it does seem like you have some anxiety trying to please her...do this...write down 3-5 things per day that you are happy/thankful for...this is an excercise my counselor had me do...be honest with your list...it can be anything...if mcdonalds french fries make you happy today, write it down...
what you find out is if your wife pops up too many times(if you write "she said i love you", "she brought me lunch" "she didn't get pissed at me when i picked up the dog")...you are putting your happiness in her hands...that will cause you undue anxiety...anxiety leads to stress...stress kills...
Good suggestion.
Four months ago, she would have popped up on the list a lot. Now, not at all. I've stopped trying to please her. I've stopped doing anything for her. In fact, when I stopped by the other day, she asked me to do her a favor (run an errand) and I said no. AND SHE TOLD ME THE NEXT DAY THAT SHE WAS "STEAMED" AT ME FOR SAYING NO!!! As if I really owe her anything right now!
Actually, when I stopped by to pick up the dog (we share him) yesterday, we talked about day-to-day stuff and it was very nice and pleasant, like we used to be. That's the relationship I miss, and that I grieve for. Because, until now, I could forgive and forget the selfish/greedy aspects of her personality.<<<AS HAS BEN POSTED ON DIFFERENT THREADS, IT'S OK TO HAVE GOOD CLEAN CONVERSATION...SMALL TALK...THAT HELPS FOR WHEN IT'S TIME TO SEGUE INTO RELATIONSHIP, OR BIG, TALK
No more.
We're going to have to resume our talk and figure out how to end things, because I don't see us getting back together without her making some major changes in attitude and perspective.<<<<<<HOW'S SHE GONNA GET THERE???WERE YOU GUYS GONNA DO COUNSELING???? THAT'S A GOOD SAFE PLACE TO GET THE "CRAP" OUT IN THE OPEN>>>> And that's not likely.
And, there is nobody in my circle of family/friends who think I would be making a mistake by ending it. My entire family, and most of my friends, really liked my wife before all this. Now, nobody can figure her out.CAREFUL USING YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AS YOUR FOCUS GROUP...THAT RARELY WORKS, I'M TOLD>>>>>>
best of luck...remember, keep yourself to keep your sanity
I would be shocked at this point if she is NOT already having an affair.
Believe me, that has been on my mind for awhile. My family and friends constantly bring it up as a possibility.
Sure, it's possible. If she is, right now I would prefer not to know. I'm at a pretty good place emotionally. I just don't want to have to deal with the anger and sense of betrayal I would feel if I knew she was involved with someone else. I just came out of feeling sad and anxious all the time, and I need some peace right now. I want to think clearly and act rationally, and finding out she is having an affair would not be conducive to calm, rational behavior on my part.
I guess I'll ask her soon enough, because we're going to have to resolve this stalemate soon. I'm about ready to move on with my life -- with her or without her. And right now, without her seems the likeliest course.
The smartest move in that case, may be to move on without even asking her. You are bound to find out in the end, and you will have the time and distance to properly compose your reaction.
I've been continuing to follow the post on this thread and several things come to mind. I asked earlier why she didn't just file for divorce. Well, I think I have an idea now. Not only is she very spoiled, she is very selfish and controling. She made you move out to "teach you a lesson". I'm not sure she really wanted a divorce. She just wanted to "get you under control". In her ego driven mind, she figured you would humble yourself even more and come crawling back to her.
As for her cheating, that may be questionable. Going back to her mind-set again. Who is going to be good enough for her? Who is going to have enough money for her?
You may be messing with her mind more than you realize.....
I've been continuing to follow the post on this thread and several things come to mind. I asked earlier why she didn't just file for divorce. Well, I think I have an idea now. Not only is she very spoiled, she is very selfish and controling. She made you move out to "teach you a lesson". I'm not sure she really wanted a divorce. She just wanted to "get you under control". In her ego driven mind, she figured you would humble yourself even more and come crawling back to her.
As for her cheating, that may be questionable. Going back to her mind-set again. Who is going to be good enough for her? Who is going to have enough money for her?
You may be messing with her mind more than you realize.....
You're very astute. I've come to a similar conclusion.
In fact, she was here just a while ago to pick up the dog. First thing she told me was how much she misses my boys (both of whom have said they wouldn't blame me for divorcing her) She was in a rush, but I told her we were going to have to talk very soon because if I'm staying in the condo I want to fix it up as a home. I told her that I want to move on with my life one way or another. Again, she got upset and seemed caught off guard. I told her we were going to have to come to a resolution, and soon.
I'm going to give her just a bit more time to think about everything.
And I think this says it all:
[B]In her ego driven mind, she figured you would humble yourself even more and come crawling back to her.[/B
I called her bluff. Now she's not sure what to do.
I'm still doubtful our marriage can be saved, but at least I'm trying, at least I'm attempting to get us to talk.
I do not want to feel pressured or rushed into making a decision right now, especially as I am somewhat distracted with running my business. I would like to make the decision in January.
And I wrote back:
You wrote "Hi." Just "Hi." ????
This is not a decision that should be made under pressure or rushed, I agree.
Still, this "limbo" has gone on long enough. For me, anyway. I'm not sure I can wait until January. Besides, I'm likely to be busier then than I am now.
Plus, it is not "your" decision to make. It is "ours." Or, it could just be mine. I want you to understand that no matter what "you" might decide, I may very well choose not to come back. You have done and said many things since you threw me out that have lessened my opinion of you. You have revealed yourself to me in ways that I don't think you even realize. The blinders are off, and I no longer see you as I did. I see you as you are.
You think I have a lot of changes to make to become a true partner. Yes, there are some things I need to do better.
Your list of "improvements to make," however, is longer than mine. Deny it all you want, but it's true.
I think your email was good, except for the last line. You should never put more than 50% of the blame on anybody. Let us not forget, that your mismanagement of the situation, and your inattention to what was going on, went a long way to creating the monster you now have.
So that sentence should have read:
"Your list of "improvements to make," however, is as long as mine."
However, if you already pressed the send button, it's too late. you will have to "brazen it out" as a friend of mine used to say. In other words, you have raised the stakes, you must not back down - not while she's looking anyway!
In response to my last email, she sent me the nicest, most conciliatory communication she has offered me since this whole mess began. She wondered how we got to this place and what happened to us. She talked about some of the things that she has done wrong and some of the things that I have done wrong. Mentioned that we both messed up and need to get to a point where we forgive each other.
She finally realized I was not coming back on her terms, got off her high horse, and got real.
I responded with a 7-page detailed email listing everything I was angry about, and the things she would need to change in order for me to come back. I was candid and harsh, but not mean or disrespectful. I just spoke up about everything I could think of that bothered me about her behavior during our marriage.
I saw her briefly this morning. She thanked me for my email, said she would think about what I wrote,and would get back to me in a few days.
Your last posts seem to indicate that you doubt my wife and I will be able to come together in a way that is fair to both of us.
I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just waiting for her reply before I decide what to do next. She is out of town right now, and promised to get back to me next week.
So we shall see. I know we will have a tough road ahead if we decide to try. I'm not even sure I want to. And if we don't, I think I am at peace with that and ready to move on.
Re: End it... or worth saving? 
