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Old 03-12-2011, 09:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I met my wife online over 10 years ago, we travelled a lot in the first 5 years for my job (we actually married over 7 years ago) and things were ok. We had some issues with fighting nastily in the year after we got married, sought counselling, and things did improve. We did not have sex as much as I would have liked, but I attributed this to abuse that had happened to her in her childhood, and she was never able to speak about it or get counselling that I am aware of. She was unhappy much of the time but we attributed that to living in isolation form family and finally to her birth control. When we tried having children and she was off birth control, she was much happier.
After undergoing fertility treatment we had our first child.
I have Asperger's Syndrome and have some soicial/emotional/organizational challenges that I admit I have never worked well on managing. This I now see combined with an underlying depression that had plagued me since my teens, became worse. In fact at one point I spent almost two months just sitting on the couch for every spare minute I had. I work on-call from home and when on days off or not working I would watch TV all day or be on my laptop, getting up only to eat, bathroom, shower, put on clean PJs and sleep. She was obviously angry with this and pushed me to change, even consulting with a divorce lawyer. I tried really hard but was only able to keep up positive changes for a brief time. This cycle recurred several times.
About a year and a half ago she asked me to move out for a bit and I went to live with my sister. This did not give her any clarity in the situation and after an annual family vacation an me trying to be easier to live with, she asked me to move back in.
Durign this time she got pregnant with our second child. I had made friends with a group of people, including a woman during this time and we would frequently go for coffee after they worked, often late at night. A couple of times my wife raised concern about this and said it was not normal for a married man to be going out late with a group of people his wife had never met. I asked her once to come with me, but she was heavily pregnant at the time and did not go. Well the friendship with the woman became innapropriate and I had sex with her twice. After the first time I felt numb, but after the second time I felt awful. I went home, showered and crawled into my Son's bed with him (so as not to disturb my wife) and cried myself to sleep.
I foolishly continued the friendship (and it was only that after)with the woman (who even had an on-again off-again boyfriend) as I was so afraid she would get angry and tell my wife. I consistently lied to my wife about the friendship and would even take my Son with me to play with her kids in the park (in the presence of a Social Services Worker as she didn't have custody of them, another thing that enraged my wife.)
Well somhow over 6 months ago, my wife figured out I had been spending time with this woman, I initially denied it (more lies) and then explained it was just a friendship.
That was in September, and at that point my wife could not even bring herself to hug or kiss me. We went away together in early October and ended up Making love, which in retrospect she says she regretted. My mid December she was still very angry and decided to take the kids and go live with her Mom for a bit to try to figure things out for herself. We went to counselling once together, but she said she was still too angry to continue. Christmas was horrible. By mid-January she had not come back and I was going over there to visit the kids whenever I could. You could cut the tension with a knife whenever I was there. As it was hard on the kids also, I suggested then that we try another arrangement. Our house has a separate basement apartment and I suggested I could live there, with her and the kids upstairs. We tried this for two months, but she said I was in her space too much and the basement was not really adequate for me to take care of the kids when I could (I work two jobs so do not have a lot of time, but I take the kids every single day off I have). So recently I suggested I could move to my sisters and could come to the house when I have the kids, then when I'm there, she could stay with her Mom. Our eldest son has Asperger's also and we thought this would give him the most consistency, which he needs. So I moved out a couple of days ago and have yet to see how this goes.
Last weekend, a day after I suggested moving out (I also asked her to come to counselling with me, which she agreed to), we were talking about our relationship and she said how she needed me to be honest about everything if there was any hope of us moving on. I then just blurted out everything. I told her I had sex with the other woman. I think she always suspected, but now she knows. We talked afterwards about how we will manage things with the kids and she suggested we try that one night a week to have a family dinner all together and that if I call I can come see the kids whenver I want and she would never restrict me from them. I feel horrible and I haven't stopped crying in days.
I was not coping well and after having several suicidal thoughts I talked with my counsellor and my doctor who feel that I have had depression issues for years (remember all the time I spent sitting on the counch and not able to get motivated) and this just exacerbated them. So I have started on anti-depressants and am hoping that and couselling helps. This makes her even angrier as she says she was the one cheated on, but I'm the one having the mental health issues (Depression runs heavily in my family), so she has to be the strong parent for the kids.
We went to counselling the other night, there was lots of anger and crying, and she says that right now she sees no future for us together. I am destroyed. I know what I did is horrible but I am even more in love with her than I ever was. Seeing her sitting there crying in counselling was devastating. I cheated on her and my whole family I know.
I found she is on some dating sites and asked her about it, she said she did it because she was angry and wasn't on them recently, but I know she still is. She is angry, maybe wants to get back at me (level the playing field) and maybe hurt me (which is nothing approaching what I did to her), or get some positive attention which she deserves.
In this time I have thought about things a lot. In previous counselling we talked about how I wasn't meeting her needs, but I don't recall getting much into me talking about my needs. I have obviously been depressed and have suffered from horribly low self esteem for years. I just wanted to feel she loved me, to initiate a hug, or a kiss, just something and with me not meeting her needs (in terms of being hard to live with, messy, unmotiviated, not helping or connecting with the kids) she couldn't meet mine. A horrible downward spiral.
She needs time to deal with her anger and I pray she will go to counselling again sometime (but I'm not rushing her). I know she needs space and time away from me but that is so hard.
I have lost my whole family and I pray one day she can forgive me and maybe we could try to build a new love together.
She is a strong, beautiful woman and a better parent than I could ever pray to be. I took her for granted in so many ways and now I truly realize what I have lost.
Before I moved out I gave her back my wedding band with a note saying that I hoped one days he would want to give it back to me.
I just lay in bed each night and cry thinking about them. I miss them so much. I know I am depressed and I hope that medication helps me. I need to work on being a better me and being there for my kids as my eldest has says mutliple times that he misses me and is obviously very sad.
I know what we had is gone and that makes me cry even to say it. I hope she can get passed her anger, but can she ever forgive me? Can she ever trust me again? Will she ever want to?
When we talked after I confessed all to her, I said I was afraid of her finding someone else. She said that I would always have ana dvantage over anyone else as I was the father of her children. But she is so angry with me..................
She says she doesn't love me anymore. But I love her so much.

Sorry if this is rambling, just thought I'd share.
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Old 03-12-2011, 12:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I couldn't read this and not comment. It's heartbreaking. I can see that you recognized what you've done wrong and you want to change. Yes, you made mistakes, but this really shows that you want to change. She is hurting right now. She's confused, and doesn't trust that you've changed. Have you thought about showing her what you just wrote? Have you told her ALL of this? Several things need to be addressed on both of your sides, but only time and space is going to help right now. Work on changing you and let her know you are here for her and open to listen and talk whenever she'd like. But make yourself a better person so that she sees that and remembers the guy she fell in love with. Show remorse and communicate your thoughts and feelings, but try not to (this is important) look pathetic and beg her to give you another chance. Good luck.
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Old 03-12-2011, 12:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
she says that right now she sees no future for us together.
I was also told this. My wife and I did MC and separated and are together now. My story is in my profile.

Quote:
She needs time to deal with her anger and I pray she will go to counselling again sometime (but I'm not rushing her).
This is all you can fix. Fix yourself, tell your wife your intentions (fixing yourself and reconnecting when you are better), and waiting.

Quote:
I hope she can get passed her anger, but can she ever forgive me? Can she ever trust me again? Will she ever want to?
It is possible. It depends one your wife.

Best of luck. I really don't have any specific suggestions besides devote yourself to betting yourself and keep some amount of hope.
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Old 03-12-2011, 12:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for your responses. This truly is heartbreaking. She knows all the facts about what happened, but we haven't talked much about the why. I told her I wasn't able to talk to her anymore, and I could talk to the other woman, but never got further than that. I think that now she is just dealing with being overwhelmingly angry and may not be receptive yet to listening to talking about the causes and so I'm not yet going to show her this post. I've told her I need to get myself sorted out and need to deal with getting my life in order and managing my depression.
She has felt for years that she needed to mother me and that I am unable to function alone. I need to show myself that I can, maybe then I can be the responsible man I need to be.
I just pray she can be happy and get to a place where we both may be open to trying to kindle a new love for each other. I just fear she will get past being angry, give up on me completely and find another love. :'(
I miss her so much and want to be over there with her, but I know that is the last thing I should do. This will take a long time and patience is a virtue I unfortunately lack. Another aspect of self improvement I must work on.
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Old 03-12-2011, 01:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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What some people have done is schedule a low key dinner or something 1-2 months out. I would have suggested coffee, but thats not good in your situation.

Just a time to talk about whats happened to both of you in that time and where you are at.

Quote:
She said that I would always have ana dvantage over anyone else as I was the father of her children.
The dinner a few months out might help her feel as though you are still interested, but totally messed up.
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Old 03-12-2011, 04:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Before I got married, I was in a 6yr relationship with someone who was like you. Out of the 6 years we spent 3 going to counseling together.
And as heartbreaking as your story is, you really need to work on yourself before you can even attempt to try and fix your marriage. The difference between my ex and you is that you show signs of wanting to be fixed. Of wanting to get yourself together. But, I have to say, if and when you start being with your wife again (could be years from now) you could easily fall back into the depression. So, take time to heal yourself, is what I'm saying. Don't rush to get better and repair the marriage. Your efforts will be noticeable and make a huge difference.
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Old 03-12-2011, 04:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Well antidepressants seem to be helping. Most of the time I don't feel as out of control as I did and the thoughts of hurting myself have faded. I am still so overwhelmingly sad and feel like I have lost any direction in life. I have got to spend a decent amount of time with my kids, which has been great and she even asked me to help her with some stuff at the house and we got along well during that. I'm going to wait a bit but will ask her to go to counselling again in a few weeks. She said she'd go again when went bfore and I hope she still feels that way, just don't want to push her.
After I told her I'd move out I gave her back my wedding band, in it's box, with a note saying I know she didn't feel it now, but I hoped that one day she would want to give it back to me again. I had two bands, a nice gold one that I gave her back and a Tungsten one I wore everyday. I took off the Tungsten one at the same time and now wear it on a cord round my neck to keep it close. From my kids for Christmas I got a steel dog-tag like pendant that says "DAD". I wear it with that, close to my heart.
I love her so much and being apart from her and the kids is horrible. I know I need to work on improving myself and dealing with my depression, I am just afriad she'll move on with her life without me. She has her own issues to deal with and I hope she can get the help and support she needs.
I have to accept that as of now it is over, but it is hard after 10 years with her.
Maybe one day when I'm a better person, we might recconnect. That is what I pray for every night, when I wish her and the kids goodnight and, sweet dreams.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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antidepressants can take 6 - 8 weeks to really start kicking in, been on them for a couple of months now, has helped me, and the forum support here has been a huge help as well.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Scared, I am sorry you find yourself here. Your situation is a little like mine in the fact that I also cheated, but in my story, my husband did too. I told him everything and he has told me what I think is a tiny truth. I think his affair is still active and we are divorcing and he denies that it aws more than what he said but I for some reason don't believe him.

Did you cut off all contact wtih the OW? That is essential. You're going to have to tell her you are willing to do any/everything to restore your marriage back to where it was, anything she needs from you and be totally transparent with her. In the end, the ball will be in her court. Try to be positive and don't smother her right now.
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