Well, it's inevitable. He thinks the only way to work on us is to go stay with his parents for awhile. He says he spends every night waiting for an argument or discussion. Funny thing is, he starts most of them. But that's beside the point. So we are going to do a trial separation. I told him up front I wanted to sit down together and tell the kids. Then, I wanted to give a few days or a week for them to ask questions and get used to the idea. I also wanted that time to figure out ground rules.
I initiated discussion of the terms on Thursday evening via email. He replied by responding to most of them with his own input, agreeing on most. But we didn't talk about when. He made an off comment about how he wouldn't be here this weekend, so I reiterated how important it was for the kids to have time to process, and they are my primary concern. He says ok. But then, instead of leaving for good on Friday, he goes over to his parents after one of the kids is in bed and stays until 2:30am. Then he comes home and picks a fight with me and we go to bed angry. Saturday, he starts a discussion via text at dinner. Yes, a married couple texting a discussion back and forth for 2 hours at the same table.
We come home, put the kids to bed, and exchange a few words, nothing too ugly. But basically judgements and assumptions. He leaves mad and doesn't communicate with me before coming home this morning at 10:30.
He comes home this morning, doesn't say anything to me, but then by email (in the same room) tells me he wants to tell our son today. A few hours go by, it's going on 3:30, I don't want this separation so I'm not initiating talk, especially since he's so on edge waiting for that to happen, so I go about my business. I see he's tense, so I take our youngest and go to the mall. I get back at 6 with dinner, and he says nothing. We put our kids to bed, then he comes and says he thought we were going to tell them. But the problem is, his idea of process time is to leave every night after they are in bed, and then coming back in the morning before they wake, during this process time.
We just discussed for an hour, and he left. But at least I got a hug and ILY.
Guess we're telling the kids tomorrow. Our youngest is not yet 3, so she probably won't understand. But our oldest is a few months shy of 9. He will be devastated. H says he is suffering now, but I really don't think so. Tonight we discussed what we'd say (which is part of the reason I wasn't just going to say let's do this, we need to be on the same page). We were thinking we'd say Daddy is going to stay at Grandma & Grandpa's for a little while why we work on getting along better and making each other happy. Daddy will come over a couple times per week and you can call him and go spend the night whenever you want. Is this okay? Just reiterate that we both love him and we love each other, we just need some time apart to figure things out. And that this doesn't mean we are getting divorced. And how many days do you think before he packs and leaves? Do we play it by ear based on how our son responds?
Any advice from those that have been there and done that would be great. Thanks!