omg. Its been a while since I posted. I've just been trying to disconnect myself from all the hate, hurt, pain, etc. please allow my rant again!! I have to get it out out out!!!!!!!!!! (sry for the long post)
So a few members of my family have been upset with me. It seems like everywhere I turn I'm having to defend and explain one thing or another. Basically my sister and grandma have believed that when I have my days with my daughter I leave my grandma to babysit her so I can go out and party! this is untrue and i've never done that. I have now explained to both of them and they understand it's Jason telling them this! Not only did my sister and grandma hear that, but my BOSS! he told me in an IM that I pawn my daughter off to go party. so that is the going latest rumor.
I went to pick my daughter up on Sunday. Jason was SUPER nice and talking really creepy and invited me in for soup and coffee. (This was after the argumentive phone conversation when I confronted him about the rumor). So I agreed to have soup. As I sat down he said you know nicole, you are the most "selfish hateful person ever. you f***ed me over. and Your family loves me and I love them more then you ever will. " he went on "you are so low to me. I feel sorry for the next man in your life because you are just going to **** him over in 8 years!!!" "I will never want you." OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! but since I know he's doing it to hurt. I am really trying hard to not let it hurt.
I replied. "This is a perfect example of why I left you and why we cannot work. I am not here and never was here to hurt you!" I also said "I hope your next relationship is all you ever wanted. I hope she treats you good. I hope that if she treats you like ****, you have enough self respect to walk away". He accused me of being unloyal because I walked away. he said he didn't care if i beat him put him down with words, or hurt him in anyway, that he would NEVER leave. I replied 'why would you want to be with someone that did that to you!?! then i left crying, and brought my daughter back home.
two days later I called to get admin access to an email account that he has control of. I also mentioned the harsh things he said on sunday. I said I think you are going through a resentment stage. I went through that. I really hated all about him for a while. I tried to relate it. I told him it makes me not want to know him anymore. he said 'you're a trip'. Then said, I want you to know that I still want you to have partial weeks with our daughter no matter what the papers say! I agreed. He went on to say that more than likely she will live with him because I recieve SSI. and he has a stable home. I paused .......i asked....'"you filed for custody?" and he said "yes i had to...and divorce based on abandonment" and i started crying. and i said i have got to go and hung up. he has tried and tried to hurt me. and finally he is trying to take my child. my baby. and I am crying as i write this. i have been so close to her. her main caregiver. I nursed her, i gave birth to her. she is jasons baby too. but i am more stable minded and can provide stability. he is wearing me down. he said he cannot withdraw his case. his father (financial backer) wont let him. if he loves her, he should think about how hard she will take this. he has hurt her. said awful things....'everything would be fine if it wasnt for this ****in kid!' and got real close to her face yelling and put his hand up by her face. one day when he was mad at me. and that, that, was the straw that broke the camels back. i decided to leave him 5 days later(back in september). when he never apologized or admitted wrong doing.
how come he is making this so painful.
we had a previous agreement to meet at starbucks with a no-fault divorce kit and a shared custody form. we were going to fill it out together. because I didnt want this to be messy. But I talked to a lawyer after i found out he had one and has been plotting against me legally and turning those i love against me. She said because jason has a lawyer and he wants to use my SSDI against me they can squirrel it up badly.....unless I have a lawyer representing me I may lose my daughter. I told her I have an 18 page letter of him confessing many incidents of abuse. he admits using too many drugs and alcohol. and them being a reason for his temper. he admitted the coffee pot incident, the freeway incident, etc. he also has a felony for wirefraud and a pending drug charge in Yuma, AZ. so i guess I have to hire the lawyer and do this the stressful way.
he also fowarded all my mail to his new house. and said 'this is was and always will be your home!!!" I said 'i never have lived here!!" when I saw my phone bill and bank statement opened on his desk (we've had seperate accounts) I realized that he was trying to pry to get info of where I am spending money. I filed a police report today on saying that he illegally fowarded my mail.
all i want is out.
i also found out he has had people i've known and trusted for years spying on me. relaying information. my boss (i quit btw) included. my sister now realizes what he is doing. this is like a war,....like chess. It is all games i dont want to play