You're right. I don't know what I should do. I think some of the 180 works, but he has my son tonight. I also just wanted to have positive interactions. Last night was good. Today I just texted him to ask if he had taken a picture of our daughter bowling yesterday because I wanted to see the cute bowling shoes. He replied that he had tried but it came out bad so he deleted it and I replied that I guess she needs to go bowling again so I can see the tiny shoes. Then he sent me a picture of his parent's bird, and I replied to that asking a question about it. He didn't respond. But then I feel I broke the 180. Damn facebook does those "memorable status updates" now on the side of the page, and it always picks my H's statuses! And today, right there was "thankful for my wonderful wife and two adorable kids. Nuff said!" from a year and a half ago. I told him I hated facebook. He didn't respond. So after awhile I just sent "ok, guess I will ttyl." I know, a mistake in retrospect. Then he called and told me to delete facebook. So that clearly wasn't the way to go. But he had left to go to the store so he talked to me for a moment but he didn't have our son so I couldn't tell him goodnight. Now I have to talk to him again in a little while.
This uncertainty is killing me. Little by little, anxiety and stress are taking me over. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Back to 180 I go. But I need to say goodnight to my son, so hope I don't have to initiate that. I hate this. I want my family back under one roof, where we belong. I do need to send him an email though to communicate what the counselor told me. Haven't done that yet. Still trying to figure out what to say and how. Might need you all to proofread it!
I'm not one of the crowd that's certain he's cheating. But for whatever reason he is stressed by you. I would call to say goodnight to your son and nothing else. If he initiates a conversation about anything other than kids, 'I don't have a lot of time right now and just want to say goodnight to son'
Let him miss you. Let him chase you for more than a day. Let him wonder what you're up to and why you're so damn happy and in a hurry when you talk. Cheating or not he's playing a sick game of baiting you into a conversation then being annoyed or whiny when you follow his lead. Aren't you mad yet? He f***** up and you told him plain as day how to fix it (delete her off fb and no contact) and he whines he can't make you happy? You TOLD him how, he chooses not to. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not one of the crowd that's certain he's cheating. But for whatever reason he is stressed by you. I would call to say goodnight to your son and nothing else. If he initiates a conversation about anything other than kids, 'I don't have a lot of time right now and just want to say goodnight to son'
Let him miss you. Let him chase you for more than a day. Let him wonder what you're up to and why you're so damn happy and in a hurry when you talk. Cheating or not he's playing a sick game of baiting you into a conversation then being annoyed or whiny when you follow his lead. Aren't you mad yet? He f***** up and you told him plain as day how to fix it (delete her off fb and no contact) and he whines he can't make you happy? You TOLD him how, he chooses not to. Posted via Mobile Device
Yeah, it's weird, he called soon after my text, but he was in his truck alone on the way to the store, so I couldn't talk to our son. It was just small talk. Then my son called later and H grabbed the phone from him when he was done. I think he might have wanted to talk to our daughter but she was in the bath. He then said he'd talk to me later on, which sounded like later that night, and I said "tonight?" and he said "no, tomorrow". This morning he dropped him off but didn't come into my classroom. But he did send me a text telling me to have a good day and thanks for letting him spend the night and they had fun. But no ILY, though he says it in person and most of the time on the phone.
I am mad. But I'm also hurt, uncertain, and scared. I can't bring up the issue of the ex on facebook, that would be something to do once he decides to stay in the marriage if that happens. Not sure if you saw my post earlier, but I think the counselor pinpointed the issue with us communicating. We are both being defensive, but for different reasons. He thinks he's opening up and communicating and I see that it's the depression talking and try to talk some sense into him, and he doesn't feel heard. He doesn't feel like I listen to him, and he feels like I tell him he's wrong for feeling or thinking the way he does. It stresses him out. The article I found last night hits the nail on the head. A lot of this is the depression. I'm just not sure what to do about that.
He's said he misses "us" but not recently. I don't know if he's going to see or think clearly with the depression. He sees me acting happy and thinks I'm better off without him. I don't think he's cheating, especially after reading that article.
Anyone have any advice for what to say in a letter where I acknowledge that I haven't been "listening" to him and I validate the way he feels? I need to let him know that I understand now that he doesn't feel "heard" and I want to listen. I also want him to know that I understand that this is what's lead to our hostile interactions and the arguing, because we both feel defensive. I need him to open up the lines of communication, and feel comfortable talking to me. Because right now he's just closing off more and more and detaching.
I'm also really weak. He called right before the kids went to bed and sounded all down. I texted him "smile. you sounded down." and he didn't respond. Then I texted again later asking if he saw a news story. I need something to pop up on my phone telling me not to send a message, because I can't control myself! Aaaaahhhh! I also tried to call but he didn't answer. Texted back that he was in the shower. I've gone 2 days without any relationship talk, but I wish I knew where he stood and what he's thinking. I hate this separation business.
No, I don't think I should. Seriously, read this article. It was eye opening for me. All the things I've heard are right here. HE'S DEPRESSED. He's not cheating. This coupled with the fact that he doesn't feel listened to, and I don't trust him, has snowballed into the situation we're in.
I just don't know how to get him to read this, and if he did read it, I'm not sure he'd identify immediately. And I'm terrified of the fact that he is detaching from me. He's telling himself he can't make me happy and he is accepting that he failed at marriage. I feel like I need to do something. NOW! But I'm trying to 180.
Anyone have any advice for what to say in a letter where I acknowledge that I haven't been "listening" to him and I validate the way he feels? I need to let him know that I understand now that he doesn't feel "heard" and I want to listen. I also want him to know that I understand that this is what's lead to our hostile interactions and the arguing, because we both feel defensive. I need him to open up the lines of communication, and feel comfortable talking to me. Because right now he's just closing off more and more and detaching.
I'm also really weak. He called right before the kids went to bed and sounded all down. I texted him "smile. you sounded down." and he didn't respond. Then I texted again later asking if he saw a news story. I need something to pop up on my phone telling me not to send a message, because I can't control myself! Aaaaahhhh! I also tried to call but he didn't answer. Texted back that he was in the shower. I've gone 2 days without any relationship talk, but I wish I knew where he stood and what he's thinking. I hate this separation business.
google "Affaircare" that website has a bunch of sample letters that will give you some ideas.
You need to stop texting him though. Next time you want to, put the phone down for 10 minutes, then if you really want to send it do. But stop doing it on the spur of the moment.
Try to get him to read it. If you have to, put important words behind how you tell him.
Give me some ideas. What do you mean by important words? I was thinking I'd just send him the link, because printing it out and handing it to him seems a little bit like shoving it in his face. I can't give timelines, ultimatums, or even say, "hope you can identify with this." I guess I'm just at a loss on how to get him to read it. He did say he'd read whatever.
I'm going to validate his feelings and encourage him to read the link in two separate interactions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Babyheart
google "Affaircare" that website has a bunch of sample letters that will give you some ideas.
You need to stop texting him though. Next time you want to, put the phone down for 10 minutes, then if you really want to send it do. But stop doing it on the spur of the moment.
I know, I need to stop texting. I don't grab my phone and text on impulse, I do usually sit and ponder it for a bit.
Does affaircare have letters for non-infedility related issues?
I just read that link. My H for a long time was waking up at 4am or so, and has commented that he cannot get himself to stop going over things. I knew he was depressed, even though he denies it. Shame it got as far as it did for us though.
Try to get your husband some help.
"I know we are going through a very rough time. I am still committed to us and you. I really want you to read this. I know things are bad and you don't even know if you want to be with me, but please read this for what is left of us."
It depends on where you are at though. You probably know what he will respond to better than the rest of us.
What you said might be better. Validate his emotions and send him a link.
"I know we are going through a very rough time. I am still committed to us and you. I really want you to read this. I know things are bad and you don't even know if you want to be with me, but please read this for what is left of us."
It depends on where you are at though. You probably know what he will respond to better than the rest of us.
What you said might be better. Validate his emotions and send him a link.
anx, you are the best. I really like what you wrote. Maybe I'll do a sort of combo thing. I could validate and send that link together. Hmmm. Something to think about. I know it's not very 180, but what's right for one situation isn't always right for another. And it's my marriage. I really want it to work out.
Yeah they have a good selection of letters. Might give you some ideas at least.
Babyheart, did you mean taking some from the sample consequences letters, here? Sample Consequences Letters I can see taking some from several of these. They are very heartfelt. Sort of a last ditch. Right now, he's calling me to small talk, and texting occasionally. "Taking it one day at a time" he says, but not sure if he's talking about life or our relationship.
Do you think I should send the depression link to him in the same letter where I validate his feelings and empathize with how he feels and tell him I'm sorry for not being a better listener?
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Then he called and told me to delete facebook. So that clearly wasn't the way to go. But he had left to go to the store so he talked to me for a moment but he didn't have our son so I couldn't tell him goodnight. Now I have to talk to him again in a little while. 
It was just small talk. Then my son called later and H grabbed the phone from him when he was done. I think he might have wanted to talk to our daughter but she was in the bath. He then said he'd talk to me later on, which sounded like later that night, and I said "tonight?" and he said "no, tomorrow". This morning he dropped him off but didn't come into my classroom. But he did send me a text telling me to have a good day and thanks for letting him spend the night and they had fun. But no ILY, though he says it in person and most of the time on the phone. 
you sounded down." and he didn't respond. Then I texted again later asking if he saw a news story. I need something to pop up on my phone telling me not to send a message, because I can't control myself! Aaaaahhhh! I also tried to call but he didn't answer. Texted back that he was in the shower. I've gone 2 days without any relationship talk, but I wish I knew where he stood and what he's thinking. I hate this separation business.
I really like what you wrote. Maybe I'll do a sort of combo thing. I could validate and send that link together. Hmmm. Something to think about. 
