My son's wedding was yesterday. Beautiful ceremony on the beach with a gorgeous Florida sunset on the Gulf. I, naturally, teared up. The reception was at their house, outside under a canopy/tent and went pretty well (as receptions go). No shortage of "excitement" , family drama, etc. All the time and work that I and my DIL's mom put into everything showed in our kids' faces through non stop smiles.
As for the STBXH, he arrived last Sat nite. Didn't see him until Monday, which also was his Bday. I kept myself in check all week. No fighting, no tears (at least not around him), basically the 180 in person. I felt pretty good about how I handled all of it. Even when he presented me with the divorce agreement. I looked it over, made some changes/additions and gave it back. He had a problem with the $ and time terms. I am holding fast to it. I informed him that we could let a judge decide everything. He tried to argue that I might get less than what he is offering. The reality is that right now there has been no forward progress on the divorce.
He did seem somewhat surprised (can't think of the right word) by the weight loss, haircut and color, my overall appearance. Each time I knew I'd be seeing him, I made sure I looked good, pulling out all the stops for the wedding.
Ain't it a kick in the azz to be celebrating your child's marriage at the same time you're witnessing the death and imminent burial of your own marriage?
The day before Thanksgiving, what can I say. Things are pretty much at a standstill as far as either a settlement or straight divorce. Neither of us can afford to file and get a "court" style divorce. Have gone back and forth a few times with an agreement but he hasn't responded to the last one I sent.
The biggest battle seems to be focused on the DD. I'm moving this coming weekend. She doesn't want to go to that particular place. Keep in mind she is 18 and wanting to try life on her own by staying where she is, with her friends. STBXH is really pressuring her to go to NJ. I'm just trying to be supportive of and for her, nevermind how I feel about him. What a quandry this is!
On the brighter side, my son and his wife have found out through sonogram that the 1st grandchild is going to be a girl! They've already picked the name, after both of us Mom's. She's due to arrive April 12! Still searching for my "grandma" handle. Just so excited.
December's update finds me now in another city. Job hunting is the main focus daily. It's not easy to find employment when you are female, 50, still recovering from brain surgery, etc. Not so much lamenting as stating the truth. But I do have plenty of experience, a college education, determination and faith that I will rise above this quagmire that STBXH has so deftly pushed me into.
I'm alone for the first time in 25 years, not even my dog. I had to leave her with my son. But on the plus side I no longer have to worry if the toilet seat is up (it's not ever now), have regained control of the remote, can eat what I like and when I want. Finally, all choices are for ME!
To keep busy when I'm not job hunting I have begun working on a 1,000 pc jigsaw puzzle of my fave thing, dolphins. I have also started a family survival/history book for the kids and granddaughter to be. I've reconnected with my roommate from college and several other friends that "disappeared" when I got married. On the whole, things are looking up now.
As for STBXH, deeper and deeper he sinks in the financial morass he is perpetuating. He's attempting to entice DD to joining him in NJ by saying he'll help her get a car and such. Looks like manipulation by money to me. She says it shouldn't make any difference where she is for him to help her. I've called him on his "look at me and what I'm doing" routine. So much that could be said about him, by me, his own kids, his family but I just don't even waste my breath anymore, to anyone. We all know him and he seems to be opting to cut himself out of everyone's life, that is except the POS he has taken up with.
Divorce still not filed, no money to do so. No agreement on the settlement. But going forward myself as best as I can right now. In time, things will change.
Survived anniversay day that was 10 days ago. Pretty smooth, think the fact that my fave BIL's birthday was the same day helped. Just about to see the day end when STBXH sent me a text, seemingly oblivious to the date. I simply told him that it was not a good day to discuss anything with me. When he asked why I suggested that he check the date. He must've because he replied with ok, next week then. Anyhow, I survived it.
Had a couple job interviews, nothing yet. Some days I feel so defeated on this front. Seems like so many things against me. I need real employment but it seems the self employed thing I did with STBXH, for 11 years, is biting me in the azz, more like chomping. Ugh!
Now looming ahead is Christmas. I am looking forward to the kids coming over. DD will stay with me until STBXH gets her ticket to fly to NJ. I'll be taking her to the airport when it's time. Not looking forward to that, at all.
Really cheeses me off, this financial pit I'm in because I am so restricted, heck, even unable, to give presents to anyone. It sucks, big time. Even making gifts is impossible because I can't get the supplies needed to create them. All I can come up with is printing each a special picture and composing heartfelt letters to each. I am determined to give them something that I hope means as much to them as it does me.
Hope that DD's time in NJ sees an attitude adjustment in her, for the better. Feels as if she keeps so much to herself, thinks she always has to be the strong one, that lately she has been acting out. Disrespect, ungrateful, uncooperative, teenage angst X 100.
STBXH and I have called a truce between us as a means of helping DD. Although, I think it would be better for her NOT to be staying with Dad's partner in crime in destroying the family. Me thinks it does not bode well. But, in DD's immortal words I must "suck it up and move ahead"!
And I'm still here. Not quite the same person as I was, but not quite through with the transformation. Damn, but this is hard work, just getting through the day.
I've done more than the occasional glance back, replaying some things in my mind's eye, looking at things with a perhaps more jaded perspective. Not major events, rather very small, seemingly inconsequential things that now make me go "hmmmm?!" Things that aren't really worthy of a second, closer look now.
Close to 48 hours since I received the 1st of 3 emails from Lieceratops. I think my silence, thus far, is making him squirm with discomfort, maybe even a touch of guilt, definitely apprehension, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it were. Have to admit that I am taking a certain modicum of delight in this. Not sure how long I should persist in this, as at some point I will need to acknowledge him, at least where the taxes, settlement agreement and the like are concerned. Maybe some time next week, even next month. All depends on me, I have control of that anyway.
I just read about your journey. You are really doing well. I love your attitude. You do have control and you will be sucessful I am sure. Hang in there! Good luck.
Or, he's simply not committed enough to you to stick with you during the down times. Your life might not be in danger from the tumor or surgery, but it seems like you will experience repercussions for an extended period (ongoing health issues, loss of income from being unable to work) that will impact his lifestyle negatively if he continues to stick around.
I am definitely not defending him, just making an observation from having been on the receiving end of similarly crappy treatment. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better.
Or, he's simply not committed enough to you to stick with you during the down times. Your life might not be in danger from the tumor or surgery, but it seems like you will experience repercussions for an extended period (ongoing health issues, loss of income from being unable to work) that will impact his lifestyle negatively if he continues to stick around.
I am definitely not defending him, just making an observation from having been on the receiving end of similarly crappy treatment. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better.
As sad as it is, that was one of my first thoughts when he chose to set himself upon this path. I have felt that he decided this course of action when the cash flow ceased, ie: my income producing ability. See, when we first met, I was gainfully employed and he wasn't. I had my own condo, he lived in his parents' garage. I had a car, he didn't and had lost his license to a DUI. (Now I see the pattern of red flags!).
Over the years though he became a viable contributor to the home, life and family we were building. He overcame, conquered even, so much and everytime I was right by his side with unflinching faith. I willingly sacrificed my job to be his partner in achieving his dream of a family biz.
There are a multitude of events, good and bad, in the story of us. Hurts that it seems to me that he has chosen to edit and rewrite that history.
Now here I am, attempting to completely reconstruct my life, beginning with employment.
Added the title of "Grandma"! She wasn't due until Aoril 12 but "made her escape" on Feb 5, exactly one week prior to my bday. After spending a bit over a month in the hospital, she is now at home. I was so blessed to be there when she made her grand entrance. For once, I was on the "list", allowed to be in the room. Leaving in the am to go and spend a few days with them and hold her for the first time ever!
Not So Good Stuff:
Still job hunting, not sure what the negative is with not getting a job, age, credit rating (the pits because of med bills, etc) or what.
Had to find another home for my beloved lab, hopefully I'll be reunited with her soon.
Really missing my DD. She's working hard, 2 jobs, to get her car but Lieceratops is becoming somewhat of a stumbling block, financially. Have reason to believe that it's her money that he sends me. Claims he doesn't make enough, after bills, to do what he offered. DD has told me that anytime I need $, she'll send it, but I refused. It's hers, she earned it to get a car. My thinking is once she has a car, etc she'll leave a trail of dust on her way back to Florida, but it just may be wishfully thinking.
Still no progress on the divorce. Have gotten legal advice re: settlement agreement, sent to STBXH now he's dragging his feet.
Mostly the days are a little better than just tolerable though the last few were not good ones at. Allowed myself to be sucked into a text discussion w/ Lie but I did very well at maintaining control of my desire to make snarky, sarcastic remarks. It was tough but I did it.
Continue to be utterly amazed that he keeps clinging to the "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" refrain. Just own up to the fact you cheated, live with the title and reputation you (he) earned.
Mostly the days are a little better than just tolerable though the last few were not good ones at. Allowed myself to be sucked into a text discussion w/ Lie but I did very well at maintaining control of my desire to make snarky, sarcastic remarks. It was tough but I did it.
I know mine has made it very hard to refrain and my adult children are getting tired of his behavior.
3Likes
Re: He dropped a bomb on me... 
gets her ticket to fly to NJ. I'll be taking her to the airport when it's time. Not looking forward to that, at all. 
