My wife and I have been separated for six months. We have been married for over ten years and we have two children (7&3). A year ago, we both agreed to go to marriage counseling because our marriage was on the rocks. For much of our marriage I was the controlling person and she was the passive person. I always had the final say on our decisions and I made a lot of mistakes. I also withdrew from her emotionally when I got upset and did things like ignore her and not talk to her for days. She has always had a low self esteem and I could never tell her she was beautiful or smart without getting a roll of the eyes or the hand. At some point, she checked out emotionally and I was happy to go on with the status quo hoping things would get better some day.
Instead they got worse.
Our counselor wanted to see us individually before we started marriage counseling and so we did that. Before we ever went to a counseling session together, my wife told me that she was having an affair with another woman and that she was a lesbian and could not love me anymore - but she still wanted to be friends. I was devastated. Eventually it sunk in for me that
our relationship was dead and I asked her to move out. We had just bought a house and we needed two incomes to afford our bills and everything else. Kicking her out hurt me financially but it was better than living with someone that I loved but could not love me back.
We agreed on shared custody and we agreed to do what's best for the kids. I went to counseling to get over her and deal with my pain while she had a 5 month relationship with the OW. During this time I was not able to speak to her save for conversations about the kids, money, divorce, etc. I was very mad. In March of this year, she told me that she had been seeing someone new for three months. She told me that she had broken up with he OW and was now seeing a man. (GAHH!!) I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said no.
All the pain and anger came back immediately and I went into depression. I told her that she was messed up and should not be seeing anyone at all and instead should be trying to fix her head. She said she knew that was what she was supposed to be doing but she still wanted to see the OM.
So I went back to counseling and cleared my head and realized that if she was capable of having a relationship with a man, she was capable of having a relationship with me. Since we have separated, I have not had any relationships because I still love her and consider myself a married man until the divorce papers are signed. Instead I have drunk a bottle of whiskey a week and have not eaten or slept well at all. (I stopped drinking two weeks ago and started eating again which has helped me to clear my head)
So I told her that I was done being angry and that I wanted to go to counseling to save our marriage. I still love her very much and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. She said she does not feel anything for me emotionally and thinks we can only ever be friends. She agreed to break up with the OM and she agreed to go to marriage counseling for one session to see if there is anything we can do to save our marriage at this point. I don't trust her to leave the OM and I don't trust her to come to counseling with me. If it happens great but at this point I am not getting my hopes up.
I don't know if she is capable of loving me ever again after everything that has happened. I know if she can't then I will be very sad for a very long time. Until she decides she wants to save our marriage, I am stuck in limbo between two worlds. A world with the woman I love and a world without her.
Wow....talk about a double blow for you.
It sounds like your wife might be in some sort of mid life crisis. I applaud you for wanting to stick by her and work through things despite her relations outside of your marriage.
Personally, I think she should to agree to more than 1 session of MC because the first appt is just a get to know you session anyway.
I wish you the best, I really do. I think it was wise of you to stop drinking as well, because in the long run that would have done more harm than good. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you. It is not easy to tell her I still love her after what she has done, but it's the truth.
She called me today to tell me she had broken up with her BF. She didn't have to call and I was very happy and relieved that she did. She also said that she wants to be home with the kids and not hanging out at bars watching her BF's band. So I am taking that as another positive step.
I am looking forward to MC so we can get everything out in the open and finally deal with all our issues honestly and productively. I am hoping that our counselor can convince her that this will take many sessions and a long time to repair. I have a feeling that she just wants one session so she can say we went and it didn't work. But I am trying not to let myself ruminate on an unknown future. I have a lot of work to do for myself and she has a lot of work to do as well. For me it is worth it and I am in 100%. But I still need some kind of commitment from her, regardless of how she feels about me. If she ever wants to move back home, she needs to want to repair the damage and invest in a new relationship with me. Whether she can do that is not my problem. It is hers.
Be very careful here. If she wants to come back I can tell you from experience that you will have needs that she will need to meet. I can tell you if she is not ready for the transperentcy and the loss of privacy that you will need to heal it will be fight fest at the Limbo Man house hold.
So I suggest the boundries that you have that will protect you fom getting hurt again be established before you take her back. For me I need all W's passwords, reciepts, and timecard/pay stub. I mean I had some crazy sh*t that my wife needed to do in order for me to heal. In a sense I think she regrets those word " I'll do anything" b/c I am way off on the accountablity thing. but thats just me.....that and as far as she knows I don't need her she needs me.
I will never say those words "I'll do any thing just come home" no f*cking way as much as I love her and want her back I will not give her that satisfaction that I will tolorate her infidelity and acuuss her past behavior.
My cheating wife knows for sure that I do not trust her and I have forgiven her I can no way tell her in all honesty that I trust her. See trust is earned forgivness is given. Dont let the two be confussed.
Point is she will have to do all the heavy lifting if she want to come back. I can see your w coming back and right of way giving you grief for not trusting her and spouting all kind of BS. So make it clear in what you expect when of if *YOU LET HER BACK* on your term.
Its hard, you want her back so bad and between you and me will do anything...just don't let her know that. I believe if you do let her back with out these consequences you will find your self kicking your self in the not so far future.
So be up front and let her know the heavy lifting she will need to do to make it work and that taking her back is not a matter of conveinence for her and a temporary bandage for you. A big price will have to be paid on her part...like the loss of privacy and constant accountablity. Its sad to say but I watch my wifes every move..it is getting better but there was a time....
The good news is this behavior on your part will deminish if she plays her card right and gives her self completely back to you and submits to what you need to heal.
Its a tough road but it can be done, if she is willing to submit and you are willing to give (in time) you can find a balance after all this crap is cleared away.
Yes, she has forfeited your trust and, if she is serious about healing the rift, she has to live with no privacy, no secrets--b/c otherwise, you will never be able to rebuild trust. Another poster on here has a husband who wanted her to trust and heal on HIS schedule (he was the one with the EA), and that is a recipe for disaster. Hold firm on this for the sake of your children, b/c it will be ugly and awful if you live in limbo without trust for the rest of your married life. Ask your wife if she can really commit to no privacy for as long as you need it--and that could be years, or could come and go, and she needs to understand that is the normal consequence of her actions, not of your insecurity. The two of you may not be able to resolve all issues and that could lead to an agreement to divorce, but the one issue that should NOT, is her saying, "He won't trust me." Of course you won't, but she really needs to "get" that. If she is 100% transparent and tells you where she is and with whom, all the time, if she expects you to check up on her stories (b/c until you verify, that's all they are to you, when you feel insecure), if she understands that you ARE insecure and will be for a long time, and understands that your insecurity is the direct consequence of her actions--then the privacy issue will not rear its head. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice you guys. Up until now I really hadn't thought about coming up with conditions for her when and if she moves back home. I understand the importance of setting up clear boundaries in order to create an environment where trust can be earned again, but I am a little wary of showing up to MC and giving her a list of "Demands" for her return. I'm pretty sure in her current state she would tell me to F off and walk out the door.
I have never been to MC before and I have no idea what to expect. How does it work? Does the counselor make suggestions for these boundaries? Do I get a chance to let her know how much damage she's done to me? Can I tell her that I don't think she is coming to MC for the right reasons and that I distrust her motivation? I have no clue how it works. Any advice from people who have been through it or are going through it would help me a lot. I'd like to have some sort of expectation about what will happen before I get there.
Demands are thinks you want her to do, she has her own choice, so don't control her, you can't but you can set up the walls that will protect your feeling. These walls are called boundries and they prtotect you not her. Remember it is her choice.
So take control and control what you will tolorate and what you will except. Give her the option to deside in working things out with you and what your need to heal or leave you alone so you can heal on your terms.
So welcoming her back with out a clear understanding in what you need is asking for a fight.
You are most likely correct so take the time and when it comes up in the future you will be prepared to bring it to the table before she moves back in and all the big deal in moving, and you hear her say "if I knew you needed that I wouldn't have moved in"
The main thing is, before the both of you reinvest in this marraige your wall....boundries are set up to protect you, and they are not demands but protection from further pain.
As far as MC goes, I think it depends on what your looking to get out of the experience. I am sure your therapist will want to know what your hoping to accomplish by going.
If for some reason your W does not want to continue to go, I strongly suggest you keep going for yourself. You have a lot of hurt and anger to sort through, and it will do you a world of good to have someone totally unbiased to talk to. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, I guess I'm not in limbo anymore. My dearest wife has chosen to skip the marriage counseling and go directly to divorce. Last week we were talking about her moving back home while we worked through the MC stuff. I had asked her to set up an appointment for us when she went to see her counselor, but instead she set up an appointment for us to figure out how we could live as roommates and just be there for the kids and the house stuff. So I told her the only way she will ever move home is by going to MC with me and committing to it 100%. She has so graciously declined.
So I told her to pick a day to come and get her stuff. And that's all she wrote folks! I am a single dude now. Time to go price out a Mustang and get myself a new leather jacket!
I am on the other end of the spectrum. I would be so happy if some poor unsuspecting girl would grab his attention. I cant handle this anymore. The good makes me cry, the bad makes me cry, i obsess in between about what is coming.
I am finally letting go of the ghost of a fantsy that was my marriage and finally doing LC for real. I feel mean and cold. This is not me, I don't hold my love back but I must learn not to be so loving, all I get it hurt. If I could learn to only give it to good people, if here is such a thing aside from my kids...
So I told her to pick a day to come and get her stuff. And that's all she wrote folks! I am a single dude now. Time to go price out a Mustang and get myself a new leather jacket!
(but first I have to stop feeling so sad)
I am pretty much where you are. I made the decision yesterday to move on. "Its over" is a powerful thing.
I spent most of the day in bed but the hurt has changed.
SHE can't hurt me anymore. She has tried to several times today even in th e few hours she was here.
I didn't even notice one of the attempts until later!
There is a technique to let go. It works quite well.
1. Pick up and object. Make it a hard one..
2. Concentrate on it as if it were her or something about her.
3. Drop it.
4. repeat as required.
This is much harder than it sounds and will probably make your heart break again. But your used to that now
Living in Limbo 
