its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

hello-married 15 yrs known my wife for 18 yrs.we have 2 children boy 13 girl 8. we have a great family.my wife and family are my life.i love my wife with all my heart.we are soulmates.she is beautiful inside and out,everything i would want in a woman even after 15 yrs.she has been loving,loyal.faithful and she is my best friend.she is part of me.and we have always turned each other on,always had a great sex life.

i have never physically cheated on my wife.never have touche d another person since i met her.she is the only one i want.but yet 6 yrs ago and agan last summer she found sexual emails within a sex site i exchanged with other people about sex-meeting for sex and so on.men women,couples and one email was bi-sexual in nature which i am not but now my wife thinks i am and that is a major hurdle here.all anonymous all fantasy with never any intention on meeting anyone.that stuff was not important and that is not who i am and never wanted those people but yet i was drawn.she forgave me 6 yrs ago but it took a toll on her trust and even though its been over a year she couldnt get over the second time.

she said she tried for a year but in july 08 after a litlle spat she said she didnt trust me,wasnt in love with me because of what i did.it was the same as cheating.even though it seemed things were ok and ur sex life was ok.

she said she wanted to be separated but still live in the same house-no divorce,no lawyers.she just wants to be alone to heal and get her head together.she just wants to be with her friends and go out with her friends,she is not wearing her wedding ring.she goes out every saturday nite to a singles dance club for age 30 and over which she and i always went to.because we go so often weve made friends there.i was out at the same club one night she was a few weeks after we started ths cold war and she ignored me.dancing and flirting with other men right in front of me.47 yrs old but she looks 35.it really hurt.she only works part time and i pay for everything in the house,which pretty much all my money goes to.


i dont know how long i can take it.i see her everyday and when she gets ready to go out sat nite and she is gorgeous,sexy voluptuous.i am lucky she is my wife.she is hurt and angry and can seem to be creul to me without it bothering her.i know she still loves me which puzzles me on how she can do it.i dont want this going on but she does.alot of damage has been done i know that and im the cause by the stupid things ive done on the computer.

i dont think i will ever forgive myself for hurting and pushing away a woman who i do love and cherish and respect.i just want her to give me one more chance to prove myself and earn back her trust but she doesnt seem to want to do it right now.we are in the same house which isnt big and i try to be loving and affectionate which i am always but she doesnt want it from me.but yet she doesnt want a divorce or for me to move out.its been 2 months but according to her ive been doing what i did for 6 yrs.sometimes i feel like we are in a high school relationship.i dont want to leave but she has to make a decision at some pt on saving the marriage or not.im just waiting because i want and need to.

i know its my fault and she says she needs space but its so hard.i love her so much be shes says how when i did those things but i do more than anything.i know i betrayed and i have changed but she is scared and afraid to trust me again.i just want the chance.

if theres any help or suggestions out there please respond
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Old 09-24-2008, 02:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

The most difficult posts for me to respond to are like yours, where she gave you the benefit of the doubt and you betrayed her trust yet again. Of course she is afraid to trust you again, you have already proven to her twice that this compulsion was stronger than you.

What caused you to do it a second time? I would think whatever it was could happen again if she chose to trust yet again. You may feel strong in your stance right now, but you probably did the first time you were caught.

My only suggestion would be to talk to a counselor that specializes in sexual addiction. It would do two things...show your wife you are serious and putting in some extra effort without any expectations or promises from her and secondly, it will help you get to the bottom of why this drew you in so strongly that you risked the most important relationship in your life for it.

I think you're past the point of talking and trying to convince her your words are sincere, but if you take some positive action, she may respond.
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Old 09-25-2008, 09:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

i am in counseling now and will never stop.it did make a difference for her in the past and i hope it will now.i am a changed person and i hope she gives me the chance to prove it to her.its been 2 months now and i need to just give her her space to figure things out-thats what she says.

im afraid that when she goes out to the dance club every sat nite[where we always went together] without me during this time that she will be open to advances of other men,because i know of one she likes there and i know they already have a strong friendship happening and is one step away from more although this just exists on sat nite in the club.

but i pushed her there-if i didnt do what i did she would never be doing this so im getting what i deserve i know that.

i hope she gives me one more chance-i will prove myself to her.if she has any love left for me.shes certainly not showing any for me now
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Old 09-25-2008, 10:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

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Originally Posted by lmh11706 View Post
im afraid that when she goes out to the dance club every sat nite[where we always went together] without me during this time that she will be open to advances of other men,because i know of one she likes there and i know they already have a strong friendship happening and is one step away from more although this just exists on sat nite in the club.

but i pushed her there-if i didnt do what i did she would never be doing this so im getting what i deserve i know that.
I don't know if I agree with that. Two wrongs don't make a right and if she steps out of the marriage with another man I seriously doubt it will make her feel better if this is an attempt to even the score.

You have probably done some serious damage to her self-image by your online pursuits and I'm sure the attention she is getting from men at the club is helping her feel better about herself & part of her probably wants you to know that she is still desirable...hearing it from you probably doesn't work for her right now. I hope that's all that this is for her and she's not considering an affair, but the more she gets emotionally attached to that man, the higher the risk it will go in that direction.

Have you tried asking her whether she would go to marriage counseling with you?
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

yes i have and she wants no part of counseling right now.she says this is my problem not hers.but i figured that if she still loved me and wanted to keep our family together that she would want counseling

but also my wife is the type that doesnt doesnt like to be told shes wrong about anything,she gets definsive when shes critizized or she might have to change her thinking.every counseling session she has gone to with me and its only a couple she leaves unhappy and mad and says that therapist isnt good.

as for the club-yes she likes the attention and she gets alot because she has way above average looks and body and some guys there know shes separated.she doesnt want any of that attention from me.she weras a ring on her wedding ring finger but its not her wedding ring

i dont think she would have an affair while still married and living with me and this guy has told her that he just wants to be friends because hes married with a child but also separated in the same house,so they found common ground together.but she doesnt have to have sex,she could get into other things with him short of that but thats me being paranoid

my wife also said that her feelings of love for him were false and felt like a fool because he didnt want more.he was just there-a shoulder to cry on and made her feel good.i mean just because he didnt want it doesnt change her feelings.but i think she realizes it was just infatuation or maybe thats waht she wants me to think.

im very torn-its been 2 months and i feel like she justs wants me home for money and to help with the kids.she only works partime for spending money for herself.she has shown me no love in any form of communication.i told her the other day that she needs to decide if she wants to divorce or save the marraige because i cant stay like this for months and months.living separately in the same house.people do that when they mutually want to separate.thats not the case here

how much can i take.i watch her leave the house to go out and she looks like a playboy playmate-it drizes me crazy.i know she knows it makes me mad.i havent gone out that much.
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Old 09-26-2008, 04:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

I'm very interested to know what your next move will be. I think she is testing you, and if you could dig deep into your pool of inner resourcefulness, you could surprise her. I am not talking of buying her gifts here.

As for what I would do in your position, I would not lie. If you think you are going to be unable to keep out of chat rooms in the future, then you may as well tell her. There is seldom a good case made for deception. By promising something twice and breaking it, you made your word a sham.

Better to ask her if she can love you just the way you are. If you want to work on your addiction, that's great, but she would be unwise to put her faith in you staying on the wagon. In any case, even though it's not every one's cup of tea, it's not as if you were up to something horrendous.
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Old 09-27-2008, 10:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

no she wont love me the way i am because she is totally against what i did-its not a marraige doing those things according to her and how could i love her and be doing those things

yes it was only cybersex but she thinks thats what i want

and i can stay out of the bad stuff in cyberspace.this episode has changed me for the better,if not for this relationship which i hope continues til death do us part-but for any future relationship i will have.
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Old 09-28-2008, 08:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

From the way she is behaving it is clear she is no angel. She feels morally superior right now, but it might eventually dawn on her that she is being as bad if not worse than you.

I think you also need to look into the fact that she appears to be getting a kick out of frustrating you. You might be able to use that to your advantage if you were super-smart. I actually think it's turning her on.

Last edited by MarkTwain; 09-28-2008 at 08:20 AM.
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: its my doing but this so called separation is destroying me

Yeah. I went through a similar situation. I would check out zaxxes.com if i were you. Helped my marriage of 7 years. We are going on a cruise next week and are finally a happy couple again. Good luck to you.
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