upbeat etc etc...
I think you need to stop going to your parents for advice, then. Your father was spot on when he was yelling at you over the phone. Now? Not so much. The only thing your husband needed to know was that the children were going to be out of town. And that's only if he had plans with them. Otherwise he's left you alone to raise the children and you should do so however you see fit.

You invited him to go on a trip with you and let him know that you'd love it if he'd come. He has, yet again, been reminded that you're there for him regardless of his decisions. He has absolutely no reason to come home; you're going to wait for him while he has his fun.

ETA: If you want him to see the children a simple text letting him no that. "The children want to see you. When will you be able to take them?" Do not use the words "I" "we" or "me" when you're talking to him about the children.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:42 AM   #66 (permalink)
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But also, although I do feel kinda crap at his reply, I've shaken it off, I've gone down another dress size, I am going to get a new outfit, and I am going out too! He doesn't know that though, he thinks I am just doing things with the children, that I'll be sat indoors, but he's mistaken, I am going to go out and dance, maybe even try this flirting lark, see if I am any good at it!

I don't want anyone else, but just to feel attractive would be nice...
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Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:45 AM   #67 (permalink)
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But also, although I do feel kinda crap at his reply, I've shaken it off, I've gone down another dress size, I am going to get a new outfit, and I am going out too! He doesn't know that though, he thinks I am just doing things with the children, that I'll be sat indoors, but he's mistaken, I am going to go out and dance, maybe even try this flirting lark, see if I am any good at it!

I don't want anyone else, but just to feel attractive would be nice...
That's great! Taking care of yourself is going to do wonders in helping you get through this ordeal.

Just be aware that your mistake was not only making yourself vulnerable, but allowing him to feel he's still in control of the relationship. All of the 180/NC work you've done was just washed away. He knows you still want him.
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:52 AM   #68 (permalink)
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That's great! Taking care of yourself is going to do wonders in helping you get through this ordeal.

Just be aware that your mistake was not only making yourself vulnerable, but allowing him to feel he's still in control of the relationship. All of the 180/NC work you've done was just washed away. He knows you still want him.
He knows I still want to work on our marriage. He knows that I still care about him etc. But I am NOT chasing, I was honest and said yes we would have loved it if he came, that's true. But I am not crying to him about it. I am carrying on. He will call the kids at bedtime, talk to them, they'll hang up and that'll be it.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:03 AM   #69 (permalink)
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He knows I still want to work on our marriage. He knows that I still care about him etc. But I am NOT chasing, I was honest and said yes we would have loved it if he came, that's true. But I am not crying to him about it. I am carrying on. He will call the kids at bedtime, talk to them, they'll hang up and that'll be it.
I don't think you're realizing that what you're doing is chasing him. You invited him away for a weekend!!! You're reminding him that you want him around. He has absolutely no doubt that you'll be there for him after he has his fun.

Hopefully someone else can get through to you. I'm failing miserably.
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:12 AM   #70 (permalink)
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AmI ...i agree a little...I do want to send text to H. about his daughters game on Sat if he will be able to make it...but i realize that it's somehow chasing...I will not contact him 1st i decided...
Go out and post pics on FB...may be he than will realize it was all about the kids anyways...
I know how you feel though,you really want him for the kids and the family time...but this is exactly what they don't want anymore.

What is NC BTW????
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:23 AM   #71 (permalink)
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AmI ...i agree a little...I do want to send text to H. about his daughters game on Sat if he will be able to make it...but i realize that it's somehow chasing...I will not contact him 1st i decided...
Go out and post pics on FB...may be he than will realize it was all about the kids anyways...
I know how you feel though,you really want him for the kids and the family time...but this is exactly what they don't want anymore.

What is NC BTW????
NC is no contact.

If your H doesn't know about your daughter's game and she would like him there you can still tell him. Just don't ask any questions or invite him. "DD wants you to know she has a game at BlahBlah park at 3:30."

Give all of the information so it can't be misconstrued as an attempt to strike up conversation. Don't ask questions, just inform. If he texts you back, ignore it. You've said all you need to say.
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:47 AM   #72 (permalink)
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I don't think you're realizing that what you're doing is chasing him. You invited him away for a weekend!!! You're reminding him that you want him around. He has absolutely no doubt that you'll be there for him after he has his fun.

Hopefully someone else can get through to you. I'm failing miserably.
I am going to our home town, visiting his family as well as my own, I tried to be jovial and not commital, I didn't push the issue, I also didn't want to stop him from seeing his children, I didn't say "We can walk along the beach, holding hands" Or anything like that, I offered him a chance to spend some time with his family in hope that he might have a good time with us, seeing as he seemed a bit confused...I didn't beg him to come, telling him how good it could be, I didn't say it will be like old times, I didn't try and convince him of anything, I miss my best friend... I really do...

I didn't really expect him to say yes to be honest, but I was a bit hurt and disappointed when he said he was going out with friends instead, he clearly wasn't bothered about not seeing his kids for 2 weeks.. Next weekend it's our daughters bday, we are going to have spend some time together... Did I have a moan off at him, 'Love Bust' saying oooh picking your mates over us blah blah blah... NO I didn't I left it. 2 months ago, I would have been complaining about it to him.. But I didn't.. Ok I had a moan on here about it, so I could vent, it's better to do it here than to him surely?

I am not trying to justify why I sent the message, I was trying to make a small effort. He's not got another woman, it's a choic between me and no-one, he seemed confused, maybe I read it wrong, but I thought if he spend time with us, it may help him either way.

Again I was wrong. Ok it backfired, do I regret sending it? Kinda, now I know that his friends are more important than his family, will I make the same mistake twice?? NO.

I AM trying to keep my family together, I am doing the things on the 180 list, I can't cut him out completely we do have children together. Do I want this? Errrm NO! I want to do all I can... I'm an emotional person, I can't help being upset over all of this, BUT I DONT let him know that I am.


Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behaviour.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"


I am following this! How can I be someone he would want to be around when being cold, distant and ignoring him... things it says NOT to do on the list? It's contradicting!
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Last edited by AmImad; 03-01-2011 at 10:15 AM.
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:48 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Maybe I should just forget the 180 completely and just revert back to no contact?
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Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:58 AM   #74 (permalink)
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I know what you mean..i'm also confused about, no contact = being cold

May be i shouldn't have sent the last Email telling him not to call because it seems a little cold but if i didn't than he would have called and if i don't pick up or refuse to talk to him after my daughter does...wouldn't that be worse ?!
So confused as well...

I really want to send him an Email telling him his daughter misses him,she does...she talks about him at night...phone calls are not enough..but probably not a good idea...
God i miss him terribly today,i worked out at the gym today and bursted into tears in the middle of the workout...thankfully there were not many people around me...so i quickly put myself together...but it's so hard with NC at all...
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:21 PM   #75 (permalink)
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I know what you mean..i'm also confused about, no contact = being cold

May be i shouldn't have sent the last Email telling him not to call because it seems a little cold but if i didn't than he would have called and if i don't pick up or refuse to talk to him after my daughter does...wouldn't that be worse ?!
So confused as well...

I really want to send him an Email telling him his daughter misses him,she does...she talks about him at night...phone calls are not enough..but probably not a good idea...
God i miss him terribly today,i worked out at the gym today and bursted into tears in the middle of the workout...thankfully there were not many people around me...so i quickly put myself together...but it's so hard with NC at all...
NC is a lot harder when you have children. They still need both parents. If you were to send him an email telling him your DD misses him it may seem like an attempt to strike up conversation.

Send him something along the lines of, "DD has asked if she could spend time with you. If you send me a list of times you have available, I'll let you know what works best for us."

If he sends you a list of times that work for him, you follow up with, "4:30 works best for us. We will meet you at (Park, McDonalds, etc.). I'll be there at 8:00 to bring her back home."

Your emails need to read like a business transaction.

I'm not sure how reliable your husband is. If you think he wouldn't show, it might be best to not let your daughter know what's going on. It's better that she has a happy surprise than a letdown, IMO. For your sake you may want to bring someone with you the first time this exchange happens. They can be your buffer if you feel that seeing him would make you emotional.
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