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Old 03-28-2011, 12:51 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

Whew. I am digesting all that still, plus the history.

I guess it all depends on how you feel, and how much you are willing to take. Given the past experiences I would be wanting to see a significant effort placed on self improvement, but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem right?

I do not envy your position, but at least you got a fresh perspective on what it going on.
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:53 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

I am sorry to hear this is what you learned.

I wouldn't push him at all. I would remove myself as an option completely.

And Lonely, I didn't know that was his second EA.
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:43 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

I am a freaking wreck. I'm in no contact phase, but I don't know how to proceed. I am going to speak with a lawyer. I can't let on how I know about things because I don't want him to cut off this friend. But I am really weighing my options.

Tell him or not tell him? Call her or not call her? Ignore him? Do I ever want him back? Could I get past this?
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:03 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

If you want to confront him you could say "Husband, I know you are having an inappropriate relationship with X. Either you stop all communication with her and end it OR I will take the appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce. I will NOT live in an open marriage."

The ball will be placed in his court.

If he can't end it with her, then you decide whether you accept being in an open marriage is ok or you move on.

Believe me, I know you want to lash out at her, she's a homewrecking jerk, but right now, I'd go more with confronting him than her (if you confront him at all).

He does NOT have you or your kids' best interest right now.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:10 PM   #140 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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btw, you CAN still do a Plan A, if you have it in you. Going to no contact at this points leaves a bad taste in his mouth, as the last thing he remembers of you is you going nutso. Except he knows I'm not nuts. He knows I'm mighty intelligent and know him better than he knows himself. Going no contact at this point, without letting him know I KNOW, is the best. I need to find a lawyer and make some decisions. He's lost me.

If you'll read the material at MB - especially the book Surviving An Affair - you'll see that you need to create an image of you in his mind of the GOOD, loving, but strong wife who CAN make you the better choice, BEFORE you go dark (no contact, Plan B). It's suggested that you do this Plan A for at least 3 or 4 weeks so all his latest memories of you are of the woman he fell in love with - no LBs, no demands (except stop the affair), look and smell good, cooking the meals he loves, meeting his top ENs. Can't do this. He's already moved out. Not sure I want him back. I am the better choice, and being without him looks mighty appealing in my eyes. Look at what I've gone through? For what?

THEN, after you've set those memories in his head, THEN you write him a Plan B letter where you state that you love him, but that what you need in a marriage includes him being faithful to you, and you can't share him. When he's ready to commit to you, let you know; until then, you can't see him any more. Already wrote all that in a letter. I just didn't demand he end his friendship with her. Did you read the letter? Thoughts? Especially now that I know he's having ANOTHER EA?

Instead, you went from telling him what he's doing wrong, expecting things from him, to harassing his old friend, to going dark. What old friend? The OW? He knows nothing about me talking to his best friend, and I haven't harassed anyone.

Where in there is the loving wife he used to care about? In a letter? That may not be enough to remind him why he should come home. I've been here all along, which is why he's so conflicted. I'm not doing half of what you suspect. I really am a strong, patient person. His 5 days away? Chances are, he was with her.
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Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:15 PM   #141 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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If you want to confront him you could say "Husband, I know you are having an inappropriate relationship with X. Either you stop all communication with her and end it OR I will take the appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce. I will NOT live in an open marriage."

The ball will be placed in his court.

If he can't end it with her, then you decide whether you accept being in an open marriage is ok or you move on.

Believe me, I know you want to lash out at her, she's a homewrecking jerk, but right now, I'd go more with confronting him than her (if you confront him at all).

He does NOT have you or your kids' best interest right now.
Do you think no contact is a bad idea right now? I'm really confused as to why he got so angry after reading my letter. It doesn't make sense. It must have made him feel REALLY bad. So he cut me out. I want to see what he does when he doesn't have me around. I do need to tell him that I know, and he'll ask how, then what do I say? His friend says I should let it play out and he'll try to get to him. My friend whose husband was a cheater says I need to let him self destruct. I feel like smashing his phone into a million pieces and shoving it up his @ss. I feel like, for now, I need to not confront him. I'll wait for him to hang himself. I texted his mom that I figured everything out and I would like to talk to her in person. She has stopped responding after I told her I'd like to discuss in person and not on the phone. I really don't know if I want him. I am a good wife. And come to think of it, I've loved him loyally, but he's not been able to meet my emotional needs for a long time. So maybe I need to find someone who can.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:54 PM   #142 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

Give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.

Hopefully his friend will be able to get thru to him before he does self destruct.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:10 PM   #143 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

What did your letter to him say?

If the letter involved you stating what you will and won't accept and you standing up for yourself, not rolling over and being a doormat and he got pissed, then no I'm not surprised. So far he's been allowed to do what he wants when he wants and has you as a safe back up while he carries on an EA while knowing the pain it's causing you, your kids, your marriage.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:11 PM   #144 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.
.

this!!!
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:19 PM   #145 (permalink)
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Do you think no contact is a bad idea right now? I'm really confused as to why he got so angry after reading my letter. It doesn't make sense. It must have made him feel REALLY bad. So he cut me out. I want to see what he does when he doesn't have me around. I do need to tell him that I know, and he'll ask how, then what do I say? His friend says I should let it play out and he'll try to get to him. My friend whose husband was a cheater says I need to let him self destruct. I feel like smashing his phone into a million pieces and shoving it up his @ss. I feel like, for now, I need to not confront him. I'll wait for him to hang himself. I texted his mom that I figured everything out and I would like to talk to her in person. She has stopped responding after I told her I'd like to discuss in person and not on the phone. I really don't know if I want him. I am a good wife. And come to think of it, I've loved him loyally, but he's not been able to meet my emotional needs for a long time. So maybe I need to find someone who can.
What a dog. How dare he have you walking on eggshells trying to not push him or upset him when all along he was doing what he claimed you made him feel so bad about. He's either a confused mess or a sneaky snake. Can I ask what age group you guys are in that high school seems like such glory days to him?
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:33 PM   #146 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Babyheart View Post
Give him enough rope to hang himself with. You take care of you & the kids. Be polite & civil to him when you see him. Always look great. Do not chase him anymore. You are better than that.

Hopefully his friend will be able to get thru to him before he does self destruct.
I don't know if I want him? I will not chase him. It's taking all my strength to not tell him he disgusts me. When I first found out he lied to me about talking to her for 2 hours back in November, I texted him, "You disgust me." And this all started from there.

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What did your letter to him say?

If the letter involved you stating what you will and won't accept and you standing up for yourself, not rolling over and being a doormat and he got pissed, then no I'm not surprised. So far he's been allowed to do what he wants when he wants and has you as a safe back up while he carries on an EA while knowing the pain it's causing you, your kids, your marriage.
This is the letter. Now what? "I love you and I always will..." Now after you read it, tell me how bad he felt about what he was doing and good I looked.

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What a dog. How dare he have you walking on eggshells trying to not push him or upset him when all along he was doing what he claimed you made him feel so bad about. He's either a confused mess or a sneaky snake. Can I ask what age group you guys are in that high school seems like such glory days to him?
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You are exactly right. Look how I've been in turmoil, thinking that he isn't doing anything and I'm being suspicious. Look at how much benefit of the doubt I gave him, all the while he was having his cake and eating it too. You've seen me defend him. It makes me sick. No wonder he was defensive. He is a confused mess. And he is 33 years old. We've been married for 10 years, together for 13. I'm really not sure I want him back. I don't know how to get over the fact that this happened twice.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:43 PM   #147 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

That letter, IMO was way too wordy and way too "kissing his butt" for lack of a better phrase.

You should communicate to him you WILL NOT be in a marriage where there's a third party and STOP LETTING HIM call all the shots. What about you? What you want? What you need? Stop giving this man all your power, Lonely.

You said in 100 diff ways how you feel you're not meeting his needs, and placated him each step of the way but let me ask you something -- is he meeting your needs? Truthfully?

Lonely you deserve more.

And do not reveal to him how you know about the ongoing EA. All he needs to know is that YOU know.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:47 PM   #148 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

He knows you contacted HER. THAT makes you look nuts, to him AND to her.

The OLD him knows you're not nuts, but now you are interfering with his heroin source - the 'feel good' he gets when talking to OW. So now, you are NOT attractive to him and the OLD him no longer matters.

You have kids, right? So you CAN do a Plan A when it involves kid exchanges, school events, or any other opportunity for him to see you. And he NEEDS to see you looking and smelling great, moving on with your life, NOT harping on him to come home, NOT telling him what he's doing wrong. He needs to see you say 'You want OW in your life? Fine. But you don't get her AND me. You choose. For now, I've got my own life to live.'
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:53 PM   #149 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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That letter, IMO was way too wordy and way too "kissing his butt" for lack of a better phrase.

You should communicate to him you WILL NOT be in a marriage where there's a third party and STOP LETTING HIM call all the shots. What about you? What you want? What you need? Stop giving this man all your power, Lonely.

You said in 100 diff ways how you feel you're not meeting his needs, and placated him each step of the way but let me ask you something -- is he meeting your needs? Truthfully?

Lonely you deserve more.

And do not reveal to him how you know about the ongoing EA. All he needs to know is that YOU know.
with all of it.

Make sure your NC letter is straight to the point and above all don't out his friend. You may need him on your side in the future. Start out with, "I now have confirmation that you are in an emotional affair with ______" and take it from there.
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:45 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

Now I'm confused. The best friend just sent me this. WTH?

I talked to *** and from what I can tell she seems to be a problem between the 2 of you and not an actual problem. He doesn't talk to her much and he seems more angry at the situation. Not really sure where to go with him right now after everything that went on with you 2 this weekend. If I come up with anything I'll let you know. As for right now my best suggestion is keep your distance, don't utter the name *****, and don't look for much rationale from him for a while. He is not thinking rationally right now. I'll talk to him again later today.

Okay, now really confused. Do you think H just convinced him otherwise? And it sounds like he is done and told the best friend so.
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Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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