Thanks, everyone. I'm gobsmacked by this. He is being so ugly. I think I'm going with, "I didn't even look at your note or papers. Considering the way you're treating me lately, I don't need anything more thrown at me." And then saying if he wants to talk, we can meet in front of a MC. I'm pissed he did this when he had the kids. Then my daughter calling me crying last night and making me cry. It's like he's out for some revenge.
I'm going to try to get in to see a different attorney today and show them the papers. He definitely has gone through the stuff on my nightstand, not sure what he's looking for. I am not signing anything. Like I said, I don't think it's even necessary at this point. I think I might not pay my mortgage payment and sock that money away. If this goes the way he wants, our credit is screwed anyhow. So might as well be prepared.
I know that he did love me deeply at one point, and even cared about me a month ago. He's just fell into temptation and twisted things in his head. He cried at the altar when we married, and he cried when I threw our vows in his face in December and he recommitted to the marriage. But it all fell apart when he went to Vegas and saw her while visiting his friends in January. His best friend is pissed at him, but H won't even open up to him. I texted with his best friend last night for a couple hours. He says H is miserable, he just won't show it. And that he's angry because he can't handle the guilt. He wants to see me miserable too, and he said that he needs to see me happy and fine without him. I think it's too late for that.
The man can not stoop any lower. These kids are products of your love and to carelessly leave a note in the car is just so imature. Both of you have a responsibility to the kids to make sure they stay out of the divorce as much as possible. He should be thinking about what is best for his kids(seeing their mom more than just early morning). His actions show that he plans to run over you. He put it in your car because he is a coward!
Do not do this by sitting down. Get your boxing gloves on! You are protecting you and the well being of your kids. He is the one having an affair, he left the house and you and the kids. Now he needs consequences!! You have tried to be nice and he basically spit in your face! Get that attorney and inform him that his child custody agreement does not fit in you or your kids life and you will not be signing. If he wants the divorce, he left so now he needs to play using your rules! Don't back down!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have to stay tough. You need to show him that you are doing well without him. Go out, do fun things and let the kids tell him how life in your house is happy and doing well. Kids have a way of saying things that can be so innocent yet brutal! Do you have any unattached male friends? Go out to dinner with them. Let the hubby find out! He will be furious. I think he will get a glimpse of you moving on and seeing you with another man will take him over the edge!it. Can be a completely innocent dinner. The point is, I think that will give him a jolt of reality. My wife will be free to see other people too!
He defintley is eating his cake! Take that fork right out of his hand and stick it....oh never mind you know! Posted via Mobile Device
The man can not stoop any lower. These kids are products of your love and to carelessly leave a note in the car is just so imature. Both of you have a responsibility to the kids to make sure they stay out of the divorce as much as possible. He should be thinking about what is best for his kids(seeing their mom more than just early morning). His actions show that he plans to run over you. He put it in your car because he is a coward!
Do not do this by sitting down. Get your boxing gloves on! You are protecting you and the well being of your kids. He is the one having an affair, he left the house and you and the kids. Now he needs consequences!! You have tried to be nice and he basically spit in your face! Get that attorney and inform him that his child custody agreement does not fit in you or your kids life and you will not be signing. If he wants the divorce, he left so now he needs to play using your rules! Don't back down!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have to stay tough. You need to show him that you are doing well without him. Go out, do fun things and let the kids tell him how life in your house is happy and doing well. Kids have a way of saying things that can be so innocent yet brutal! Do you have any unattached male friends? Go out to dinner with them. Let the hubby find out! He will be furious. I think he will get a glimpse of you moving on and seeing you with another man will take him over the edge!it. Can be a completely innocent dinner. The point is, I think that will give him a jolt of reality. My wife will be free to see other people too!
He defintley is eating his cake! Take that fork right out of his hand and stick it....oh never mind you know! Posted via Mobile Device
I like the way you think. Believe me, I do not take things lying down. He knows this, that's what makes me think he's waiting for a reaction. Last night when he realized my mom was here, he probably started to get a little scared. She is a fighter and he knows it. And she's here to make sure he doesn't run over me.
He IS spitting in my face. Looking back at his texts, it's almost like he's taunting me with the fact that I don't have any proof, I haven't found anything to prove his affair. He says I believe what I want to believe and have pushed him too far. Uh, yeah, okay. The fact that his best friend is shut out and disgusted by him speaks volumes. He is asking me if I would ever want this man back after he's treated me. I told him I didn't know. I keep thinking time will snap him out of it, but anyhow I know I'll be fine regardless. Yes, major life changes, but I can get through it. But he knows that the kids are my world, and he's trying to hit me in the heart. He's punishing me and acting the way I SHOULD be acting.
I thought about meeting up with some people I've met online but he wouldn't have any idea I was doing that. And to be honest, I'm afraid to even put myself in a situation like that. The kids go back and tell him mommy's friend came over and he'd probably paint me as an unfit mother or something. I'm not changing the locks for now, but I also don't like how he's coming in and snooping while I'm at work. Maybe next time he'll find some flowers from a secret admirer.
Funny thing I keep thinking of...He has this tattoo on his back of a globe, and it says "My Life, My World" and it has my name on it along with my sons. What's he going to do about that big fat lie?
My wife has a tattoo of a compass she got and it signified her feeling of not knowing where she was headed next and the hard time she has knowing whats right and the direction to take. Its hard to look at that every night and think about what that has meant in our marriage.
Give him some tough love. WOW @ crying at alter and when you said vows again. He's lost himself. I don't think that its you who is lost.
My wife has a tattoo of a compass she got and it signified her feeling of not knowing where she was headed next and the hard time she has knowing whats right and the direction to take. Its hard to look at that every night and think about what that has meant in our marriage.
Give him some tough love. WOW @ crying at alter and when you said vows again. He's lost himself. I don't think that its you who is lost.
It is all so strange. He has lost himself and what he stands for. He's lost his sense of loyalty and family. It's amazing this girl has that much pull on him. His best friend said she was a drain on him in high school, and he thinks she's a drain on him now. It's unfortunate. I don't doubt that he loves me deeply, I just think he's blind to that in this fog. His best friend also says this isn't about me. It's about him and his own internal struggle. I think now he's hiding it and telling himself he's going to be happy but he's really miserable. That's what the anger is about, to cover up the guilt that is rearing it's ugly head. I think he's also convinced himself that this situation has spiraled out of control and there's no going back. Which might be true.
The funny thing is, that this girl hasn't contacted me. She has my facebook and my phone number now. She knows that my H told me about her problems in her marriage with her ex based on what I wrote to him. She's probably mad and that's transferring to H. She's on his tail. LOL. Any decent woman would call me up and explain herself or tell me off, but no.
His rush is that he is showing you by his actions where his head is at. You have to start thinking it's over, Lonely. Done. Let him go. Do you really want to be with a man who would so callously walk out on you and your kids and has been unfaithful MORE THAN ONCE and won't even own it??? That has so little respect for you he can't even tell you the truth???
Yep, he wants you to agree to ev erything cause if a divorce goes through, any agreement made prior is 99% of the time signed by the judge. Protect yourself, your kids, and get a lawyer. NO MORE talking to him or asking him to go to MC and professing your undying love for him. He does NOT have your best interests. Get it?
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Originally Posted by sisters359
I don't think you can move forward as long as you are clinging to every communication with him--and you continue to communicate as a way of clinging, b/c you do not want the marriage to end. But what you are doing isn't working, so it's time to try something new.
By repeatedly asserting that you want to save the marriage and that you want the the guidance of a MC, you are clearly showing that saving the marriage is your top priority--which is true--and you are protecting yourself from these futile exchanges which actually seem to be making things worse for you.
As I read through the thread, I see you agonizing over everything--when he communicates and when he does not. That does not seemed to have helped you, and it hasn't helped the marriage. He does not sound like a man who was deeply in love with you, I'm sorry to say. You deserve better than someone who is only willing to hang around as long as you bolster up his fantasy of who he is.
THIS!!!
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Originally Posted by LonelyNLost
I think I'm going with, "I didn't even look at your note or papers. Considering the way you're treating me lately, I don't need anything more thrown at me." And then saying if he wants to talk, we can meet in front of a MC.
No, sweetie. It doesn't work that way. Once one party has had papers drawn up, it's not the time to keep telling them that you want to be with them/groveling. He doesn't want to do MC. If he would have wanted it, it'd already have been done. Just like if he wanted to cut off contact with the skank, he would have done it already. Just like if he wanted to come home, he would have done it. He doesn't want to. Those papers are a HUGE sign of where his mind is at. Start accepting it. If you don't, this is going to be even harder for you.
[QUOTE=LonelyNLost;292385] He's just fell into temptation and twisted things in his head. [ /QUOTE]
Do not make excuses for him. His decisions and choices are his own. We are all tempted. That doesn't mean we all act on it.
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Originally Posted by LonelyNLost
He cried at the altar when we married
My husband did that too. Even cried to me two weeks ago. And guess what... he divorced me on Monday.
Get yourself ready. Accept he's gone. And get a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. No more Mr. Nice Guy from you and no more trying to help him see how wrong he is. he knows exactly what he is doing. The longer you cling, te more psycho and desperate you will appear to him.
Don't think of the happy times right now. Look whats in front of you.
And start acting like you would if this is the person he is going to be for the rest of his life. You don't want him.
Only if he ever has a change of heart in the future should you start thinking about all that.
And by then, who knows, you may then be truly happy and be with someone who respects you and loves you for you, and not for what piece of ass he can get on the side.
I think if you took the thought that this is now who he is and won't change, it will begin to help you move in the right direction
It is all so strange. He has lost himself and what he stands for. He's lost his sense of loyalty and family. It's amazing this girl has that much pull on him. His best friend said she was a drain on him in high school, and he thinks she's a drain on him now. It's unfortunate. I don't doubt that he loves me deeply, I just think he's blind to that in this fog. His best friend also says this isn't about me. It's about him and his own internal struggle. I think now he's hiding it and telling himself he's going to be happy but he's really miserable. That's what the anger is about, to cover up the guilt that is rearing it's ugly head. I think he's also convinced himself that this situation has spiraled out of control and there's no going back. Which might be true.
I think this is the truth and the way to look at all of this. Let him decide what he is going to do next. I 100% agree with the guilt part. He knows what he is doing is wrong, he just has to see that.
Hopefully his best friend talks to him and tells him he is making a huge mistake.
The chance your husband has at seeing the truth is giving him tough love and freedom.
I don't think there is no going back. Expose this affair to the people who matter, let him suffer the consequences, and be ready to divinely forgive if he does return. I had gotten my wife a few books recently on healing and forgiveness.
I got to see my son this morning when H dropped him off at school. He came in and started reporting that H had asked him if our neighbor (his friend of 8 years that he's shut out) has come over. I don't know why he asks that every time! He then told my that my daughter told H that "Mommy doesn't like you." I have never said that, but she's 2 and interprets it that way I guess. I have been crying or sad and she asks what's wrong and I tell her Daddy hurt my feelings. But I know I need to stop and just pull it together for them. I will not let him treat me like this AND take my kids away half the time. He said that H told him they are coming with him Sunday but not spending the night. At least he doesn't have the illusion that his proposed schedule is going to start now.
JB ~ You are right. I think I have to be ready to accept that and okay with it. It's just that he gets months to agonize and be confused because of his affair, and then once I get close to finding out the truth he freaks out and is talking attorneys and custody and goes and sees a lawyer. All the while, telling me he wants our marriage to work, he's just so defeated he doesn't know how to fix it, blah blah blah. I saw one, just consulted, which I'm sure he did because we have no money to pay for one. My family couldn't help me out either, and I'm afraid his parents could help him. I just don't know.
And they aren't really papers drawn up. It's like a printout of our state's planning paperwork and he's filled it in himself. Telling me to let him know what I think. He knows full well what I think! Jerk! He thinks I'm uninformed but he's wrong. I don't even get what he was looking for on my nightstand yesterday. Really boggles my mind.
Neil - That helps. To think of him as THIS cowardly, spineless bastard that is treating me like I should be treating him is an easy way to let him go. I guess I fear for my kids' security, and I fear of what will happen. Financial ruin, not sure of long term plans. He has to realize that the chances of me picking up and moving 3 hours away to be with my family are pretty good. Not sure how that works, will have to ask the attorney. I really don't want to leave my job here and uproot the kids in this.
I think this is the truth and the way to look at all of this. Let him decide what he is going to do next. I 100% agree with the guilt part. He knows what he is doing is wrong, he just has to see that.
Hopefully his best friend talks to him and tells him he is making a huge mistake.
The chance your husband has at seeing the truth is giving him tough love and freedom.
I don't think there is no going back. Expose this affair to the people who matter, let him suffer the consequences, and be ready to divinely forgive if he does return. I had gotten my wife a few books recently on healing and forgiveness.
That's the problem, though. He talks to the best friend, but has no idea I have talked to him and he knows as much as he does. He also shuts the best friend down at any questions about how things are between us. Doesn't even vent to him to tell him about my snooping or anything. Just "acts" happy and posts some inspirational quotes on his fb page that make it seem like he's working through his problems, which he isn't. That's the friend's words. He told me he'd tell him he is wrong if he ever had the chance.
I can't really expose the affair, because I have no proof, which he points out over and over again. Her stbx didn't bite when I wrote him. I told his mom what's going on and she didn't even respond to that part. He would just tell everyone I'm crazy. No one to expose it to, he's shut everyone out. And I'm not sure I could forgive again. I really don't know if I can get past this. I'd want the opportunity to try for the kids and for what we had together, but I would be so fearful of this happening again. And the way he's manipulated me and hurt me and treated me like yesterday's trash. The lies. The deceit. The way that I didn't like their friendship from the beginning and he chose to stay friends with her in the beginning. I should have kicked him out then. I didn't know the strength I had.
I have read a lot on forgiveness recently as I've been trying to get it from my wife.
The best quote I read was "forgiveness is surrendering your will to hurt back or retaliate against those who hurt you". Its really not any more than that.
Someone else will judge your husband for this and he will suffer the consequences for his actions, that shouldn't come from you however. It doesn't mean you completely forget or stop protecting yourself. You don't allow the hurt to affect how you treat him going further. You don't be spiteful around him.
I know it sounds crazy, but if your husband does come back to you, I think you could make the heroic effort to forgive. It wouldn't be easy. It would probably be one of the hardest things you've ever done.
I can't really expose the affair, because I have no proof, which he points out over and over again.
I was in a similiar situation. He denies until this day but the facts don't add up. So you know how I came to terms w/ it: I just accepted he was lying to me. I just said "Yep he is having an affair and won't own it despite there being so much evidence." And that was it. He has to live with the fact that he didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. Not my problem.
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Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..." 
it. Can be a completely innocent dinner. The point is, I think that will give him a jolt of reality. My wife will be free to see other people too!
