If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?
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Old 05-03-2011, 06:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

When I discovered my H's EA in January, I was already in a terrible place. I honestly didn't think life could get worse, and then the rug got pulled out from under me. I cried, pleaded, begged, and threatened to leave, but didn't have the strength.
We agreed to separate a month ago, and I'm actually doing O.K. The 180 has been a great tool, and I'm feeling a lot better about myself.
Well, a very attractive business associate (ABA) asked me to breakfast tomorrow. We have met for breakfast before, and it has been professional with the exception of talking about our kids. Shortly after my separation, I ran into "ABA" at a kids' event, and we hung out and started talking about things a bit more personal. He was looking for a short-term lease; marriage trouble. I confided that we were going through the same. There was definitely a spark. I actually physically backed away b/c it was such a foreign feeling. Haven't see or spoken to him again until yesterday.
I have NEVER in 19 years broken my marriage vows, and have never prior to this year felt jealous or suspicious of my H, or thought that he would cheat on me. I should mention that my H and the OW supposedly ended the affair after I discovered them, but since we are separated, I have laid off the detective work.
So, back to "ABA." I may be jumping the gun a bit, but what if he asks me out? I am separated because my H is confused about what he wants. I thought I wanted our marriage to work. The separation was completely out of left field and has devastated me. BUT as the counseling continues and the layers peel back, I wonder what I am doing with this selfish, emotionally underdeveloped man-child. REALLY? Why shouldn't I feel loved and desired? What do you think???
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Old 05-03-2011, 07:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

I think it depends on the reason for the separation and what you and H discussed beforehand.
Personally, I wouldn't date someone else if my marriage is in limbo. But that's just me.
Everyone is different.
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Old 05-03-2011, 07:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

There's another thread going on about this very topic... So I'll post what I posted in there. I was only separated for awhile when I started dating... But I'm trying to keep it in mind that this relationship will probably be best as a casual sort of thing, regardless of the feelings that are developing. From what I've heard, rebound relationships are not high-percentage ones.

Having said that, I WOULDN'T date if I was at all interested in reconciling. I think it would drastically reduce the odds of making the marriage work, the same as trying to work on a marriage if the OP is still involved.

Technically, I think this could be considered cheating. We're still married, and what you do now CAN affect you going forward. Find out about the legal side from someone in your area, and think about how you think your spouse will react if he hears.

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Old 05-03-2011, 07:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

My case is similar except my wife had declared 1) separation few weeks prior 2) was still living in the same house, while she was looking for another place 3) hide the dating activities from me (I found out by accident) 4) had "2nd-base" with another guy when I confront her with evidence. When confronted with fact #4, she went into a rage, justifying her emotional and intimate needs given our separation. She expressed remorse, i.e., "not proud but not shame either..".
I considered this cheating, according to my book, and this rubbed salt to my wound (I was grief at the time). A friend of mine said it's not cheating since she told me about the separation ahead of time. Her action is inexcuseable in my opinion. Prior to this, I was still loved her. Now, I am not sure if I want her back since she acted only according to her emotion and threw our trust and respect out of the window.
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Old 05-03-2011, 07:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

About 10 years ago we were separated (we've since been back together) and I found out, through friends, that she had been with SEVERAL partners while we were separated but STILL MARRIED!
Once confronted she 'fessed up to a total of 9 men, that she could recall (she claims alcohol and depression because of our split).
I think it's cheating if you are still married with or without a chance of a reconcile.... why cant you wait til its final?
Oh, her excuse is ALWAYS, "we werent together at that time!" What do you think? Is that a bs answer or an excuse someone used to f**k everybody and anybody she wanted to.
WOW, now that I typed that it reminded me how f***in depressed I was about that... s**t.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

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Originally Posted by DelinquentGurl View Post
I think it depends on the reason for the separation and what you and H discussed beforehand.
Personally, I wouldn't date someone else if my marriage is in limbo. But that's just me.
Everyone is different.
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I guess the reason for the separation is to give him "space" to figure out what he wants. Apparently, that's going out every night with the guys, seeing he kids when it's convenient, and blowing through all our money.
I hope he comes around. I hope he finds his compass. I hope he gets out of the fog.
As far as discussing dating prior to our separation, he said he was not interested, but at this stage I believe VERY little of what he says. I suggested we revisit the possibility monthly.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

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From what I've heard, rebound relationships are not high-percentage ones.
I agree the odds are not good, but I am not looking for a relationship at this stage. I guess I'm just looking for some attention, a distraction from the heartache.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I considered this cheating, according to my book, and this rubbed salt to my wound (I was grief at the time). A friend of mine said it's not cheating since she told me about the separation ahead of time. Her action is inexcuseable in my opinion.
My H has already broken our vows and broken my heart. I am open to reconciling, but my pre-rec list is pretty long.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

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Once confronted she 'fessed up to a total of 9 men, that she could recall (she claims alcohol and depression because of our split).
Wow! That's off the deep end! I'm just trying to figure out if it's okay to have breakfast! Yes, it could lead to more . . . Alcohol and depression are issues for both my H and I, but I face my issues, whereas he self-medicates.
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I think it's cheating if you are still married with or without a chance of a reconcile.... why cant you wait til its final?
I've never been unfaithful, never even thought about it. If anyone ever approached me, I'd laugh and say 'I'm SOOOOOO Married!" I 've always been really proud of our relationship. I thought we were in it for the long haul. Now I'm just sad and lonely. Yes, I can wait.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

I don't believe any reason is valid as long as you are still married. My question is always "Are you married?" To me, a simple yes to that question negates any reason a person can come up with that would make dating okay. Married is married. Period.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

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I don't believe any reason is valid as long as you are still married. My question is always "Are you married?" To me, a simple yes to that question negates any reason a person can come up with that would make dating okay. Married is married. Period.
I get it. Thank you.
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Old 05-04-2011, 06:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

It depends on if you can save the marriage or not. If not, date away. If you want to save the marriage, then don't.

I am dating somebody now. My ex is still seeing the skank he had the affair with. Divorce papers are being filed this week. I am happy to get closure finally.
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Old 05-04-2011, 12:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

If you have any inkling of wanting to restore your marriage, my advice is don't date. If you are totally done, date away, but be sure you have paperwork filed and whatnot.

Going through a separation is very traumatic and you are not your usual self. Don't expect to find a lasting relationship during this time though.

Some people will say go for it. Others will tell you "married is married is married."
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Old 05-04-2011, 12:35 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

It depends on the agreement between spouses.

Personally, I wouldn't do it for my own piece of mind. I'd want to be able to say that I remained faithful the entire marriage. Flirting is a-ok if you're going through divorce though.
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Old 05-04-2011, 12:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?

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If you have any inkling of wanting to restore your marriage, my advice is don't date. If you are totally done, date away, but be sure you have paperwork filed and whatnot.
I never wanted the separation, but now that we are separated, I am feeling VERY different. I'm realizing how badly he treated me, it wasn't like physical abuse, more with disregard or disrespect. I became the nanny. I actually think the kids and I see more of him now that we are separated because there is a schedule and accountability. I'd love to have my husband back (the guy I married and agreed to raise a family with), but he's lost his compass, and I don't know if he'll ever find it.

Our agreement is to separate and go to weekly MC for 6 months. No contacting attorneys. But the "dating" topic has been avoided. I'm doing the 180, I feel good about myself, I feel attractive, people are noticing. I don't think I'd ever actually sleep with someone else, but I wouldn't mind going on a date. It would be selfish; but I'd like the attention.

Quote:
Personally, I wouldn't do it for my own piece of mind. I'd want to be able to say that I remained faithful the entire marriage. Flirting is a-ok if you're going through divorce though.
I understand that, but I already have bragging rights. I have remained faithful for almost 20 years. Maybe now i just want to get even:-(

Last edited by BIP; 05-04-2011 at 12:57 PM.
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