What is your goal? Are you definitely giving up on the marriage, ready to move forward? Or are you still holding out hope to reconcile?
My goal is to move forward with my dignity and hopefully have an amicable relationship with H for the sake of the kids. I would not be interested in reconciling, I've let go and given up. I don't think I could be comfortable in this marriage ever again. Two times the cheater speaks of too much disrespect and the trust is irreparable. I'm moving on.
That's why I wonder what the parameters are? Should I share the good news about our son? Or does he miss out and just have to wait like all the other parents out there since I'm privy to the information due to my position? Or maybe even just wait to find out from our son? If we were married I'd jump to tell him. Now I don't want any contact with him unless it's business, you know?
My goal is to move forward with my dignity and hopefully have an amicable relationship with H for the sake of the kids. I would not be interested in reconciling, I've let go and given up. I don't think I could be comfortable in this marriage ever again. Two times the cheater speaks of too much disrespect and the trust is irreparable. I'm moving on.
That's why I wonder what the parameters are? Should I share the good news about our son? Or does he miss out and just have to wait like all the other parents out there since I'm privy to the information due to my position? Or maybe even just wait to find out from our son? If we were married I'd jump to tell him. Now I don't want any contact with him unless it's business, you know?
I'd let your son tell him. Hopefully it will be a nice bonding moment.
I'd let your son tell him. Hopefully it will be a nice bonding moment.
That's what I'm thinking. I can't even tell my son how well he did and it's killing me! So I just shared the news with my mom. I guess I'll let our son tell him. You ditch your family, you don't get to share in the good stuff!
You ditch your family, you don't get to share in the good stuff!
Ok, now, here's where I'm going to use my gentle 2x4.
If you are DONE with him and have no desire for reconciliation, then your #1 goal MUST be the best potential outcome for your child. Since a complete happy family would be the #1 way to achieve that, and that isn't possible, then you must make #2 the best option possible.
That means that you do what a mother does - put aside her own personal feelings, to ensure that her son gets his parents parenting together - as together as possible while separate.
You say you want nothing to do with STBX and care only about your son, yet in practically the same breath you say 'you don't get to share in the good stuff.'
WHO does that attitude benefit?
Certainly not your son.
You are still punishing your STBX, and your son is the one losing out.
Ok, now, here's where I'm going to use my gentle 2x4.
If you are DONE with him and have no desire for reconciliation, then your #1 goal MUST be the best potential outcome for your child. Since a complete happy family would be the #1 way to achieve that, and that isn't possible, then you must make #2 the best option possible.
That means that you do what a mother does - put aside her own personal feelings, to ensure that her son gets his parents parenting together - as together as possible while separate.
You say you want nothing to do with STBX and care only about your son, yet in practically the same breath you say 'you don't get to share in the good stuff.'
WHO does that attitude benefit?
Certainly not your son.
You are still punishing your STBX, and your son is the one losing out.
By not sharing in the good stuff, I mean having the benefit of access to information regarding how he did before the rest of the students' parents do. Scores were just released this morning at 6am, the only parents that know are the ones whose children failed. He'll find out about our son doing well, but it won't be me calling him with privy information. So, I'll let my son tell him or show him his score report when he gets it just like all the other parents.
I'm not keeping anything from him, nor is my son losing out on anything. I'm not punishing, I'm just not rewarding, which is exactly what I meant by missing out on the good stuff. He's not being punished with having the normal stuff taken away. He just misses out on the benefit of finding out this exciting news before anyone else due to me being privy to the info. Understand?
He seems to think he's being punished because I don't share all of our conversations with him. I, in a polite way, told H the other night that his relationship with his son is damaged, and I hope he can spend some quality time with him this summer and get him to open up. I told him he doesn't see it because our son tries to be happy and fun around him with what little time they have together, and he got an attitude and said, "Well no one tells me anything" to which I replied, "He's opening up to me because he trusts me and I'm the one closest to him. I'm not going to damage that trust by repeating things to you. If he wanted you to know he would tell you. It's up to you to cultivate that relationship with your kids."
I'm not talking about his report card. I'm talking about your attitude that keeps you from parenting as a team. Your son isn't old enough to brave this battlefield on his own and figure out when and where and how to talk to each of you to keep the stress away. That's your job.
So I find myself in a weird place today. I teach 3rd grade, and in my state it's a retention year if students fail the state mandated tests. My son is also in 3rd grade. The scores came in this morning, and I'm so proud of my son. He got the highest score on both the reading and the math, but the reading score was PERFECT! I kind of want to tell H, but I don't know. He doesn't understand that our son can't know his score yet but I'm so flipping proud of him! I just told him he did really well but I can't tell him his score. What do you guys think? I also need to get ahold of him today to have him book the place for the birthday party. He said he'd come if it were just us and son's friends, no family members of my friends.
Ha ha, he's the one who cheated, yet he's the one issuing guidelines on the functions that he will/will not attend. He needs to grow up.
I'm not talking about his report card. I'm talking about your attitude that keeps you from parenting as a team. Your son isn't old enough to brave this battlefield on his own and figure out when and where and how to talk to each of you to keep the stress away. That's your job.
No, I think you've misunderstood. I don't have an attitude that keeps us from coparenting. Not at all. I don't expect my son to brave a battlefield in the least. I'm not sending him to relay messages or anything of the sort. He feels comfortable talking to me, but not dad. That isn't something I can fix. Only he can fix that by stepping up and being a parent and talking to his son. My son knows that he can talk to me whenever and however he wants, we have a very healthy relationship. He actually got upset with me because he didn't like being told what to do so he wrote me a letter saying he was trying not to be mad but he couldn't help it. And he had his sister bring it to me, lol. It's the relationship between him and his father that is at stake, and that has nothing to do with me. I don't hinder it at all, but I'm not going to break my son's trust and relay everything my son says.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyGriffinFan
Ha ha, he's the one who cheated, yet he's the one issuing guidelines on the functions that he will/will not attend. He needs to grow up.
I know. He sat there the other night and was like, "I'll chip in for a party for him, but I won't attend. I refuse to be the black sheep in the corner." And I replied, "That's your fault. You're the one who alienated yourself." I told him my best friend was coming and he said "that's fine." He's going to have to get over it at some point, but the truth is a hard thing to face.
Is he still adamant that he wants the D? Posted via Mobile Device
He actually hasn't mentioned one word about divorce, mediation, lawyers, or anything since we had that blow up on April 20th. But yeah it's a given that he's done. He's the kind of guy who doesn't go back on his decisions. Plus he's walking around with a freaking key to her heart on his necklace, haha.
He actually hasn't mentioned one word about divorce, mediation, lawyers, or anything since we had that blow up on April 20th. But yeah it's a given that he's done. He's the kind of guy who doesn't go back on his decisions. Plus he's walking around with a freaking key to her heart on his necklace, haha.
I am adamant that I want the divorce!
What a high school kinda thing to do. I did that my freshman year too. Maybe he dedicates songs on the radio to the Vegas skank or sends candy grams to her classroom.
What a high school kinda thing to do. I did that my freshman year too. Maybe he dedicates songs on the radio to the Vegas skank or sends candy grams to her classroom.
Haha, absolutely they are living in the past. Thing is, I would have bet a million dollars the old H would never do something so childish as to wear a key on his chain. He was even playing with it yesterday when he dropped the kids off. I was so tempted to say "Nice key, what happened to the cross? Was it burning a hole in your flesh from the sheer irony?" I didn't.
He's being kind of weird with me. He's relaxed more around me and comfortable, joking, smiling, looking me in the eyes. Weird. I did end up telling him just that our son did really good on his state test and he wanted to know how well and I said he'll have to wait and see. Then I looked at my son and said, "At least you got mommy's brains" and then H laughed and then playfully put up his middle finger. WTH? Now he can joke? Maybe it makes HIM feel better. It is a lot easier when he acts like a jerk, though.
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