Confusing messages are killer - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-27-2015, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Confusing messages are killer

My 22 anniversary was this past Sat. I received flowers. Surprising, after my husband had told me Dec 12 and New Years Eve that he was moving out. He still hasn't moved out to this day. Still wears his wedding ring. Has not told any one but me this feeling of growing apart, which he decided himself sitting on the sofa for the last year having a chivas or 4 every night. Yes we have had big issues, an affair 7 years ago he had with an employee. He got fired from his job. We were determined to make it work, especially for our 2 small children. And we did succeed with them as they are in a much better place today. 14 and 17. Now I get the "we have grown apart" which it is true we didn't spend much time working on us. We both turned 50 last fall. My husband has taken it harder than I with the thinking life is short, we are on the downhill. He drinks every night. We go out, have good times and he still tells me he's thinking of moving out. Waiting for a good time. Is unsure if he should get an apartment or townhouse, how many bedrooms. Really???? The emotional roller coaster I'm on is cruel and unfair. There has been no intimacy in a long time, hugs, kisses, even still to this day! I have strong moments, have told him is cruel and to go!! I get down as I am very emotionally invested after 22 years of history and moving every 3 years to move him up the career ladder. This isn't healthy I know. Has to end somehow. Confused. . . .

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-27-2015, 04:12 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Go file for divorce then start dating other people so he gets a clue. He can't blame you for the divorce so make sure you guys make that clear with the lawyers before you try dating anyone.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-27-2015, 04:18 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Your timeline and history is sort of similar to mine, married a little over twenty years, my husband asked me to move out (same date, lol Dec 12), only we do not have kids. Our marriage has been troubled for a while, due in part to my chronic health issues, and more recently due to his emotional and physical decline. Still, even though I was daydreaming of a fresh start alone, I was shocked that he brought up the separation. I did move out, almost at once, and am so much happier, feel better, etc...for the past year I had chronic indigestion to go along with my permanent health issues. Now that is completely gone, after just six weeks.
We have not taken any legal steps yet, and email cordially when needed. But as far as I am concerned, I am ready to file when he has had more time to process things-he is not great with change and had been depressed for a long time. I guess he thought, or hoped, his life would improve if he had another chance-he too is just over fifty. I know he does not want a new wife or women...what he thinks he wants is a solo life, a move to Las Vegas, a chance to live like he did during his twenties...alone, sleeping, eating, working and watching sports. This was pretty much his life with me, but whatever, lol.

Anyway, sorry to ramble...but I really believe men have a harder time hitting middle age than women in many ways. Something else always looks greener. Sounds to me that other than any effect you are worried about with your kids, that you too might be better off on your own.

If you want him to move out, I would give him a deadline. If you want to work it out somehow, marriage counseling is probably a necessity. There really aren't too many options, except to go on as you are and that sounds to me like a bad option. Good luck...
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-31-2015, 04:41 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the

kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him

EXACTLY what he wants. He sees some different grandiose life after D.

As a TAM vet I can tell you, that VERY rarely ever comes to be

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-31-2015, 05:35 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

I read your other thread too. Do you think he is stilling pining away for the OW? After he got fired and you moved, what happened to the OW? Do you think they were still in contact? You state that he started drinking a lot more about a year ago. I was just thinking that maybe they were still in contact up until a year ago and maybe she finally dumped him.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

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Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
I read your other thread too. Do you think he is stilling pining away for the OW? After he got fired and you moved, what happened to the OW? Do you think they were still in contact? You state that he started drinking a lot more about a year ago. I was just thinking that maybe they were still in contact up until a year ago and maybe she finally dumped him.
I don't think so. I know they were still in contact after we moved for a while but she got frustrated with the fact that we moved very far away and it was over.

We are now however planning a separation. Told the kids today. It really sucks. He will start looking for a place tomorrow. Everyone seems to be doing fine but me. I hate that this is happening. He says things like he has never lived alone and wants to try. Hasn't been happy for the year. Will get a 6 mo lease. Who knows, maybe will not like it and be back in a month or will spend the entire 6 months and like being alone or who knows. He has no thoughts on what he hopes the outcome will be. I'm thinking will be an ok break. Nothing will change for the kids and I as far as living arrangements and such. Maybe I can learn some things about myself too. Maybe I will be happier with him gone? But it still is really hard and sucks!!!!!!
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the

kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him

EXACTLY what he wants. He sees some different grandiose life after D.

As a TAM vet I can tell you, that VERY rarely ever comes to be

He has never once mentioned divorce. Is very confused about what he wants. Wants to be a part of the family but wants to try living alone. Which is what he will do! Searching for an apartment tomorrow. I am trying to see this as a positive thing for me to, to see what I want for the rest of my life. I look forward to the day that I get to that "ok" place because right now it still really tears at my gut!!!
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:08 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

So he wants to be married in the kitchen but dine separately..... is that what YOU want?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

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Originally Posted by Jane139 View Post
Your timeline and history is sort of similar to mine, married a little over twenty years, my husband asked me to move out (same date, lol Dec 12), only we do not have kids. Our marriage has been troubled for a while, due in part to my chronic health issues, and more recently due to his emotional and physical decline. Still, even though I was daydreaming of a fresh start alone, I was shocked that he brought up the separation. I did move out, almost at once, and am so much happier, feel better, etc...for the past year I had chronic indigestion to go along with my permanent health issues. Now that is completely gone, after just six weeks.
We have not taken any legal steps yet, and email cordially when needed. But as far as I am concerned, I am ready to file when he has had more time to process things-he is not great with change and had been depressed for a long time. I guess he thought, or hoped, his life would improve if he had another chance-he too is just over fifty. I know he does not want a new wife or women...what he thinks he wants is a solo life, a move to Las Vegas, a chance to live like he did during his twenties...alone, sleeping, eating, working and watching sports. This was pretty much his life with me, but whatever, lol.

Anyway, sorry to ramble...but I really believe men have a harder time hitting middle age than women in many ways. Something else always looks greener. Sounds to me that other than any effect you are worried about with your kids, that you too might be better off on your own.

If you want him to move out, I would give him a deadline. If you want to work it out somehow, marriage counseling is probably a necessity. There really aren't too many options, except to go on as you are and that sounds to me like a bad option. Good luck...
WOW! Sounds so similar. He wants to try living alone. Says he never has his whole life. But who knows if he will like it or not and for how long. Planning on signing a 6 mo lease in a downtown area with lots of night life, sports arenas etc. I look forward to the day I feel better. Im still pretty sad and cant eat. I have older children, which is good as I can draw strength from them. Still suffering though.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

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So he wants to be married in the kitchen but dine separately..... is that what YOU want?
No, None of this is what I want. That's why its killing me.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:21 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

You can not control who you fall in love with but you can control how they

treat you. He is the only person responsible for his actions. You can in no way,

be held liable for them. Now... you are responsible for your own decisions.

You state you are in limbo he!!, no one deserves that. Take control

of YOU. Tell him what you want to happen and set your boundaries.

Go NC and implement the 180. I was there two years ago.... and as a guy,

I can relate all too well.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the

kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him

EXACTLY what he wants. He sees some different grandiose life after D.

As a TAM vet I can tell you, that VERY rarely ever comes to be
I did have to do it though, tell him today was the day and we were telling the kids. I don't know how long he would have let it go on and I couldn't continue. I want to be happy again.
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
You can not control who you fall in love with but you can control how they

treat you. He is the only person responsible for his actions. You can in no way,

be held liable for them. Now... you are responsible for your own decisions.

You state you are in limbo he!!, no one deserves that. Take control

of YOU. Tell him what you want to happen and set your boundaries.

Go NC and implement the 180. I was there two years ago.... and as a guy,

I can relate all too well.
I had to do it. I told him this morning I couldn't live this way. I was determined not to be afraid of fear and what was on the other side of my fear had to be better. I brought it up with the kids. He would have never done it. Says he will start looking for a place tomorrow. I don't know what he thinks its going to be like. He will rent some furniture for his one bedroom apartment he thinks he will get in a reviving downtown area.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Yep, gotta go 180. Get myself in a good place.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 08:52 PM
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Re: Confusing messages are killer

Going No Contact. And Staying No Contact. - ChumpLady.com

Just Let Them Go

The Healing Heart: The 180

read it, print it, live it

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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