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Old 03-31-2011, 10:51 AM   #121 (permalink)
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Ugh. It's really sick the way waywards think.

I just moved about two weeks ago and in cleaning out some of my nightstands I found a card he gave me for our wedding anniversary, my most favorite one he ever gave me. It's the one I used to keep on my nightstand every day. It said

To my Wife--I plan on loving you the only way I know how...forever.

Well forever ended yesterday when I signed his divorce papers.
It really makes me ill. Makes sense why my H changed his tune back in December when I showed him our handwritten vows and wedding day cards, that he cried and decided that he wanted to make us work. 3 weeks later he was in the same town as her, and when he came home things collapsed. I even MADE him 7 homemade love letter type cards to take with him on his trip and read one per day. How could he do this to me? It's the biggest stab in the heart I could ever imagine. I don't know how I can ever give a man my heart again. It seems anyone is capable of doing this.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:52 AM   #122 (permalink)
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Anyone IS capable of it. Sick thought, right?
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:14 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Trusting someone is what makes love possible. What is crazy is that having gone through this in our own unique way, ALL of us will eventually give that trust again in some form or fashion.

Next time (with the W or with someone new) I just want to remind myself not to take anything for granted!
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:15 AM   #124 (permalink)
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What is crazy is that having gone through this in our own unique way, ALL of us will eventually give that trust again in some form or fashion.
Agreed. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:27 AM   #125 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Oak;287048
Next time (with the W or with someone new) I just want to remind myself not to take anything for granted![/QUOTE]

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Old 03-31-2011, 11:28 AM   #126 (permalink)
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Agreed. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
I guess what I struggle with, is that if my marriage fails, what have I learned? Really, what have I learned? What has he learned? That he should ever get married because he can't be emotionally faithful to someone? I've learned a lot here and by reading books and going to counseling, so I've learned a lot in that regards. But what mistake did I make in all this?

I guess if you ask turnera, she'll say that I'm a nagging, controlling, horrible to be around wife. But I tend to disagree. As does everyone who hears my story and knows me personally. The one comment I get from EVERYONE is, "Wow, you are stronger than you get credit for. You also have unbelievable self-control. Can't believe you've been putting up with this for this long." Even my H has told me that!
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:43 AM   #127 (permalink)
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You will have learned that you are stronger that you ever thought was possible, and there is nothing you could not do if you set your mind to it.

I really don't know though. For me, I am sad that it came to this, I thought he would always have my back. I don't want to lose that trust in the ones I love. I don't want to be bitter & angry. I think in many ways I am now getting back to me, the person I used to be before kids came along, except now I am better because of what I have gone through in my life. Perhaps thats what this was all about?
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:48 AM   #128 (permalink)
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I guess what I struggle with, is that if my marriage fails, what have I learned? Really, what have I learned? What has he learned? That he should ever get married because he can't be emotionally faithful to someone? I've learned a lot here and by reading books and going to counseling, so I've learned a lot in that regards. But what mistake did I make in all this?

I guess if you ask turnera, she'll say that I'm a nagging, controlling, horrible to be around wife. But I tend to disagree. As does everyone who hears my story and knows me personally. The one comment I get from EVERYONE is, "Wow, you are stronger than you get credit for. You also have unbelievable self-control. Can't believe you've been putting up with this for this long." Even my H has told me that!
Well, I guess for me it's about learning not to cater to my worst personality traits.

For example: Controlling is on my list too, and although I don't think that word defines me as a person, I will admit that I tend to want things "my way."

Before this I would have said "Well my way is the RIGHT way because A, B, and C." At least now I see that having facts to back up my opinion doesn't change another persons emotions about THEIR opinion.

If I can only remember these things the next time I feel sure my relationships will be stronger.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:52 AM   #129 (permalink)
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You will have learned that you are stronger that you ever thought was possible, and there is nothing you could not do if you set your mind to it.

I really don't know though. For me, I am sad that it came to this, I thought he would always have my back. I don't want to lose that trust in the ones I love. I don't want to be bitter & angry. I think in many ways I am now getting back to me, the person I used to be before kids came along, except now I am better because of what I have gone through in my life. Perhaps thats what this was all about?
I don't know. I guess you're right but it does pain me badly. The only thing I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it is saving my marriage. But that takes two. I will not be second choice. I'm thinking about telling him that. I was only 18 when I met H. I guess I haven't lived. I look forward to that, but I doubt it's fun to be single at 32-33. Is my fish still out there? Will he love and care for my children? And then I think of how painful it will be to see MY husband with someone else. And my kids around someone else. My kids will help him get women because they get so much attention. But for me, I don't think it works that way.

I am broken, and having a really hard time getting off the ground. The knot in my stomach is horrible today. But I look good. Wearing a really cute dress and some heels. I'll see him tonight when he drops the kids off. Not sure what to say, if anything. Doubt he'll try to talk to me. But if he does, I'll just tell him that "I won't be disrespected and spoken at, when he has calmed down and chooses to speak to me like his wife should be spoken to, I will be here to listen."
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:14 PM   #130 (permalink)
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I guess what I struggle with, is that if my marriage fails, what have I learned? Really, what have I learned? What has he learned? That he should ever get married because he can't be emotionally faithful to someone?
Don't worry about his lessons. Worry about yours. You are far too enmeshed emotionally to see your situation objectively right now, Lonely. And tha's ok too. You're in the thick of it which is not making you view things practically. As for being single sucking... you only feel that way cause you have been in a relationship basically you'r eentire adult life with your H. 18 is young as hell! You are not who you were at 18 at all. You have basically never been a single adult before that is why it's so mind-boggling to you and mystifying.


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I really don't know though. For me, I am sad that it came to this, I thought he would always have my back. I don't want to lose that trust in the ones I love. I don't want to be bitter & angry. I think in many ways I am now getting back to me, the person I used to be before kids came along, except now I am better because of what I have gone through in my life. Perhaps thats what this was all about?
I like this.

For me, I've learned marriage is a total compromise. I've learned I need to listen to my gut and put on the brakes when something isn't ok. To not give so much of myself to the point where I'm not getting my needs met. To listen more to my partner. To not take things for granted. To know when to walk away.
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Old 04-02-2011, 08:27 AM   #131 (permalink)
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Don't worry about his lessons. Worry about yours. You are far too enmeshed emotionally to see your situation objectively right now, Lonely. And tha's ok too. You're in the thick of it which is not making you view things practically. As for being single sucking... you only feel that way cause you have been in a relationship basically you'r eentire adult life with your H. 18 is young as hell! You are not who you were at 18 at all. You have basically never been a single adult before that is why it's so mind-boggling to you and mystifying.
I know, you're right. I just feel so old. And tied down. Like how would I ever get out and meet someone. But I guess I'll learn that I don't need a man.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:41 AM   #132 (permalink)
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Ugh. He just sent me this email.


Hey, I am missing the kids and was wondering if I could have them
Sunday overnight and take T to school and K to daycare Monday.
Let me know if this is something that we can work out. I know that you
would miss them but I would like to have some time with them too.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:52 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Dear H,

We really missed you today, the kids loved Hop, you should have heard their giggles!
Mum and Dad took us out for dinner and they behaved beautifully, I was so proud of them, My cried for you..... why did you have to do this to our family? We were so happy once.. I want the hate and anger to consume me, so I can just move on... You're going to miss out on days like this all the time... you're not going to see them grow up... I hope you can live with yourself.
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:06 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Dear H,

We really missed you today, the kids loved Hop, you should have heard their giggles!
Mum and Dad took us out for dinner and they behaved beautifully, I was so proud of them, My cried for you..... why did you have to do this to our family? We were so happy once.. I want the hate and anger to consume me, so I can just move on... You're going to miss out on days like this all the time... you're not going to see them grow up... I hope you can live with yourself.
Where is the hug smiley ???

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

Sad thing is....they don't think that far....they are being selfish and only think about themselves....

You are a beautiful woman and there will be this man in your life who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.....I'm sure of it !!!!!

Some have to kiss a couple of frogs before they find their prince.....

XOXO
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Old 04-02-2011, 08:51 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Well he stayed away until 1am. Then he called and I answered. I hung up on him once and he called right back and I let him have his say. I told him that talking to me about his gripes at this point before he even sees how to work on his problems is going to give me more I have to get over and more resent to recover from but he talked anyway. He ran himself totally out of money and has a week before payday. Now he wants a short term loan until his payday of $100. He wants me to short my rent to give it him and he will pay me back on the 7th when he also gives me money for child support. He says that I am trying to punish him by not giving it to him. Thing is I can't decide. I could give it to him. My landlord couldn't care less. I have access to his paycheck and could easily take it back and my child support money. He says that next round he will be smarter. I have sheltered him from his own undoing for better than a decade so I am sure he is shocked but I have to admit I dont think he is going to do any better.
So to not give it would be on principle. To teach him, but if he can't get to work I lose big time. But he knows that... so I fear an ongoing problem. Do I allow for a learning curve? I am not good at being a ***** at all. He is so clueless, he can't be this stupid... so it must be a game... or is it?...
I kept it shorter than I have been and told him I would not answer until Friday. I said no contact today.
Just popped in and read whole thread. What did you end up doing?
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