keep your head, i can sympathise where depression is concerned.
I would take your time with this letter/email, don't try to rush it. Even if it takes you another 2 or 3 days to put it together and you carry on tearing your hair out at the situation.
One thing to keep in your mind, is that whatever you send, may have big outcomes to it (similarly it may do nothing, as depression will certainly make half the letter not sink in).
By all means, take little snip bits from a number of sites, prepare it like a resume, read over it, and certainly pop it on here before sending it.
But I will say again (Not wanting to sound i'm getting on at you), but your temporarilly (hopefully) seperated, but it seems you are both in contact more or less constantly, and neither of you can think about things whilst the amount of contact you haev is ongoing.
Its hard, very hard, but he is still giving you signs that he doesn't want out completely (Take comfort in that).
Depression is in some cases, worse than an affair, because with an affair you can make sense of it all, with depression, its hit and miss constantly.
Just remember, take care of YOU and KIDS. If your husband starts to give you more "feelings" like the other day, don't try and put words in his head or reason with him in terms of WHY he is like that. Just listen, and tell him that you appreciate his honesty and trying to open up, and offer to help him in ways that HE FEELS would help him (This will get him thinking about you in terms of offering help, and may also get him to think of ways for you to help). Kinf of puts some of it in his court, but with a sense of "she wants to help".
I don't feel you are down a one way street yet, but I will be honest, if you don't play things right, you will amplify it beyond repair (for him anyway).
Keep your Chin up, and try to put your happiness first for a change
Thanks, Neil. I know everything I do or don't do right now matters big time. We are in constant contact, but pretty much at his initiation. I may text once in awhile, but for the most part it is him. And I don't truly know if he is calling for ME, or if it's the kids, or if he's using the kids as an excuse to talk to me. I just don't know. Last night he called when leaving work to "check in", but then wanted to get off the phone. But then about 10 minutes later he called me back and we small talked. It was weird. Then when he called to say goodnight to the kids he was pretty brief with me. Said goodnight, I said goodnight, then I didn't hang up and he didn't either, and he said "love you". Very awkward.
Do you think I should tell him we need no contact for a period of time? I just fear that he will see this as me not wanting him. And I think that, hopefully, these neutral interactions will help him feel that we can communicate. The talks are not about us at all, since Monday's blow up. It's more or less how friends would talk. I'm afraid to cut him off and leave him to his thoughts. His 5 days away like that ended up tragic. He convinces himself that I am better off without him and fixates on the negative. He told me a few weeks ago that he'll be set in this mindframe, and then the next minute he needs to hear my voice. He truly doesn't understand what's happening with him. The link to that article really opened my eyes and helped me understand. I just don't know if it would really register with him in this state.
I will work on that letter and bring it by for a proofread. Will probably be tomorrow since I'm off. And then we are both off the next day but he'll have the kids, and if he wanted to talk, we could. I really feel like I understand more than I did, and for that I'm thankful. I am just so fearful that I've already pushed him too far away.
Do you think I should tell him we need no contact for a period of time? I just fear that he will see this as me not wanting him.
I kinda agree with you here, I wouldn't say this myself, as he still contacts you to hear you, just keep in the back of your mind, Don't push.
I just think in a depressed state, if you said that you validate everything he thinks of himself. (my belief anyway). If he goes off on one at any point, then suggest it. But only suggest it if you can pull it off.
I know it doesn't do you any good, but if he knows you want to support him through this, in the long run he will thank you for it. But what that doesn't mean is to turn it back round and initiate contact.
I feel at the moment, all you can work on is trying to build yourself back up, but at the same time, be their if he needs it.
Keep the conversations about fun times, absolutely avoid negatives, and if the conversation warrents it and you can compare something he says to a fun time you have had as a family (and say it happily and meaningful, saying it sad will just have him thinking your hurting, and again validating his feelings).
One for the future...
If you can stay positive, and have a few days/couple of weeks of positive interation without negativity, drop one in about doing something with the kids, and invite him along. A fun day in the park for instance. Nothing will connect you both more than positive experiences especially around the kids.
At the moment its all about controlling your emotions, and showing him that life can be positive. Once he sees that he may eventually see that one day, you can put all this behind you all.
I just read this thread and I have to tell you that you need to seriously work on your need to win. Up until the very last conversation you posted, every single conversation you had with him ended up with him having to defend himself. YOU put him in that position. YOU are nagging at him, you are constantly telling him what he does wrong. Of course he's depressed - nothing he does is ever good enough.
Have you read the material at marriagebuilders.com? It talks about Emotional Needs and Love Busters. All those conversations you posted? Love Busters. Big time. Every time you LB your husband, you poke another hole in his 'love bucket.' You may try to fill some of his ENs into the bucket, but you've poked so many holes in it that every EN you meet just flows right back out of all those holes. There's no way you could ever make him happy enough, until you stop all the LBing.
One of men's usually top ENs is admiration; for women, not so much. Men need to feel good; they need to know their wife admires them. Every time you belittle him, you have just told him you don't admire him. Over time, he KNOWS you don't admire him, because all you ever do is criticize, pick fights, try to make him apologize to you or admit he's wrong. Who wants to be in that environment?
Your IC is right: My therapist is wanting me to focus on being a better listener and not stating my side...biting my lip. Validate his feelings and show i understand.
This is ALL you should be concentrating on now, for the next 2 or 3 months. He does not feel safe around you. You have replaced his mom as the woman who punishes him. He can't feel love for you right now, because all he feels is bad.
If you can go 2 or 3 months without dragging him into one of those conversations like you posted, you MAY have a chance, you MAY make him feel safe enough to be around you.
That is what i did with my husband .i do believe he had mild depression and self esteem issues also he had a lot of stress from work at that time.
He did go to a psychiatrist and had a few sessions. He had problems with lying and all of our problems came from there...BUT i stopped fighting with him that his lies caused me to act the way i did.I took different approach ,recognized that he didn't do it intentionally to hurt me all the time,i really did look from another angle and understood the situation.told him that ,offered to help him ,told him that we will fight this together ,that i'll be understanding and will support him . I stopped the blame game 2 months before he came to his senses.He opened up and started telling me things,i did not react to them at all...he obviously saw a change in me as well.
But the biggest thing is that I did validate his feelings ,I think this is very important!!!
You know your H. better you have to know a way to talk to him and tell him exactly that ...that you will be there for him, that you will support him and you will get through this together and be stronger than ever.
__________________ H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 . April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair May 11 the day he asked for divorce June28th divorce papers were served to me
I feel at the moment, all you can work on is trying to build yourself back up, but at the same time, be their if he needs it.
Keep the conversations about fun times, absolutely avoid negatives, and if the conversation warrents it and you can compare something he says to a fun time you have had as a family (and say it happily and meaningful, saying it sad will just have him thinking your hurting, and again validating his feelings).
Thanks, Neil, your thinking is along the same line as mine. As much as he'll let me be around him, I'll make it fun and pleasant. He's here now, and he's been joking a little. I was a little short on the phone because he started in on me about not calling him today to arrange for him to come over tonight.
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
I just read this thread and I have to tell you that you need to seriously work on your need to win. Up until the very last conversation you posted, every single conversation you had with him ended up with him having to defend himself. YOU put him in that position. YOU are nagging at him, you are constantly telling him what he does wrong. Of course he's depressed - nothing he does is ever good enough.
Wow, that was harsh. Not sure how you can decide that I'm nagging and telling him what he does wrong and that I made him depressed. I really don't think I'm that bad of a wife, actually. I've admitted that I need to work on validating his thoughts and feelings before sharing my own. I don't have a need to win, I have a strong desire to save my marriage. It's not about winning arguments, it's about seeing the positives. I guess I don't see what I say or how I say something that makes him defend himself. Would love for the specifics to be pointed out to me. Help me out here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vivea
But the biggest thing is that I did validate his feelings ,I think this is very important!!!
You know your H. better you have to know a way to talk to him and tell him exactly that ...that you will be there for him, that you will support him and you will get through this together and be stronger than ever.
Our H's sound very similar! VERY! I will work very hard on this, and hopefully he'll let me in enough that he notices it and gets help. I hold out some hope.
Ok, wow, I messed up. Last night was bad. We had discussed, before separating, him coming on Friday nights to hang with the kids while I go out. My mom was in town so I was going to go out with her and he wasn't comfortable being around her. He came over after work, starts helping with chores. Then when I say my mom's on the way he suddenly needs to go to the pet store and doesn't take the kids. I call him while there and he's talking to someone on the other line. He tells me he was talking to his mom. But it was weird, because the kids love to go to the petstore.
Anyhow, I go out with my mom and he's all asking what time I'll be home. He starts getting huffy with me at 10, and I say I'll be home around 11. Well, we head to the house at 11:30, and his motorcycle is on the sidewalk ready to go. I drop my mom down the street and take her car. She walks up and he asks where I am, and she just says she went for a ride. So he leaves the house, and I'm on the way to his parent's house where he's supposed to stay. You'd think he'd be worried about me and if I was okay, but no. I call him at 11:50pm and he's on the phone ALREADY. So, I lose it and I call the ex gf that I suspect an EA with. I let it ring twice then hang up. He then tries to call me twice. I don't answer.
I go to his parents and sit in the driveway. He pulls up and gets out all angry. He says, "Nice of you to answer when I call. I want to know why I'm driving along talking to bff, and then I have a missed call and it's you. I call, you don't answer. Then I get a phone call from someone saying they got a call from a number with our area code and it's mine. He says he's disgusted and embarrassed that I called her and he can't believe it. He had to try to explain to someone why his wife was calling. He was so mad and yelling at me, I just said I wanted to just listen to him and let him talk. I stayed cool, and he was madder than I've ever seen. But why so mad? Because he's caught? I just don't understand. I wanted to call Nick to see if he was really talking to him, but I feel like I already know the answer. He's used him as an alibi before. H accused me of stealing his phone and getting her number out of it. I told him I got it off facebook. He told me that was crap. He also yelled that he thought we were having a cool off period but I couldn't even give him that, and then I replied that he hadn't given me a cool off period. He asked why and I said he's been calling and stuff. I got in the car to just leave, and he tried to open the passenger door so I opened it and he said, "Just so you know, I'm going to see an attorney on Thursday to figure things out!"
I didn't cry. But I bawled my eyes out on the way home. I regretted doing that. He said he didn't care that I drove there, but the whole calling her thing bothered him more than me friend requesting her on facebook. I just feel like, why is he so damn mad if there's nothing to hide? And when I said I thought he was talking to her, you'd think he'd show me his phone to prove he wasn't. I need a voice activated recorder in his truck to catch him, because he's never going to confess. And there's a slight possibility that this is just depression, but so many things don't add up. When I'm with my mom she always convinces me he's cheating. She says he says all the things she said as a cheater when trying to justify her actions.
I also see the other side of it, if he isn't cheating and he's constantly being accused of it. I know I've messed up big time. Largest backslide EVER. I apologize now. I should have called my friend and let her talk me down. I knew it was wrong, but I had that pit of my stomach feeling and lost control. I'm working on a long letter now, sort of like a consequence letter requesting no contact for 2 weeks. I'm still torn on whether to go no contact or not, but it's best I think for me. He called me crazy. I know it was crazy, and I told him I was sorry and he was right last night. Haven't heard from him since.
I think getting a recorder in his truck would be good. You are never going to get the truth from him. At least this way you will know - get one ASAP.
I hate to harp on the affair thing, but I never imagined my H would do what he is doing. He has turned our family upside down & justifies it by saying he is doing what he wants, then turns around and calls me the selfish one. Lot of similarities between how my H acts & yours.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
I know gals. Am I absolutely insane for what I did? I feel like a big idiot. But then again I don't think his response was right. I mean, if the ex had a call from a number she didn't know, and it was the same area code as my H, and they are just friends, why didn't she answer it? Or just call it back? Why did she call him? I really don't believe it. I think he was talking to her. I messaged his best friend, the one he claimed to be talking to, and told him to call me. But he hasn't. He probably knows something. I mean, if I was saying I thought he was on the phone with her, why didn't he just hand his phone over to me and prove it? Not that I asked, but geez, if you are telling the truth and you can prove it, why not?
Here's my thing, though. If he is doing something I wouldn't approve of, then I don't want him. If it turns out that he's strung me along and made me feel crazy and I've been right all along, then he can go F&ck himself. I'm better than that.
I guess I will post this here so you guys can see the letter I sent him. It's L.O.N.G. I just ran to his work and put it in his front seat. He probably read it about an hour ago.
Dear H,
This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for her husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart. It is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage. You know I love you and adore you with all of my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other, and for 10 wonderful years it was enough.
I know we’ve had problems. You have told me that you never felt good enough, that you never really felt like you made me happy. You’ve mentioned feeling like you weren’t my number one priority and that you’ve taken a backseat. You did not like that I did not fully trust you after the emotional affair, and that my insecurity drives you away. I’ve also realized that I haven’t really been listening to you, so you haven’t felt “heard”. I need to be more patient, and work on not trying to control each and every situation. I cannot change the past, but I have learnt from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. I want you to know I have changed, and I am continuing to do so while improving myself. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but everyday I strive to be the best person I can be.
I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee it will last 50 years or 5 years, but I know that when we try, together we do well. I am ready, not to just live together but to work wholeheartedly on our marriage. We need help, we need counseling but it takes two of us, I cannot do it alone. We are both hurting over this turmoil and uncertainty. We both want a resolution. I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can begin to slowly rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and start to become a family again, for our sake and our children's. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said "I do". I'm not naive; I know there's been a lot of damage done. We’d likely need the help in learning better ways to communicate and meet each other's emotional needs.
You have told me you need more time and that you are very confused. You’ve told me that you feel like you’re worn down, and defeated. I feel so much for you as I know this is very difficult. You are at a crossroads in your life and feel that today's decision will affect the rest of your life. Some decisions are tough and are scary, but no one said life would be breezy, it’s supposed to be hard and painful. Then the easy times are even more delightful. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life. I wish I could help you with this, but this is yours to deal with. I just want you know I am here to listen if you need to talk.
I also understand things a lot more, but I haven’t had the chance to share this revelation. You have been telling me lots of things, but I have finally realized that I haven’t listened. I am very sorry that you feel like nothing you do is right as far as I am concerned. I regret that I have contradicted my own requests. I know you love me and care about me; I’ve never doubted that, but I can understand how you see it that I do doubt you. I want to tell you that you ARE good enough, but understandably you have a hard time accepting that, as you feel that I’m constantly belittling you. You feel like I have these expectations that you can’t meet. I am really sorry that I make you feel that way. When you’ve attempted to open up and explain yourself, I have attempted to “correct” your thinking by injecting my viewpoint and putting my spin on things. You have perceived this as me saying you are wrong. I apologize for this, and how it made you feel like you had to defend your thoughts and feelings. I’m only realizing this now, and it makes sense. I understand why you end up frustrated and resolve to not communicate. I get it now. I do. You see yourself as a failure, and me arguing with that only reinforces it. You are an individual, entitled to your own thoughts and feelings. They are not wrong. You feel like I tell you why you do the things you do. I come off like I know more about why and what you are thinking than you do. I am wrong for that. The truth is, I don’t know. All along I’ve thought that I was a good communicator, and the problem is that I don’t listen to you and validate your thoughts and feelings. This is something I am working on being better at. I hate that you feel like you have to defend everything, but I know it’s because I defend my viewpoint. It’s only human.
I don’t disagree with how you handle things and I respect that that’s how you deal. This is one area where we are just very different. At the surface, we are both conflict avoiders. But this adversity has brought out some other sides of each of us. While I’m the eternal optimist, you are more reserved. While I am more action-oriented, you are more hesitant and prefer to sit back and wait. These are not flaws that mean the end of a relationship. They are just things that have hindered us communicating with and understanding each other. You are not a quitter, and your reservations are justified. And my continued pushing has caused you to feel like quitting is your only option for happiness. I sincerely regret pushing you. And for this, I am deeply disappointed in myself. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to not feel listened to, and to feel like everything you do or say is taken wrong. I get why you feel like it’s easier to communicate via text or online, because there’s less of me interrupting you and telling you are wrong. I finally understand. I just pray that it’s not too late, and you give me the opportunity to be a better listener.
After reading an article, I can identify with a lot of what you’ve said and felt. The article was about how depression can take a toll on one’s mind and life. I really never understood depression on that level, and I ‘m attaching it if you’d like to read it. Basically, stress builds up, and the seratonin your brain uses to deal with stress comes in short supply after awhile. When this happens, you are unable to deal with the stress, and your mind begins dumping. They call it the garbage truck pulling up and dumping loads and loads of pessimism and hopelessness on you. I am not qualified to diagnose you with depression, so I cannot say for sure that’s what is happening with you. I’ve urged you to get help, and have given you the benefit of the doubt on several occasions. The problem is, you will not seek help for yourself. And you are the only one that can do so. Maybe all of this stems from the depression. Maybe all of this has pushed you into depression. It’s hard to tell. But in the end, someone can only be helped if they want to be helped. I am here for you to listen to what you have to say without judging, and to support you in any way I can. You have communicated several reasons for not wanting to seek help. I respect those reasons. The fears and reservations you have are understandable. However, your actions are uncharacteristic of you and this concerns me. This is not to say that you aren’t the same person, just that you are not acting like YOU.
I can be honest and tell you that while I understand the things that have gone wrong, and I can reflect on my part in this, there is one thing that seems to be a major holding point for you. You feel like the mistake you made four years ago has and is being used against you. You feel that you shattered my trust then, and it can never be rebuilt. You’ve acknowledged points I’ve made about this being a cycle, but we have not been able to break this cycle. It has continued to cause issues for us. I grew a lot a month ago when I finally let go of the past. I HAVE gotten over it, though there is pain associated with it. I wish you could understand that my current pain and trust issues are not based on your past actions, they are based on your present actions. I have to let you know, with 100% honesty my feelings on this. Take it as you will. I WANT to trust you so badly. I want to have faith in you and be able to believe everything that comes out of your mouth. I really do. And in the past, you’ve been willing to do what needs to be done to ensure that I don’t feel uncomfortable and insecure, maybe to a point of sacrificing yourself. That is not entirely fair to you. There is a fair amount of give and take required in this aspect of a relationship.
In my heart, I feel like you are not being emotionally or physically unfaithful to me. But my mind tells me that at least the temptation is there. I could very well be pushing you away by my words and actions. I realize this. But I could also be totally wrong, and this is what makes this so difficult. However, despite my protests and reservations, you have chosen to continue a friendship with this one specific person. Obviously, I do not condone, or like, your friendship with her for various reasons. The top one being that it makes me uncomfortable based on deceit. You like to blame this situation on your past actions, and I understand how you feel that you shouldn’t have to prove yourself because you are doing nothing wrong. And I certainly hope that is the case. And it breaks my heart if there is really nothing to this and it has been the catalyst for a lot of this rift. Maybe I’m being too sensitive when I feel like you are choosing her over me and my feelings. But maybe you are really just fed up of me not trusting you. I hate to think that my insecurity and mistrust have driven us to this point. Of course, in the end, you make the decisions about who you will and will not be friends with. You are the only person who can make choices for you.
The past four months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I think of the gains we made, and how great it felt to be emotionally close to you again. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I’ve endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I’m pulling back, except regarding the children and finances. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left. The pain and emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I end up overanalyzing everything you do or say, to the point where I drive myself crazy and end up doing and saying things I regret out of desperation. My only saving grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find that slowly slipping away as well. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for everyone. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply—me taking a step back. I know that I risk loosing you forever, but I cannot continue to spend time with you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.
I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. I love you and you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I loved you before we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I do not know what the future holds for us. When I said I DO, I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life. Through better or worse. I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. I want to be your wife in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you and be your best friend. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good, and see the hope. I look at our wedding picture, and I remember the dreams and the hopes we shared. I still believe those dreams are possible. I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With this, our true healing can begin.
lonely...You made me cry too .You've said it so good. I've sent an email to my H.. before with pretty much the same things ,your wording is way better but I pretty much say the same.
Don't know if the email/s helped but it's not going to hurt anything.
Fingers crossed for you honey,I hope he comes to his senses.
Hang in there!
__________________ H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 . April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair May 11 the day he asked for divorce June28th divorce papers were served to me
Lonely, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just sharing what I know it looks like from HIS side. Here's what you've said:
I then said, "are you ever going to talk to me?" and he got all defensive. I feel like I keep messing up, but at the same time I want answers.
Thought you were going to call and tell them goodnite.
That's not exactly what I asked and I'm not expecting some big relationship talk. We haven't really discussed so why are you so drained?
do you feel like this time apart is helping you deal? Or is it avoidance?
one of the things that has bothered him is that I don't trust him, he always feels like he isn't good enough, and no matter what he does I question his love for me.
After we hung up, I texted him "really?" and he replied, "what did I do?" and I said "you are so emotionless in your interactions and it's hard to see that you love me. There's nothing positive about anything you say or do"
I then replied, "It's hard to see it. If you love me, get help.
I broke. I said, "Don't you even want to hug me, you haven't seen me for almost 2 weeks" and he says "I do want to hug you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable or feel awkward." and then I just walked out. He yelled after me that he would give me a hug and I just said, "have a nice day" and kept going.
I did expect him to come in and hug me.’
sent me like 12 texts full of his feelings. It's all about how he doesn't feel good enough, nothing he says or does is right, he can't be the person he was or I want him to be, etc. I told him I would talk but I'm at work now. He says he's expressing himself that way.
He thinks he's never good enough and that that situation is what caused this one. I point out that his current actions are what caused us to be here.
He's talking about the fact that I yelled at him for floating a month ago because he couldn't say whether he was committing or not.
He said: You keep telling me you have to focus on you yet you don't. I fell like i am not good enough for you, i will never measure up to this person you saw me as or want me to be, and i have accepted that. It takes a lot to accept failur. You can call it self fulfilling prophecy, tell me how wrong i am, point out every single thing i do and why, it doesn't change the situation. you can pointe out all the things i don't do, the way that i continue to not conform to what you think or follow your plan, all the things i don't do, it all reinforces what i have already come to accept. i failed at my marriage, i no longer meet ur needs. i'm sorry i feel that way because my feelings are another thing that you disagree with and you point that out to me too. The thing is, i even feel like i fail at my feelings cuz those are wrong in ur eyes too. i have come to this point where communicating is harder than not, because at least when i don't, i don't feel like i have to defend the way i feel. It sux to have to defend myself or the way i feel at any given moment, even when i say i love you, i have to defend that too. i don't know what to say anymore.
it seems like you have a lot to say. But i am at work and this isn't a good time.
stop attacking me. u have your version and i have mine but you're busy judging. Avoidance is not communicating or facing issues. Not time is ever right. Just understand.
Here we go with that.
wtf? nice of u to tell me this via text. i appreciate ur honesty. one day you will realize how much i love u, the hurt u caused, and what u threw away.
Last night we got into it on the phone.
Part of his issue is that I question that love because I don't feel his actions match his words
He does say some crazy things when he gets in his defensive mode, and they are hard to forget. But I'm sure I do the same to him.
My job for the next few weeks is to just listen and not make any points or defend anything. I know it's just pushing him away, so I have to do the exact opposite.
He doesn't feel like I listen to him, and he feels like I tell him he's wrong for feeling or thinking the way he does. It stresses him out.
I'm going to validate his feelings and encourage him to read the link in two separate interactions.
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Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..." 
I know it was crazy, and I told him I was sorry and he was right last night. Haven't heard from him since.
