Help! I recently found out more "surprises" that my spouse had done and it really helped me pull away from him and use the "180" rules. I have had NC with him for almost an entire week. I have been busy, felt great, independent, and "accomplished" lately. So............I had to call him this morning about something he left in my home that he needs to take care of. It turned into HOURS of me texting and calling, venting, asking questions about what he has been doing, rehashing all of our unresolved issues, searching for a real "apology/remorse," discussing future financial plans, and Yada Yada yada! We talked, but accomplished very little. Just both got upset. I am now crying again and completely upset after having a FABULOUS week. My stomach is hurting and I feel sick. It's like I "used" again. When can I get off this "drug" once and for all? Will I continue to relapse? Please tell me when (If) this will end. I am so ashamed of myself for "slipping" and don't know what I am trying to accomplish. Am I just behaving normally as any betrayed scorned woman would after 22 years of marriage? Is this par? Why can't I STAY with the NC thing? I have not even filed yet for financial and logistical reasons right now. I just want to move on and quit thinking or worrying about him, but we have kids, he's not completely out of the home, (belongings) and we are not yet divorced, etc. When will this get better? When will I be able REALLY be over him, stop contacting him, etc. Will it get better? WHEN? LOL
It sounds like you are looking for closure. Are you guys in MC and trying to work it out?
He will always be a part of your life because of the kids. I doubt you'll be able to be REALLY over him until you feel like there is no hope left and talking on the phone won't get anywhere but an argument. It sounds like you still hold out hope for remorse and reconciliation.
@anx~ The kicker is, I don't think I ever loved this man, but maybe I did/do? I think this may be no more than a severely bruised ego, and lack of control over him. YES, I am looking for closure OR for unresolved issues in the marriage to be resolved. We WERE attempting to reconcile until I found out more "surprises" and that he was incapable of telling the truth. And YES, I keep wanting him to fall to his knees crying, and express TRUE regret and remorse, ask for forgiveness, and ask to come home and work things out EVEN THOUGH I KNOW it would never work. Kind of like wanting to be invited to the party even though you don't care to go. LOL
I read the rest of your story that I could find. Despite having a baby, marring a man that you don't know that you ever loved is pretty cruel. Yes your husband cheating is also terrible. I think if you really dug down into how he felt over the past many years of your relationship it would be pretty ugly. He has probably felt years of rejection and lack of worth.
Yes, he lied to you about affairs, but in the 20 year lead up to this, I think you both messed up a ton.
Wanting him to ask for forgiveness and then not actual be interested in making it work is something more that a recent issue regarding secrets.
Kcrat. I am in a very similar situation right now. Every time I tell myself I'm going to do a 180 and pull back I always end up messing it up. I have young kids so it has to be LC for me. Sometimes I'll do great for a few days. But my problem is that H and I are separated and he is cheating on me. Every so often when he feels me starting to pull away he will start texting or flirting when he come to pick up drop off the kids. Things always start to unravel because I will get angry with him and start hassling him which in turn just pushes him farther away
@anx~ Thanks for your responses. Yes, I have genuinely apologized for my part in all of this many times, cried and cried, and "got real" about who I am, what part I have played in the demise of this marriage, and why I think I have behaved the way I have behaved. He told me he wanted to try to make things work a few months ago based on my self revelations and apologies. However, once back home, more lies were discovered despite my begging for "full disclosure" and honesty. I just could not take it any longer. And I only WISH it was just an affair I was dealing with. There is a lot more. I DO believe he suffered rejection, bullying, being talked down to, etc. I am completely honest about my part. But just know, that my frustrations and bitterness were based on REAL life issues, things the kids and I suffered through by his hand, and there are always 2 sides to ever story. We aren't bitter and "mean" for no reason generally speaking. Do I think we could work things out? Probably not. In addition, he has NO desire to do that at this time. MC! HAHA. We had just returned from some heavy duty EXPENSIVE counseling one weekend where many people were there due to having affairs, bared their souls, etc. He NEVER would tell me about his despite me begging him to tell me. He had to get "caught" for me to know. I found out weeks after the counseling had ended. THAT is not a guy who wants to work things out in my book. And the lies continue to this day.....I DO understand why some of this happened, but I was making real strides and making real changes in myself at the end, and trying to resolve BIG issues in our marriage, but he would just not do his part in regards to honesty, full disclosure and real communication. And we DID see a guy recently together who said that it appeared I had suffered years of betrayal, and basically (in a very kind and professional way) told my husband he had no integrity.
@jdb3~ I bet it is that much harder when you have little ones. My 21 year old is out of the house, but it's still hard. I still have an 18 year old at home. They hate hearing, or talking about it all. Hang in there, and I wish for you that you have strength, and courage. I hope you are able to go for a long period of time with NC, unless of course you have to discuss business, or the kiddos. Much luck
Kcrat you story also hits very close to home because like your husband, mine just keeps throwing in my face how mean and controlling and selfish I have been throughout our marriage. He basically has told me that I pushed him away and broke him down so much that he felt like our marriage was over...so he had an affair. At this point I take some responsibility for those things. I know I wasn't an easy woman to live with. And I admit that possibly things had broken down to a point where he felt neglected which probably contributed to his affair. However, the choice to have an affair was all his. He COULD have chosen to work on the marriage instead. Now I blame the "fog" of his affair for constantly telling me how horrible I was as a wife and how he feels like the last 7 years were wasted by being married to me I know in my heart it wasn't as bad as he was making it. But at this point I just have to let go because there is absolutely no willingness on his part to make this marriage work.
He says he thinks that possibly it could get better in the future. But there is no full disclosure on his part. And like with your husband whenever I try to get answers and get him to "come clean and disclose" all I find are more lies he has hidden. I do not believe at all right now that the OW is out of his life. So for now I just have to walk away and cut contact to as little as possible. And it hurts and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The past happened and there isn't any going back. You both probably did huge damage to your relationship.
I think the book can speak to you better than I can, but here goes from my own experience.
I think you are currently in the right by being remorseful of your own part in this. I think you should show that to your husband. Even if you never get back together or there is no hope in this. Be the bigger person: loving, humble, and forgiving(or working on it). The best quote I heard on forgiveness was something like "forgiveness is surrendering your ability to return hurt to those who hurt you." There really isn't anything more to forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't forgetting the past (you can't bring it up all the time however and let it rule your actions), or not protecting yourself, or acting like everything is fine. Your husband is currently suffering consequences for his affair and someone else will judge your husband. You don't need to do that. Don't be spiteful and mean towards him. Love may mean hanging up the phone or returning a text with "I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to continue fighting/talking like this its not productive. Have a good night."
The book talks in part about letting your husband have his freedom. Let him decide his next move. I truly hope you and him could come to a place where you are both willing to love. It may take 5 years of slowly reconnecting or just living in the same house being parents with the relationship in slightly above friendship mode. Or at least just adults who love each other and get along and stop by for several minutes on a holiday to say hi and pick up your child without evil glares and anger.
I think your husband had probably lied to you for years about the affair. He probably knew telling you would end your M and didn't want that to happen. Its a messed up reason, but it probably came from a place of love and not spite. Telling you at a weekend retreat would mean you would probably (rightly and justifiably) yell and scream at him with a ton of other couples around.
Best of luck. I know this stuff is heartbreaking, and it sometimes doesn't feel like there is an end to the pain.
@anx~ The kicker is, I don't think I ever loved this man, but maybe I did/do? I think this may be no more than a severely bruised ego, and lack of control over him.
I am sorry you find yourself here in this situation. It's totally normal to have a setback and slip up w/ no contact. No contact is hard as hell. It's insane!!! But you can and will do it. Just focus on why you need to be no contact. What you posted there about your ego being bruised and the lack of control--its spot on. It's the rejection that makes people feel they want their SO back. But think about it... if you found out all these lies he told ya and then he tried to come back sreaming, crying, bleeding for your love, would you still feel the same??
Originally Posted by Kcrat
@We WERE attempting to reconcile until I found out more "surprises" and that he was incapable of telling the truth. And YES, I keep wanting him to fall to his knees crying, and express TRUE regret and remorse, ask for forgiveness, and ask to come home and work things out EVEN THOUGH I KNOW it would never work. Kind of like wanting to be invited to the party even though you don't care to go. LOL
Can totally relate. My situation was very similar. We were doing MC when he finally confessed to cheating saying it was a one time thing. Months later, even after all of this when we were still "together" I found out he was still actively in touch with her. He denies everything to this day, even after we divorced (this week actually). I just had to come to terms with the fact he'd never tell me the entire truth and live w/ it.
You say you are dealing with other issues too. I am sorry. You will be fine. Try to focus on other things. You are better off than being w/ someone who can't commit to you and who won't tell you the truth. In the end, he will have to live with the fact he lied to your face, lied to his wife, even after confronted.
@ Jellybeans. Thanks so much. Your comment really helped me decipher what is REALLY going on with me. Also, I want to wish you luck with the finality of your divorce. I know it was just this week, and know you will have good days and bad..........but wish you more good than bad, and peaceful and happy days ahead!