Jellybeans

Glad to see you are doing well, Lonely Hooray for the extra $620 and you sound awesome

LonelyNLost

Thanks, I truly feel blessed to be in such a happy place. Thinking back, I never thought I'd be so okay with it all. Must be the awesome support I got here and from family and friends!

I'm praying too! Thanks so much. Still hasn't said anything, though, so not sure what he's thinking.

Love you too, girl!

Thanks, jelly. I am in a really great place. The money helped, too. Just not sure how I should proceed since he hasn't mentioned the papers and I really don't want to have to file contested. I think I'm going to email him and just ask if he got them and tell him I'd like to sit down and discuss when we had a chance. What do you think?

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Jellybeans

Well, was he served? If he was, then he got them.

He has a certain deadline to meet, right? So if he doesn't respond, proceed the same way your lawyer said would happen.

If he doesn't sign, the judge will sign for him.

turnera

I kind of question your intent in asking for a meeting. You're not his friend any more, and it's not your place to smooth things over for him, if that's what you're thinking you should do. He's a grown up. Just do what your lawyer tells you to do.

52flower

I agree. You should check with your lawyer before contacting him. In my state, if the spouse does not respond within the time allotted, you can file under "default". This means the spouse relinquished rights to be an equal part of the divorce process and the judge can sign off without his/her participation.

turnera

I just don't see any benefit to YOU for engaging with him. IMO, it's just your old reflexes kicking in. Gotta move past that, ok?

LonelyNLost

Well what was sent was a Marital Settlement Agreement, in order to settle things outside of court before the filing was done. So the divorce isn't actually filed, that happens in two weeks, the time frame we gave him in the letter. Nothing court sanctioned, so to speak, just my attorney letting him know my intent. He is not acknowledging to me that he got the papers, even though we know he has to have gotten them by now.

What I want is for us to discuss and come to an agreement on things, like grown ups. We've been relating cordially, he's just withdrawn a bit since he got the paperwork. Not sure if it's buyer's remorse or what. Anyhow, if he doesn't acknowledge them or sign them and send them in, then we are at stalemate. If I go ahead and file then we are contested. That means I can't afford my attorney any longer as the rate plan I get becomes considerably more expensive.

Just wish I knew what the hell he was thinking about it all. What does he agree with? What does he disagree with? I feel like I need to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In order for the settlement agreement to be signed and entered into the courts and filed as an uncontested divorce, we have to agree. And we can't agree if we don't even communicate. Hmm. I hate this part. Want it over with!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

ClipClop

You have a lawyer for a reason. You are doing the same thing now that you did before he left... trying to control a situation over which you have no control. If you want to deal with this like adults, control yourself and let him respond as he will in his own time.
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Jellybeans

Clip is right.

Wait til the time is up on his deadline and if he hasn't responded, proceed with doing what your lawyer stated in the even he doesn't get back to you about it.

Hopefully he'll respond and not file divorce first.

golfergirl

If you appear too eager, you lose all bargaining power.
Let deadline pass at least.
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LonelyNLost

Wait, did you guys not read what I wrote? IF I LET IT PROCEED AS MY LAWYER SAID I CAN'T AFFORD HER. Then I'm up sh!t creek without a paddle. This is not me "Trying to control a situation I can't control" this is me trying to communicate with my stbx in order to come to an agreement. I will not let him know I'm in a hurry because I know I'd lose control. I'm actually going to be out of town from Wed-Mon, so it will be almost 2 weeks by the time we'd be able to talk.

This is not me engaging him. This IS handling it like adults, coming up with an agreement so I can file. Our relationship is not hostile at all, it's very businesslike, if not him trying to engage me in friendly talk. Guess it's hard for you guys to truly see where I am and the fact that I've let go and wouldn't take him back for a million dollars doesn't come through a message board thread. But I see him more than enough and I hate it.

I need to talk to him in order to come to an agreement. And in person makes it easier to bargain and agree on things without a 3rd party interfering. I do have a lawyer, but the lawyer isn't the one that's going to talk to him and get him to agree to things. The divorce needs to be agreed upon and everything worked out for it to be UNcontested. Now, if he files, he'd be filling it all out on his own, and I'm not sure how that'd work. But right now, communication is going to happen, and we can sit down and do it cordially on our own for free, or we can sit in a mediator and pay $250 an hour. Which would you choose?

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

anx

Lol, I like your new signature. It's crappy that things are so tight money wise and he waits for you to file and then again waits. I hope this works out for you.

KathyGriffinFan

I can't quite remember, but, was he giving you money? Has he continued to give you money? I seem to recall that he stopped direct depositing his paycheck into your joint account and said he needed to get caught up in his bills before he could give you a few hundred a month. Perhaps I'm mistaken.

I don't think that their responses indicate that they fail to see how you've progressed. It's simply that we all want to see you get the best out this crappy situation.

golfergirl

Exactly! Remember he doesn't have the money to file contested either. If you 'bluff' by being cool, he thinks you begged borrowed or stole money to go ahead regardless. He wants this so he can carry forward with his idiot probably more than you want it to be free. He has a deadline - let HIM come to you regardless. If you approach him, you're too eager. Too eager loses your strength in your position. If 'contested' can you represent yourself? In cases like child support and splitting debt and assets, it's not like there's a lot of ways to go other than table amount for support and 50/50 for assets. Precident has been set for custody and doesn't sound like he's concerned about that anymore. I know you've come for - for God's sake - play it cool!
You waited out the 3 months it took this idiot lawyer to finally get to you, what's another few weeks.
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LonelyNLost

UPDATE...He called to discuss the paperwork from my attorney...

Okay, so last night he called to have the conversation regarding the divorce. It was long, 2 1/2 hours, tried to keep it as unemotional as possible but got some jabs in and we argued about things not related to the divorce. Sort of a tamed version of the discussion we had back in April when we discussed that fact that we weren't going to be married before.

Basically he was upset that I got lawyers involved and didn't tell him, and that this meant he had to get an attorney and it was going to be expensive and he didn't know how far I was going to take it. I think it scared him ****less because he felt attacked. As he should. But he also said he felt glad that I was moving things forward. He freaked the most about the morality clauses, tbh. Went on and on about how ridiculous they were, and basically admitted that Vegas Skank is moving here very soon and it's all squared away. I told him that my paperwork is a starting point and that we work from there to negotiate.

He did say he HAD to go to an attorney last Thursday which is why he skipped his visitation with the kids, in order to file a response. He at first made it sound like he retained an attorney for the process, but then admitted he only paid one $500 to file the response. He kept alluding to not understanding how I afforded the attorney or other things like road trips I've been taking.

He is not okay with the child support as I knew he wouldn't be and said that his current visitation is unfair. He said he deserves more time with them, and even though he keeps them for 4 hours one night a week, it doesn't count unless they spend the night. (See he got poor legal advise when he went way back when. Because my attorney advised me of this and how it affects support.) He is also saying that the schedule we agreed upon in writing was only for the separation, not the long term. So I have yet to see the response, but apparently he is asking for two overnights during the week in addition to his every other weekend. He said no way can he afford the amount I want, but he doesn't want to screw me. He told his attorney he'd be willing to do 50/50 custody and pay me $500 a month spousal support even. I knew this would happen, and I don't exactly know how to even fight it. I tried telling him that if he doesn't pay me the larger amount, I can't afford to live here, and I'd have to move 3 hours away with my parents, and he'd end up paying the larger amount anyway. But he said I couldn't move from this county, and blah blah blah. He made it sound like he would fight this issue to the death.

The financial stuff for him as far as splitting liabilities seems to be the least of the issues. Even went as far as to say that if he did everything as said in the agreement that he'd only have $200 a month to live on. I then informed him that if I did everything as he is suggesting I'd have a deficit of $1,800 per month BEFORE his child support. He scoffed at that. He really didn't want to take one of the equity loans, but sounds like I can use it as a bargaining chip. And when I mentioned bankruptcy he said he'd like me to look into it and share some info. We got into how part of his student loans were used for our house, and he tried to say the equity loan should be mine since I live in the house, but I told him that it consolidated prior debts of ours so not entirely true. He got petty with saying his grandmother's inheritance paid for our furniture and he left it here, but in his response he asked for a TV. I said, "Maybe your girlfriend has a nice TV." He wants the grill back and he said some other things. So can't wait to see that.

I know I don't have to give into all his demands, but we will see. I did say several times, that I just wanted out of this, I had set a personal goal of Jan. 1st, he agreed, and I explained the process of divorce since he seemed clueless. He stayed civil even when I hit below the belt. I reiterated that he decided to cheat on his wife and leave and it was time to deal with the consequences. He denied denied denied everything, but refused to go much into it. So we ended by him saying that if we could sit down and try to work this out in a non-legal neutral setting we was willing to negotiate. Looks like I'll try to get in with my attorney early next week when I get back into town, and then I'll meet with him afterwards. Hoping we can come to an agreement, I let my attorney know the changes, and then she sends him another agreement. If he signs, we file. And he did agree to pay half the filing fee. I let him know that we were looking at 3 months at least from the time we file to the court date, and he argued about where we had to file, which is just ignorant. But it is whatever.

So now I know this is going to be a pain in the arse and not fun. But at least the ball is rolling. He definitely doesn't want it to go all legal and kept feeling me out to see if he needed to actually retain a lawyer. I told him we could both go with mine and he kept saying we could have went to a mediator and left lawyers out completely and I said that would have been dumb on my part. He acted like he's brought the issue of divorce up on many occasions and even insinuated that he'd asked for the kids on occasion and I didn't let him have them which is BS. I had to call him out a few times. He's mad because apparently when Skankzilla was creeping me on the internet she did goodle searches and found them both on cheaterville.com. Oops. He also said that they traced a call and message she got on her phone where someone disguised their voice and called her a homewrecker and a *****, and it came from my hometown at 3am. Uh, I assure you that wasn't me. I'd totally admit to that.

Life's about to get a little more interesting. Sigh. So next week we'll know a lot more. I do feel like maybe in person just him and I we can hash some details out. We'll see.


I understand everyone is well meaning, but I did feel a little attacked for wanting to resolve the situation and felt like I was being accused of trying to see him or something. Yes, you are right about the money. He gave me money the first month out, then it stopped and he didn't give me any. Now he's given me about $1000 since May 1st.

He thinks I had to have borrowed money. He said as much, and I got the exact feel you've mentioned. He came to me. I feel like a precedent has been set with visitation, but how can I fight him. I know he'd have to find a way to afford a lawyer because he'd fight me tooth and nail for the custody and support to be different. He knows it is based on the number of overnights. Assets and liabilities don't seem to be a problem. I guess we'll see what my lawyer says re the support and custody.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.