Ok so this is my first post so I will try to explain it the best i can. My wife and I would of been Married 3 years on 11/26/2011 this year. We have been through alot during our relationship. I was iraq for the first year and during our engagement. When I had came home on leave in 2008 I took her virginity and we had gotten engaged. I never knew I took her virginity until after she left me and told me. She said she was embarrassed and made a story about having sex once before me. Well once I got back from Iraq on 11/26/08 we got married that day. We had a few terrible months at the beginning because i was dealing with PTSD and she was only 18 and I was 20, so we were still kids and never knew how things were. Just around 9 months after we got married our first son was born. During this time we lived with her grand parents due to financial issues. We moved to a place in the country and hated it because of issues with the house. Soon after our first son she got pregnant again. This time it was bad, she went into labor about 3-4 months early and had to stay in the hospital for a about a month or so until he was safe to be born. He was born 2 months premature. He later passed on and grew his wings on 11/20/2010, six days before our anniversary and around thanksgiving. We rarely talked about this because she does not like to show her emotions. Well then we moved out of that house to another place in the country we loved. This is where things started being bad. She left me and told me things would never work. Well after about 3 weeks she told me she needed her space... I know she is talking to other men and has told me she cant be exclusive to just one man anymore. I also know she is grieving and is trying to find herself and find independence. She has told me she does not love me anymore although the other night I was rushed to the ER after mentioning suicide home alone and drinking and taking my Valium. She called to make sure I was getting better but has told me to move on. All I really want to know is may she just be acting out from depression and is trying to find herself and could come home eventually. I know she has said alot of hateful things and she would of told me if she was cheating. She said she just wants to talk to men as platonic friends and she don't want that right now. I would do anything to have her back and would forgive her even if she slept with other people during our break, the only thing is she wants a divorce as of now... But is there any hope at all. I will always love her and take care of her and my son even if we are not together. And I have told her I would always care about her. All I want to know is do I need to have any hope? Even if its far down the road after she feels she has grown up herself...
Sorry I forgot some information...
Oh I forgot she is still on my phone account, she helps pay it but she does that, she asked me to take her cats back, she has not came and gotten all her processions, and she has asked me to get her ring back out of the pawn shop (we had a unexpected bill and needed money so we pawned our rings). Also she has told me she loved me after leaving and now says she doesn't... She also has show about 70% of all the symtoms of Bi Polar and has a akward way of dealing with stress. She believes people who are depressed are weak and she never shows emotion.
And today we had to talk on the phone about our sons headstone and I started to cry a little and so did she but instantly quit crying and got somewhat angry and wanted to end the call...
Davies firstly sorry about your boy. I can not imagine the grief that causes you or her nor will I try to. I hate to say it though but with that happening and then this starting up she is not going to be honest with you. You are tied in with the pain she is feeling. She is seeking comfort from other men. There is nothing platonic about a mother losing her son and instead of talking to the father about it talking to other men. Even if nothing physical is happeningit is a huge betrayal and will lead to it being completley over.
You can not force her into counciling, you can however seek counciling for yourself. She needs to see you grow stronger. Maybe then she will be able to process her grief. Right now you can not worry about her and get the help you need for yourself and your older boy. And if you want to stay with her you are going to have to start working on forgiving her now because I am 90% sure by the time you guys get there , there will be things to forgive.
Well she had told me that right now she cannot be pleased by one person, and that what she is doing is none of my business. She also changed her facebook back to her maiden name deleted and blocked me and set her status to single.
Ouch sorry to hear that brother,who has the boy. You or her? She sounds like she is on a very very self destructive path, if you can at all try to get your boyfull time if you don't already. I know you don't want to but start up your end of the paperwork and get all that in order. Do not assist her in menial things such as taking the cats back. If she tries to throw the but you love me card (they never do it directly but she will get angry) tell her you understand she is angry but you have to start thinking of you and your child's future. If she wants something fromyouI highly recomend telling her that door is cosed unless she is in individual counciling and is willing to go to marriage counciling.
Any pushing, chasing etc by you right now is only going to justify her more. You can't force her to see the truth. You can offfer it but only she can accept it. Whatever you do do not invalidate her feelings. I am pretty sure you think she is making the wrong choice. You can not say that directly. You need to pull away right now and with the recent actions that means quit supporting ehr finacialy except in whatever way the lawyer adivses you to. You need to get in and start talking to a lawyere ASAP.
Well I am in the process of getting all the divorce papers together, and we are doing joint custody, i will have him half the week and she will too. I mean is there even a small glimmer of hope that after she unleashes all her emotions on this "space/divorce" that she could come home? I mean we both pay the phone bill together. I know she is angry and I wont lie I did alot wrong too but I feel this is her coping with all her emotions as she has always ran away from problems... She says she don't even want to be friends, but sometimes she is still sweet yet distant and sometimes she is hateful and angry... I mean I love her and always will, i know its hard to move on and i am trying but I am the one home alone while she is staying with family.
My case isn't nearly as tramatic as yours but if you are looking for that type of answers 9years and she is no longe rin lvoe with me is my story. There is hope, but you got to do the military thing expect the worse and hope for the best.
IF you were out on patrol you wouldn't take the bare minimum of ammo because the CO said their was no enemy in the area, you would take a full load and hope you don't need to use it.
Same thing here. Is there a chance she will come back sure, can you count on it not at all. You need to do you and your child.
Personaly I wouldn't allow her partial custody atm with everything that has happened with you two of late I don'tthink I could trust her alone if she got depressed and he was the only one around. That is my personal opinion mind you, but that is it.
Well she wont let me have him, except on my days. Also when she left she only took her clothes not really anything of our sons. She has alot still at home and to be honest I think she may never come home but I wish she would.
Hence why I am saying lawyer up. it doesn't matter what she says she will let you have and what she won't let you have. She is walking out on you your not walking out on her. For legal paperwork you are in the position of power, (well in most states) She took some of her clothes and I am assuming some of the kids clothes but left almost everything else behind (well she took the cats but now they are to much of a burden as well.)
Trust me I know its hard to do but quit worrying about how she is going to handle things and your actions. Do what is in your best interests not hers. She ahs already gaven upon you(yes there is always hope for reconciliation) she is already looking out for no one but herself, why should you continue to worry about her. Yes I know you love her and hurts you not to but by still trying to help her after she has abandoned you you are just prolonging the pain.
I am not a lawyer I can not give you legal advice, however neither is she and she walked out on you. She doesn't get to dictate how you are going to deal with it. She doesn't get that privelage. Don'tlet her continue to use as a doormat even after she is gone.
See the only thing is I am trying to keep it simple and let my JAG lawyer write up a divorce papers that we agree on, cause before we got married I had a dirty past and she has threatened to expose me to get me into trouble and lose my son. So I am trying to keep it safe and let her be happy. I asked if we could do separation papers and she said no I want a divorce. I know its over for now, but I mean come on I was her first true love, took her virginity and her husband and children father... Doesn't that help me out maybe months from now or even years? I am not wanting to look again just for the fact she might come home some day... Plus I cant find a woman who is attractive to me like my wife... But yes I cant afford a lawyer and her family can.... She cant afford it alone but she would get her way with family and a lawyer. I mean hell I still pay all our house bills while she is staying with family with none. I dont know I am ready to give up but in the process i cant move on...
Nice guy is right. I am so sorry you two have been through so much in your young lives. I am glad you are in counseling for your PTSD. I go for depression, and I am coming to accept that it is a disease, not my weakness. If she has bi-polar and isn't getting treatment, you need to talk that over with your counselor and maybe your lawyer. This isn't about keeping her happy, it's about keeping your little one safe. That has to be your priority. I know your vows said, "In sickness and in health," and it sounds like you want to make good on your word. Problem is, you can't control her. Maybe ask your counselor how you can do an intervention with family and friends to get her to go for help for bi-polar. Just an idea. They do that with alcoholics and other disorders. Perhaps if she knew that family members don't blame her for being mentally ill, she might open to the idea? Does she blame you for PTSD, or recognize that you have it? So much on your plate. Praying for you and her. And little guy. Hang in there, but don't blame yourself. And no suicide. Absolutely off the table. Keep writing. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for being there for your son when your wife either won't or can't. You are way too important. We can't lose you. Not kidding.
That might be something else you want to talk to your lawyer about. The past part that is and her threatening to drag it out in the open. As far as an actual lawyer forthe proceedings some of them work on retainers or have payment plans.Like I said I understand the not wanting to give up I really do. In some ways I am in the same boat as you, but things didn't start getting better with mySTBX?!?till I started taking care of me and proved I don'tneed her.You don't need her you just really want her. The line is fine but it is there.
Your story is riddled with red flags though both for the TAM forum posters and a for a clinical physcologist.
I understand the wanting to keep it simple as well but you can't allow her to threaten you, blackmail you etc and soforth. It really is in your best interest with everything going on to start talking to lawyers that have free consultations. Write up a list of this stuff you are worried about to ask them questions about. Find one thatis going to best represent your personal interests. Your Jag lawyer is not allowed to try civily which is what a divorce proceeding is all s/he can do is advise so your going to have to look into it anyways because by the sounds of it she is not going to play nice and her telling you she is is her taking advantage of you again.
Well we have made agreements on all of the divorce we are doing joint custody half weeks each and she only wants her car and nothing else, she does not want a dirty divorce and jag lawyers can help with normal agreed divorces, so that's why we are going that route. She has told me that she only wants her car and every time I mention something about just anything about us or taking her phone away she tells me she will take everything from me (basically even my shoes!) and that's why I am so crippled and just letting it into agreement and trying to resolve this peacefully. I want her home you know and I have tried to do everything to get it, all i have left to do is let her be and let her find her own way. And on the Bi-Polar issue I have mentioned it to her family and they told me she deals with things herself and she don't think she has a illness. She also thinks ptsd and depression makes you weak and she says she is not weak even though she has anger issues she says anger does not make you weak...
Ohhh and also I know she has told me to move on but I still love her no matter what she does... I would let her come home even after "experiencing" life if you know what i mean, she is honestly all i have her and my son and being home alone when he is not here is the hardest part, that and not feeling someone else's breath in my bed.
And your right my little guy does need me and that's why I am here, cause that night I was drinking and took all my Valium I had my shotgun loaded beside me and my son was the only thing holding me back. That's why I kept drinking was to try and forget my inhibitions, but my mom and the police got there in time to get me to the hospital to think about what I was doing. And I wont lie I still wish I would die, but I cant do it to myself. Its just like i wonder what would happen if i got into a huge car wreck or had a heart attack what she would do? Or if she would even care... And lastly even if we do get divorced I am still going to have my life insurance 50% for her 50% for my son cause she will need the help raising him if I ever do pass and no kid needs 400k when they turn 18/21 but I cant and promise I wont kill myself even though the thought is there. It was just Easter yesterday and I was home alone for the first holiday since she left me...