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Old 10-18-2008, 04:15 PM   #61 (permalink)
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niki...you are in my prayers...and several others' from what i';ve seen...what the hell IS IT with that family??? do they not HEAR YOU???? what if you had thier son ARRESTED? would dear old dad get it then, or would he continue to bu77$#!t himself...they're a mess...you've told them all they need to hear...don't tell them another word...don't let them make you think your crazy...now, it's between jason and his God...if he f's up again...it's off to jail he goes. if dear old dad won't step in and kick his a$$, well...he's got what's coming to him...

You are right. I havent looked at it like that before. But yes, they back each other up even if they've done wrong. I think in order to be real...you gotta learn how to give some tough love. all they want me to do is SUBMIT to my husband like before. He wants to see me ignore it and put up with it like i've been.

If anyone knows how hard I worked when we lived in FL, his dad does!!! I think deep down he knows I've been good to his son. He may or may not realize what jason's part in this is.

Me and jason fight when we talk about serious issues or goals or hopes. We get along when we talk about unimportant things like dinner, funny things the kiddo does, and general casual conversation.

I am trying like hell to curb my resentment toward him. But it is there. maybe that will change when he moves out. He found a place to live, his dad had to pay for it because he didn't have enough money. he signed a year lease. I wonder why?

The marriage counselor told us that we will have to do individual counselling before we continue with couples counselling. WHY? Any thoughts?
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Old 10-18-2008, 05:39 PM   #62 (permalink)
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okay, i'm gonna take this piece by piece...based on the little tiny bit i know so far...hop ya don't mind....

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Originally Posted by NikiVicious View Post
You are right. I havent looked at it like that before. But yes, they back each other up even if they've done wrong. I think in order to be real...you gotta learn how to give some tough love. all they want me to do is SUBMIT to my husband like before.<<<<THIS MAY BE A CULTURAL THING. I DON'T KNOW HIS BACKGROUND, BUT...>>>> He wants to see me ignore it and put up with it like i've been.

If anyone knows how hard I worked when we lived in FL, his dad does!!! I think deep down he knows I've been good to his son. He may or may not realize what jason's part in this is.

Me and jason fight when we talk about serious issues or goals or hopes. We get along when we talk about unimportant things like dinner, funny things the kiddo does, and general casual conversation.<<<<SOMETIMES THERAPISTS WILL SAY, SMALL TALK ONLY...NO HEAVY STUFF LIKE RELATIONSHIP ISSUES>>>

I am trying like hell to curb my resentment toward him. But it is there.<<<IT WILL BE FOR AWHILE. THAT'S PRETTY NORMAL CONSIDERING WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH>>>> maybe that will change when he moves out. He found a place to live, his dad had to pay for it because he didn't have enough money. he signed a year lease. I wonder why? <<<<SOMETIME THE ONLY LEASE AVAILABLE IS ONE YEAR...SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BOTHER HIS CONSCIOUS (SP?) TO BREAK A LEASE IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD GET BACK WITH YOU...IMO>>

The marriage counselor told us that we will have to do individual counselling before we continue with couples counselling. WHY? Any thoughts?<<<<<MAY BE A GOOD IDEA...THE THOUGHT COMES TO MIND "WORK ON THE INDIVIDUAL, THEN WORK ON THE COUPLE"...I THINK THAT MAY BE WISE, DON'TCHA THINK???
btw, sorry for all caps, just wanted my comments to stand apart from your text.
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Old 10-18-2008, 06:00 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Here is my take. As a landlord for ten years ALL my leases were for a year, nothing more and nothing less. So that might not be as big of an issue for him, however it is hard to tell if he tried for a lesser amount of time like 3-6 months.

Maybe the fact he needed help to get in might prove your point too.

Serious issues need to be talked about but, there needs to be ground work on the communications line first. Every conversation without yelling is helpful. However, you need to be able to talk about the important stuff too. Hopefully it is a start. Either way you have a child together and you will need to communicate with Jason for some time.

Because it is easier to bring things up without the other person there. It is easier to take responcibility when you don't feel backed into a corner. You need to have that feeling of self before you can be a part of a team.

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Old 10-18-2008, 08:26 PM   #64 (permalink)
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my first husband was abusive in physical and emotional. to be honest over time, it really didnt improve. even the girl he left me for, well for fact i know she has had emotional and physical abuse far more than i ever had of him.
i dont think you deserve it. well i never n e way.
Aw, sorry to hear this, hun.
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Old 11-06-2008, 02:42 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Well, its been a while since I logged in. I've done alot of soul searching. I don't feel confused about my decision anymore. Its alot less complicated. My husband still desperately wants me back but I am pretty content with my decision to leave, even if he does change. He's made countless threats by hiring lawyers, and making this as difficult and ugly as possible. His sister in law and brother have threatened me via voicemail and texting (I do not answer or reply to their calls).

Sunday I had a long talk with my husband at his appartment. it was very intense. I talked about the threats by him and threats by his family. I finally got him to see that if we split it does not have to be ugly. He has agreed to not let this get worse than it is. Our daughter is with him half the week and me half the week. However, I am not going to file for divorce until January. I felt I should give this seperation some more time. Whatever will be will be.
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Old 11-06-2008, 09:08 PM   #66 (permalink)
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I am glad that you are finally feeling grounded, I hope and pray that things will work for the best. Maybe your husband will see that he has a chance to be a super dad still.

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Old 11-06-2008, 09:19 PM   #67 (permalink)
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threats? threats??? desparate. does he understand how that can jeopardize any custodial rights he may have???

btw, it's nice to see your face back on the forums. some of us were a little concerned for you. welcome back, and good luck.
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Old 11-07-2008, 02:12 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

niki,

If I were you, I'd keep a record of all threats...emails, phone calls, etc. especially if you have them in writing or voice messages...Even if you don't, keep a log of dates/times and what is being said. This will help you in the event you begin divorce proceedings. I know you don't want it to get ugly, but there's a lot of ugliness surrounding him right now so watch out for yourself.
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Old 11-07-2008, 05:54 PM   #69 (permalink)
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niki,

If I were you, I'd keep a record of all threats...emails, phone calls, etc. especially if you have them in writing or voice messages...Even if you don't, keep a log of dates/times and what is being said. This will help you in the event you begin divorce proceedings. I know you don't want it to get ugly, but there's a lot of ugliness surrounding him right now so watch out for yourself.



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Old 11-14-2008, 06:01 PM   #70 (permalink)
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thanks for the tips on documenting the threats. I took your advice and filed a police report in case anything is ever acted on. I also saved the threatening voicemail and texts.

Help me with this:
All of the friends and family that I talk to still love Jason! They ask how he is. When I vent about him I don't try to put him down or make him less of a person. I just talk about my feelings on the subject.

However, I noticed ALL of jasons family and some of our old friends (there are those few friends that are non biased and supportive of both)(one friend I've known since I was 14 longer than I've known Jason is very upset with me and hasn't bothered calling me to see how I am or hear my version) are all upset with me. Calling me backstabber and saying hurtful things, giving me the cold shoulder. Is he bashing me? I realize he isnt wanting to admit some of the things he's done to me, but he's basically slamming me behind my back. He refuses to tell me his issues with me in person. I told him it is cowardly that he can't say what he wants to my face but can bash me behind my back. I expect at least for him to be a friend/be real with me. GeeZ! His reasons for not wanting to say anything to my face is that I will tell him my opinions and he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. (Probably cuz I'm bluntly honest and mostly right?)
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Old 11-14-2008, 06:09 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappily ever after

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Help me with this:
All of the friends and family that I talk to still love Jason! They ask how he is. When I vent about him I don't try to put him down or make him less of a person. I just talk about my feelings on the subject.

However, I noticed ALL of jasons family and some of our old friends (there are those few friends that are non biased and supportive of both)(one friend I've known since I was 14 longer than I've known Jason is very upset with me and hasn't bothered calling me to see how I am or hear my version) are all upset with me. Calling me backstabber and saying hurtful things, giving me the cold shoulder. Is he bashing me? I realize he isnt wanting to admit some of the things he's done to me, but he's basically slamming me behind my back. He refuses to tell me his issues with me in person. I told him it is cowardly that he can't say what he wants to my face but can bash me behind my back. I expect at least for him to be a friend/be real with me. GeeZ! His reasons for not wanting to say anything to my face is that I will tell him my opinions and he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. (Probably cuz I'm bluntly honest and mostly right?)
to this point you have taken the high road. to do anything different would be out of character as i see it.

screw what his friends say! that doesn't change you. if he's bashing you behind your back, isn't that kinda his character? let him be him. people will figure him out.

he had his chances to tell you "to your face."
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Old 11-14-2008, 09:16 PM   #72 (permalink)
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I hope his current actions spell volumes for you. Remember that if he asks to get back with you and when you go to court because he is going to do everything slimy to you in court he can to make you look unfit and hurt you so he feels vindicated.

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Old 11-15-2008, 05:50 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Ok, yes it does speak volumes to me!!! I am just shocked and hurt. My whole intention with leaving is so I can stop feeling this negativity by him.

Last night I was out with my friend heather playing pool. He called me repeatedly. From 12am to 4am. Saying that when he calls I always hang up. Its usually not the case unless he is saying hurtful things. Unless he is harassing me. He was saying things like 'you make me sick' 'thinking of you makes me want to vomit' 'youre stupid and confused, which is right where I want you'. Ouch!! He also said that he wants me to sign off on the business (S-corp) we started. I'm totally willing. I don't want any ties to him. But we will share custody of our daughter.

Finally I put him on speaker so others can hear him. He said I was in HIS scene of friends and I have no right in HIS scene of friends. Although he heather in the summer, and her sister and her boyfriend once. What is he trying to do? I almost refuse to believe that he is trying to hurt me. But what else am I left to gather. I broke his heart. I just can't take this negativity any longer. I cried when he said I make him sick and I'm stupid. Thats another one of his ways of hurting me. I did get my feelings hurt but why can't it be different? i've tried explaining that we need to be friends for our daughters sake. He is taking this to a whole different level than it needs to be.
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Old 11-15-2008, 06:37 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Personally, I wouldn't sign off on anything until the court date. He is obviously controlling and now that he doesn't control you he wants to act badly to destroy your self esteem. This is another form of control. It is also verbal abuse. The more he can get to you the more he feels like he is winning and he thinks either you will break, or come crawling back to him no matter how he treats you.

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Old 11-16-2008, 05:01 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Hate to say it, but for your safety and the safety of your little girl, you need to leave. Yes, you will be able to remain hopeful for the rest of your life that *someday* he will change, but he won't. It'd be like trying to turn an elephant into a little kitty cat. Yeah, right. Ain't gonna happen! That's just the sad truth of it.

For your sake, I hope you can be strong and let him go. You deserve better for yourself and for your daughter.

That's my 2 cents.
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