jeffsmith77

Sorry to hear of your troubles too, AnthonyC. Don't worry, I'm not giving in to alcohol, and I never touch drugs. Instead, I'm using this time to focus on improving myself. The time alone has given me time to reflect on myself, and discover what I want to change. Surprisingly enough, it's easier than you think.

I accept the fact that she left me, and I'm certain that I know why. It took me a while, but now it's clear as day. I've had many of my questions answered, but a few still remain. The big one now is why she's decided to leave me out of her life again. I'm still not sure why she won't come out and tell me that she's taken a job 4 hours away, instead of her initial plan of coming back to a town nearby. To go from being open to closing-off... I just don't understand why, and why now.

AnthonyC

I hear you buddy. I don't understand either. We started seeing a marriage counseler 2 months before the separation, and we were seeing progress. Then I left on a business trip kissed her good bye, came back 5 days later, then she drops the separation on me. I've been better myself, hitting the gym often, doing some hatha yoga, and spending time with my friends. I think I know why she left as well, but all I have as of right now are theories. She is refusing to talk to me and has cut me off faster than a miracle blade slices through a tomato. The ***** of this situation is that as much as I feel that I am doing better, somehow the sadness, anger, frustration comes back out of the blue and hits you like a ton of bricks.

On my way to see my folks know, I've been hiding this from them since the begining. I've decided to come clean, and see what happens. Keep me posted on your situation buddy... We both got kicked in the nuts, and left on our own to get back on our knees. Whatever happens we ll still be standing in the end. (I just wish this would pass by faster so that I can move on with my life)
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jeffsmith77

I'm glad to hear that you're taking steps to look after yourself AnthonyC. It's easy to fall into the rut of thinking about why our partners left, but in the end, it doesn't matter. They chose to leave. The pieces may come together for you, like they have for me, but I was only able to get a clear picture once my mind started to calm down.

My ex says she wants to be friends, and the last time I saw her, she was making some plans for the summer and wanted to include me along with other friends of ours. She also told me all about her life and what her plans are. To go from that openness to closing me out has hurt me, but I shouldn't focus on why she changed her attitude. Whether she realized she needs to heal more, thinks I need more time, or if she's thinking about leaving me out of her life forever, it doesn't matter. The ball is in her court, and I'm letting her take control of the situation.

Niceguy13

hardest thing I did after D-day was take the bottle and dump it down the sink, Working on me ahs been easy but it was very very hard to get rid of the "easy answer" glad I did though don't regret it. Though I do miss the 20$ I spent on the bottle bought it like 2 days before d-day hadn't even cracked it yet.

jeffsmith77

Good to hear Niceguy. Drinking or drugs may feel like they help in the short term, but it's a dangerous thing to rely on when we're feeling down and vulnerable.

Niceguy13

yeah I had an alcohol problem when I was younger and I knew if I took a drink from that bottle I wouldn't stop. And yes I still drank on occasion even though I know I have a problem I just didn't drink when I "needed" to drink. If I felt I needed a drink instead of enjoying a drink I wouldn't drink but wine with dinner or the occasional party night would still happen.

jeffsmith77

Something unexpected happened. Although it's minor, it left me scratching my head as to her intentions and wondering what to do. If you recall, when my ex left, she removed me from all social networking sites along with all joint accounts. Basically anything we shared. She and I talked after the breakup, and she was very closed off, not talking about herself at all. The next day she calls again (for a few loose ends) and starts to open up a little. A month later I see her, and she's an open book. After our first face-to-face since the breakup, we've only spoken twice, for a few minutes apiece, only because my neighbor passed away (who my ex loved very much) and because her grandfather passed away. For the last few weeks, it's been silent. Apparently she got her first nursing job, but didn't tell me.

Today, she sent me an invitation to be friends again on Facebook. I know, it's only Facebook, but I wonder why, and why now? She doesn't post much to her account. Is she curious as to what I'm doing? Is this another small step at attempting to be friends? She must know that I still have feelings for her. You don't end a happy 7 year relationship (the last few months weren't) and only feel friendship two months after the relationship is over. Any thoughts? Do you think I should accept, or ignore? Thanks for hearing me out over these trivial things...

Niceguy13

Not in the best place to answer but all things considered you deserve to know the why at least I feel you do. And you have to accept the why. If it is just because she wants to be able to know whats going on in your life you have to accept it as just that it might be more could be more but you have to treat it as just that. It does sound like she is reaching out though.

jeffsmith77

I don't know if many of our friends are telling her what's going on in my life. When she left me, I was without direction in life and wholly dependent on her (a result, I believe, of the depression I was feeling over the past year). The last time she saw me, I was 10-15 lbs. thinner, I was happy, and I was making plans for my own future. I was finally going after my goals. It could be that seeing me like this was a surprise to her, and now she would like to know where I'm heading.

No matter what her intentions are, I take it as she's reaching out to me a bit. A part of me wants to accept her Facebook invite so she can see how well I'm doing. I'm going to continue to post updates for my friends to see; I won't be hiding anything if I accept my ex's invitation. I only post info from my daily runs, updates on my job hunt, and updates on my research for an MBA program.

The downside of all of this is I'll get a little peek into her life. I still love her, and I miss her. Seeing posts from her, showing her living her life without me, might bring me down. But my life has completely turned around, and everyone sees it. I want her to get a glimpse of it too.

mossimo

Try to resolve all issues. Talk it through with her so it can clearly be seen by both where it went wrong.

Communication, take her out somewhere to discuss.

:O)

jeffsmith77

Well, that's a problem. She's 240 miles away, and won't be moving back to my area for a while (a few months, maybe).

I think that discussing where the relationship went south isn't the best idea. I'm almost 100% certain of what happened between us, and I want to show her I'm moving on. Talking about us might appear as though I'm still consumed with thoughts of her. She wants a strong, independent, driven man, which I was in the past, and have become once again.

AnthonyC

One thing I have learned is that you cannot pretend to alright when you are not. I think facebook is a very bad idea, you will end up facebook stalking her, that I promise you. You need to take the time for yourself, and finish your grieving process. As my Minister said, you need to treat this as if you are grieving a death... or in our cases, grieving the death of our spousal relationship.

Here are the stages of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

I personally think I am bouncing between #2 and #4. When I think I am getting better, the slightest thing such as someone mentioning her name to me, or seeing something that reminds me of her... immediately has an effect on me and either sends me into an angry frenzy or depression.

I feel that you are in the same situation, I am not saying stop talking to her forever, but maybe just for now. Do not jump into a situation now where you think you are fine with this, when you are most likely not.

Stay strong Buddy and do whatever you do best that keeps you sane.

Niceguy13

2 and 5 all the way here

jeffsmith77

Sure, I'll take a look at her page, if I accept her invitation. I'm not too concerned about it, since she rarely ever posts anything. I talked with a mutual friend yesterday, and she was a little confused about my ex's intentions. She told me that my ex still doesn't post anything, just the occasional info about her weekly runs. On the other hand, I'm pretty active on Facebook. It could be my ex is curious about what I'm up to.

I agree, and I've made huge strides these past few weeks. I don't stay up all night thinking about her, I don't break down in tears, I'm completely focused on my personal goals, and I can talk about her without diving into depression. Don't get me wrong, I still love her and I miss her, but I feel that I've come to terms with the breakup.

That being said, here's my dilemma: I still love her, and I'm not sure how getting another peek into her life will affect me. I think I'll be able to handle it. She'll respect my feelings, I know. Our couples counselor, and many of our friends, think that she still has some feelings for me. It's likely that she's buried them deep, so she can focus entirely on herself right now. If you look at the events leading up to the separation: we were madly in love, but ran into a bump in the road. Life became extremely difficult, with my mom suddenly dying, I lost my job, my ex couldn't find a nursing job and financial independence was her #1 goal, we were dipping into the wedding fund to stay afloat, our house was in the middle of a remodel, etc. All of this happened at once. True, she was doubting her feelings for me for a while (we seemed to be going different directions in life), but counseling seemed to help. Toward the end, she said she was very happy with me, and after a few weeks of counseling sessions, she told our counselor that she didn't think we needed any other sessions for a while. A couple of days later, my ex put in another deposit for the wedding. And less than 3 weeks later, she leaves.

Since then, I'll pulled a 180. I've lost 15 lbs., I run and exercise 6 days a week, and I'm going back to school for my MBA. I feel amazing. I'm an improved version of who I was. Many of the issues she had with me now seem irrelevant (my lack of physical activity, my lack of drive). I still feel a sliver of hope for the two of us, especially now that her life seems to have settled down a bit (from what I hear) and I've done so much for myself, but I'm willing to accept the permanent separation.

So the pros and cons are:
- Accept the invitation and add a small line of communication between us. This may eventually lead to some face to face time. I'm definitely not the man she left, and I want her to see that.
- It could be that she only feels friendship toward me, and that will never change. I could be taking a gamble and end up getting hurt. I think it's worth the risk, but I'm not sure.

AnthonyC

Jeff, here is my 2 cents.

1) Why do you want her to see that you are not the man she left?

Ultimately, we are who we are. We can change our behavior and habits, but in the end, fundamentally we do not change as individuals. Myself, I do wish that my wife could see me now. I myself am in the best physical shape that I have been in years, and have changed many things in my life, for the better I think. My love for my wife is unconditional, it does not matter what she looks like overtime, or how successful or driven she is. Unfortunately for me, that is not the same case with her. We deserve to be with women who love US UNCONDITIONALLY, and despite our flaws see us for what we truly are... Good Men.

2) Completely your call on whether or not you want to be friends, but to me... it is too soon. I made the decision to spend a lifetime with her, and now she has made the decision to end our relationship. This fact I still find hard to accept. To me a marriage is sacred, and for her to throw it all away has be perplexed and left in a state of absolute turmoil. Just be careful here buddy, you have to do what is right for you.