A quick recap of events: due to no sex, communication and her fixation with starting a family I broke down and asked my wife for a separation earlier this year. She has spent the past couple of weeks staying with her folks in Europe but is due back here this weekend.
The first fortnight was simple enough; I am more than capable of looking after myself so took the time to clean up the house and catch up with things. To my surprise I did find myself missing her towards the end of the second week, not so much her actual company (since she spent most time on her computer) but I did feel rather emotional whenever I folded her clothes or picked up items she had bought for me in the past. I guess a lot of baggage comes with nine years of marriage.
What really set me off was that when I was putting away some clothes I found a letter that she had written (but not given) to me. In it she said how sorry she was that I was unhappy, how she never realised what was going on with us and how this separation has thrown her whole world upside down. She ended the letter asking me to give her another chance and reading this really got me feeling guilty.
A few days later I went out for a meal with a female friend, I had no romantic intention (we often have lunch together) but towards the end of the night she made it clear that she had feelings for me and wanted us to date. I didn’t respond, I’m in no place to do that right now, but going through a “what if” scenario in my mind during the long drive home just made me feel incredibly guilty, especially since my wife is hurting so much right now.
Now it’s week five and the guilt is still as strong as ever. I sent a text to my wife asking how she was and she responded that she was afraid to come back home because of how sad it makes her feel. This too made me feel like such a bad guy. I’m not sure if I’m asking for a magical cure-all potion here, I know such a thing doesn’t exist, but to those of you with experience how did you cope with the guilt? Was it enough to make you go back on your decisions?
A quick recap of events: due to no sex, communication and her fixation with starting a family I broke down and asked my wife for a separation earlier this year. She has spent the past couple of weeks staying with her folks in Europe but is due back here this weekend.
The first fortnight was simple enough; I am more than capable of looking after myself so took the time to clean up the house and catch up with things. To my surprise I did find myself missing her towards the end of the second week, not so much her actual company (since she spent most time on her computer) but I did feel rather emotional whenever I folded her clothes or picked up items she had bought for me in the past. I guess a lot of baggage comes with nine years of marriage.
What really set me off was that when I was putting away some clothes I found a letter that she had written (but not given) to me. In it she said how sorry she was that I was unhappy, how she never realised what was going on with us and how this separation has thrown her whole world upside down. She ended the letter asking me to give her another chance and reading this really got me feeling guilty.
A few days later I went out for a meal with a female friend, I had no romantic intention (we often have lunch together) but towards the end of the night she made it clear that she had feelings for me and wanted us to date. I didn’t respond, I’m in no place to do that right now, but going through a “what if” scenario in my mind during the long drive home just made me feel incredibly guilty, especially since my wife is hurting so much right now.
Now it’s week five and the guilt is still as strong as ever. I sent a text to my wife asking how she was and she responded that she was afraid to come back home because of how sad it makes her feel. This too made me feel like such a bad guy. I’m not sure if I’m asking for a magical cure-all potion here, I know such a thing doesn’t exist, but to those of you with experience how did you cope with the guilt? Was it enough to make you go back on your decisions?
It is no sin to think. Why do you feel guilty? In fact it is understandable. But now here is the hard part. You did not realize that you put yourself in a very bad situation that could easily have led to sex with this woman. You are vulnerable now and you need to stay out of situation that make it difficult to resist if you want to stay with your wife and it sounds like you do.
So think about it in a different way, what happened was a warning - if you do not want to get into a situation that makes you think of cheating then listen to those thought and see them as warnings and avoid getting yourself into a simular situation.
Stop beating yourself up for normal thoughts. If you want to absolve your gilt, do not see or talk to this friend again. She is not a friend or a good person. She took advantage of your vulnerable state and invited you to hurt your wife, and disrupt your life. I bet she would not want to be hurt that way. Cut contact completely, she will not stop tempting you.
I agree with what's been said. As long as you are feeling this guilt, you will start justifying things in your head, and you won't think rationally. A new person will pull your thoughts in the wrong direction and it's very disrespectful to your wife. Have you tried MC? Are you still in love with your wife? Can your issues be resolved? I think it sounds like you owe your marriage a shot.
I think I wasn’t clear in explaining the guilt I am feeling. Yes some of it stems from the night out with the friend (whom I have already cut off contact with) but a lot of it came from BEFORE like when I read the letter or looked at our old photographs. The friend was just an extra layer of guilt to what was already there before
What I was asking was if its normal to feel so guilty after asking for a separation? I’m not sure what calling my wife is supposed to achieve, I’m wondering if this guilt is a normal process or could really be a sign that I made the wrong decision.
I apologise if this may seem a no brainer for some of you but for me, this is really making me feel confused.
I can imagine there being a fair amount of guilt when ending a marriage and giving up, when the other person whom you loved and cherished at one point wants to save it. Could that be it?
Most of us on this site are at the other end. We are the ones trying to save our marriage while our spouse walks away. Not all of us, but a good portion have been in that position. The end of a marriage is the end of a dream. It's all the hopes you had being shattered. You know your wife is hurting, and this guilt is probably your way of hurting as well. Do you still love her? Would you like for your marriage to be reconciled?
As the one who chose to separate from his wife, here's my input...
Yeah, I think guilt is a normal part of the process. But nobody can tell you if it's just guilt, or if it's a sign that you made the "wrong" decision. Only you can judge that.
In my case, I had decided that this was the right decision months ago, and I knew it was going to be hard to stick with that decision. It would have been very easy in the time leading up to the separation to take the easy way out, and go back to the status quo. And guilt was a big part of that... It would be so much easier for everyone involved. But the reasons why I wanted the separation weren't changing, and I believed from past experience that this would just come up in the future, and be that much worse. So I've resolved to stay strong in my decision.
As far as the friend goes... There was a thread in here about dating and stuff, and as I posted there, I have been on some dates with a particular woman. We're in similar situations, and understand that this relationship isn't likely to have much of a shelf life. On the other hand, it's definitely nice to have someone else that cares about you, someone to do stuff with, and even (heaven forbid) some physical contact with.
I'm not religious, so that doesn't have any impact on me. And my marriage was over months before the separation actually occured, both in my mind and in discussions with my wife that a separation was going to happen. At the same time, I suspect my soon to be ex wife would NOT be happy if she found out this out, and it could cause things to turn from reasonably amicable to ugly. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.
One thing that casually dating has shown me is that yes, some of the things that caused me to want the separation and divorce truly were issues. Realizing, of course, that we're definitely in a honeymoon phase...
My advice on dating... If you're interested at all in reconciling or questioning your decision, don't date. If you're firm on the separation and/or divorce, dating cautiously and casually doesn't have to be a bad thing.
BTW, I've been separated for going on 2 months now... So pretty recent as well.
Apologies for taking so long to respond but whilst things have been hectic here I still wanted to offer some thanks for all the advice given.
It’s been a rollercoaster that’s for sure! During the first few days of her return we kept things cool and polite between us, we ate meals together, watched movies together, went for walks and acted much like a normal couple save being intimate or sleeping in the same bed. From the outside we were the happy couple but deep down needed to sort a lot of things out and that talk soon followed one evening.
We both agreed that we needed to make some changes (if we were going to give our marriage another go) but part of me knows that we’ve been here before in the past to no avail so I really don’t see how things will be different this time. I came to some big realizations about my own failings, my depression perhaps being the cause of me not wanting to be intimate and having so much resentment inside me and the idea of that this is just a mid-life crisis was thrown around but I believe her refusal to have sex for so many years and spitefulness also played a large part in things.
As much as she is apologising for that behaviour, after having to bear it for so long, I don’t think that I can get over it. Despite her being very physically attractive I just can not think of her in a sexual way anymore and I think that although I could cover it up now, those feelings will return with a vengeance later on. There is also the issue of children (her wanting, me not wanting) and no matter how much we try to patch up it will always be on the back burner that she needs to start having them now while she still can.
She still loves me and I still care for her a lot but I’m not sure if that is enough right now.
Does the Guilt ever Go? 
