Should I accept, and move on? The Whole Break Down in texts, all of it.

LonelyNLost · 03-10-2011, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NRG

Hell yeah that is long, that is one month worth of texts, in a good month when we were together, it would have been twice as long. I could bust out Decembers texts when we were getting closer.

Yesm I am the one that wants it work, but I made some serious mistakes. I am sure she does feel smothered, I am afraid she let the cat out the bag about how I was to parents and such. I will start giving her space, but it is so damn hard. I am sure she is a little apprehensive, not to mention pissed off at me. The most concerning to me the text where she said she could not talk, and I just went right over that line. I am willing to change, in fact I have to regardless.

I will leave her alone. Don;t think you are being mean. I think you are just offering some advice. I know. I am learning to be alone, it sucks though. Though something I will try to do. Probably does think it is a trick.

Yeah, I am not in Pinellas, but close to. Tip of the hat to you neighbor. Oh, I definitely don;t need her persay, I want her. We have been together for 10 years, and we just click, when we are together.

Thanks. I know, I can convey my feeling via email much more sharply, than say Phone or voice, sms is just too damn restrictive.

I'm in East Pasco. I'll send thoughts your way. I'm the one that wants it to work in my relationship, and I'm trying not to be pathetic. We have communication issues, mostly because he's such a conflict avoider and I'm learning not to be. I've apparently been doing things for years that have torn him down. Add in his EA 4 years ago, and we've got one guilty person with some toxic shame. Hard to get him out of this depression caused by the current sad state of our marriage. Been married 10 years, together 14. We are just good together, but all the years of no fighting and everything being perfect has caught up with us. I just want him to say that he'll try. Right now I just hear that he wants us to be okay but he doesn't know how and he's in a messed up place. Ugh. Frustrating. I'm reading several books about how to turn it around by yourself. I'll pass along any info I learn.

For now, read the 180. It's for YOU. And the effects trickle down. I'm struggling with implementing this, but I'm trying.
The 180 Good luck!

anx · 03-10-2011, 10:14 PM

Quote:

so what is important?" Silence ...

I think she didn't know. She didn't know WHY she felt so ****ty about the marriage or now to fix it. This happened in my MC a few times. Its hard to know what you are feeling and why when you are bogged down in hurt. A lot of the time you are hurt so something small and stupid just adds to it, but isn't a tangible issue. It just adds to the **** pile.

TBH, both of you have pretty ****ty communication. You have good parts to it and really bad parts. It took me a while to figure out the little things to fix.

NRG · 03-10-2011, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anx

I think she didn't know. She didn't know WHY she felt so ****ty about the marriage or now to fix it. This happened in my MC a few times. Its hard to know what you are feeling and why when you are bogged down in hurt. A lot of the time you are hurt so something small and stupid just adds to it, but isn't a tangible issue. It just adds to the **** pile.

I am betting she knew. Read the rest of my post on her communication style. Though, you could be right, the hurt is effing it up.

NRG · 03-10-2011, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anx

TBH, both of you have pretty ****ty communication. You have good parts to it and really bad parts.

TBH? Mind elaborating on our communication styles, for my own purposes?

Powerbane · 03-10-2011, 10:28 PM

Prayers coming your way NRG from Hillsborough!!

So what do you really want out of all of this?

And does she explicitly know what you want?
Posted via Mobile Device

NRG · 03-10-2011, 10:34 PM

No, I don't think she knows, though, I would hope she knows. I did say on the 16th exactly what I wanted.
Posted via Mobile Device

anx · 03-10-2011, 10:37 PM

tbh = to be honest.

Part of this may be that you really don't like txting, but I think there is another part to this as well.

In this last set of texts, you both sounded a lot better than your previous posts. You both talked about your emotions and were pretty open.

You sent her and e-mail and then

Quote:

Me: Forget the email, that is not giving you your space.
Her: Ok
Me: Just forget it, as it is not giving you your space.
Me: Forget the email
Me: Though I will wair to talk to you, when you are ready.
Her: Huh? The email is fine NRG
Me: I just felt I was being a little too pushy with it, and not honoring your request for space.
Her: Ok whatever u choose
Me: I am not too sure the meaning of that. I mean everything in the email.
Me: There is a lot more, but that will have to wait for when we can talk.
Me: I guess when I was saying forget it, I meant to just forget that I sent it, and I would wait till we talk.
Me: Because I felt it was putting pressure on you, and not giving you the space you asked for. I am trying to be as clear as I can.
Me: I have so much more to say as well. But will wait till you are ready.
Her: Ok, thank u, I just can't take anything right now barely functioning for work

It sounds like at this point you are desperate. You probaby are. You push her pretty hard in situations like this. I did this too, and it really doesn't turn out well. My wife would just shut down and run.

I txt a ton and I was REALLY confused when you discussed who was manipulated.

Quote:

[Later in the night, I send her this]Me: Are you done with manipulation?
Her: I don't understand NRG, what u mean, am I done w/ manipulation. Can't believe u , feel that way of me. Of any of this.

This was a REALLY bad start to a conversation. It instantly sets her off. It sounds like you were anxious about your situation and started a fight off the bat. Basically everything that happened after that point that day was terrible. Everything before that was fine. What did you want from sending that? I don't really see her doing anything but getting mad from that statement. It was so out of the blue and seemed like you wanted a rise/fight/her to txt you back.

I don't remember what it was about your wifes conversation. In your last post that you edited, she seemed SUPER agitated. She was flipping out and you continued to txt back and forth instead of leaving it be until you were both in a better spot to actually talk instead of just rage at eachother. This set of txts you sent are better, but the last set were messed up. You just kept fighting over several days.

NRG · 03-10-2011, 10:45 PM

To power I guess I could be more drect and say, call off the divorce, move back in together, and make this work!
Posted via Mobile Device

NRG · 03-11-2011, 08:51 AM

Here is a recent email I just received.

Quote:

I do not believe that we need to talk. This has all been too much for me and I must ask you again to stop contacting me, it is not helpful for either of us. I did not drop off any items at your doorstep, that was my mom. We do not need to discuss the tax return as Tonya can sort that out for us. As far as you accessing my new email from court records rrather than directly asking me, yes that certainly felt violating. i don't know what items of mine that you have nor why you would have them. i don't want the chairs at this point.

Original email:
Thanks for having the items dropped off at my
> doorstep. I have a few items of yours as well. Plus, we will need to
> discuss the tax return that should be coming back in a week or so. I
> am sitting here, just woke up. Sorry if you were worried about me "RE:
> Glad you are OK" text, I stayed up @ Uncle Bob and Helen's since
> Friday. It was good to be up there, nice to be around them. I am not
> too sure how much you want to talk at this moment, but please let me
> know. There is quite a few things I want to say, but will leave it up to you for when you want to discuss.

Should I just leave this?

anx · 03-11-2011, 09:01 AM

Again, you might have a small chance in several months after you both fix yourselfs. You can e-mail her back saying you won't contact her for x time, but I wouldn't say anything else.

NRG · 03-11-2011, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anx

Again, you might have a small chance in several months after you both fix yourselfs. You can e-mail her back saying you won't contact her for x time, but I wouldn't say anything else.

I was thinking, I should just leave it, as she said she did not want any contact. She just makes it so difficult as she expects me to ask her questions directly, but she does not ask any of her own. She is not expressing any needs or wants through this process, but she gets upset at me for this. I am just frustrated. Prime example, she was upset that I did not show for the court date, yet she is the one who got the notice, and could have easily told me. Yet, she expected me to just know that the court was then.

I am doing a little reflecting here, and I am thinking of what really transpired. It appears she was indeed running a game on me. She wanted me to fight for her. But it was so difficult with where I was. If you refer to the texts over the weekend of the 4th-6th, you can she testing me in a sense. She was hurt by the things I had done the days previous, and breaking off the relationship as I did not show any remorse for those things, but I was in a fog of hurt myself. When I did not fight for her, she took it as me being not interested, I would think.

That email that I just got back, hurts. I am typing out an email that I will not send, but will post here. I am so effing hurt, I just feel like crying.

NRG · 03-11-2011, 09:30 AM

Another point, you can see where she assumes that I thought she dropped the items off on my doorstep, when I said "thank you for having the items dropped off".

NRG · 03-11-2011, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anx

I don't remember what it was about your wifes conversation. In your last post that you edited, she seemed SUPER agitated. She was flipping out and you continued to txt back and forth instead of leaving it be until you were both in a better spot to actually talk instead of just rage at eachother. This set of txts you sent are better, but the last set were messed up. You just kept fighting over several days.

I am having a tough time digesting what you are saying here, as I don;t see any examples, and I am not too sure where to look.

LonelyNLost · 03-11-2011, 09:38 AM

Just curious. What exactly happened with your marriage? How long were you married, when did it get bad, why? If you feel comfortable, it might help us feel out what it is that she can't get past. Like you say she wanted you to fight for her but you weren't in a place to do that. What happened? You also said things got good in December, then what caused that to change? When and why did you decide to separate on the way to divorce? Again, you don't have to answer, just trying to gauge what's going on here.

NRG · 03-11-2011, 10:39 AM

I am so tempted to send something like this.

Quote:

I know you said to not contact you anymore. But I cannot, and will not let this slip from us. I want to make things work between us, I will give it my all. Anything I need to do, I will. I feel this is my last shot to do something about it, and I am scared to death of losing you! I want to make our marriage work my love. I love you too much, and I will not let this moment slip without a fight! We only have till the 14th to do something.

Lost, I working on the story for you right now.