Hate to say it, but for your safety and the safety of your little girl, you need to leave. Yes, you will be able to remain hopeful for the rest of your life that *someday* he will change, but he won't. It'd be like trying to turn an elephant into a little kitty cat. Yeah, right. Ain't gonna happen! That's just the sad truth of it.
For your sake, I hope you can be strong and let him go. You deserve better for yourself and for your daughter.
That's my 2 cents.
maybe "he won't" change, but people do. even the most heinous people do change. given the proper set of consequences. stern consequences. my hope has always been for jason to "man up" and make a change for the better. the signs aren't that good that he will. sorry.
The reason he is still in good graces with your family and friends is because you are a loving person and care about your daughter and her father and want to do what's best for them.
He on the other hand, is scrambling. When you were together, he knew what to say/do to keep you on edge and now he knows he's losing that control so the hurtful things he's saying are a desparate attempt to play with your self-esteem hoping you will believe what he says, realize he's the best you can do and eventually take him back. What he is not doing is stepping up to be a better man, a better husband and father so I hope you take this as reinforcement that you are making the right decision.
It sucks that his family/friends are taking sides and he may not be outwardly bashing you but at minimum he is playing the victim to them and they are feeling sorry for him. I have been in that spot with my ex where his family and friends took his side whereas mine still tried to remain in contact (which I encouraged since they knew him for years) and 10 years later, he had fallen out with most of the friends (who now send me Christmas cards!) and even his family came around quickly (probably because he remarried 2 months after our divorce & could no longer play victim)
As much as it bothers you, don't let that get in the way of the choices you need to make. Keep your focus on doing what's best for you and your daughter & stick to your guns about your expectations of Jason. If you give in to any of this you will end up in a worse place than before because you'll be setting the bar lower instead of higher.
you really put it into perspective. Playing the victim, absolutely! His family and friends encourage it.
I have absolutely made the decision to leave. I am very content in not going back. He moved out in october. I am already much more grounded and positive than before when he was living with me. I will always love him and wish the best for him. I am NOT in love with him. he said its a choice to not be in love. I told him those are feelings I cannot just control like a lightswitch. The actions in the past 3 months have ABSOLUTELY shown me what I based my decision to leave on. I've been drivin to the breaking point.
I told him to google 'falling out of love'. So he could understand (from someone other than me) what it means emotionally.
2 days later he tells me " 'google commitment'. your falling out of love crap is all non sense, its a choice Niki"
My sister laughed when I told her what he said about that and she said tell him to google "deal breaker" (i havent, as I do not want to start a fight or fuel the fire). I merely want him to get the point and stop attacking me.
As shameful as what it is, I doubt he is going to see te light anytime soon. I do believe love in many instances is a matter of choice but th choice is what is best for you. It is his choice to be a good guy, to step up, to be a friend, partner and father. It was his choice to hve treated you the way he should have instead of the controlling and manipulaive way he has been. So he throwing choice in your face is not being truthful.
I am glad you have been rebuilding your self esteem, that is important for your long term health.
I think it is neither illegal nor wrong to want to be loved, to feel the closeness of a partner and companion. I would however caution you about haste as hard as it is. Take your time, get a divorce, find what you need for your child, and what you want in the next guy. Never settle, you deserve the best. Learn what you can do to make the next relationship better.
Feel free to vent here when need be. I know it is hard without an outlet, we are always here.
You nailed it above, about trying to fill the gap and settling for anything to do it. But it sounds like you have your wits about you and know better. I wish more people understood that you can't jump from one relationship to another without resolving the issues of the first.
Like I said
Take your time, get a divorce, find what you need for your child, and what you want in the next guy. Never settle, you deserve the best. Learn what you can do to make the next relationship better.
omg. Its been a while since I posted. I've just been trying to disconnect myself from all the hate, hurt, pain, etc. please allow my rant again!! I have to get it out out out!!!!!!!!!! (sry for the long post)
So a few members of my family have been upset with me. It seems like everywhere I turn I'm having to defend and explain one thing or another. Basically my sister and grandma have believed that when I have my days with my daughter I leave my grandma to babysit her so I can go out and party! this is untrue and i've never done that. I have now explained to both of them and they understand it's Jason telling them this! Not only did my sister and grandma hear that, but my BOSS! he told me in an IM that I pawn my daughter off to go party. so that is the going latest rumor.
I went to pick my daughter up on Sunday. Jason was SUPER nice and talking really creepy and invited me in for soup and coffee. (This was after the argumentive phone conversation when I confronted him about the rumor). So I agreed to have soup. As I sat down he said you know nicole, you are the most "selfish hateful person ever. you f***ed me over. and Your family loves me and I love them more then you ever will. " he went on "you are so low to me. I feel sorry for the next man in your life because you are just going to **** him over in 8 years!!!" "I will never want you." OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! but since I know he's doing it to hurt. I am really trying hard to not let it hurt.
I replied. "This is a perfect example of why I left you and why we cannot work. I am not here and never was here to hurt you!" I also said "I hope your next relationship is all you ever wanted. I hope she treats you good. I hope that if she treats you like ****, you have enough self respect to walk away". He accused me of being unloyal because I walked away. he said he didn't care if i beat him put him down with words, or hurt him in anyway, that he would NEVER leave. I replied 'why would you want to be with someone that did that to you!?! then i left crying, and brought my daughter back home.
two days later I called to get admin access to an email account that he has control of. I also mentioned the harsh things he said on sunday. I said I think you are going through a resentment stage. I went through that. I really hated all about him for a while. I tried to relate it. I told him it makes me not want to know him anymore. he said 'you're a trip'. Then said, I want you to know that I still want you to have partial weeks with our daughter no matter what the papers say! I agreed. He went on to say that more than likely she will live with him because I recieve SSI. and he has a stable home. I paused .......i asked....'"you filed for custody?" and he said "yes i had to...and divorce based on abandonment" and i started crying. and i said i have got to go and hung up. he has tried and tried to hurt me. and finally he is trying to take my child. my baby. and I am crying as i write this. i have been so close to her. her main caregiver. I nursed her, i gave birth to her. she is jasons baby too. but i am more stable minded and can provide stability. he is wearing me down. he said he cannot withdraw his case. his father (financial backer) wont let him. if he loves her, he should think about how hard she will take this. he has hurt her. said awful things....'everything would be fine if it wasnt for this ****in kid!' and got real close to her face yelling and put his hand up by her face. one day when he was mad at me. and that, that, was the straw that broke the camels back. i decided to leave him 5 days later(back in september). when he never apologized or admitted wrong doing. how come he is making this so painful.
we had a previous agreement to meet at starbucks with a no-fault divorce kit and a shared custody form. we were going to fill it out together. because I didnt want this to be messy. But I talked to a lawyer after i found out he had one and has been plotting against me legally and turning those i love against me. She said because jason has a lawyer and he wants to use my SSDI against me they can squirrel it up badly.....unless I have a lawyer representing me I may lose my daughter. I told her I have an 18 page letter of him confessing many incidents of abuse. he admits using too many drugs and alcohol. and them being a reason for his temper. he admitted the coffee pot incident, the freeway incident, etc. he also has a felony for wirefraud and a pending drug charge in Yuma, AZ. so i guess I have to hire the lawyer and do this the stressful way.
he also fowarded all my mail to his new house. and said 'this is was and always will be your home!!!" I said 'i never have lived here!!" when I saw my phone bill and bank statement opened on his desk (we've had seperate accounts) I realized that he was trying to pry to get info of where I am spending money. I filed a police report today on saying that he illegally fowarded my mail.
all i want is out.
i also found out he has had people i've known and trusted for years spying on me. relaying information. my boss (i quit btw) included. my sister now realizes what he is doing. this is like a war,....like chess. It is all games i dont want to play
I'm sorry to hear things have gone south since your last post. Well, I guess it's good that you know how this is going to roll now and yes, you will need legal counsel. Make sure all you have documented is in a safe place...put copies in a safe-deposit box or with your attorney as this will likely be critical if he plans to fight for custody. Get the address changed to your own on your bills.
He has shown that the friendly conversations you have where you believe he is willing to compromise cannot be trusted. Lay low...do your best to focus on work and caring for your daughter so he doesn't have anything to back up his claims.