btw, you CAN still do a Plan A, if you have it in you. Going to no contact at this points leaves a bad taste in his mouth, as the last thing he remembers of you is you going nutso.
If you'll read the material at MB - especially the book Surviving An Affair - you'll see that you need to create an image of you in his mind of the GOOD, loving, but strong wife who CAN make you the better choice, BEFORE you go dark (no contact, Plan B). It's suggested that you do this Plan A for at least 3 or 4 weeks so all his latest memories of you are of the woman he fell in love with - no LBs, no demands (except stop the affair), look and smell good, cooking the meals he loves, meeting his top ENs.
THEN, after you've set those memories in his head, THEN you write him a Plan B letter where you state that you love him, but that what you need in a marriage includes him being faithful to you, and you can't share him. When he's ready to commit to you, let you know; until then, you can't see him any more.
Instead, you went from telling him what he's doing wrong, expecting things from him, to harassing his old friend, to going dark.
Where in there is the loving wife he used to care about? In a letter? That may not be enough to remind him why he should come home.
Okay, boys and girls. Hold onto your pants. I got this message from his best friend this morning. Now tell me what you think is best.
I'm sorry I may have worded that wrong because I know you aren't looking for anyone to take sides and I definitely don't want to shut you out. I know that if *** had any suspicion that I was talking to you that it would push him away from me and then you would lose one of the last connections you have to him. I think *** has emotionally attached himself to ****** whether it is cheating or not. He knows that what he is feeling is wrong and it is making him be driven by guilt. I wish I could go deal with ****** myself and if it gets to much further I just might have to. She was a drain on him in high school and obviously she is a drain on him now. I know I have said this before but he has some crazy nostalgia malfunction in his head. When we talk he usually tells me about what everyone from high school is doing and who is where and it is just weird. To be honest with you I could give 2 ****s less about most of the people from high school. Facebook, as useful as it is for communicating with close family and friends from a distance, is the devil when it comes to drumming up the past and *** thrives on the past. I have friends on my Facebook page that I wasn't even friends with in high school just because they saw me on ***'s page. Most of them I can't remember to save my life nor care to. It used to be your first love was a part of your history that you looked back at and laughed or whatever, and now they come back to haunt you.
I think a lot of what *** has going on is confusion. I know he loves you and the kids to death and deep down wants everything to work out. I just think there is a constant birdie in his ear making him think about bull **** he can't have back here. My biggest suggestion when all of this works itself out is to not let him do the alone Vegas trips anymore. And I don't mean "let" in the sense that you control his every move but work on doing a couples trip out here. I think if he came out here with you and didn't try to contact all of his old d-bags from high school and the idiot chicks it would be a lot more enjoyable for him to be able to show you where he grew up. He has a few girls out here from high school who are down to earth and married living their lives that are ok. I for one can't understand the ****** thing. I think if one of us can help him rid himself of ****** your life would go back to normal. He isn't cheating on you in the adulterer sense of the word but I believe he has attached himself to her emotionally. The bad part is that the more you push him about her the further you are going to push him away. He has never liked anyone telling him what he can and can't do and will do the opposite if pressured. He has this odd personality flaw that he thinks that even if he knows he is doing the wrong thing he will continue to do it if told not to. His Mom knows that and that is probably why she is being or appears to be being an enabler.
You are in a really difficult situation and I don't envy you one bit at this moment. I know where you're at because I'm in the same place for different reasons. I am dealing with another person in my wife's life and it is hard because it is her own Mother and Sister who are wrecking her. I have hit the point where I am done and not dealing with it anymore. If she really wants the family to work and really wants to get better she is going to have to do it because I'm done pushing. I think you will get to that point and he will be on his own. Sometimes that is what it takes. I can and will continue to try to help him as much as possible since I am in a different position then you are and have a little more room for pushing in a different way. Do your best not do things like call ****** or pressure him about her because that is hurting your cause even though it is really tempting. He is like a retarded rattle snake and if you corner him he will strike even though it hurts him more then it will hurt anyone else. So give him some space, let me try to talk to him. He was supposed to be calling me this weekend, he promised, and didn't so I will get back on the horn and try to do what I can. I can call Mom also and see what her take is on it because she will talk to me, I'm sure. She has to know something about what is going on with him and I really doubt she is ok with all of this. I'll send her a message later today and if she doesn't reply I'll call her in a day or so. If that doesn't work I'll call in the big guns, my Mom and my sister and *** isn't stupid and won't cross those two because he is afraid of them. But try to enjoy your life with the kids and make him realize that you and the kids lives will continue on whether he is there or not. The kids don't need this drama and he knows that. The biggest weapon you have is to not let him control you. Right now he is in control of the situation and you are falling into every trap he sets. When he leaves at night or whenever don't try to call him and don"t try to figure out who he is talking to. If you want to know if he is talking to me just call me ***-***-****. But rather then calling her just text me and ask even though I don't suggest it. Let him make his own decisions and pray he makes the right one because if pushed he won't. The best thing you can do for you and the kids right now is to plow through this with conviction and let him do what he is going to do. I know he isn't going to pick up and move here without you and the kids and she isn't going anywhere. She is a Vegas sleaze who needs her gambling drinking and club life. I'll let you know what happens and hopefully neighbor can get through to him. He talks about neighbor all the time and I'm sure between the 2 of us we can get through to him and make him make some sort of decisions in his life. He can't just continue to drag you and the kids through the mud and I don't believe that he realizes he is doing that. So if you need anything else let me know, I'm here for you guys. I wasn't the best man at your just because he asked it is because it meant something. Another good person to talk to at this point would be *****. She could probably help you also and is a good ear to vent to and I know she isn't too happy with *******, as she calls him, at this moment either. So hang tough, you"ll get through this and things will work out for you one way or another it is just hard for you to see that right now.
WHAT NOW? DO I EVEN WANT THIS SCUMBAG? THIS IS THE SECOND EMOTIONAL AFFAIR IN 4 YEARS!
Whew. I am digesting all that still, plus the history.
I guess it all depends on how you feel, and how much you are willing to take. Given the past experiences I would be wanting to see a significant effort placed on self improvement, but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem right?
I do not envy your position, but at least you got a fresh perspective on what it going on.
I am a freaking wreck. I'm in no contact phase, but I don't know how to proceed. I am going to speak with a lawyer. I can't let on how I know about things because I don't want him to cut off this friend. But I am really weighing my options.
Tell him or not tell him? Call her or not call her? Ignore him? Do I ever want him back? Could I get past this?
If you want to confront him you could say "Husband, I know you are having an inappropriate relationship with X. Either you stop all communication with her and end it OR I will take the appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce. I will NOT live in an open marriage."
The ball will be placed in his court.
If he can't end it with her, then you decide whether you accept being in an open marriage is ok or you move on.
Believe me, I know you want to lash out at her, she's a homewrecking jerk, but right now, I'd go more with confronting him than her (if you confront him at all).
He does NOT have you or your kids' best interest right now.
btw, you CAN still do a Plan A, if you have it in you. Going to no contact at this points leaves a bad taste in his mouth, as the last thing he remembers of you is you going nutso. Except he knows I'm not nuts. He knows I'm mighty intelligent and know him better than he knows himself. Going no contact at this point, without letting him know I KNOW, is the best. I need to find a lawyer and make some decisions. He's lost me.
If you'll read the material at MB - especially the book Surviving An Affair - you'll see that you need to create an image of you in his mind of the GOOD, loving, but strong wife who CAN make you the better choice, BEFORE you go dark (no contact, Plan B). It's suggested that you do this Plan A for at least 3 or 4 weeks so all his latest memories of you are of the woman he fell in love with - no LBs, no demands (except stop the affair), look and smell good, cooking the meals he loves, meeting his top ENs. Can't do this. He's already moved out. Not sure I want him back. I am the better choice, and being without him looks mighty appealing in my eyes. Look at what I've gone through? For what?
THEN, after you've set those memories in his head, THEN you write him a Plan B letter where you state that you love him, but that what you need in a marriage includes him being faithful to you, and you can't share him. When he's ready to commit to you, let you know; until then, you can't see him any more. Already wrote all that in a letter. I just didn't demand he end his friendship with her. Did you read the letter? Thoughts? Especially now that I know he's having ANOTHER EA?
Instead, you went from telling him what he's doing wrong, expecting things from him, to harassing his old friend, to going dark. What old friend? The OW? He knows nothing about me talking to his best friend, and I haven't harassed anyone.
Where in there is the loving wife he used to care about? In a letter? That may not be enough to remind him why he should come home. I've been here all along, which is why he's so conflicted. I'm not doing half of what you suspect. I really am a strong, patient person. His 5 days away? Chances are, he was with her.
If you want to confront him you could say "Husband, I know you are having an inappropriate relationship with X. Either you stop all communication with her and end it OR I will take the appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce. I will NOT live in an open marriage."
The ball will be placed in his court.
If he can't end it with her, then you decide whether you accept being in an open marriage is ok or you move on.
Believe me, I know you want to lash out at her, she's a homewrecking jerk, but right now, I'd go more with confronting him than her (if you confront him at all).
He does NOT have you or your kids' best interest right now.
Do you think no contact is a bad idea right now? I'm really confused as to why he got so angry after reading my letter. It doesn't make sense. It must have made him feel REALLY bad. So he cut me out. I want to see what he does when he doesn't have me around. I do need to tell him that I know, and he'll ask how, then what do I say? His friend says I should let it play out and he'll try to get to him. My friend whose husband was a cheater says I need to let him self destruct. I feel like smashing his phone into a million pieces and shoving it up his @ss. I feel like, for now, I need to not confront him. I'll wait for him to hang himself. I texted his mom that I figured everything out and I would like to talk to her in person. She has stopped responding after I told her I'd like to discuss in person and not on the phone. I really don't know if I want him. I am a good wife. And come to think of it, I've loved him loyally, but he's not been able to meet my emotional needs for a long time. So maybe I need to find someone who can.
Give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.
Hopefully his friend will be able to get thru to him before he does self destruct.
If the letter involved you stating what you will and won't accept and you standing up for yourself, not rolling over and being a doormat and he got pissed, then no I'm not surprised. So far he's been allowed to do what he wants when he wants and has you as a safe back up while he carries on an EA while knowing the pain it's causing you, your kids, your marriage.
give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.
.
Do you think no contact is a bad idea right now? I'm really confused as to why he got so angry after reading my letter. It doesn't make sense. It must have made him feel REALLY bad. So he cut me out. I want to see what he does when he doesn't have me around. I do need to tell him that I know, and he'll ask how, then what do I say? His friend says I should let it play out and he'll try to get to him. My friend whose husband was a cheater says I need to let him self destruct. I feel like smashing his phone into a million pieces and shoving it up his @ss. I feel like, for now, I need to not confront him. I'll wait for him to hang himself. I texted his mom that I figured everything out and I would like to talk to her in person. She has stopped responding after I told her I'd like to discuss in person and not on the phone. I really don't know if I want him. I am a good wife. And come to think of it, I've loved him loyally, but he's not been able to meet my emotional needs for a long time. So maybe I need to find someone who can.
What a dog. How dare he have you walking on eggshells trying to not push him or upset him when all along he was doing what he claimed you made him feel so bad about. He's either a confused mess or a sneaky snake. Can I ask what age group you guys are in that high school seems like such glory days to him? Posted via Mobile Device
Give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.
Hopefully his friend will be able to get thru to him before he does self destruct.
I don't know if I want him? I will not chase him. It's taking all my strength to not tell him he disgusts me. When I first found out he lied to me about talking to her for 2 hours back in November, I texted him, "You disgust me." And this all started from there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
What did your letter to him say?
If the letter involved you stating what you will and won't accept and you standing up for yourself, not rolling over and being a doormat and he got pissed, then no I'm not surprised. So far he's been allowed to do what he wants when he wants and has you as a safe back up while he carries on an EA while knowing the pain it's causing you, your kids, your marriage.
What a dog. How dare he have you walking on eggshells trying to not push him or upset him when all along he was doing what he claimed you made him feel so bad about. He's either a confused mess or a sneaky snake. Can I ask what age group you guys are in that high school seems like such glory days to him? Posted via Mobile Device
You are exactly right. Look how I've been in turmoil, thinking that he isn't doing anything and I'm being suspicious. Look at how much benefit of the doubt I gave him, all the while he was having his cake and eating it too. You've seen me defend him. It makes me sick. No wonder he was defensive. He is a confused mess. And he is 33 years old. We've been married for 10 years, together for 13. I'm really not sure I want him back. I don't know how to get over the fact that this happened twice.
That letter, IMO was way too wordy and way too "kissing his butt" for lack of a better phrase.
You should communicate to him you WILL NOT be in a marriage where there's a third party and STOP LETTING HIM call all the shots. What about you? What you want? What you need? Stop giving this man all your power, Lonely.
You said in 100 diff ways how you feel you're not meeting his needs, and placated him each step of the way but let me ask you something -- is he meeting your needs? Truthfully?
Lonely you deserve more.
And do not reveal to him how you know about the ongoing EA. All he needs to know is that YOU know.
He knows you contacted HER. THAT makes you look nuts, to him AND to her.
The OLD him knows you're not nuts, but now you are interfering with his heroin source - the 'feel good' he gets when talking to OW. So now, you are NOT attractive to him and the OLD him no longer matters.
You have kids, right? So you CAN do a Plan A when it involves kid exchanges, school events, or any other opportunity for him to see you. And he NEEDS to see you looking and smelling great, moving on with your life, NOT harping on him to come home, NOT telling him what he's doing wrong. He needs to see you say 'You want OW in your life? Fine. But you don't get her AND me. You choose. For now, I've got my own life to live.'
11Likes
Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..." 
Now tell me what you think is best.
