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Old 10-05-2008, 09:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

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I don't think so Voivod. Even only ONE thing overnight? Nope. Anything takes time, several takes much longer! Yes, get it in writing, and make it clear you will BE GONE. FOREVER. it won't happen, girl; not from what I've read. Prepare yourself to get on with your life.

I think a better way to say it is that things like that have to be proven over time, so they build trust and prove it isn't gaming to keep someone hanging on.

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Old 10-05-2008, 10:18 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

dcrim...
SEE...you VERIFIED!!! Don'y trust me!
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:52 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

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I don't think so Voivod. Even only ONE thing overnight? Nope. Anything takes time, several takes much longer! Yes, get it in writing, and make it clear you will BE GONE. FOREVER. it won't happen, girl; not from what I've read. Prepare yourself to get on with your life.

i'm my own focus group. i quit cigarettes, drinking, cocaine overnight. maybe i was never addicted, but i could find lotsa people who say i was.
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Old 10-06-2008, 11:59 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

I have an update on my situation:

Yesterday was an overall good day. We even went to church with the baby that morning and got SO much inspiration out of it. We are civil and not fighting when around each other. I am not being affectionate on purpose. Well last night we were watching a movie after the baby went to bed. He wanted to rub my feet (I would love that usually but I said no thanks). I don't want to give him affection because my heart is not in it...I have fallen out of love. I have hope that I may fall back in love. After too many broken hearts and promises I guess that is what happens.

He decides to go to the store late at night. While I am outside smoking a cigarette I see him pull in the driveway. He sits and waits for over 4 minutes. I went to see what was wrong. As I opened the passenger side door, I see him stash a miniature vodka bottle. I see a brown paperbag full of about 6 miniature bottles. I shut the door! Livid, I came in the house and locked the door.

(btw, voivod, I hadn't shown him the 'i Demand' paper yet. It was still on my desk. I gave it to him while we were going rounds)

Earlier that night I even said, "I have hope, Jason. All the nice things you are doing for me are giving me hope and I love how nice you're being, I am not used to it and it feels good. Thank you!! It gives me hope to keep on working with you, But it doesnt take away from the bigger issues at hand." his reply, "I don't want to F**king talk about it. thats what we always talk about!"


3 weeks ago when he quit he blamed his alcohol on being violent, angry, and saying the wrong thing! He quit three weeks ago. I asked him why he was drinking that night. He said "becuase none of this is worth it. I have lost hope." and "I'm so lonely". TO ME that sounds like an alcoholic. When you drink as a crutch or for negative reasons, or to replace emotions...?

anyway we went rounds. I was calm, upset, disappointed. Because if I wasn't around he would waste away and I told him that. He said I needed to earn his respect back. That I've been in the wrong and tried to place blame where it didn't belong.

Mind you, the counselor did not tell me what I needed to improve. He told my husband to communicate TO ME right away. Because he claimed that he's been upset for months and I had no clue. He said he was drinking and upset that that is why he is violent. WTF he is impossible!! The counselor gave him some advise to practice. It just goes in the works for the first couple days....then its the same ol' bs.

please help! is this worth it? I am giving him a fighting chance. I want him to live happily. God knows I will live happy again whatever it takes~!!!
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Old 10-06-2008, 12:21 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Move out with the baby and do not go back unless he Joins AA and can stay sober for a few months. Otherwise this becomes a cycle. He will break you again and again, you deserve better and deep down you know it. Also there is no reason for children to be around an alcoholic.

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Old 10-06-2008, 12:52 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I am crying abit....reading that leave him bit. Cuz...HE has to leave...we live with my dad. I gave him 30 days to get out (NOV 1). Also, I can hardly recommend that he quit drinking. His whole family drinks, my dad drinks with him (I have never seen my dad violent all growing up when drinking. I know he doesn't use it as a crutch either!!). Also, I drink every now and then, not daily. Just during bar-b-q's and a couple with friends. How can I demand that he quit? He doesn't even accept that he has a problem with it anymore. He admitted it a couple times but has changed his mind to "It was just to catch a buzz" AND MY DAD SUPPORTS THAT!
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Old 10-06-2008, 01:28 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I am crying abit....reading that leave him bit. Cuz...HE has to leave...we live with my dad. I gave him 30 days to get out (NOV 1). Also, I can hardly recommend that he quit drinking. His whole family drinks, my dad drinks with him (I have never seen my dad violent all growing up when drinking. I know he doesn't use it as a crutch either!!). Also, I drink every now and then, not daily. Just during bar-b-q's and a couple with friends. How can I demand that he quit? He doesn't even accept that he has a problem with it anymore. He admitted it a couple times but has changed his mind to "It was just to catch a buzz" AND MY DAD SUPPORTS THAT!
When ever you need alcohol, rely on it to relax, it changes your mood etc. then you have a problem. If you have a problem the WORST thing you can do is drink. My F-I-L is an alcoholic, 20 years sober and fell of the wagon. Boy didn't he change in those six months. His family didn't want to be around him, at christmas last year we packed up the kids and left because of how bad he was. He is back to being sober and thank God for AA.

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Old 10-06-2008, 03:16 PM   #23 (permalink)
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so should I quit drinking? Since I realized that alcohol was affecting me negatively. I have stopped until I know I am stable minded. I don't think I can make him quit. My dad doesn't think he has to! My dad is no role model when it comes to drinking. But he is not a bad guy when he drinks either. Just a little funny and abnoctious. Our friends think he used to drink TOO much. 1/3 of 1/5 per day.

We moved back here from florida a little over a year ago. I used to be the main breadwinner. I worked for the phone company as a DSL Tech. Made good money. I got layed off when I was 4 months pregnant. He stayed at home playing online, sometimes porn, and video games. He was trying to get his onsite computer repair company off the ground. (Now in NM it has taken off quite well and is more stable than ever before) Moved back here when our daughter was 10 months old. I would have left him after the hot coffeepot incident (YES it was hot). But I didn't want to abandoned all I worked so hard for (my home, baby items, furniture, electronics, home entertainment center). Maybe a little materialistic. So it was my plan to move back here to NM. My belongings are here and now I have friends and family and support here. After a year I have finally worked up courage to leave (I Think?!)

am I beating a dead horse? Most of u say DIVORCE.


I guess I am scared. My feelings are all mixed up. I have been giving him a fighting chance because it seems its the right thing to do since i gave birth to his daughter and we've spent close to a decade together. BUT IS IT? and why?

When I read some of the posts of the men who are seperated on here, and how willing they are to work on their issues. I get sad. But I have respect for you guys. Even if he does the work, will I be here waiting? should I? I am also sad because I don't even want to kiss him anymore and so what if he fixes all these things. IS THERE HOPE THAT I WILL ONE DAY WANT TO KISS HIM OR LOVE HIM AGAIN?

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Old 10-06-2008, 04:58 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

niki,
just keep this in mind:

love is a verb.

ok, just roll that around in your head.
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Old 10-06-2008, 05:10 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

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so should I quit drinking? Since I realized that alcohol was affecting me negatively. I have stopped until I know I am stable minded. I don't think I can make him quit. My dad doesn't think he has to! My dad is no role model when it comes to drinking. But he is not a bad guy when he drinks either. Just a little funny and abnoctious. Our friends think he used to drink TOO much. 1/3 of 1/5 per day.

We moved back here from florida a little over a year ago. I used to be the main breadwinner. I worked for the phone company as a DSL Tech. Made good money. I got layed off when I was 4 months pregnant. He stayed at home playing online, sometimes porn, and video games. He was trying to get his onsite computer repair company off the ground. (Now in NM it has taken off quite well and is more stable than ever before) Moved back here when our daughter was 10 months old. I would have left him after the hot coffeepot incident (YES it was hot). But I didn't want to abandoned all I worked so hard for (my home, baby items, furniture, electronics, home entertainment center). Maybe a little materialistic. So it was my plan to move back here to NM. My belongings are here and now I have friends and family and support here. After a year I have finally worked up courage to leave (I Think?!)

am I beating a dead horse? Most of u say DIVORCE.


I guess I am scared. My feelings are all mixed up. I have been giving him a fighting chance because it seems its the right thing to do since i gave birth to his daughter and we've spent close to a decade together. BUT IS IT? and why?

When I read some of the posts of the men who are seperated on here, and how willing they are to work on their issues. I get sad. But I have respect for you guys. Even if he does the work, will I be here waiting? should I? I am also sad because I don't even want to kiss him anymore and so what if he fixes all these things. IS THERE HOPE THAT I WILL ONE DAY WANT TO KISS HIM OR LOVE HIM AGAIN?
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here...

When a child is involved in a family with an alcoholic, I say "seperate" for now. Just to see if he will change. Not every relationship can be saved mind you. And when it comes to the little ones, a safe home is needed at all costs. Granted, I did not see if you said he was unstable around them. But you need to be safe than sorry.

I would do these things here:

1) Get him out and away from the children. Tell him you love him, but he needs help. Seperation is best for now.

2) He will need to hit rock bottom before he gets betters. Keep this in mind. This can be scary. He will call, come over late at night, etc. once he sees you mean business. Be prepared at all times. This could get messy.

3) Ask him to join AA and keep you up to date. If he has proven himself for a few months, only then would I consider him in your life again.

4) If you decide to let him back nto your life, take it slooooowly. Do not let him move back in right away. Date nights away from the kids is best. Places without alcohol.

As far as your drinking is concerned, It may be wise for you to hold of a bit also. Your dad will be the undoing of him as well. You will need to figure out a better living siutation if your dad will be around him drinking or having alcohol in the house. For alcoholics, it is one day at a time. This is a daily fight they take on. You will need to be as strong as he is.

Best of luck.
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Old 10-07-2008, 02:53 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

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Even if he does the work, will I be here waiting? should I? I am also sad because I don't even want to kiss him anymore and so what if he fixes all these things. IS THERE HOPE THAT I WILL ONE DAY WANT TO KISS HIM OR LOVE HIM AGAIN?
I think you know the answers to your questions, now it is understanding them and fulfilling them.

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Old 10-07-2008, 03:03 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

you know, one thing i like about the separation idea is this:

it allows the "leaver" the chance to prove to themselves, and more importantly the "left," that you can do it, financially, emotionally, etc.

maybe separate during this healing time, make sure his commitments are followed through on, the reunite when he has proven to you his commitment.

what harm is done in that way? MAKE HIM SIGN A G****M CONTRACT AND LET HIM KNOW, ONE F***-UP, WE'RE DONE!

Oh yeah, he has a disease, don't have alcohol around him. but remember, he has a responsibility to that end too. AA and i will disagree on this, but you are not responsible for his sobriety. you shouldn't have to walk on egg shells. if you want a drink with your friends, you should be allowed. and just be aware, if you go this far, many experts feel that al-anon (good program) has been infiltrated by a "relationship busting" movement (uh-oh, here come the defenders of the faith)
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Old 10-07-2008, 09:05 AM   #28 (permalink)
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I haven't read each post here, but can quite quickly come to the conclusion that you should leave or get a divorce. You are on here making an effort to understand things, and I applaud you for that. Do you think he's trying like that? Trying to change or improve - it sure doesn't sound like it.

This will sound bad, but I posted a yesterday thinking my marriage was about to end over a miscommunication fight and both of us being selfish. The stuff your husband has done and the traits he has are incredibly harmful to you and your daughter and it doesn't sound like he's about to turn the corner. You already live with your Dad so it's not like you'll be out on the street. Can you get a court order or something to kick him out because of violence around a small child?
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Old 10-07-2008, 09:33 AM   #29 (permalink)
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last week he yelled when he was mad, "our lives would be perfect if it wasnt for this f*****g kid. OOOOO..

You and your child would do much better without a f'n father and husband like that. It is bad enough that he hits you, but to take it out on a poor little child is so awful.
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Old 10-07-2008, 02:36 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I think you know the answers to your questions, now it is understanding them and fulfilling them.
I keep going back and fourth. I'm not yet fixed on any one idea. I do not trust him. But I don't want a broken home. My heart is in it one day and so far away the next.

We are still seperating and will be residing in different locations for now.

(PS: Sry my posts are so long. Just spilling my guts helps sometimes. lol)
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