Ok. I have done the "180" and each "stretch" gets a bit longer than the last. Several weeks ago I "proposed to my H" to please "Think about thinking about it" meaning please consider a reconciliation accompanied with counseling, total transparency, etc. He never responded. So today, (Easter) my son asked if I would please join he and his Dad for breakfast. I did and we had a nice time. I called my H after he got home to discuss some issues my son was having at school. I "went there" and asked him if he was going to consider a reconciliation. He got a bit rude, and said he was busy when I called. I got upset feeling once again "Put off," and told him we never have any resolution about anything.......so he finally said," I don't want to be married to you anymore! How's THAT for resolution?" He has told me this before. Why is it, that a guy whom I did not care for in the first place, a guy who has cheated and lied compulsively, etc. is someone I am attempting to get back? WTF? I realize I am "Losing," and that my ego is terribly bruised. I behaved quite badly and sent some really rude and desperate texts. (not the first time I have behaved in this manner) I WAS PATHETIC! I am so much smarter than this. WHY DO I KEEP UP THIS BEHAVIOR? I would feel GREAT if some of you would share some of your "uglier/desperate moments" just so I know I am not alone. I know better, and I WANT better. When will this end. We have not even filed for D yet. He lives in his own place but we agreed to file once the house gets on the market/sells. Is my putting it off hurting me in the long run? He is giving us his paycheck and I don't want that to end. Also, we HAVE had little dates and he seems to quite enjoy them. Then he walks away from them saying he is "confused." Here is one more strange point..........My kids and I were invited to a baseball game today and when my H found out about a week ago, he attempted to get a ticket in the same section as us. SAID he was attending alone! Again, WTF? I asked him if he had intentionally tried to get near us and he said, "Yeah, I didn't want to feel left out." WHAT THE HECK? I realize this was rambling and appreciate any and all loving and CANDID feedback. Happy Easter to each and every one of you
maybe your husband and mine know each other or have the same counselor. H wants to be included in every thing and I must admit, I have not been good about being apart. I am so afraid that if I let him think I am ok without him, he will not even try anymore, but I just sent him a stupid goodnight text. AHHHH
Thank you! Hope you had a happy Easter as well. I had a very nice dinner with two of my children. Everyone is too old for egg hunts though.
As for your post, I do completely understand. I did much the same for at least a year after my estranged husband moved out. Some of your behavior is identical to what I did. I was a destroyed person and still am to some extent. My self-esteem was at an all time low. However, now I fully understand why my husband behaved as he did. He had plenty of women and money. He was draining our business to pay for his "sex habit". As long as he kept me twisting in the wind, he played on my emotions--And he kept "cake eating". He NEVER had any intentions of reconciliation. You may want to find a good therapist and figure out what mind games are being played. It sounds as though he is being quite the puppet master. It's not a fun place to be.
Thanks sadand and 827Aug. I hate you guys have gone through this as well. It sucks. I ended up texting my H a nice text apologizing and telling him I was sorry for my hateful rants and that I knew it would never work, but just felt bad throwing in the proverbial towel, and giving up. I said a few more nice things as did he. I said, "A girl can dream can't she?" And he responded,"I was more like a nightmare than a dream" talking about himself. I assured him he did more good than harm, and he returned the sentiment. I told him my ego was badly bruised, and I could not beg or bully someone who did not want to be with me. I told him it "takes two" and both parties need to be willing and motivated. I told him I wished we could repair all the hurt and pain, reconcile, and be glad we did so. He replied that he felt the hurt was not repairable. Oh well, at least we CAN be civil. I feel some day we may be able to be great friends, but we think it will take a while. I wish you both luck, and "happy healing."
Ok. Time for the proverbial slap upside the head (it's good for you) LOL
NO more "dates." NO more "walks." NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE asking him if he's down with a reconciliation! No more asking him what he thinks, what he feels, does he want to come over.
From now on you LIMIT yourself to only speak ing to him about co-parenting.
Kcrat, you are digging yourself in a hole and you KNOW it.
Explaination: Think back to your school days--remember that guy in school who was SO into you and you SO were not but you didn't tell him so cause you didn't want to hurt his feelings yet you liked the attention (hello, ego boost) plus, come on...it was nice to ahve someone sooo into you. Cut ein a depserate way, right? Remember when you finally got the message to him you didn't want nada to do w/ him? And he would NOT relent. And at first it was endearing and then it quickly turned...gross...desperate...and then you started to pity him, feel sad for hin, and then you lost all respect for him which in the end totally turned you off?
That is how your husband sees you right now.
STOP giving him all your power.
In this case, my advice would be to write him a letter explaining you have done somethinking and realized he wants out and you are not going to hold him against his will. That he is free. That you married for life but realize that he wants to go and you respect his decision because "LOVE MUST BE FREE." This will make him see you are finally respecting yourself, that you are letting him go (getting released after tryin to fight for it so long is going to feel WEIRD for him, trust me) and it's going to throw him for a loop that you are not pining for him anymore--TRUST ME. He is going to see you don't need him--sure you would LIKE to be married but you don't NEED to be married to him, not in the current state he is in. And most important-it frees YOU to find a path where you're not waiting for the shoe to drop, it gives YOU your power back and...wait for it... it gets back your self-respect.
Originally Posted by Kcrat
...so he finally said," I don't want to be married to you anymore! How's THAT for resolution?" He has told me this before. Why is it, that a guy whom I did not care for in the first place, a guy who has cheated and lied compulsively, etc. is someone I am attempting to get back? WTF?
WTF, indeed. Nobody likes to *feel* rejected. So imagine if he were ALL ove ryou saying how badly he needs you, that he's a f-ck up and what can he do and will you consider reconciling and him doing everything you're doing? Would you REALLY want him back knowing what you know about him? The feeling you HAVE is BECAUSE of the fact he's running away. It's human nature to want what you can't have.
And like my pal always says: NEVER chase after a dog that is running away from you.
Oh and you wanted to hear stories of dumb things we've done...? I have some pretty embarassing and humiliating stories. Looking back I wish I would have detached straight away, gotten a lawyer and told h8im, cool... you want a divorce--no problem mon, instead of being there for him, sleeping with him, going on "little dates" and what not. The day I got served with D papers--I called him SCREAMING at him asking him i there was anything else I should know, was he going to send me something else? SOOOO stupid. I should have gotten the D papers quietly and moved on. He prob thought I was a nut and it made things worse in his mind, no doubt.
Also, sleeping with him and asking him afterwards, Well what are we going to do? How can we fix it and him saying he "didn't know." Shoulda told him to leave so he could figure it out. Didn't though. I finally starting getting some power back end of summer last yr, early fall and then the final reclaiming of it was this year when I told him, You want out, go--but I won't be here anymore. Love should be free. So either you give me 100% committment or I am gone. Good luck.
We divorced but I KNOW he thinks about what I said. He never ever thought I would let go. He won the battle, but lost the war for sure.
@Jellybeans I was waiting on you Jellybeans. You DID NOT DISAPPOINT! You said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You hit me "upside the head" and I needed that! I have been either "foot loose and fancy free," or a "Pathetic, needy, obnoxious, MESS" of a woman. I truly feel schizophrenic. I get on my OWN nerves! LOL. I DID text him last night as I mentioned in my post, that I could no longer "Beg or bully him back" and I knew it would never work. I surrendered, but I have said that type of thing before. It changes like our Texas weather! The latest, (today) is that I convinced him to finally go to a therapist for IC and he agreed. I did this for my kids too. I want them to feel better about their dad, and I want their dad to be a better man. I KNOW I KNOW! There I go trying to control everything again!!!!! Selfishly I think it will make me feel better if he is held accountable by a professional. This guy he wants to go back to has already told my H (in a very non threatening, professional manner) that he has no integrity. WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION! This has SO stuck with my husband and really made him think. I told my husband that I too, want to get some IC for my bad points like being a controlling, emotional bully! Yep, I too have had clarity about MY role in all this mess! My biggest problem is that I NOW see my wrong doings so clearly now, and find I want a chance to fix it.........To better myself, work on the marriage, and "see what happens." BUT, don't think this guy will change, and quite frankly I don't know if I can either. I just keep romanticizing things.
Thank you SO much!!!! I also appreciate you sharing your story. It's all "20/20" after the dust settles isn't it? I wish you such happiness. I am sure you are still reeling from all you have been through since you have only been divorced a matter of weeks. The best of luck to you. You have FANTASTIC insights and it is greatly appreciated. Keep on keeping on
kcrat - I would share my stories. But there's just too much to type out at this point! lol I feel like daily I slip up and end up pushing him away by finding a stupid reason to call or text him. And then I end up talking or texting about "us" and wondering where we are headed and what's going to happen to "us". I will start a 180 and then end up screwing it up so badly. It's really embarrassing, I must sound so desperate and needy. Every night I go to bed thinking that I will NOT do the same thing tomorrow. So...once again I'm going to bed tonight feeling like tomorrow is a great day to start a 180 and stick to it
UGH!!! Three years later and I still cannot believe some of the embarrassing things my ex and I said or our actions towards one another. There is hurt which my heart will forget, but I believe we have forgiven each other for the majority of our undesirable behaviors which took place at the beginning of our divorce.
The begging sucks. Unfounded hope sucks. The wanting..... Well, it sucks, too. All of the desperate emotions you feel are natural, but hurt you like hell. I went through all of that with my wife. It was horrible, and I lost a ton of self respect. I may never forgive myself.
Today is better. My wife moved out a little over a week ago. We had to spend this past weekend together. It was nice when we werten't at each other's throats. We camped out in the living room of our rental hose. We're getting it ready for another renter. We woke up at three AM and talked for a long time about her job.
Went out for breakfast later in the morning. During the conversation, I told her that I could never reconcile with her. I could never trust her, and didn't want waste my life worried about whether she was happy or running around on me. I told her I was ready to start dating. She said she'd give me a "Good in bed" letter of reference. Thanks, honey!
We have to be friends, but I will never forgive her for the affair. She killed part of me through her actions, a part of me I may never get back. Tough ****, honey.
Get hard, OP. Get hard and stick with it. Look out for you, and realize that he is not the best thing for you. He's not even good for you. Don't lose sight od whatever good there was, but feel that hate freely. The husband you loved died. He drowned in another woman, leaving a shadow of himself behind. Move on.
That is the worst part for me, there are no recriminations except about his leaving. We don't fight, we are great companions, love our kids, don't have financial worries..He says he is not happy. He doesn't know what he is looking for, just feels he can't get it here. I want to give it to him, whatever it is, but right now, he wants the break. So I am trying to let him have it, but worry all the time he will think I am ok with the separation. So for now, I just send essential messages about the kids, etc. Will see him at MC on Thursday, cry every time I go home.