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Old 05-13-2011, 08:09 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: "You left me"

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I watched the video....I just don't understand why we give men so little credit. I think they know things aren't right, but don't do anything about it. Society has put it in their heads that women do all the talking and relationship stuff so they become lazy and don't have to do any of the work?
Don't blame society. Or men. There is plenty wrong with all of us that we can all take credit for being messed up.

That said, we each have a role to play in changing our disfuntional relationships. I really don't know your back story. But the one thing that popped out at me about this paragraph above is a fundamental difference between men and women.

Men don't WANT relationships to be all work. To them, if they have to work morning noon and night, it is not worth it. They can be willing to work when motivated, unfortunately often through effective limit setting. But if the fun and joy is stripped out of the relationship, then the motivation to work will not happen even with effective limit setting.



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He never was controlling etc....he just wasn't there. Not present in our relationship....he left me a long time before I left him. I swear he's depressed, but he doesn't believe in depression, so how can anyone help him? GRRRRR
I don't know what that means. Back in our bad old days, my DH did not look present in our relationship. But he was in the exact same boat I was. Unhappy and with no clue what to do about it. The talking just felt another burden to him.

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I've tried letting go of who's at fault for what....I would love to talk about a solution with him, but he's still caught up in "fault" or else he wouldn't just say, "You left me"......so my only option is to move forward. My therapist has been telling me, he doesn't believe what I say. I think he FINALLY understands I left, but he doesn't understand that I'm done with our marriage and relationship the way it's been for 3/4 years....
Well if you are, in fact, done, then what is the problem? Let him go.

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Honey, you've been thru so much! All I want for you is to be happy again! I mean that! You deserve it! *saying a little prayer for you*
There you go. Good for you.
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:11 AM   #32 (permalink)
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There is stuff I did wrong stuff she did wrong but I see it all as stuff WE (me and her collectivley) did wrong only problem is one person alone can't fix it.
That is actually not entirely true. Yes eventually both partners have to get on board with a new and healthy positive dynamic. But ONE person can begin change to engender that positive dynamic.

I think that there is a great deal of emphasis placed on "communication" in marriage. Yes it is very important. But the HEARING and the DOING parts of communication are far more important than the talking part.



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I can take the steps but if she isn't willing to start taking steps with me eventualy my steps will lead me out of her life.
That is certainly true. The rub is knowing whether you took the RIGHT steps.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:09 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: "You left me"

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Men don't WANT relationships to be all work. To them, if they have to work morning noon and night, it is not worth it. They can be willing to work when motivated, unfortunately often through effective limit setting. But if the fun and joy is stripped out of the relationship, then the motivation to work will not happen even with effective limit setting.

It does take (some) work....my relationship is a shining example. No work = no relationship. His lack of willingness to do anything continues to show me he doesn't want to do anything to make it work. Guess maybe I went about it all wrong::instead of talking w/him about what I thought "we" needed calmly and not pointing fingers, I should have nagged and given him an ultimadum:: clearly how I went about it didn't work



I don't know what that means. Back in our bad old days, my DH did not look present in our relationship. But he was in the exact same boat I was. Unhappy and with no clue what to do about it. The talking just felt another burden to him.
Yeah, I can see that. We all go around not talking and sweaping stuff under the rug and it gets better....lol not! I don't care how it feels to my husband, burden or not....you stop having sex w/your wife, you stop doing anything with her, you don't talk, walk out of the room when she's talking, you say one thing and do another isn't the way to go either. Let him try this on his next g/f or wife and see how well she manages

Well if you are, in fact, done, then what is the problem? Let him go.

I have....I come here to vent, get advice and talk to others in the same situation...that's what this forum is for....


There you go. Good for you.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:13 AM   #34 (permalink)
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You misunderstand me. I am not suggesting anything like sweeping things under the rug. Honestly I have no idea what you did do. Maybe you were perfect, and he just wasn't there.

My point is many people on this group and on the other groups I belong to have what I think is a less than useful approach to the work. Many people think that working on their marriage is nothing more than saying honey I want this to change. ... Yah that would be nice, but in practice it rarely does.

There are things one CAN do to get change. But most people don't want to hear about it.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:26 AM   #35 (permalink)
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You misunderstand me. I am not suggesting anything like sweeping things under the rug. Honestly I have no idea what you did do. Maybe you were perfect, and he just wasn't there.

My point is many people on this group and on the other groups I belong to have what I think is a less than useful approach to the work. Many people think that working on their marriage is nothing more than saying honey I want this to change. ... Yah that would be nice, but in practice it rarely does.

There are things one CAN do to get change. But most people don't want to hear about it.
I'm sorry....maybe I did misunderstand you.
I wasn't perfect by any means but I was the only one willing to stand up and acknowledge that there were problems. Tried pointing them out, tried to discuss how to fix them and all I got was...well nothing. I started therapy and he laughed, refused to go to therapy once I told him I wanted to separate...all he's done is refuse...I just don't get how a man can say one thing and do (or refuse) to do anything to try and fix it. I am honestly baffled!
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:28 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I'm sorry....maybe I did misunderstand you.
I wasn't perfect by any means but I was the only one willing to stand up and acknowledge that there were problems. Tried pointing them out, tried to discuss how to fix them and all I got was...well nothing. I started therapy and he laughed, refused to go to therapy once I told him I wanted to separate...all he's done is refuse...I just don't get how a man can say one thing and do (or refuse) to do anything to try and fix it. I am honestly baffled!
Well you wanted MC and he refused. Sounds like pretty heavy denial. The mantra we don't have a problem repeated often enough sounds real to some people.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:36 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Well you wanted MC and he refused. Sounds like pretty heavy denial. The mantra we don't have a problem repeated often enough sounds real to some people.
Yeah, I think he was trying the old "fake it till you make it" but I didn't see it that way.

He is in total denial....
Sad really
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