I met my wife online over 10 years ago, we travelled a lot in the first 5 years for my job (we actually married over 7 years ago) and things were ok. We had some issues with fighting nastily in the year after we got married, sought counselling, and things did improve. We did not have sex as much as I would have liked, but I attributed this to abuse that had happened to her in her childhood, and she was never able to speak about it or get counselling that I am aware of. She was unhappy much of the time but we attributed that to living in isolation form family and finally to her birth control. When we tried having children and she was off birth control, she was much happier.
After undergoing fertility treatment we had our first child.
I have Asperger's Syndrome and have some soicial/emotional/organizational challenges that I admit I have never worked well on managing. This I now see combined with an underlying depression that had plagued me since my teens, became worse. In fact at one point I spent almost two months just sitting on the couch for every spare minute I had. I work on-call from home and when on days off or not working I would watch TV all day or be on my laptop, getting up only to eat, bathroom, shower, put on clean PJs and sleep. She was obviously angry with this and pushed me to change, even consulting with a divorce lawyer. I tried really hard but was only able to keep up positive changes for a brief time. This cycle recurred several times.
About a year and a half ago she asked me to move out for a bit and I went to live with my sister. This did not give her any clarity in the situation and after an annual family vacation an me trying to be easier to live with, she asked me to move back in.
Durign this time she got pregnant with our second child. I had made friends with a group of people, including a woman during this time and we would frequently go for coffee after they worked, often late at night. A couple of times my wife raised concern about this and said it was not normal for a married man to be going out late with a group of people his wife had never met. I asked her once to come with me, but she was heavily pregnant at the time and did not go. Well the friendship with the woman became innapropriate and I had sex with her twice. After the first time I felt numb, but after the second time I felt awful. I went home, showered and crawled into my Son's bed with him (so as not to disturb my wife) and cried myself to sleep.
I foolishly continued the friendship (and it was only that after)with the woman (who even had an on-again off-again boyfriend) as I was so afraid she would get angry and tell my wife. I consistently lied to my wife about the friendship and would even take my Son with me to play with her kids in the park (in the presence of a Social Services Worker as she didn't have custody of them, another thing that enraged my wife.)
Well somhow over 6 months ago, my wife figured out I had been spending time with this woman, I initially denied it (more lies) and then explained it was just a friendship.
That was in September, and at that point my wife could not even bring herself to hug or kiss me. We went away together in early October and ended up Making love, which in retrospect she says she regretted. My mid December she was still very angry and decided to take the kids and go live with her Mom for a bit to try to figure things out for herself. We went to counselling once together, but she said she was still too angry to continue. Christmas was horrible. By mid-January she had not come back and I was going over there to visit the kids whenever I could. You could cut the tension with a knife whenever I was there. As it was hard on the kids also, I suggested then that we try another arrangement. Our house has a separate basement apartment and I suggested I could live there, with her and the kids upstairs. We tried this for two months, but she said I was in her space too much and the basement was not really adequate for me to take care of the kids when I could (I work two jobs so do not have a lot of time, but I take the kids every single day off I have). So recently I suggested I could move to my sisters and could come to the house when I have the kids, then when I'm there, she could stay with her Mom. Our eldest son has Asperger's also and we thought this would give him the most consistency, which he needs. So I moved out a couple of days ago and have yet to see how this goes.
Last weekend, a day after I suggested moving out (I also asked her to come to counselling with me, which she agreed to), we were talking about our relationship and she said how she needed me to be honest about everything if there was any hope of us moving on. I then just blurted out everything. I told her I had sex with the other woman. I think she always suspected, but now she knows. We talked afterwards about how we will manage things with the kids and she suggested we try that one night a week to have a family dinner all together and that if I call I can come see the kids whenver I want and she would never restrict me from them. I feel horrible and I haven't stopped crying in days.
I was not coping well and after having several suicidal thoughts I talked with my counsellor and my doctor who feel that I have had depression issues for years (remember all the time I spent sitting on the counch and not able to get motivated) and this just exacerbated them. So I have started on anti-depressants and am hoping that and couselling helps. This makes her even angrier as she says she was the one cheated on, but I'm the one having the mental health issues (Depression runs heavily in my family), so she has to be the strong parent for the kids.
We went to counselling the other night, there was lots of anger and crying, and she says that right now she sees no future for us together. I am destroyed. I know what I did is horrible but I am even more in love with her than I ever was. Seeing her sitting there crying in counselling was devastating. I cheated on her and my whole family I know.
I found she is on some dating sites and asked her about it, she said she did it because she was angry and wasn't on them recently, but I know she still is. She is angry, maybe wants to get back at me (level the playing field) and maybe hurt me (which is nothing approaching what I did to her), or get some positive attention which she deserves.
In this time I have thought about things a lot. In previous counselling we talked about how I wasn't meeting her needs, but I don't recall getting much into me talking about my needs. I have obviously been depressed and have suffered from horribly low self esteem for years. I just wanted to feel she loved me, to initiate a hug, or a kiss, just something and with me not meeting her needs (in terms of being hard to live with, messy, unmotiviated, not helping or connecting with the kids) she couldn't meet mine. A horrible downward spiral.
She needs time to deal with her anger and I pray she will go to counselling again sometime (but I'm not rushing her). I know she needs space and time away from me but that is so hard.
I have lost my whole family and I pray one day she can forgive me and maybe we could try to build a new love together.
She is a strong, beautiful woman and a better parent than I could ever pray to be. I took her for granted in so many ways and now I truly realize what I have lost.
Before I moved out I gave her back my wedding band with a note saying that I hoped one days he would want to give it back to me.
I just lay in bed each night and cry thinking about them. I miss them so much. I know I am depressed and I hope that medication helps me. I need to work on being a better me and being there for my kids as my eldest has says mutliple times that he misses me and is obviously very sad.
I know what we had is gone and that makes me cry even to say it. I hope she can get passed her anger, but can she ever forgive me? Can she ever trust me again? Will she ever want to?
When we talked after I confessed all to her, I said I was afraid of her finding someone else. She said that I would always have ana dvantage over anyone else as I was the father of her children. But she is so angry with me..................
She says she doesn't love me anymore. But I love her so much.
Sorry if this is rambling, just thought I'd share.