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Old 03-20-2011, 12:23 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

Your H's reactions sound a lot like mine. Right down to some of his words. The confusion sets in their heads and their mind starts going haywire which in turns makes our emotions even more out of whack with their on and off again responses. But as long as you keep sticking to the 180, it'll get way easier, and you will learn to be your own seperate person again amd regain control of your actions and emotions.
I had a hell of a time trying not to contact my H too!! I slipped up as bad as you if not worse and I thought I pushed him to the brink of no return. There was NO contact for about 2 mos. I mean none whatsoever, and thats when I was like a phoenix. I totally died and was reborn, metaphorically speaking of course. I slowly came to the realization of things, and all the advice and tips that the TAM family had posted (the warnings, the encouragement, the experiences) they were all so very spot-on! And being here gave me the courage to keep up the 180. And when I felt really down, or like I couldn't continue, I posted here and it got me through the roughest parts.

My point? Keep to the 180. Its so hard in the beginning, as you've already found, but its worth it. If you have to create a dummy email acct. I did. And I would go into my real email acct and type all the things I wanted to say to my H and send it to the dummy acct. Sometimes that feels better.

We really are here for you. I have a small list of people on here I wish I could thank in person because without their encouragement, I may have not gotten through the really hard parts. There's a long road ahead still, I'm in no way on the road to Happily Ever After, but I am glad for TAM. I know it'll always be here if I fall again. And thats the best part, knowing you are NOT alone in this.

Focus on the most important things, you and your kids
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Old 03-20-2011, 10:12 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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Your H's reactions sound a lot like mine. Right down to some of his words. The confusion sets in their heads and their mind starts going haywire which in turns makes our emotions even more out of whack with their on and off again responses. But as long as you keep sticking to the 180, it'll get way easier, and you will learn to be your own seperate person again amd regain control of your actions and emotions.
I had a hell of a time trying not to contact my H too!! I slipped up as bad as you if not worse and I thought I pushed him to the brink of no return. There was NO contact for about 2 mos. I mean none whatsoever, and thats when I was like a phoenix. I totally died and was reborn, metaphorically speaking of course. I slowly came to the realization of things, and all the advice and tips that the TAM family had posted (the warnings, the encouragement, the experiences) they were all so very spot-on! And being here gave me the courage to keep up the 180. And when I felt really down, or like I couldn't continue, I posted here and it got me through the roughest parts.

My point? Keep to the 180. Its so hard in the beginning, as you've already found, but its worth it. If you have to create a dummy email acct. I did. And I would go into my real email acct and type all the things I wanted to say to my H and send it to the dummy acct. Sometimes that feels better.

We really are here for you. I have a small list of people on here I wish I could thank in person because without their encouragement, I may have not gotten through the really hard parts. There's a long road ahead still, I'm in no way on the road to Happily Ever After, but I am glad for TAM. I know it'll always be here if I fall again. And thats the best part, knowing you are NOT alone in this.

Focus on the most important things, you and your kids
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Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying. Kept it cool, then he called and like MADE me talk tonight. So now I'm a mess. We talked for 2 and 1/2 hours. Mostly not good. I don't get why he's such a pessimist. It hurts. He's afraid that we work on things and they get better and then we end up back here. I just kept trying to reiterate that if you expect that to happen, then that's what happens. If you expect the tension and that there will be no positive interactions, that's what happens. He doesn't get it. I just kept telling him that if he loved me, he'd go get help. He needs meds, he is seriously depressed. He doesn't think we can recover from this and wants to just call it quits. But then in another breath he says that hopefully we can eventually reconnect. I don't get it. So, I'm taking care of myself and my kids. All I can do!
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Old 03-20-2011, 10:37 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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He needs meds, he is seriously depressed.
If he is actually depressed, then it gets a little weird. You don't really want to get help when you are actually depressed.

Some of that should go away some when you guys can actually be together.
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Old 03-20-2011, 11:41 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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If he is actually depressed, then it gets a little weird. You don't really want to get help when you are actually depressed.
I think I can talk from experience here

In my case, it wasn't that I didn't want help, I didn't want to be part of the help,I wanted someone to help me but not have to do anything, not put any effort in because I so no point. It got to the point where I just wanted all the hurt to just stop, and it almost did.

If W had done 180 with me it would have been so much easier for me, but the on again off again screwed with me so much...

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Some of that should go away some when you guys can actually be together.
Only if he isin't suffering from depression, and if he is, he gets on to meds real quick (and the meds could take 6 - 8 weeks to start having an effect)

If he does have depression, you have to be consistent with him all the time...
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Old 03-20-2011, 11:51 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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He needs meds, he is seriously depressed.
Careful, there is a difference between being depressed and having depression.

Being depressed is treated by seeing a councilor, (may take a few different ones before you can 'connect') and talking through your issues.

Having Depression is treated by meds, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and no amount of talking through issues will fix it.

My depression was diagnosed after I tried to kill myself (I was neat about it, wasn't that nice of me, I didn't want anyone to have to clean up a mess, didn't think I was worth the effort I guess !)

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He doesn't think we can recover from this and wants to just call it quits. But then in another breath he says that hopefully we can eventually reconnect. I don't get it. So, I'm taking care of myself and my kids. All I can do!
He is also confused, maybe more than you might realize.

Yes, for sure, take care of you and your kids, but the other thing you can do is be consistent with him, that is usually 180, 180 is for you, but is also, to a lesser extent, for your partner.
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Old 03-21-2011, 02:59 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying. Kept it cool, then he called and like MADE me talk tonight. So now I'm a mess. We talked for 2 and 1/2 hours. Mostly not good. I don't get why he's such a pessimist. It hurts. He's afraid that we work on things and they get better and then we end up back here. I just kept trying to reiterate that if you expect that to happen, then that's what happens. If you expect the tension and that there will be no positive interactions, that's what happens. He doesn't get it. I just kept telling him that if he loved me, he'd go get help. He needs meds, he is seriously depressed. He doesn't think we can recover from this and wants to just call it quits. But then in another breath he says that hopefully we can eventually reconnect. I don't get it. So, I'm taking care of myself and my kids. All I can do!
My God!! It was like reading something I have written! Honestly! I've heard exactly the same.. The only advice I can give you, is to TRY and cut him out as much as you can.. I know how hard that is believe me.. I've only just realised last night this is my only course of action, this is the only way he'll realised that I am not going to be here forever.. in hindsight, I wish I'd done this alot sooner, I was told countless times too But I never had the power, the energy or the inclination until now.. I wish I had found the strength, I could have possibly saved my marriage, now I think it's over to be honest... but the only way to get over it is to start living for myself and stop it's not getting me anywhere, it just gives me a bad headache My H says the same things as yours, it seems so common *hugs*
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:18 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

bloody husbands, the lot of 'em ought to shot, drawn & quatered, oh, wait, ummmmm, errrrrr, forget I said that !
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:00 AM   #38 (permalink)
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So what do I do about all this confusion? A week without him has me convinced he's having an EA with the ex gf that's 3,000 miles away, and then an hour on the phone has me convinced that their relationship is nothing?! How do I get him to get help? Do I spend time with him? It's all so uncomfortable. I'm not proud of last night. After we hung up, I texted him "really?" and he replied, "what did I do?" and I said "you are so emotionless in your interactions and it's hard to see that you love me. There's nothing positive about anything you say or do" and he said "I do love you, though you don't see that. I'm sorry I make you feel so unloved. There isn't a lot of positive right now. It all sucks." I then replied, "It's hard to see it. If you love me, get help. Allow some positives. Only way to get out of this lowest low." and left it at that.

This morning he shows up at 7am to watch the kids since I have to work and there's no school. Kids are asleep. I made sure I was dressed before he showed up. He comes in and flops on the bed and asks me how I am, to which I respond how the kids are. I didn't go to him. Small talk then silence as I finished doing my makeup. I stood near the bed to say goodbye and he sort of started to reach up then pet the cat instead. I tried not to say anything, but I broke. I said, "Don't you even want to hug me, you haven't seen me for almost 2 weeks" and he says "I do want to hug you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable or feel awkward." and then I just walked out. He yelled after me that he would give me a hug and I just said, "have a nice day" and kept going. Why am I suck a sucker?! I tried to recover from my slip up. I did expect him to come in and hug me. Especially after last night's conversation, which I don't feel good about. He knows he is tearing me to shreds. He is confused, for sure. But I'm even more confused.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:46 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

You guys really need to call a truce on this stuff until MC. This is starting to get bad.

You guys are talking to eachother angry and frustrated.

It sucks when you are hurt to reach out and hug someone, but its often the best thing to do.

Also, you guys are probably feeling the exact same feelings. You both can't trust the other person. You are both hurt. You both want to connect. You both take what the other person does as a negative because they have hurt you so much.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:33 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..."

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You guys really need to call a truce on this stuff until MC. This is starting to get bad.

You guys are talking to eachother angry and frustrated.

It sucks when you are hurt to reach out and hug someone, but its often the best thing to do.

Also, you guys are probably feeling the exact same feelings. You both can't trust the other person. You are both hurt. You both want to connect. You both take what the other person does as a negative because they have hurt you so much.
Ugh. I know. But how? He won't call a truce. He won't go to MC. And I'm almost convinced (from one second to the next it changes) that there's someone else. I think we have similar feelings, but also very different. We both don't know what to do or how to act. Except I keep telling him he needs to allow us to have positive interactions, but he has a self-fulfilling prophecy that every interaction is going to be negative, so that's what happens. I don't know if he wants to connect, all he's done is disconnect. I don't think I hurt him, I think this situation hurts him, but I really don't think my actions hurt him. I guess it hurts him that I'm hurt and he keeps hurting me. Everything is awkward. Neither of us knows how to act. It's like a huge stalemate. I don't know what to do or say or how to act. If I make it about me and continue my 180 he says that it's a game.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:45 AM   #41 (permalink)
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IF there is someone else, that would explain his behavior greatly.

Try to find out.

One's instinct is usually right--what is maing you think that?
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:07 AM   #42 (permalink)
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IF there is someone else, that would explain his behavior greatly.

Try to find out.

One's instinct is usually right--what is maing you think that?
The fact that it would explain his behavior! And there are huge red flags. I've shared some pieces on here, but from the outside looking in it's obvious. But then again, I really don't think so. If it were, it would be an EA with someone who lives 2,500 miles away and she was his first love. They dated for 2 years when he was like 15. And damn facebook is to blame. But now I'm locked out of everything because I told him I was going to trust him. So the only thing I have is her phone number, but no access to catch him doing anything. And he swears that it's nothing and they barely talk. But LOTS of red flags.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:12 AM   #43 (permalink)
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The fact that it would explain his behavior! And there are huge red flags. I've shared some pieces on here, but from the outside looking in it's obvious. But then again, I really don't think so. If it were, it would be an EA with someone who lives 2,500 miles away and she was his first love. They dated for 2 years when he was like 15. And damn facebook is to blame. But now I'm locked out of everything because I told him I was going to trust him. So the only thing I have is her phone number, but no access to catch him doing anything. And he swears that it's nothing and they barely talk. But LOTS of red flags.
I am sorry but distance doesn't mean a thing I live in the UK right, my H had an EA with someone in Australia... one month after leaving me he was on a plane.. 2 hours after landing he turned that into a PA....

If you suspect it and feel it in your gut you're probably right I was, it's our hearts that tries to convince us otherwise, because we never want the person we've dedicated our lives too to do it xx
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:16 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Listen to the red flags.

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A week without him has me convinced he's having an EA with the ex gf that's 3,000 miles away, and then an hour on the phone has me convinced that their relationship is nothing?!
He is only "confused" cause he's talking to her. 99% of the time when someone says they are "confused" about what to do in their marriage, it's cause an affair is happening. From your above statement, it's obvious something is going on. An hour? Really? I don't even talk that long on the phone with my bff.

As long as he's got this going on, you can't recover your marriage .That is why it's time for you to pull the rug out from underneath him. Right now he sees you as safe, a doormat, where he can do/say waht he wants w/o suffering any consequences. You need to tell him and mean it, that you won't be in an open marriage and if not, X will happen...
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:18 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Listen to the red flags.



He is only "confused" cause he's talking to her. 99% of the time when someone says they are "confused" about what to do in their marriage, it's cause an affair is happening. From your above statement, it's obvious something is going on. An hour? Really? I don't even talk that long on the phone with my bff.

As long as he's got this going on, you can't recover your marriage .That is why it's time for you to pull the rug out from underneath him. Right now he sees you as safe, a doormat, where he can do/say waht he wants w/o suffering any consequences. You need to tell him and mean it, that you won't be in an open marriage and if not, X will happen...
I agree with Jellybeans you really need to do this LC and 180 for you, and it shows him you're not going to take his sh*t.. I really really wish I had, and I was told to do it 3 months ago!!
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