Thanks, guys. I cried when I read it to a friend. I don't know how he couldn't get tearful when reading it. I haven't heard from him except for a text at 8pm asking if I can please have our son call him. I had son call at 8:45, and they talked for a minute and then son said goodbye. I then hung up the phone. Yay me.
On another note, I broke down and called our neighbors behind us. They moved in back in November, and the guy is my husband's friend of 8 years. H has pretty much shut him out. See, 4 years ago with the EA, he was one of the people telling him he's an idiot. Not sure why H is shutting everyone out, I hear that happens with depression, but it also happens when you are guilty of something. I just texted them and asked if they were home, and the guy called me and asked if I was okay and then sent his wife over. We talked for hours, and they are totally on my side. Not that I want it to be sides, but they know something is up with him and they just kept telling me I've done nothing wrong. I felt like I needed someone to know about this that is pro "us". He's going to call H tomorrow and feel him out. Not that I'm counting in it to do anything, but hopefully he opens up.
Yes thats true. They do not want to be told what they have done/are doing is wrong.
So the head goes in the sand. So frustrating. especially when you know they will look back and wonder what the hell they did.
The thing is, if you don't address your own actions, his OW, if he has one, will continue to look like a better option. At least SHE doesn't tear him down all the time, argue with him, and make him feel bad.
If you read the material at marriagebuilders.com or at affaircare.com, you'll see that you should be uncovering the truth about the affair AND also working on yourself to make yourself the better option. MB calls it Plan A - you make YOU a welcoming option in every way except accepting the cheating. Eliminate your Love Busters - all that stuff I highlighted on the last page that you did, that is keeping him away from you, to protect himself.
The MB plan calls for getting proof of the affair, if there is one; doing a stellar Plan A, where you look great, smell great, keep the house warm and inviting when he comes, never LB him...show him the life you guys USED to have before you both started taking each other for granted, so he'll start thinking he misses that and wants to choose it. You do this for a certain time. If you find proof of the affair, you tell him you know and you want him to stop; if he refuses you expose the affair to his important people, hoping that they will convince him to stop. Then you wait. And keep up your Plan A. It also calls for getting a life; show him that you WILL have your own life if he leaves you - make friends, go out, have fun. Sometimes that's all it takes for a wayward to want to come home. (but in your case, I think it's going to take you removing your need to butt heads with him first, as you have acknowledged a couple times, as he doesn't feel safe or loved with you)
After a set time, if nothing happens, then you have to decide when to call it quits; if you go on too long waiting, you harm yourself psychologically. Eventually, if he doesn't come home, you'll have to move on and file for separation.
But that might not be necessary. The Plan A can be a powerful thing. I hope you try it.
The MB plan calls for getting proof of the affair, if there is one; doing a stellar Plan A, where you look great, smell great, keep the house warm and inviting when he comes, never LB him...show him the life you guys USED to have before you both started taking each other for granted, so he'll start thinking he misses that and wants to choose it. You do this for a certain time. If you find proof of the affair, you tell him you know and you want him to stop; if he refuses you expose the affair to his important people, hoping that they will convince him to stop. Then you wait. And keep up your Plan A. It also calls for getting a life; show him that you WILL have your own life if he leaves you - make friends, go out, have fun. Sometimes that's all it takes for a wayward to want to come home. (but in your case, I think it's going to take you removing your need to butt heads with him first, as you have acknowledged a couple times, as he doesn't feel safe or loved with you)
I've looked at it before, but it's so hard to figure out what exactly is happening here. While talking to our friends last night, the guy was laughing and saying that it sounds just like my H. And that he can see how it could be cheating or that he's depressed and acting uncharacteristically. BUT, he says 4 years ago when he had the EA, he gave him crap about it. And he seems to be shutting him out now. He just called me to say that my H said he'll call him tonight. Hopefully he does.
The weird thing out of all this (did you read my letter I sent him, it's on the previous page) is that I give him this heartfelt letter and acknowledge my wrongs, and he responds by deleting me and my family and friends off his facebook. I just don't get it.
I really don't know how to uncover the affair, if there is one. Because if it's what I suspect, the woman is in Las Vegas, and we are in Florida. They would only be talking on the phone or chatting online, and emailing. I'm locked out of all of those. My only option would be buying a voice activated recorder and trying to sneak it into his truck while he was at work. But even then, his truck is so loud, would it even pick anything up? And I'd have to sneak to get it back out of his truck. Really risky. This is just all mind blowing. What would he get out of a long distance phone relationship with his ex girlfriend? It would only be enough to pull him away from his family and then what? He isn't going to move there. I guess she could possibly move here when her divorce is final. Who knows. I have a hard time thinking his parents would just accept this.
Now, honest opinion. Do I change the locks on the house? Do I let him take his motorcycle? Do I separate finances? He hasn't contacted me at all. I don't think we're going to talk. I think this is all done. I can't see it blowing over. It is the darkest hour, and I know I'm not supposed to give up, but then again, I don't want to make any B!tch moves that make it easier for him to leave me completely. For whatever reason, me calling the ex gf the other night pissed him off to no end, even though I didn't talk to her. It doesn't make sense.
What would he get out of a long distance phone relationship with his ex girlfriend?
That's easy. She doesn't make him feel bad. They are in the 'dating' stage, where they are nice to each other. There's no kids to nag about, no trash to take out, no holding grudges, no telling him that he's hurting her...
She makes him feel good. So he goes looking for her on Facebook - to feel good.
You make him feel bad. So he avoids you.
That's what Plan A is for. To show him that you, too, can make him feel good.
Note that I'm not saying ignore his cheating, if he IS cheating. I'm saying you have a two-front approach to this. You have to give him a reason to come home. It sounds like right now, it's just too painful to come home - he doesn't trust you.
It is the darkest hour, and I know I'm not supposed to give up, but then again, I don't want to make any B!tch moves that make it easier for him to leave me completely. For whatever reason, me calling the ex gf the other night pissed him off to no end, even though I didn't talk to her. It doesn't make sense.
It makes perfect sense. You just proved to him that you are controlling, determined to get your way, and unwilling to see his side or believe him.
That's easy. She doesn't make him feel bad. They are in the 'dating' stage, where they are nice to each other. There's no kids to nag about, no trash to take out, no holding grudges, no telling him that he's hurting her...
She makes him feel good. So he goes looking for her on Facebook - to feel good.
You make him feel bad. So he avoids you.
That's what Plan A is for. To show him that you, too, can make him feel good.
Note that I'm not saying ignore his cheating, if he IS cheating. I'm saying you have a two-front approach to this. You have to give him a reason to come home. It sounds like right now, it's just too painful to come home - he doesn't trust you.
I can see that. It's enough of a relationship to pull him away from me, which contrary to what you believe, I am much easier on him that other wives. Every woman I've told about the whole situation can't believe how much self-control I have. I think it's too late for Plan A. This is a "if you love them set them free, and if they come back" type of a deal. However, with my H, once he sets his mind to something, it's done. The other night might have been his breaking point. So I'm going no contact for now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
It makes perfect sense. You just proved to him that you are controlling, determined to get your way, and unwilling to see his side or believe him.
I'm not sure how I was controlling and determined to get my way. What was controlling? Calling and letting the phone ring twice? He way overreacted, and it's because it scared him because he is busted. So he deflects and makes it about me being crazy. I've laid off. He might be done, but one day he'll look back and realize what a fool he was. He can't handle day to day stresses, he wants to go have "fun". But he won't put forth the effort to make the day interesting. He'll get what he deserves alright.
I can see that. It's enough of a relationship to pull him away from me, which contrary to what you believe, I am much easier on him that other wives. Every woman I've told about the whole situation can't believe how much self-control I have. I think it's too late for Plan A. This is a "if you love them set them free, and if they come back" type of a deal. However, with my H, once he sets his mind to something, it's done. The other night might have been his breaking point. So I'm going no contact for now.
I'm not sure how I was controlling and determined to get my way. What was controlling? Calling and letting the phone ring twice? He way overreacted, and it's because it scared him because he is busted. So he deflects and makes it about me being crazy. I've laid off. He might be done, but one day he'll look back and realize what a fool he was. He can't handle day to day stresses, he wants to go have "fun". But he won't put forth the effort to make the day interesting. He'll get what he deserves alright.
Any updates? Been thinking of you today wondering how you're holding up. Posted via Mobile Device
Any updates? Been thinking of you today wondering how you're holding up. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks, hun. Not much, except that he hasn't spoken to me since Friday night's debacle. I gave him that long letter yesterday by placing it in his truck. He responded to that by deleting me and my family and friends off his facebook. No word to me at all. He texted this morning asking what time he could get the kids, and I just sent them out the door. He dropped them off and left with his motorcycle as his mom brought him in her car. Our neighbor was trying to get him to talk but he probably won't because our son told him that I was talking to the neighbor yesterday.
I sat down and told our son today that mommy wants to work on the marriage and daddy doesn't. He was upset. I told him I wanted to be honest and if he wanted to ask questions he needed to. I also texted his mom and asked what the heck is going on and she just responded that she loved me no matter what. But she didn't say anything.
Thanks, hun. Not much, except that he hasn't spoken to me since Friday night's debacle. I gave him that long letter yesterday by placing it in his truck. He responded to that by deleting me and my family and friends off his facebook. No word to me at all. He texted this morning asking what time he could get the kids, and I just sent them out the door. He dropped them off and left with his motorcycle as his mom brought him in her car. Our neighbor was trying to get him to talk but he probably won't because our son told him that I was talking to the neighbor yesterday.
I sat down and told our son today that mommy wants to work on the marriage and daddy doesn't. He was upset. I told him I wanted to be honest and if he wanted to ask questions he needed to. I also texted his mom and asked what the heck is going on and she just responded that she loved me no matter what. But she didn't say anything.
I feel very sad for you. It's hard not knowing where you stand. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank, hun. I reached out to his best friend again yesterday online. He doesn't understand what is going on with H. He says he is acting out against something but won't tell him what. He said the defriending game on facebook is childish, and he won't do that to me. He went through for a third time and deleted anyone even remotely related to me. We still have some mutual friends, but they are friends of his. The only one that would maybe tell me anything is his best friend's sister. The best friend told me his whole family is ready to board a plane and go hang my H.
Wish me luck this week with no contact. I think I need to see a doctor and get something for my anxiety so I can sleep.
Hang in there girl. I got a book yesterday (local bookstore closing sale - got a bag of books for $30). ANyway I thought this was good & wanted to share with you:
Life changing events take place to awaken us to our potential. They happen so we can get an ever more refined sense of who we are. They take us from being the coal to being the diamond. When the events are challenging, its all the more important to to meet it head on. The more you try to run, the more it haunts you. Its an energy drain. Its exhausting.. That life changing stuff is there to show you what you are made of.
Lonely, I'm not criticizing you; I'm trying to show you what you look like from his side. You can't fix things if you don't understand what's going on with him. To him, he told you she wasn't the issue, just friends, blah blah, and you went kamikaze and started harassing her with phone calls. To him, that makes you look like a nutty obsessive wife.
If you wanted to address the cheating logically and calmly, you could have exposed the affair to OW's family in a 'I want to save my marriage' way, rather than calling her and hanging up. Do you see the difference?
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Re: Now what? "I love you and I always will..." 
What a jerk. I write him that letter and that's what he does. Real mature.
