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Old 05-06-2011, 08:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default trial seperation advice

Hi guys, I am new to this forum and have never been 'man' enough to do this but hoping for some solid advice..

I am 4 years older than my wife [she is 37] and I [am 41] met her when she was still at school and i was working. We dated while she was still at school, when she studied afterwards and shortly after her first job we were married. We have two young kids a boy [5] and a girl [2].

We have had our differences over the last few years and clashed on topics such as religion/spiritualness as well as traditional medication vs homeopathy. It has got to the stage where she now doubts whether she is still in love with me or has the same feelings for me. Bottom line is that she now wants a trial separation for a 3-6months to analyse her life. As she said, she has never really had time to herself, has always been in a commited relationship with myself and now needs some space..

I am absolutely heartbroken over this! i am not really a person who can share intimate feelings and that has been my problem during the marriage, which i will work on further but its to late at this specific point in time. She thinks i love the thought of her and not her specifically. i have tried to convey my thoughts around this but it falls on deaf ears. I love my wife and both my kids deeply and am devastated that i have to move out and even more so at the thought that this could end up in a divorce!!

we have both been totally commited to one another, neither of us have had a fling on the side, none of have a drinking/drug or other kind of problem; we have both just slowly grown apart and have different belief structures in life...

Any advice on how to handle the situation would be appreciated!

Cheers ...Bazza
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

My situation was similar to yours and my wife asked me three times to move out...but with no hope of reconcilliation...she is adamant it is all over...i didnt move out until the third time (both times before she changed her mind and we tried again but she always became depressed and angry again)..in the end i left and i have been gone now for 6 weeks..i have two small children and they are confused and upset why i cant move back

im prob not the best person to give advice as kinda in the middle of it now myself, but in hindsighe i think i should have handled the intial request differently...i wailed, pleaded, cried and begged and wrote cringy letters!...and it didnt help in the end..this was a big mistake...it just made her despise me more..i tried threats of staying and selling the house..also a big no no...it didnt do anything for my cause..

if possible i would stay in the house but try and give her space...i think most counsellors recomend not moving out...but my wife didnt want this..she wanted me out so as she could start her new 'routine' and get on with her life without me

if this is the case then i would leave letting her know how much you dont want to do it but do it gracefully...and then try and keep up good communications..

you may also want to try the 180 which is listed on this site which is what im doing at the moment ...the idea is to improve yourself and be able to move on if neccesary..
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

i tried to stay in the house but she says it would be best for me to move out. i also said I will go to counseling and asked her to join me, but she said she is not ready to go as she needs to get the 'break' out of her system...but may rethink as time goes on..

i will probably go for counseling on my own...

Thanks for the advice and i will definitely look up the 180...
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Old 05-06-2011, 11:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

yea my wife refuses counselling, she argues she asked me 2 years earlier and i said no then, so why should she go now...try the 180 its definately worth a try..good luck
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Old 05-06-2011, 03:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

Bazza, you are not alone! You are in the same situation as I am. This is a great place to get some of the hurt and frustration out of your system. The folks on here have been very helpful to me so hopefully, you will get some valuable information from these good folks. All of them have been through it and seen a lot of pain on here. Good Luck.
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Old 05-06-2011, 04:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

Bazza, you should let her move out to seek her space. Don't fight it-it will push her further away. When she gets what she wants, assuming no OM, she has no need to escape from you. Suggest that you read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", Chap 5 "Open the Cage Door" which you can get from Amazon.com. Good luck.
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Old 05-07-2011, 12:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

I don't get it? Why to folks want space but don't want to do the hard work to achieve it?
It just seams so wrong the the person that wants the marriage to work ...leaves the marital home?

Can ant one tell me why this is.

bazzaz, it seems your wife wife wants space at the price of her family. She wants to have you leave? Can't you see it?

Daddy had to leave b/c mommy needed space...Alls the kids are hearing is daddy had to leave.

Man this is BS that you wife can't keep a promise and to top it off breaks up a family. You are making this way to easy for her.

#1 if she can't keep the promise that she made in front of alot of people and wants a seperation then send her on her way and when she want to visit the kids she is more then welcome.

#2 i'd make dam clear that its mommy that want to leave the family not you.

Sorry bro but your getting screwed and what sucks... in front of your kids no less.

man I know you love your chick but why are you letting her make dicision for the family. I know you cant control her but you can control what you will tolorate, and I would no way in hell tolorate leaving my kids or my home in which i raise my kids in.

She's the nut job that needs to "find her self", throw her marital vows in the trash can, and break up a family....so the consequences for that are you have to leave. Face it your in a bad spot but moving really sucks...every one knows that.

I really hope you serious rethink that moving business. Especially if this thing heads south and you get nailed for abandonment. Now that would suck big time when you didn't even want to move in the 1st place.

So at least cover your butt and get a leagal seperation stating why you had to leave or something that won't make you look like you bailed.

What would really be f*cked is when you move out some joe you don't even know moves in as a roommate or something...

Bottom line you have kids you need to be there for. Shes the one making the bad choice and not thinking about her family unit but only her self and her space.

Man you have all the reasons to stay, for cryin out load stay!
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Old 05-07-2011, 09:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

I am the same situation with H..he wants his space..needs time to himself..wont go to counciling..Before I knew it he already had a place lined up for him to move and I did not even know he was looking..I can't seem to get a straight answer from H about anything..Just says he has not been happy for a long time..H had been suffering from depression for a long time and it was pretty bad right before the S**t hit the fan so to speak..

H moved out in March and I moved out in April..could not afford to stay in the house we had together..he never gave a time frame for the trial separation..I asked why signed a years lease and not a 6 month lease..he said that they could not promise he could stay in the same unit if things didnt work for us and that it was better to sign a lease for a year..

I have been doing the 180..have had a few slip ups..the other night I wanted to know when I could come over and see my dog..that did not go so well..I ended up in tears..I have been getting mixed messages from him and I think he is confused himself..

I love my H and would love nothing more in the world to work it out and be togther..but I have to remind myself that this was not my choice..this is what he wanted..17 years together and I am will to do what it takes to keep it going..just not sure if H is willing or even wanting to..I have been nothing but faithful and loving the entire relationship and will continue to be during this next year..We may be sepaprate right now but I am still Married and I believe in the vows I said 100% and as far as i know H has been faithful to me.

I would try the 180..it is hard, I wont lie..but you should give it a shot..and take this time to work on yourself...I hope for you that you have a good support system close to you...that is the one thing I don't have..moved to a state where I have no one but him for his work and now he isn't here for me...everyone I love is far away...
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

Thanks for all the advice and counselling...

Its been a rough few days and we had to explain to my 5 year old that mom and dad are going to be living apart for a while.. he took it really hard at first but seems to be Ok with it now.. I'll be moving out tomorrow evening and still see the kids every day which will hopefully make it easier on both them and me...

we did have some fruitful discussions over the weekend and i was hoping i was getting thru to her, however she still needs the time to assess

so... for now gonna go with the flow..

this forum is a great place for advice and guidance.. so thank you!!
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by bazza View Post
Thanks for all the advice and counselling...

Its been a rough few days and we had to explain to my 5 year old that mom and dad are going to be living apart for a while.. he took it really hard at first but seems to be Ok with it now.. I'll be moving out tomorrow evening and still see the kids every day which will hopefully make it easier on both them and me...

we did have some fruitful discussions over the weekend and i was hoping i was getting thru to her, however she still needs the time to assess

so... for now gonna go with the flow..

this forum is a great place for advice and guidance.. so thank you!!
No way I'd move out under your circumstances. No way.

Bob
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

Hello Bazza sorry you are having to deal with this. I feel that your wife should be the one to move, but then you also need to consider what is best for the children.

My husband left 12 years ago. I later found out there was somebody else, but although he should not have done that I could see my part in the downfall of the marriage. We stayed apart 2 years but worked together andeventually he moved back in.

Unfortunately we are at that point again No body else involved this time). Again partly my fault, but this time I agree he really does need to 'find' himself.' He has been a changed man the last 7 months with everyone. I want him to stay now I understand the issues, but he says he can't do it here. He is planning to take a room almost within walking distance to remain involved with the home etc etc, and when he has sorted himself out, maybe we can work on us. I can ask him out, and vice versa. (Not dating-just as friends) He must not use the house as a fallback and us for company. Not really sure how this will all go, good that he will see our daughter regularly though. He is keeping on wedding ring, no plans or interest in seeing anyone else. He understands if I am ready to move on, but I am not.

Hey ho here we go again. I am actually gutted.
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

baz make her move she needs the space not you, you want the marriage to work she "might." Why do you have to give up the joy of tucking your kids in every night because mommy says I need space you need to go. Don't fight her about the space fight her about who really needs to be the one to move out though. She is forcing you out of the picture she is making you the bad guy by you being the nice guy. Let her know you love her but if she thinks you are going to sacrifice your kids their father because of her "needs" she is out of her mind that you are not moving out and if she needs space as much as she says she needs it she can go find it while you stay with your children.
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by chaffy View Post
I am the same situation with H..he wants his space..needs time to himself..wont go to counciling..Before I knew it he already had a place lined up for him to move and I did not even know he was looking..I can't seem to get a straight answer from H about anything..Just says he has not been happy for a long time..H had been suffering from depression for a long time and it was pretty bad right before the S**t hit the fan so to speak..

H moved out in March and I moved out in April..could not afford to stay in the house we had together..he never gave a time frame for the trial separation..I asked why signed a years lease and not a 6 month lease..he said that they could not promise he could stay in the same unit if things didnt work for us and that it was better to sign a lease for a year..

I have been doing the 180..have had a few slip ups..the other night I wanted to know when I could come over and see my dog..that did not go so well..I ended up in tears..I have been getting mixed messages from him and I think he is confused himself..

I love my H and would love nothing more in the world to work it out and be togther..but I have to remind myself that this was not my choice..this is what he wanted..17 years together and I am will to do what it takes to keep it going..just not sure if H is willing or even wanting to..I have been nothing but faithful and loving the entire relationship and will continue to be during this next year..We may be sepaprate right now but I am still Married and I believe in the vows I said 100% and as far as i know H has been faithful to me.

I would try the 180..it is hard, I wont lie..but you should give it a shot..and take this time to work on yourself...I hope for you that you have a good support system close to you...that is the one thing I don't have..moved to a state where I have no one but him for his work and now he isn't here for me...everyone I love is far away...
I feel for you I really do. I am going into the 4th week in two days of when my wife told me she wanted a trial separation. I knew things weren't the best between us for a while in the bedroom she would hold out on sex and I wouldn't hassle her about it. I would ask if she was alright or if there was anything wrong she would say she just doesn't feel like it.

I am still in our place because she has been away for the last two weeks on work she is a trainer for a big bank and moves around the country every few months for a week or two at a time.

I too feel the same way you do, I love her with all my heart and have always put her and her feelings before mine. The thing is your situation sounds similar to mine as she has said she doesn't know if she is in love with me any more and needs time to figure her self out.

I have tried also to convince her that there are other means to work through this with out separation, But she does not want to hear any of that. Like your husband she seems to have made her mind up and decided what's good for her is good for us, and it's totally not. I have sat down with her 3 times and not pleaded but told her that I do realise we have problems and that we have went wrong somewhere and I will give her her space as long as she seriously thinks about us in that time we're apart. But I don't know how devoted she really is to keeping us together and I have a feeling as soon as I move out she will move on and I can see she has already started to. Like your husband looking at places behind your back and then moving out how does that give any evidence that they are going to review the relationship?

The thing is with this 180 plan that I have recently started trying. The not making any contact at all I find so hard. and the acting like I am indifferent with her but trying to remain posative but keeping things short and to the point is hard. She called me once this past week and I stuck to my guns and kept is short and to the point. I never said I love her or even that I am thinking about her or how she was doing. She hasnt called back since or txt me and I do wonder how she is and what she's up to and in the back of my mind who she with sort of stuff. I some times drive myself crazy and just barly hold off from calling her but, I hold true to the 180 code.

I had a friend say she asked what we were up to and that it would be pointless to try and take me to a strip club because I wouldnt go. My friend is also one of her good friends and he laughed and said don't worry we're going out to have some fun and that she doesn't need to be bothered with what ever we get up to. I never got that feeling from her before all I got was a have a good time the odd time I ever went out without her. And that is a big change from her usuial attitude as she was never really jelious towards me before that roll was always reversed.

The only thing that runs through my mind is will this 180 plan help my marrage? and help change her perspective reverse our rolls sort of speak. And she is obviously the one who wants to get away for the marriage so how is this going to solve anything other then prepare me for life with out her. And by you calling your husband the other night asking about the dog just to probably hear his voice is exactly how I feel every night I am apart from my wife.

In saying that I think we both need to be strong and learn to stand on our own two feet. It's hard and at times will seem overwhelming but the sooner we both realise that there is life beyond our partners or ex-partners the better off we will be. Even if either of us end up getting back together with our wife or husband.

I am still quite new to all of this and I know the array of feelings we both have and will have can jump all over the place from minute to minute and hour to hour. All I can say is we need to try and be strong and take baby steps try not to think about the what ifs or if we did something wrong or want the answers our partners may not have. We're the ones devoted to the marriage as it shows in what you have said and unfortunately our partners for some reason or another at this point in time are not.

There seem to be a good bunch of people on these boards. People who have been through it and people who like us are going through it. I think it helps when you talk to people who are going through the same things you're feeling, it makes you feel like you're not alone in the world. It's strange how I don't know any of you people but taking advise and just listening to other peoples problems that are so similar to my own give me such comfort in dealing with my own stuff. Keep strong and don't hesitate to let your feelings out on here. I have and I am and I find it's such a release and gives me a little better handle on dealing with my feelings.

Last edited by conscience; 07-21-2011 at 06:51 PM.
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: trial seperation advice

It's not a good sign when they refuse counseling and want "space." It's a sign that they've moved far beyond where you think they are. I think the spiritual matters may be a contributor but only additionally. You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to compromise on such matters. How important is the marriage. More importantly how much is the relationship worth? I think the first thing you need to do is get counseling yourself. Second, spend as much time as you can being the best you can be. If you are in counseling you'll be learning a lot about yourself. During this time, reach out to her. Tell her how you feel. Do things for her. Essentially, give winning her back your best shot. Show her how much you love her and how much you're willing to do to save this marriage. It may seem like you're kissing up, relinquishing control, that everything is one-sided. But ultimately you're doing everything you can. If things work out, it will have been worth it. And hopefully she will change her mind on counseling. If they deteriorate, you will have done all you can. And that's all you can do. You can't control what she does but maybe you can encourage her to reconsider.
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