What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation? UPDATE - dragging feet?

Well, it's inevitable. He thinks the only way to work on us is to go stay with his parents for awhile. He says he spends every night waiting for an argument or discussion. Funny thing is, he starts most of them. But that's beside the point. So we are going to do a trial separation. I told him up front I wanted to sit down together and tell the kids. Then, I wanted to give a few days or a week for them to ask questions and get used to the idea. I also wanted that time to figure out ground rules.

I initiated discussion of the terms on Thursday evening via email. He replied by responding to most of them with his own input, agreeing on most. But we didn't talk about when. He made an off comment about how he wouldn't be here this weekend, so I reiterated how important it was for the kids to have time to process, and they are my primary concern. He says ok. But then, instead of leaving for good on Friday, he goes over to his parents after one of the kids is in bed and stays until 2:30am. Then he comes home and picks a fight with me and we go to bed angry. Saturday, he starts a discussion via text at dinner. Yes, a married couple texting a discussion back and forth for 2 hours at the same table. We come home, put the kids to bed, and exchange a few words, nothing too ugly. But basically judgements and assumptions. He leaves mad and doesn't communicate with me before coming home this morning at 10:30.

He comes home this morning, doesn't say anything to me, but then by email (in the same room) tells me he wants to tell our son today. A few hours go by, it's going on 3:30, I don't want this separation so I'm not initiating talk, especially since he's so on edge waiting for that to happen, so I go about my business. I see he's tense, so I take our youngest and go to the mall. I get back at 6 with dinner, and he says nothing. We put our kids to bed, then he comes and says he thought we were going to tell them. But the problem is, his idea of process time is to leave every night after they are in bed, and then coming back in the morning before they wake, during this process time. We just discussed for an hour, and he left. But at least I got a hug and ILY.

Guess we're telling the kids tomorrow. Our youngest is not yet 3, so she probably won't understand. But our oldest is a few months shy of 9. He will be devastated. H says he is suffering now, but I really don't think so. Tonight we discussed what we'd say (which is part of the reason I wasn't just going to say let's do this, we need to be on the same page). We were thinking we'd say Daddy is going to stay at Grandma & Grandpa's for a little while why we work on getting along better and making each other happy. Daddy will come over a couple times per week and you can call him and go spend the night whenever you want. Is this okay? Just reiterate that we both love him and we love each other, we just need some time apart to figure things out. And that this doesn't mean we are getting divorced. And how many days do you think before he packs and leaves? Do we play it by ear based on how our son responds?

Any advice from those that have been there and done that would be great. Thanks!
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

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Well, it's inevitable. He thinks the only way to work on us is to go stay with his parents for awhile. He says he spends every night waiting for an argument or discussion. Funny thing is, he starts most of them. But that's beside the point. So we are going to do a trial separation. I told him up front I wanted to sit down together and tell the kids. Then, I wanted to give a few days or a week for them to ask questions and get used to the idea. I also wanted that time to figure out ground rules.

I initiated discussion of the terms on Thursday evening via email. He replied by responding to most of them with his own input, agreeing on most. But we didn't talk about when. He made an off comment about how he wouldn't be here this weekend, so I reiterated how important it was for the kids to have time to process, and they are my primary concern. He says ok. But then, instead of leaving for good on Friday, he goes over to his parents after one of the kids is in bed and stays until 2:30am. Then he comes home and picks a fight with me and we go to bed angry. Saturday, he starts a discussion via text at dinner. Yes, a married couple texting a discussion back and forth for 2 hours at the same table. We come home, put the kids to bed, and exchange a few words, nothing too ugly. But basically judgements and assumptions. He leaves mad and doesn't communicate with me before coming home this morning at 10:30.

He comes home this morning, doesn't say anything to me, but then by email (in the same room) tells me he wants to tell our son today. A few hours go by, it's going on 3:30, I don't want this separation so I'm not initiating talk, especially since he's so on edge waiting for that to happen, so I go about my business. I see he's tense, so I take our youngest and go to the mall. I get back at 6 with dinner, and he says nothing. We put our kids to bed, then he comes and says he thought we were going to tell them. But the problem is, his idea of process time is to leave every night after they are in bed, and then coming back in the morning before they wake, during this process time. We just discussed for an hour, and he left. But at least I got a hug and ILY.

Guess we're telling the kids tomorrow. Our youngest is not yet 3, so she probably won't understand. But our oldest is a few months shy of 9. He will be devastated. H says he is suffering now, but I really don't think so. Tonight we discussed what we'd say (which is part of the reason I wasn't just going to say let's do this, we need to be on the same page). We were thinking we'd say Daddy is going to stay at Grandma & Grandpa's for a little while why we work on getting along better and making each other happy. Daddy will come over a couple times per week and you can call him and go spend the night whenever you want. Is this okay? Just reiterate that we both love him and we love each other, we just need some time apart to figure things out. And that this doesn't mean we are getting divorced. And how many days do you think before he packs and leaves? Do we play it by ear based on how our son responds?

Any advice from those that have been there and done that would be great. Thanks!
I had to do this with my husband a couple of months ago and it was the most awful thing I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both crying I think what you have said is good, tell them that you both still love them and will always be there for them. Our cousellor said to make sure you dont give them any false hope and you dont need to go into details etc.
My kids are 9, 10 and 13 and they were all really upset when we told them, they had no idea that anything was wrong so it was a big shock to them.
Also I would tell the kids that if they want to talk about it ever that they can come talk to u.
Good luck!
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

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I had to do this with my husband a couple of months ago and it was the most awful thing I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both crying I think what you have said is good, tell them that you both still love them and will always be there for them. Our cousellor said to make sure you dont give them any false hope and you dont need to go into details etc.
My kids are 9, 10 and 13 and they were all really upset when we told them, they had no idea that anything was wrong so it was a big shock to them.
Also I would tell the kids that if they want to talk about it ever that they can come talk to u.
Good luck!
Good points. I dread this. I made a comment about how I wasn't looking forward to shattering their world, and he of course took that as a jab. I said it will hurt their sense of security, always having both parents there. He doesn't think so. He knows that we are sometimes sad, but we do things together and we don't fight in front of him lately. Yes, I'm sure he knows we aren't happy like we were, but I don't think he's suffering. It does break my heart though when they all leave and I stay home and he asks if I'm going to be okay by myself. Or when my H left for 5 days and on the way home I ask my son if he is excited to see Daddy, and he says, "Kinda. I missed him, but I don't like seeing you sad or you guys arguing." So, yes, he's aware, but I don't think he realizes the seriousness.

H is telling me the purpose of this trial separation is for us to figure out a way to come back together and reconnect. I guess I'll have false hope then if they do. I just want him to be reassured that things will be okay and able to ask questions as we go along. Part of our agreement is that he'll be here once a week for dinner as a family, then another night to stay with them while I go out, and then on Sunday's they'll either go with them or we'll do something as a family. I guess we'll relay that. The kids and I are going out of town on Friday for over a week, so as this is fresh it might be hard for them. I just don't want to damage my kids. I remember going through this as a kid and never got a happy ending.
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

I just went through this 2 weeks ago, and your plan sounds pretty similar to what we did. Our kids are 10 and 12. We (I?) told them on Saturday morning, and there was lots of tears. It was by far the hardest part of this whole separation thing.

By Saturday afternoon, they were doing their normal Saturday things. My son (the 10 year old) had some questions about where I was living, and he asked a few times how long I'd be gone for. He still does, occasionally.

I moved a bunch of stuff out on Saturday evening, after every one was in bed. We thought that would be easier than my packing stuff out while the kids (and my wife) was around to watch. Then Sunday evening was the last load, along with myself.

I don't know what we could have done better/different... There's no good way to handle it. They woke up on Saturday morning, their lives and family were all intact, even if things were tense and stressed. By the time they went to bed on Sunday, they were "one of those families"... Split parenting and all that. All you can do is reassure them that both parents still love them, and make sure the communication is still open and strong between everyone, I guess.

I think a big part in how the kids adjust and handle things is based on how the parents handle things. If they can focus on what's best for the kids, and keeping things as "normal" as possible, the kids will be disrupted as little as possible.

C
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

I dont think there is any good way to tell them. OUrs (aged 9, 7 & 4) didnt really get it until daddy was actually gone. He promised to be there as much as they needed him & told them they could call him at any time. Now he doesnt answer his phone or return their messages, and only comes over when it suits him. we had a big argument about that this weekend.
I think it is easy for the one who walks out to just stick their head in the sand & shirk their responsibilities.
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

PBear, is yours a trial separation or are you divorcing? I guess my husband thinks it won't be a big deal since he's leaving most of his stuff there. He's just taking clothes and stuff. I feel the same way about how at one moment his family is intact and the next it isn't.

We're going to do it tonight. I asked my H to come home a little earlier so we didn't have the conversation right before bed. But it's weird, since he's kind of already not staying here, he's just hiding it. Idk. I wish I knew how long this would be for, I feel like I probably have more questions that my son will! But I know my H will still be around, he wouldn't have it any other way. He doesn't want to be around me because he feels tense, but he'll come and take them or stay here while I leave and go out.

Wish me luck!
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

I've posted this several times in the past. It's my opinion, and the model we used. By virtually anyone's account, my kids are thriving, happy, and very much loved by their parents.

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What I have to say is based on having lived through this discussion as a teenager, and then having it as an adult with my own young children, ages 6 and 3 at the time.

My parents divorce was a train-wreck. When they pulled us together for 'the talk', they used the standard opener with me and my two younger siblings;
"You kids didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault. This is between mom and dad."

Don't use this line. By highlighting what your kids didn't do, and what isn't their fault, they will start thinking about what they did do, and what is their fault, despite the warning.

Both of my parents became very emotional. It created tremendous uncertainty, instability and an overwhelming sense of tragedy. It cascaded into an avalanche of pain and confusion. I will never in my life forget my brother pleading with my parents, sobbing and saying "I'll behave. I'll be good." My parents cried more as a result - so the kids cried more. Seeing my brother and sister in that much pain, broke me too.

Don't. If you cannot have the talk without becoming emotional in responding to the kids or your spouse... then don't have the talk. Here is my perspective, you get to form your own. I had a 'no tears policy' when it came to telling the children.

Children are mirrors. Their feelings will often reflect what they see and sense. As adults, yes, we know that the death of a marriage is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic. You do not, and should not, need to reflect that fact when telling your children. There is no upside to making sure that they understand and feel in no uncertain terms that the bottom just fell out of their world.

They are not nearly as interested in feelings as they are in behavior. To younger children, behavior reflects feelings. Mom and dad represent safety, security, and stability. If mom and dad get swept up in guilt, sadness, remorse, or other powerful emotions - you are going to sweep up your kids in the riptide, and in my view, you are being irresponsible. You need to reflect strength and stability.

It's ok if they do not understand. It's ok if they are sad. Validate those feelings. But if they see you emulating calm, strength and control, they will still believe that mom and dad will hold together the fabric of their world. And as parents, you had damn well better.

The kids neither need, nor want details. They don't need to know why. They don't need to know about whose fault it is, who has an addiction, or who is screwing someone else. This is specifically geared towards younger kids. Teens and young adults are a different story. If they ask the hard questions, you need to answer them honestly without coloring the response with your own bias. You can have that talk later.
Be short and to the point. Don't ramble.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies decide that they work best when they each have their own house. So do you know what? You guys are now going to have two houses. So now you will have two bedrooms! One at mommies house, and one at daddy's house. And sometimes you will have sleepovers at mommies house and other times you will have sleepovers at daddy's house. Mom will put on the calendar when we get to have sleepovers at daddy's. And we will get to do fun things, and best of all, we will still have our family."

The above is pretty much verbatim what I said. I said it with wide eyes and a smile, almost making it sound exciting. The reality of the circumstances were going to be the same whether I delivered the message sobbing or with a smile. Want to take a wild guess how they reacted?

My son asked, "but you will still sleep here too?"
My response, "Nope, daddy will sleep and wake up at his own house. But it will be just like when you wake up in the morning and daddy has gone to work."

I did most of the talking. And much to her credit, my spouse held back tears, and when she spoke it was to repeat, and reassure the kids of something I had just said.
I strove to put things in a context that they were already familiar with. I continued to come to the house two nights a week to help with bedtime and read stories. As time passed, we weened away from that practice.

My spouse and I treat parenting like a business, or a job. Regardless of whether or not you get along with everyone in your workplace, you still have to work together to do the job right. I recognize that not all dissolutions are going to be free of acrimony or pain, but I firmly believe that how loved or secure your children feel has little to do with where each parent resides. It is much more about how each parent makes them feel, and responds to their feelings.

You can absolutely convince your children that your divorce, and their lives are about to become a nightmare - or just as easily convince them that they don't need to be frightened and you will take care of them. Just as you always have.
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks deejo. I think this is brilliant and an awesome perspective. Just not so sure how I can pull myself together enough to do it. H worked till after 7 and in true 180 fashion I didn't call or say anything about the issue. So now it's bedtime so another day has gone by. I hate this. I'm kinda thinking he is dragging his feet because deep down he knows it changes things. I will update later. There's no way I'm telling my son right before bed.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

So weird. I am starting to think he is dragging HIS feet. I know I am. He didn't bring it up at all. Even after the kids went to bed. I was pleasant, cool, collected, nonchalant. Didn't talk about the relationship or issues, just watched TV and made small talk about it. Discussed my day, my plans for next week with the kids when I'm out of town, etc. He left 30 minutes after the kids went to bed, and gave me a hug and a peck on my head. Then called me 10 minutes later to say goodnight and make small talk about bills. It's like he wants to hear my voice. Told me twice how nice I looked in the dress I wore today. Also told me twice that he really wanted to call me today but he got too busy. I'm not sure what to think of this. I created a neutral environment, and for that I'm proud. I need to keep this up. Consistent actions!
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

LNL, ours... We haven't talked about reconciling. But we didn't give a timeframe or promises to the kids about when/if I'd be back. My son has asked a couple times when I'll be back. Maybe I'm a coward, but I tell myself this is to let them adjust to the idea of me not being there before taking the next step.

Personally, it seems your hubby kind of has what he wants, without "being the bad guy".

C
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

When my husband left my kids and I heaved a collective sign of relief and went out to dinner to celebrate.

It's gotta be tough when the kids are small..I feel for you. But I'll tell you that as a person who grew up with two parents fighting ALL The time day after day, year after year it's MUCH better to separate and have peace and quiet then constant havoc and anger surrounding you. Staying together isn't always the best thing.
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Old 03-08-2011, 06:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

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LNL, ours... We haven't talked about reconciling. But we didn't give a timeframe or promises to the kids about when/if I'd be back. My son has asked a couple times when I'll be back. Maybe I'm a coward, but I tell myself this is to let them adjust to the idea of me not being there before taking the next step.

Personally, it seems your hubby kind of has what he wants, without "being the bad guy".

C
That's the weird thing. He's all like "I'll take the blame, I'll be the bad guy to anyone who asks." He says the goal is to reconcile. I don't think he likes being away from us. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this was a big step that changed everything. And I'm not going to sit around waiting for him. I wonder if this dragging of his feet is about not telling the kids or if it's about not wanting to leave for good because he won't see us. It's so strange to me.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

What people say and what people actually mean can be two different things... Or maybe he's ok enough with the situation that he just wants to avoid the conflict. And if you want to change things (one way or the other), you may have to draw a line in the sand. Tell him to either move back into the house, or move out. No more of this limbo stuff. If that's what you want/need, of course. I'm not advising you one way or the other!

C
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

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What people say and what people actually mean can be two different things... Or maybe he's ok enough with the situation that he just wants to avoid the conflict. And if you want to change things (one way or the other), you may have to draw a line in the sand. Tell him to either move back into the house, or move out. No more of this limbo stuff. If that's what you want/need, of course. I'm not advising you one way or the other!

C
You're right. And to be honest, he is really messed up in the head right now. All of this has taken a toll on him and he's seriously depressed by it all. He doesn't know what he wants or what's right from one second to the next. He lacks faith and is scared of failure. He hates talking about our marriage or problems, because I seek clarification on things he says and he feels like I'm pointing out how wishy washy he is, and he hates that he's that way. He does just want to avoid conflict. That is his whole thing. And he doesn't trust that I want to do the same at this point and take things one day at a time. We've always been so good together, never fought, let things go, but now it's at a point where we have to communicate and so things are coming out that have never been said. It's hard.

I think I'll just play it by ear. I know I do need to draw a line in the sand. If tonight goes the same way as last night, I might end up saying something. But the kids and I are going out of town on Friday evening, and we'll be gone until the following Sunday, so maybe he can just think it out during that time. Then we can decide when I get back. I just don't know. It hurts to watch him leave every night and then see him every morning. I hate it.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:45 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?

Hi LNL,

I've been following your thread for a while. I feel for you. This is a tough spot for sure, and I don't know that there's a one best way to handle it. I do think you would benefit from individual counseling to get guidance through this process. I don't have alot of advice, but just wanted to offer my support. Hang in there and be strong for your children. I hope life gets easier for your family soon.
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