I have an update on my situation:
Yesterday was an overall good day. We even went to church with the baby that morning and got SO much inspiration out of it. We are civil and not fighting when around each other. I am not being affectionate on purpose. Well last night we were watching a movie after the baby went to bed. He wanted to rub my feet (I would love that usually but I said no thanks). I don't want to give him affection because my heart is not in it...I have fallen out of love. I have hope that I may fall back in love. After too many broken hearts and promises I guess that is what happens.
He decides to go to the store late at night. While I am outside smoking a cigarette I see him pull in the driveway. He sits and waits for over 4 minutes. I went to see what was wrong. As I opened the passenger side door, I see him stash a miniature vodka bottle. I see a brown paperbag full of about 6 miniature bottles. I shut the door! Livid, I came in the house and locked the door.
(btw, voivod, I hadn't shown him the 'i Demand' paper yet. It was still on my desk. I gave it to him while we were going rounds)
Earlier that night I even said, "I have hope, Jason. All the nice things you are doing for me are giving me hope and I love how nice you're being, I am not used to it and it feels good. Thank you!! It gives me hope to keep on working with you, But it doesnt take away from the bigger issues at hand." his reply, "I don't want to F**king talk about it. thats what we always talk about!"
3 weeks ago when he quit he blamed his alcohol on being violent, angry, and saying the wrong thing! He quit three weeks ago. I asked him why he was drinking that night. He said "becuase none of this is worth it. I have lost hope." and "I'm so lonely". TO ME that sounds like an alcoholic. When you drink as a crutch or for negative reasons, or to replace emotions...?
anyway we went rounds. I was calm, upset, disappointed. Because if I wasn't around he would waste away and I told him that. He said I needed to earn his respect back. That I've been in the wrong and tried to place blame where it didn't belong.
Mind you, the counselor did not tell me what I needed to improve. He told my husband to communicate TO ME right away. Because he claimed that he's been upset for months and I had no clue. He said he was drinking and upset that that is why he is violent. WTF he is impossible!! The counselor gave him some advise to practice. It just goes in the works for the first couple days....then its the same ol' bs.
please help! is this worth it? I am giving him a fighting chance. I want him to live happily. God knows I will live happy again whatever it takes~!!!