My wife and I have been married for nearly thirteen years, and we've been through some rough patches - we lost one of our children ten years ago when he was six to name but one. We are both 35. I look 45, she looks 25 and is absolutely gorgeous. I've always been quite restrained in expressing myself, but I've always told her I love her and meant it. She did the same.
Until a month ago.
I'd just taken a new job with a massive pay-cut to be closer to home, when she said she loves me, but isn't IN love with me, and hasn't felt that way in years. I just DIDN'T know!
I was devastated. She used to be SO loving and affectionate. Then she didn't want anything to do with me. She said she needed space to 'discover herself' because our eldest was joining the army, and will probably be going to Afganistan.
I accepted her criticism of my failings - I have been a very unsupportive husband, but I was being driven out of my mind to the point I was seriously contemplating suicide after she told me.
Then I found out she was having an affair, our eldest went mad and we three had an all night arguement whilst the other children were crying, and she says it's unforgivable that the kids got involved, and that the eldest found out I'd been thinking of killing myself.
I later found out the affair is with a Marine (a 'REAL' man, as she says). She told me she felt that she was falling in love with him and needed space to sort her mind out. She lso said she wants me to try and court her again, but says she can't give the other man up, because she wants to be sure what she wants. Before I left, she jumped on me and we had fantastic sex - the best in years. When I saw her a week later I had high hopes but she had become even more distant from me than before - and then complained that I was ooking so sad I was depressing her.
She's even suggested selling the home and buying one for herself and the kids and one for me. At the moment I have to stay in a friends spare room.
What can I do? I love her so much, I miss being a full-time dad, but every time I'm in her comany I get so frustrated I swing from anger to pleading and begging.
Help. My life is in utter ruins.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
Dude I don't date chicks that date other guys especially when its my wife.
You are a doormat and will tolorate sharing.
So do want to change?
#1 STOP PLEADING!
You are pushing her away, so take control of your self and distance your self from her. Right know you need...you must worry about your self. Stop getting walked on and and start working out..do something that betters your self for you not for her.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
Plutarch so sorry to hear of your story. My story is not like yours, but similar in that my huband left things too long when they were bad, and now sees it too late to reconcile our differences and we are planning to separate. i don't want to and am devestated. You will go through lots of emotions, that is natural. And they won't be over and done with quickly. You do have to start to look out for yourself though, that is good advice. I find this website invaluable for support. Sometimes I just read an entire thread to see how other people have dealt with their situations, and know I can get through it. Look up the thread 'Just let them go', you might find it useful. Look after yourself.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
CathyGriffinFan:
It's because my wife ignores me or scorns me, and I get depressed and snap at her in front of the little ones, which is not good for them. And with my job and the hours I do there's no way I could afford a childminder for our five kids if I'd kicked her out.
Reindeer: thanks
Today my wife text me to say she was feeling "very, very down", so I text her a few times to ask how she was in an affectionate way, but now she's complaining I text her too much!
I'm in a downward spiral here - whatever I do achieves nothing but making the situation more painful and seems to drive her further away towards this other man
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
If she wants out and is having an affair, she should be the one to go, not you.
If she has told you she's in love with someone else and done, accept that. Yes, it's hard but you BEGGING AND PLEADING will push her eve nfurther away.
STOP catering to her. If she says she feels down, don't placate her. She chose where she is at and didn't think of you or your family unit in the process.
You need to tell her You have thought about what she said and yo uagree..the marriage doesn't work for you in the status quo either. That if she choose the affair, you won't be around for her and will take all actions including up to and filing for divorce.
The maintain that boundary.
You come across as ery weak/desperate everytime you jump for her or tell her you can't live w/o her and beg her. Know that. It will make her think less of you. MAN UP.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
"MAN UP" That's what she says. And yes, I am very weak. I would love to have the strenghth to kick her out, but there is absolutely no way I could keep my job and pay the mortgage and look after our five kids; my hours can't be changed and jobs are VERY hard to come by at the moment.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
^ Runs is only half-joking.
It's true, Plu. THe more you grovel and try to convince her to stay, that you love her, that you want her, that she must end the affair or you'll die--the more it wil turn her off.
Time for REVERSE psychology. LET HER GO.
You must do this STAT if you have any chance at getting through to her.
AGREE with her. Tell her you don't want a marriage like this anyway and are going to take steps to move forward.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
Easier said than done. Especially as we're supposed to be going away as a family for a few days next week. She said she's dreading it - I'm dreading it, but it'll be my last holiday with the kids for a long time.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
She wants you to court her while she sleeps with another man (a manly man as she states it)?
As for the holiday trip, take the kids and have a good time. Leave her behind to do whatever she wants. Tell her she's not invited until she decides that you're the only one she wants.
She chooses you and the kids, or the manly man. If she chooses the OM, you have your answer and can move on with your life. Won't be easy but at least there is no, does she want me or him, maybe I'm winning her back, etc...running through your mind.
Go and have a great time with your kids. Trust me, you'll probably find out it was the best decision to leave the wife behind to find yourself with YOUR FAMILY.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
She actually referred to him as "REAL Man" in your presence, implying that you are a WUSS? And you are still love this insensitive, selfish, narcissistic woman?
Oh my goodness man, I thought I had it rough.
Please tell her to hit the bricks and get a relative to watch the kids, file for divorce and be done with her.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
She was an orphan - and my reletives abandoned me years ago: I am alone. And yes; I really do love the woman, and I know I shouldn't, but I just can't switch off my feelings about her, although I really wish I could.
Re: Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.
I wish. But frankly, given my health and mental state at the moment - I haven't got the foggiest clue how to go about it. I've just been put on anti-depressants, and I've lost 30lbs in the last month (now weigh 166lbs). He's a Marine Reservist and Policeman - I'm a sculptor. No contest.
Wife says she's fallen in love with another man. 
