I'm just over 4 months separated from H. He left, his choice....I begged him to stay and try to make it work from inside the marriage / counseling etc. He refused, said he had made up his mind, wanted space etc. This on a background of an affair 18 months previous.....and then on my part suspicions (strong) that was having another (or maybe the same) affair......
I'm finding it very tough.....I took some time off work when he left - I was in melt down - and I'm now off again for the past 6 weeks - my doctors has started me on antidepressants and I'm having counseling now.
I'm still struggling with the pain and hurt. Day to day its exhausting. We were together since I was 17, now I'm 30 - married for 6 years. No kids. I am just devastated....he just doesn't seem to care.....we have had very little contact since 4 months when he left. I haven't seen him at all, only a few phone calls about practical things like bank account, car etc.
No 'meaningful' discussions about 'us' (which for him doesn't seem to exist as a concept anymore), no texts, no emails etc. i haven't asked him to reconsider / tried to change his mind since he left.
How is it that he can just 'get on' with his new life, go out, live as single etc, while in contrast, I'm off work, depressed, hurt, confused and really suffering. I feel so empty inside, it's like I don't know who I am anymore without him. To make things more pointed, most of my good friends and sister are all now all happily married and pregnant or with first babies already. That's what I wanted with my H.....I really wanted to start our family.......now it might be too late for me......I don't know how to get over this pain......
I have tried doing things for myself, work on myself, try to stop focusing on him and what he might or might not be doing.....but it seems so empty and purposeless.........I loved him very deeply and truly cared about 'us' and our marriage.
why aren't I feeling any better??????? and how is it possible that he is just able to move on so easily???????????
btw what I have done (although not on purpose -just cos it is too painful to speak to him) is the 180 thing that people talk about on here - I must say, I don't believe it 'works' because the other person has to want you back 'secretly' deep down......in my case, there is no evidence that not seeing or contacting me has made my H reconsider what he has done.
I am glad you are having counseling. This is such a hard place to be in. And so exhausting. I am also not sure about the 180 thing. I think it is great for some people. I only got somewhere with my husband when I asked him flat out here he saw things ending up & then we had a good talk. But he had other issues, like feeling I wasn't there emotionally for him, so the 180 would have been the worst thing I could have done.
Hi babyheart, yes, I think a straight honest conversation about where I stand will be needed at some point.....I'm just very fearful to confront that......it makes me so anxious just to think of it.....I would like to feel stronger first, but I don't know if that can happen. Right now, I'm just so broken and low
I think the 180 thing isn't a good strategy in general, it might help people move on though, because cutting contact is supposed to make healing faster....I don't really see how it would encourage someone to come back though....
The 180 Isnt just to get them back its also so you can move on. I didnt beg or cry from the beginning, I did it so I could move on and yes it helps. I have been going through it longer than you now so of course its easier for me now. I also have a small child and I think having him was my strength through it all. I couldnt neglect him by chasing stbx so I focused on my son and myself.
If there is a god this will be over soon for me, I am so over this now. time helps believe me. you need to pick yourself up and start living, my stbxh left for someone else, I could tell what days he was with her because his calls became less and less, now I guess it has been over for some time because he is a pain in the ass now, I told him the other day how miserable he looked and he needs to find someone who makes him happy, see someday you will be where I am and just wish them well. He is the lonely one now, just the day before yesterday, he showed up at my house(its still our marital home until end of march, he dont live here) he picks my son up on tuesdays, and he will then give me my check, well this was monday and he brought me my check, 7pm mind you, he hung around for over an hour, doing nothing, he sat down and looked like a lost puppy, I just watched my tv show and hoped he would leave.
he came the other day and went through my tv stand looking at what was in the stand, didnt take anything. he constantly calls for no reason, like yesterday he calls I did answer cause i thought he was calling about an apartment I am getting and he says hi, what are you doing, I said nothing, he said you know the movers are coming the 24th right, he knew I knew, then he says oh i thought i had to ask you something else, i cant think of it, so i said ok let me go. and the other day he leaves a message on the answering machine hey you guys home, im at walmart and was wondering if you wanted anything. he calls for the stupitest things. I think he is regreting his disission but i have already moved on, not because I dont love him, I do love him, its because the way he treated me. I dont want a man who can treat me like that, in the beginning while he had his gf he was a douche. he also has his whole family against me for nothing, I dont think he actually meant for them to hate me its just how his family is.
he got them way to involved. and he would put his family before me and his son and I dont want anyone like that, my son and I should al;ways come first, I asked him a question the only question I would like answered told him i didnt even care if he still loved me, my question was if you had regrets and thought you made a mistake in leaving us, would you have the balls to tell your family? he never did answer it, and that was my answer, his family is so intimidating to him and he puts them first. not interested in someone like that. so time heals, you will see. its early for you two but in a yr or mabey 2 you will be telling some other poster the same as I am telling you.
thank you bellringer.....your reply brought some tears to my eyes......I so hope that you are right.....I agree with what you say, limiting contact is the only way to free yourself to move forward....I am doing that, it is the only thing I have some control over.....but the pain is sometimes unbearable......
I feel exactly the same as what you said.....I love my husband deeply, but the hurt that he has caused is too great, I can't trust him....all the things that he has done/ is doing.....I would never do those things to him, never. It is so difficult to comprehend and so painful.
I am praying that I will begin to find my own worth again.
Remember when you were younger and had other boyfriends, we all had them and loved them, I still think of them sometimes when I go somewhere and it reminds me of us, but I got over them and wouldnt want them back, In time it will be the same as that for your ex husband. I lost both my parents very young and that was the hardest thing I even had to get through, and I got through it, I still think of them everyday. time is all we need. I beleive what goes around comes around and I have to admit, I am getting pleasure watching him suffer a little now, he is so miserable and lonely, to sit at my house the other nite all sad was great to witness, my sons school called today and told me he is out of his special reading class he is doing great, I asked the teacher how his behavior was because she knows we are in the middle of a divorce and I want to know if he is having any trouble, she said no he is great, he even goes in and tells her all the things we do together, and we do alot, so i told stbx about his doing great in school and him telling his teacher all the things we do, and he has the balls to say to me, he dont tell her what daddy and he does, what, go to dinner thats all he does with him. see he goes out with his mother the 2 days he has my son and she is very selfcentered that they have to go to the places she wants to go, my son is 6 and he is starting to understand why grammie is alone, he said the other day grammie is a pain she tells us where we are going and I dont want to go out with her anymore. my stbx never does anything with my son that my son wants to do and now he will start to see where he is f in up in his life to. just saying the children should be the focus and believe me I get more pleasure out of seeing my son happy than anything in the world.
men are so selfcentered they dont even know how to enjoy their children. last yr when he left my son and I were never home, and when my son would ask him to take him swimming at his dads house he always had an excuse, my son would get off the phone crying all the time. he dont understand how this has impacted him, my son tells me all the time how boring daddy is. see I think in the long run they always get what they deserve. they may have gf's and feel complete at the moment, but they have lost in the long run. As long as I have my sanity and my son I am the winner. god bless our children, my son is the best part of my stbx and I am satisfied with just having him.
I feel exactly like Marigold. Husband seems to be doing ok as if nothing ever happened. We are divorced now, he pushed for it, he now hangs out at the OW house(who also left her H) but they can't live together because she will lose her fat alimony(she is materilistic to heaven and back).
Bellringer I find your posts very inspiring. I also have a child 2year old and I struggle on daily basis with different issues. But overall he is doing fine for his age and I am grateful that at least ex H is still living in the US and I am in Canada. Marigold see my thread on Life after divorce. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have children involved in this mess.
Bellringer, I had fun reading your post. I saw myself in you. That's what had happen to my ex. He left me and my 2 kids for another woman hoping that this woman is going to leave her h and be with him. 6 months after he left us, OW doesnt talk about moving in together. It's unfortunate that the 3 of us all work together in the same company. the OW is so jealous of me as I am in the higher rank and she's a temp. I left my job and moved with other company after few months. during the recession both h and ow lost their jobs that's when the real drama started. OW cheated on him, never lived with him and all the sweet talk is done. Karma isn't it. Now I am happy with my life had a good man in my life, d is near done and my kids are happy and complete. If i didn't have my kids, i am not here today. in laws are the culprit, same thing they're priority in his life i thought at first it is sad, It is normal for someone who abandon his family to tell all the possible lies he could say to justify his actions. Funny, when h wanted to reconcile with me, I made him think that i'm "in it" all his family thought finally I have accepted him. Went to vegas and all sort of fun..then I dropped him un aware. I know it is not good but I just wanted him to feel what I've been through.
Marigold you will soon get over this period of your life. i promise you it will get better...I survived, you too can! God bless you and comfort you.
it is so painful to face the reality that someone you were 100% committed to did not feel the same way......it hurts so deep......I feel such a massive part of who I am has been taken away and I don't know where to start to come to terms with that. Sometimes I have hopes that he will come back, beg forgiveness and the nightmare will end......other times it hits me that it is not likely to happen ever and I just feel desperate......I know also that the hurt he has caused is so much that what ever we had would never be the same again......
I wanted a family so bad, with him. Now I have no husband and no family of my own.....the 2 things that were most important to me. I have to face my friends and family who are all happily married with children.....I don't feel like I belong. I just want to get away from it all My life has just crumbled away
I thought hanging out with my married sisters and their husbands would be weird but none of them make me feel bad, they dont hang all over each other so i feel fine. my stbx controlled everything for 20yrs of my life and i now found the strength to stand up to him and take control of my life. like I found an apartment to move to this month after the closing of our house, and stbx found one also(for me) and I told him I wasnt interested in the one he found, he emailed me all dayy trying to convince me to take the one he found, I stood my ground and told him no. see he comes and goes here still and I think he figures if he is the one who finds me a place and helps pay for it, then he will still have access to it. I sent him an email of the boundries I set for him when I move. I wrote, these are the boundries that you will follow when andrew and I move
1. there will be no pop in's
2. you will get 2 phone calls from andrew, if we are out he will call you when we get home.
3. you will drop him off and ring the bell, I wie down to get him and when ick him up I will bring him to you.
4.if we dont answer the phone for some reason it means we are busy and i will have andrew call you as soon as he is available
5. I will no longer take nonsense calls, if it doesnt pertain to andrew and I dont think it is important I wont be taking your calls.
I need to set these boundries because andrew and I will not be controlled anymore(yes he still runs to shut lights off if he knows you are coming over) we will no longer live that way. These are the things you forfieted when you left us. this is how divorce works, I know this is hard for you to swallow but this is life now, and these are my rules and I am in control. the more you follow these boundries the happier andrew and I will live.
well his email back was totally stupid, he wrote all about money, he has no idea, it didnt even make sense, nothing, hes such an idiot, all he said was you cant tell me what to do, see hes so arrogant he doesnt even listen to the judges or the lawyers, he thinks the laws dont pertain to them cause they have money. I responded with unless you would like to pick andrew up at mc donalds or the police station for visitation you will follow them. I know how he can be and can just see us at the pool at the apartment and him calling 50 times, when we dont answer he would be at the apartment pool flipping out infront of everyone. thats how controlling he is. I dont have a prob with him taking my son more but he was the one who said fridays works for himand he didnt want him any more than that, he thinks calling him 50 times a day makes him a good dad, I said dont pat yourself on the back calling 50 times doesnt make you a good father. and he knows I want him to have the best relationship with his son. I just dont want him hanging out with me.
I think he is nervous now that we are moving that he is losing the control. he dissapointed my son all summer and thinks he is a great dad. like I said he can pick him up anytime he wants he just cant come in, and hang out like he does here. he makes excuses why he dont want my son living where we are moving, like asks if the school is good, I gave him the name of it and told him if he has a prob with it then he should look into paying for a private school. never did hear back from him on that one. It gets so much easier and I am guessing it will be even better once he cant control things still. everyday the things he does only makes me stronger. lovin it
The 180 Isnt just to get them back its also so you can move on. I didnt beg or cry from the beginning, I did it so I could move on and yes it helps. I have been going through it longer than you now so of course its easier for me now. I also have a small child and I think having him was my strength through it all. I couldnt neglect him by chasing stbx so I focused on my son and myself.
The 180 isn't to get my husband back for me either. It's to help me deal with him and the situation we have. To be able to put things in perspective.
He's an alcoholic and he doesn't want to fix or change himself. Until that changes nothing CAN get better. He can call up and tell me he loves me (he actually says "I love you" all the time). He can ask to spend time with me (he does that too) but without his getting sober it's all for nothing. We are literally like a car stuck in the mud with the wheels turning and going nowhere.
But even so I was still holding on for a long time. Hoping, begging, pleading and blindly trying to keep it like it was before this nightmare started..and it was to no avail. The 180 is my guide for dealing with him now..for dealing with what IS, not what I want it to be.
I don't call my husband and put distance between us not to try and win him back but to keep my sanity, to reduce my stress and to make a better life for me and my kids because a happier, calmer mother is a better mother.
And it helps with my husband too because when I do see him I'm constantly keeping myself in line. No begging, no pleading, no following him around, no trying to convince. Be pleasant, cordial, only talk about the kids, etc, etc. I constantly tell myself these things over and over again and it DOES help me deal with him. When I'm less emotional and and come off as calm he responds in a positive way. We don't fight. It's win-win.
Maybe he will take notice and "want me back" and take the steps to change but I'm not holding my breath. Right now the 180 is all about me, not him.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
You might want to e-mail him that you would consider getting back together with MC. He may be hurting the same as you and also be unwilling to make the first move towards reconciliation.
Theres always hope. People do change. People do get messed up and do stupid things when hurt.
Anna, That is to funny that you went to vegas with him then dumped him. I would have loved to do that. I love vegas. how did he react after you did that?
i am going through separation and have wrote notes on my feelings as I have gone through life. You should attend a divorce care class at a local church this will put it into my perspective for yourself. You need to work on you, and not try to fix the other person because its not possible. I was married 25 years dated same man for 8 years, he told me he didnt love me anymore and i moved out, needless to say not an easy journey at all, many months of clouding in my mind, some days are easier so are not, but I do go to counseling also. Focus on yourself and what you want out of life and dont worry about the other person, they wont change.
Do some people just not care???? 
The 180 isn't to get my husband back for me either. It's to help me deal with him and the situation we have. To be able to put things in perspective. 
