Staying married..Living separately
. That pretty much sums up my own situation.
My husband often says "We're not separated, we're just living apart". He points out that there are many successful marriages where two households are maintained but both people still love each other and stay married. I can't disagree with that. Usually it's done due to career choices but for us it's a matter of maintaining each of our sanity.
Sounds bizarre, eh?
But that is pretty much the way it is. We disagree on quite a few things about the nature of our relationship but one thing we both agree on is that living apart was/is the BEST thing that came out of all the events that transpired in our lives in the past year. Best for us a couple, best for our family and best for our own lives both together and apart.
Fact is, I love having my own place and calling the shots in my day to day life. Even when things were good with us in our marriage we drove each other crazy sharing the same household. My husband feels the same way.
In many ways we just aren't compatible when it comes to LIVING with each other. Chalk it up to being two different people who are similar in that we are both strong willed, stubborn, independent people who don't like answering to anyone else. Personally, I'm not sure I can live with anyone
ever again. I just LIKE having my own place!
Until recently I thought that this was a situation that was temporary and in about 6 years when my both my kids are out of school and out of the house (they live with me in my apartment right now), my husband and I would move back in with one another, if only to share living expenses and not maintain two separate households. Fiscally this seemed logical.
But lately things have happened that have reinforced in me that we just can't or shouldn't be living with one another. As it stands now I'm pretty much convinced that I'll be keeping my own place even once the kids are on their own. If/when I ask my husband if we'll ever live with each other he says "I don't know but as it stands now we'd tear each other apart".
IMO He's right. Things ARE better in many ways right now between us but I'm convinced that if we moved in together things would go right back to where they were before we separated. In fact, it might be worse now that we've experienced independent living.
Having two households works very well for us both practically and emotionally. Living in an apartment I don't have access to a lot of things I need (a place to park and service my work truck, someplace wash and work on my Jeep, storage space for a lot of my stuff, a place for our family to gather for holidays, etc). His having a house alleviates many of the problems I have with apartment living.
Conversely his house is in a town with a lousy school system and my apartment is where there is one of the best school systems in the state so that works for our kids going to school.
So why do we stay married? Well, we still love each other and enjoy each other's company..We want to be with each other but not all the time. I don't see the point of divorcing someone I love and want to be with. We have problems still but until there is a resolution one in one direction or another..be it we grow closer together or drift apart I think the best thing is to stay and continue living separately.
I don't know what will change first. Guess only time will tell but for now it's what we do.
I guess our biggest problem is determining the nature of our relationship. Now that my husband is sober and functional I had hoped we could start over and "date"..be boyfriend-girlfriend. He seems to want me to be his buddy and be platonic. That is where our conflict lies now. But that's for another thread.