Part of me says I'm messing up...

DjF · 03-02-2011, 07:46 PM

Past few weeks, the wife has spent a few nights over here...one or two a week...she is going to spend tonight here as well so she can take the boy to school early (I have to go in even earlier, and he has to be at school way before the bus would pick him up...)...things are going nicely it seems between us...

Anyways, we always end up sleeping together (although I doubt we will tonight since I'm fighting a nasty cold she gave me)...get romantic, and have a good evening/night together...I love it, it reinforces my love for her and I think she is getting closer to us again...she needs to spend time with the boy and this is how she is doing it...evenings with him, nights with me...

Anyways, this is the part that says I'm messing up...I'm letting her spend time/nights here with me and my son, but she won't committ to MC...she says she loves us, she misses us, but isn't ready to go to MC...am I letting her have her cake and eat it too?...do I need to say no more sleep overs until we start MC???

the boy could spend time at her apartment but won't because he gets bored over there...

am I messing up?

anx · 03-02-2011, 08:22 PM

This is a tough one.

I had the same thing happen. Sex was great when we were separated.

You need to get into MC somehow. It probably doesn't matter if you connect for the next month and then get into counseling. I might wait to push for it. Enjoy the sex and reconnecting.

Figure out MC soon, but don't stop the good thing you have now. Make sure she is clear that you want MC. If she won't go to MC, go by yourself.

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 08:26 PM

Well, it depends. Do you think you can patch things up without marriage counseling? What is it that you truly want/need to be happy? Is her NOT going to MC is going to bother you to the point where you don't think reconciliation is going to happen? Also, why doesn't she want to go?

I tried doing the same thing with my husband. I'd go over to his house and spend evenings with him, have sex with him. Go to dinner, go to see bands, etc, etc...try and pretend like all the horrible things that happened in the last 6 months had never happened. Try to rewind the clock to before the summer.

Result? Sometimes it worked out. Other times we'd have horrible fights. But the one constant was that he was ALWAYS drinking. It always came down to the drinking and as time went on it got worse and worse. He'd deny that this was the problem and instead blame everything on me but deep down I know it's the drinking that was the problem and as long as it still exists there will never be a change for the better. He will always be unpredictable and I will be walking on those proverbial eggshells while holding my breath. The yelling and verbal abuse has beaten me down to the point where I don't even want to have sex with my husband or spend any time with him.

So my decision is: No more intimacy. No more time spent together until he figures out that he's got to get sober. If I continue to spend time with him, to be with him and indeed "let him have his cake and eat it too"..then he'll never have ANY incentive or reason to change.

So I changed instead of trying to change him. I don't call him except to arrange to drop our son off for the weekend or get water for my work truck (my truck needs water for work and he gives it to me). Basically business matters. I'm cordial and polite and chat in a friendly manner but I keep it short and sweet. No more invites, no more time spent together, even though he's asked to spend time together recently because I know that as long as he has to sit and drink for hours at a time it'll never be right. At best, I'm wasting my time and investing in a fantasy, at worst we have a huge fight and I get hurt, stressed and angry.

The result is that he doesn't call me and rarely answers the phone when I call him. So we are down to just seeing each other for a few minutes a few times a week. He continues on and there is still no talk of going to rehab as far as I know. My husband will not do either individual counseling or marriage counseling because according to him, I am the problem, not him.

So..Any real change for the better could take a long, long time..or it may never happen but at least my stress level is down and I am rebuilding both my sanity and my life.

So that's my line in the sand. He has to get sober before we can move on and until that happens, nothing happens between us. Maybe because I'm not emotionally invested in whether we get back together again I'm not worrying about it. I just want peace and quiet.

So my question to you is: What's your line in the sand?

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 08:29 PM

Oh..why do you keep referring to your son as "the boy"?

vivea · 03-02-2011, 08:32 PM

Dan...it does seem like she is eating the cake hmmm...tough situation because of your boy....yeah you have to talk to her and get her to MC
I'm happy for you ,things are good boy...that's awesome

sex ahhhhh ....haven't had any in more than 2 months

(not that i felt i want it with so much stress) ..and probably won't have any for a while...

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 08:35 PM

Well, damn, I want sex! Pisses me off how much I want sex! And I look great too! We had GREAT sex at one time. Now the man can't even get it up.

Stupid husband.

Crankshaw · 03-02-2011, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

sex ahhhhh ....haven't had any in more than 2 months

(not that i felt i want it with so much stress) ..and probably won't have any for a while...

we going to have a competition who has gone with for the longest are we ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freak On a Leash

Well, damn, I want sex! Pisses me off how much I want sex! And I look great too!

:wave:

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crankshaw

:wave:

Is that a hint mate?

vivea · 03-02-2011, 08:57 PM

hahahah Ohhh goodness that makes me think that getting all together is probably not a very good idea lol

or perhaps it is

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 09:21 PM

I don't know..sounds good to me!

Now finding a place to get together would be a challenge considering how far apart geographically we are.

DjF · 03-02-2011, 09:57 PM

"the boy" has always been my internet nickname for him...we live out in the back woods...kinda red neck title for him...

Freak On a Leash · 03-02-2011, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DjF

"the boy" has always been my internet nickname for him...we live out in the back woods...kinda red neck title for him...

Ahh..got it!

Crankshaw · 03-02-2011, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freak On a Leash

Is that a hint mate?

I was trying to be subtle, was I

Crankshaw · 03-02-2011, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

hahahah Ohhh goodness that makes me think that getting all together is probably not a very good idea lol

or perhaps it is

Na, internet kidding is all good :-)

(but then again!!!)

Crankshaw · 03-02-2011, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freak On a Leash

I don't know..sounds good to me!

Now finding a place to get together would be a challenge considering how far apart geographically we are.

guess that means I get to travel the furthest :-)