If you don't know my story, we are just at a standstill. H is very depressed and down about us not getting along, my insecurity and trust issues, how he keeps making mistakes, the tension between us, etc. He's pessimistic by nature. He took 5 days to himself to think about things and really just decided that he loves me but has defeated himself so much that he feels like he has no fight left.
We started a discussion about maybe him going and staying with his parents to feel what it would be like without us. He didn't say much, but the next day he said it's the only thing that makes sense to him. We're both tense when he comes home from work, no fighting, but just uncomfortable to be in the same room because there's no interaction as we both overanalyze everything and can't be ourselves. So, he says that if we didn't come home to each other, it would be easier to deal with things and talk online or on the phone. He would also take me out on the weekend and we wouldn't talk about our marriage at that time, which would allow us to have some fun and possibly reconnect. This is the first thing he's been willing to try.
I, of course, am hesitant and torn. I go back and forth, and have always felt that as soon as he's out of the house it's hard to recover. But we want to lay some ground rules, so expectations are clear. There are 2 kids involved here, after all. He also works right by our house, and we're still sharing a life. He's set on this, and I can see the logic.
-So, what recommendations do you all have for this?
-Do we state the goal of this trial separation and a plan for reconnecting? Do we write all this down?
-Is it okay to state that we will speak each night, and he will tell the kids goodnight?
-Can he come over for dinner once a week, allowing me to go out afterwards for me time?
-Do we establish that every Saturday, we do something fun together? Or is that too much pressure?
-Is it a good idea to set aside one night per week to discuss the relationship?
-Do we set a reevaluation date where we look at how this is working and whether it's going in a positive direction? And at that point we decide whether to continue with the separation or move home? (no talk about moving home in between that date)
-Can he see the kids any time he wants? Or do I make it where he needs to set it ahead of time? What if my son just misses his dad and wants to hang out?
-I don't want the kids staying away from their home, so is it alright to let him stay at the house to visit them and I go to a friend's?
-He will be surprised if I state any kind of "no other person" rule, but I think it needs to be stated. Right?
-Is it okay to go do things as a family, set ahead of time, as long as the activities are out of the house?
-What if my son just wants to go and stay with him for a bit? He likes to watch wrestling with his dad, so is it weird for H to come over and watch TV with him and then leave when the kids are in bed?
-He already stated that he'd come up on his day off and clean the house and do chores while I'm at work. But this seems weird, doesn't it?
-Most of all, do I become less available? I want to do what's right, and I want him to see the seriousness of this. I want him to miss what we had. But I also don't want to totally disconnect and shut him out. This is so hard!
Sorry for the 20 questions. These are just concerns I have and I feel like most of this needs to be established ahead of time. Any advice would be appreciated. I hope you can share your stories or reflections of what you would have done differently, what worked, what didn't work, etc. I'm really hoping that this turns into a positive thing and we can work this out. We both want it to. He just doesn't know how. I will miss him so much. But I already miss him now.