Originally Posted by chaffy
I am the same situation with H..he wants his space..needs time to himself..wont go to counciling..Before I knew it he already had a place lined up for him to move and I did not even know he was looking..I can't seem to get a straight answer from H about anything..Just says he has not been happy for a long time..H had been suffering from depression for a long time and it was pretty bad right before the S**t hit the fan so to speak..
H moved out in March and I moved out in April..could not afford to stay in the house we had together..he never gave a time frame for the trial separation..I asked why signed a years lease and not a 6 month lease..he said that they could not promise he could stay in the same unit if things didnt work for us and that it was better to sign a lease for a year..
I have been doing the 180..have had a few slip ups..the other night I wanted to know when I could come over and see my dog..that did not go so well..I ended up in tears..I have been getting mixed messages from him and I think he is confused himself..
I love my H and would love nothing more in the world to work it out and be togther..but I have to remind myself that this was not my choice..this is what he wanted..17 years together and I am will to do what it takes to keep it going..just not sure if H is willing or even wanting to..I have been nothing but faithful and loving the entire relationship and will continue to be during this next year..We may be sepaprate right now but I am still Married and I believe in the vows I said 100% and as far as i know H has been faithful to me.
I would try the 180..it is hard, I wont lie..but you should give it a shot..and take this time to work on yourself...I hope for you that you have a good support system close to you...that is the one thing I don't have..moved to a state where I have no one but him for his work and now he isn't here for me...everyone I love is far away...
I feel for you I really do. I am going into the 4th week in two days of when my wife told me she wanted a trial separation. I knew things weren't the best between us for a while in the bedroom she would hold out on sex and I wouldn't hassle her about it. I would ask if she was alright or if there was anything wrong she would say she just doesn't feel like it.
I am still in our place because she has been away for the last two weeks on work she is a trainer for a big bank and moves around the country every few months for a week or two at a time.
I too feel the same way you do, I love her with all my heart and have always put her and her feelings before mine. The thing is your situation sounds similar to mine as she has said she doesn't know if she is in love with me any more and needs time to figure her self out.
I have tried also to convince her that there are other means to work through this with out separation, But she does not want to hear any of that. Like your husband she seems to have made her mind up and decided what's good for her is good for us, and it's totally not. I have sat down with her 3 times and not pleaded but told her that I do realise we have problems and that we have went wrong somewhere and I will give her her space as long as she seriously thinks about us in that time we're apart. But I don't know how devoted she really is to keeping us together and I have a feeling as soon as I move out she will move on and I can see she has already started to. Like your husband looking at places behind your back and then moving out how does that give any evidence that they are going to review the relationship?
The thing is with this 180 plan that I have recently started trying. The not making any contact at all I find so hard. and the acting like I am indifferent with her but trying to remain posative but keeping things short and to the point is hard. She called me once this past week and I stuck to my guns and kept is short and to the point. I never said I love her or even that I am thinking about her or how she was doing. She hasnt called back since or txt me and I do wonder how she is and what she's up to and in the back of my mind who she with sort of stuff. I some times drive myself crazy and just barly hold off from calling her but, I hold true to the 180 code.
I had a friend say she asked what we were up to and that it would be pointless to try and take me to a strip club because I wouldnt go. My friend is also one of her good friends and he laughed and said don't worry we're going out to have some fun and that she doesn't need to be bothered with what ever we get up to. I never got that feeling from her before all I got was a have a good time the odd time I ever went out without her. And that is a big change from her usuial attitude as she was never really jelious towards me before that roll was always reversed.
The only thing that runs through my mind is will this 180 plan help my marrage? and help change her perspective reverse our rolls sort of speak. And she is obviously the one who wants to get away for the marriage so how is this going to solve anything other then prepare me for life with out her. And by you calling your husband the other night asking about the dog just to probably hear his voice is exactly how I feel every night I am apart from my wife.
In saying that I think we both need to be strong and learn to stand on our own two feet. It's hard and at times will seem overwhelming but the sooner we both realise that there is life beyond our partners or ex-partners the better off we will be. Even if either of us end up getting back together with our wife or husband.
I am still quite new to all of this and I know the array of feelings we both have and will have can jump all over the place from minute to minute and hour to hour. All I can say is we need to try and be strong and take baby steps try not to think about the what ifs or if we did something wrong or want the answers our partners may not have. We're the ones devoted to the marriage as it shows in what you have said and unfortunately our partners for some reason or another at this point in time are not.
There seem to be a good bunch of people on these boards. People who have been through it and people who like us are going through it. I think it helps when you talk to people who are going through the same things you're feeling, it makes you feel like you're not alone in the world. It's strange how I don't know any of you people but taking advise and just listening to other peoples problems that are so similar to my own give me such comfort in dealing with my own stuff. Keep strong and don't hesitate to let your feelings out on here. I have and I am and I find it's such a release and gives me a little better handle on dealing with my feelings.