Well, Day 6 is upon me since being asked to leave...still numb.
Yesterday, after a long walk, I came in and starting looking at the house and what I want to take with me. I found I only have a small pile of photos, candles, plants on "my side". I couldn't leave empty frames, or holes in the wall...I just couldn't do that to him...(warped thinking i know!) So I removed the family disney photos I had framed on our "family wall" and replaced them with pic's of his kids...of course I cleaned them and made sure they looked great!...(again with the warped thinking). The shelves which I removed photos and such from looked bare, so I filled them with his favourite cd's and books and photo's of his children. I took away any photo of myself and my daugher, which made me throw up again. I held onto my scrapbooks of our trips, not sure why, but I'm not ready to part with them now.
Went for another walk, showered and threw up again. He came into the house, and I went for another walk while he showered. I came in and we talked for the first time in 6 days, pleasantries and such. I began to cry and he held me. That lead to kissing, touching and ultimately our bedroom. That inner voice was screaming at me to not let this happen, but I really wanted to take in what I was feeling/sensing. I love him...I really do. Afterwards, we layed in each other's arms, he began saying that this isn't what he wants and hopes in 5yrs when the kids are gone, we'll re-unite. He knows it will be hard, but we have such an "never-ending" love that he's confident we'll be okay.
I left the bedroom feeling like nothing more than a "working girl". All said, I had his smell on me, his taste, and could remember exactly how his hands moved over me. I took a handfull of sleep aides and fell asleep in the spare room alone.
I eventually hope my brain wins over my heart. My daughter returns home today from her dad's. I don't want to show her that it's ok for him to act normal, as I know he's planning to do...I've seen the signs already this morning. "morning love"...he says to me...then, "god I hate seeing you so sad". I don't want her growing up thinking this is normal.
So, I'll take a shower, remove the evidence, and put on my mom's face. Received a letter from my little girls daddy telling me he explained to her that mommy is really sad, and that mom can't always hide tears...but he wanted her to know it was nothing she had done....you're going to say "wow, her dad sounds like a nice guy, why did it end with him?"...know that he left me for a man. He's a great guy, a great friend and my baby's dad. A lot of time has passed and I just have an enormous amount of respect for him coming to me after our daughter was born and saying he couldn't live a lie. It took me years to respect those words, but admire him greatly today...as he's real. He wasn't 12yrs ago, but he was simply afraid.
Anyway, so like I said, today is Mother's Day so I saw on Yahoo's homepage...and I will put on my mommy face and spend time with a little girl (almost 13, but still my baby) and try to not cry, walk by the lake, watch the dog run through the waves, and watch my daughter take pictures of messages she like to write to her friends in the sand then photograph to put on her fcbook wall. Life is so simple when you're a kid.
You are a beautifully spirited woman. Don't feel bad about sharing what was normal to you. But don't let it take over who you are and where you are going. What I have learned is men mean what they say. It is never easy to leave and say goodbye to anything for me. Know that you are not alone. I am standing in spirit with you and your pain as I am having my own this morning as well. We have to believe life will return to sunshine soon. That was sweet of you ex to recognize your pain, and achnowledge it.
oh magnoliagal I do know you are right. Why am I not angry or pissed off? Not sure yet...but I'm quite sure I will be angry at some point. My own mom is angrier than I've ever seen her in my life, this has shocked/dumbfounded the handfull of people that know yet. I used to laugh when I'd hear a story about a husband leaving a wife and heard her say "wow, I didn't see this coming"...I'm not laughing anymore as I truly did not see us ever being seperate. I'm sure once I start imagining it and living it, I'll get very angry...for now I'm just heartbroken and stunned....thanks girl.
Hesnothappy....thank you and yes it was very sweet of my girl's dad to be sympathetic..he's a great guy which makes me smile. He's not even the "woman" in his relationship!!..(smile). He did say.."now can't at least see the logistics of men being with men, and women being with women"...lol...to which I replied, "yup, but I need a penis"...he said so does he and he made me laugh...I realize laughter truly helps...may not be the best medicine right now, but it helps.
Magnoliagal again....I've had 3 major relationships in my 38yrs of life. I had a backbone when the first hit me, and I left before it got worse as I wasn't going to be hit again. I was strong/confident/independent. I met my girls dad, and he turned out to be gay...that one there wasn't a choice. However, with my current "husband"....he's the love of my life. I want to grow old with him, I want to take care of him, I just want to love him...but...
So many but's. I'm sure when I'm on my own, in my own place, I'll be better. I did say to my mom this morning (which I was stunned that I said)....I will never forget, or forgive him for throwing us away for his children under these immature circumstances, so once I'm out, I'm out. I said it and didn't cry while doing it, so perhaps my brains functioning again
No, it's not an option unfortunately as without him and our business there's really nothing left in the city for me. At least if I return to my hometown (Last weekend in June once school ends), my daughter will have her old friends and family...as will I. It's not a matter of survival...I'm to shocked/stunned/devastated to think clearly.