golfergirl

Good luck! Be strong!
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Jellybeans

Good one, Tam

LonelyNLost

Thanks! I'm not actually filing today, it's like pre-filing I guess. He will know at the beginning of next week that I'm moving forward with divorcing him. Should be interesting. That cracked me up about the lady and the tramp. Love it!

I won't say anything to him. His best friend seems to think he's not over it like he says he is based on him doing little things and taking the sentimental things from the house. I can't read him at all, but it doesn't matter. I feel the same about our kids, why in the world hasn't he sat down and told them we are getting divorced? I think the answer is because he doesn't want to be the one to deliver that news and deal with the pain he's caused.

Thanks, girl! I will be strong. I'm bringing along my best friend as an extra set of ears. I'll update you guys later. I have no idea what to even expect.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

tamara24

I am glad you got a good laugh. You may not be filing but hiring an attorney says hey,I am moving on. I don't think that you come out of a fourteen year relationship with someone without questioning if it is right or wrong. There were good memories as well as bad and it all gets mixed up with emotions. It might give him a jolt because you showed strength by taking the initiative.

Everybody is going to have an adjustment period. What remains the most important,is that you can convey that mom and dad don't live together,but you are still parents and there. You are a different person from when you started this thread and your son probably sees you changing as well as his relationship with his dad. That is kind of spooky for a kid as they like everything constant. Just show a lot of love and hugs and reassurance. When he cries, ask him,hey dad said for you to call him whenever you want, would you like to talk to dad. I realize mr. Stupid may not have been the greatest dad over the last few months but to a kid,if dad stayed there and he knew he was there or coming home,it would make him feel comfortable. But knowing dad isn't coming home and maybe he won't show up for me,could be weighing in on his little mind.

Hope all went well today,have a glass of sangria when you get home!
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LonelyNLost

Hey guys! So today with the lawyer went well. She was running late but spent an hour with me, taking notes on what I wanted. She will draft it all up in a settlement agreement that gets sent with a bunch of other things. She said it will hopefully be done by the end of next week. Then I can hand it to him, or she can mail it. I think I'll have it mailed certified mail. I tried to be fair and reasonable, so hopefully he agrees to it all as is. We split the debts down the middle, which meant he takes the equity line of credit. I don't know how that works with responsibility and stuff when it's settled, because that is tied to the house so there's a lien, so if he doesn't pay it do I get in trouble? I don't know how that all works. I feel good about it though, and it really wasn't hard for me to sit there and talk about divorce. She said the quickest if he agrees to everything would be about 60 days, the longest 5 months if uncontested. I'm hoping that by August it will all be done.

Thanks, I do feel like a different person. I'm emerging! Weird feelings tonight though. I went out when he brought the kids home, and my daughter had taken his sunglasses and wrapped them around her waist, so when I picked her up I took them off and we all 4 were laughing in the driveway about it like old times. That was kind of hard. Like at that moment I wanted him, but I think it's the comfort I want. I want what I had, but not who he is now. And he still looks like crap. Still never talked to our son about what he overheard. Son was a little better tonight, but I think he is really struggling with the change and all.

And OW's ex messaged me again and said that they had lots of issues and things on their plate for awhile, but that she filed for divorce after she came home and found another woman in the house. He said they were divorcing no matter what, but that was when she filed and moved out. He says she's not a homewrecker. So I don't know what the deal is there. I don't care. Kind of crappy that she was cheated on and she'd go and tear another family apart. They say homewreckers have really poor self image and self esteem that's why they do it.

I'll wait until Saturday night for the sangria. Going out! Tonight I'm going to hit the hay. I'm so tired!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

LonelyNLost

I think I'm crashing today. I'm not over it like I thought. I know I don't want him back, I know that for sure. But right now I'm just struggling. I guess we all have good and bad days in this journey, but I'd love to curl up in bed and just cry.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

tamara24

Sending you a hug. The finality of everything is hitting you and your grieving for what you lost. Take your time. Nobody here wants you to do anything you are not ready for. Just food for thought, I can't imagine him completely over you either. Remember,fourteen years is a long time. Take your time.

So hubby has done some terrible stuff and your head says hey, the a--,has done some really crappy things. But your heart remembers all the great comfy times where you felt safe. It is only natural to have those feelings. Cry when you need to cry,laugh when you can laugh. Maybe hubby is also going through his emotions and thinking I just made the biggest mistake of my life and is coming out of the fog.
This may prompt him to start talking to you and you finding out exactly what he has been missing in the marraige and maybe he is willing to work with that. I am not saying either way,don't give him a chance or give him one, I am saying take things slow. You might find closure or you might find that all this was started because of thoughts and feelings neither of you discussed and both of you have misunderstood. You are the only person that can make that decision. We can tell you dump him, you are angy and feel you are DONE,but fourteen years is a long time to rush into something because of a bad two years. You might find,you dislike the man he has become and you can not work past this, but you might also find he felt neglected or misunderstood your actions and reacted in a stupid manner.

The reason I say this to you. Why did he fell the need to go to the store and buy the screwdriver? Did you say thank you? It was his way of taking care of you. What if you said hey, thanks for the screwdriver, I wish you had come in and helped put the bike together, I am hoping it doesn't fall apart as she rides it! Keep it light. I think he should talk to you not texting,emailing and over the phone. If your ever going to get the closure(either way) he needs to feel he can talk to you. No sucking up,just be nice/civil,l,relax a bit. You have made your choice, but nobody is pushing you to have it done by this afternoon. Take your time, make sure all avenues have been explored before you make a decision that you can't change.

You have come a long way and you are getting "a little bit stronger",but you still have unresolved issues. Take care of them first so you can come out of this feeling like you completed this chapter in your life.

More hugs sent your way!
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LonelyNLost

Thanks, tamara, that really did make me feel better. I know I'll be alright, and this is just a bad day. I'll take my kids to the mall today, we'll order pizza, and then have a movie night at home together. I think a lot of this is the finality of ending my marriage. My heart does remember the good times, the laughs, the love.

His friend seems to think he isn't over it like he says he is, but this is scorched earth, there's no coming back. I don't know if he's coming out of the fog, or if he ever will realize what he lost. I don't think I'm the villain, he knows what he's done. I really, truly do think he sees me for the amazing person I am, which is why he feels so crappy and defends himself with all the anger. I know I could never allow him to hurt me again. I can't even see myself making light conversation with him, I can't allow him past these walls. I did not thank him for the screwdriver. Last night he picked up son from school and I walked out to his truck and asked him if he'd like to keep them until 8pm instead of 7:30 and he was more than willing to. I did thank him for that.

I guess I really don't see the screwdriver as him thinking he's helping me out. I think it's more of the shame and guilt he feels. Who knows? I felt like I had closure in the proof that he was cheating. I had closure in realizing really who he has become and that my life can't include him any more. Our marriage is over, and I've accepted that. Now it's time for the healing. Who knows how long that will take?

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Jellybeans

The up and down is totally normal.
I am very happy & proud of you Lonely, for seeing the lawyer. GOOD!
I would have the paperwork served to him. Lik ehow he was too much of a coward to bring you the papers about the child agreement... hahaha..have him served.

It's normal to backslid eand focus on only the good-romanticizing everything. But you must not do that. You can remembe there was good and bad but must focus on the REALITY of yoru situatioN: which is that he chose to leave you and abandon the family so he could get off w/ some Vegas Wh*re.

You ARE better than that and DESERVE better than that and you will be fine just fine in the end. Promise. He did you a huuuge favor.

LonelyNLost

Thanks! I do realize that this is for the best. Happiness is out there somewhere. I don't feel that I'm romanticizing everything, just missing what was good. Still not enough to make me give him a chance if he ever did want one. The reality is that he's not the man I married any more, and I'm done hoping or thinking he could change.

I think the closest thing to having the settlement proposal served to him would be certified mail. Or I could have one of my friends that have a police husband deliver it to him, haha. We'll see how it goes down. I'm crossing my fingers he agrees to it all as is.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Jellybeans

Have your lawyer send it certified. It's more official that way.

When I got my settlement agreement, ex-H has his lawyer mail it to me.

LonelyNLost

Yep, that was what I was thinking. And if he tries to talk to me about it, I'll tell him to call my lawyer and discuss possible amendments. I don't think I should discuss any of it with him at this point.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

KathyGriffinFan

Yay Lonely, you've come so far, so quickly.

Jellybeans

Exactly. This is how you handle it...

H will be all, "Lonely I can't believe you filed! WTF, you didn't even talk to me first, I am not signing anything! It doesn't mean anything since I have not ok'ed it, I will make this divorce horrible for you, you just now totally convinced me it was the right reason to separate, etc... I would have never asked for all the things you did... I can't believe you got a lawyer involved w/o even talking to me first--I thought we agreed to mediation!!!" and you can say

"D-uchenozzle (I mean, Husband's Name)... Let's not make this more difficult than it needs to be. You can contact my lawyer directly with any questions relating to the settlement agreement. At this point I will only discuss co-parenting with you. You decided to leave and I am deciding to move on with my life." Then walk away.
END POINT.

You don't owe him anything. Understand?

LonelyNLost

Haha, that made me laugh.

So, his paycheck did not go in the account. And I need money to pay bills and for the car insurance (his included) that is going to try to come out of that joint account on Monday. Grrr. How do I handle THAT?

I need to just hand him the pile of overdue bills that he's going to be responsible for, according to the agreement I made with the lawyer yesterday. And I need to tell him to get new car insurance. Do I just wait and see if he has money for me tomorrow? WTF? What a douche.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.