Listen I don't want to sound mean to you, but what is it that you are so attracted to her for. It doesn't seem like the relationship has been really about love but that you had to prove your love each and every step with money. SO I know I am missing the bigger picture I just hope you can give us the validation..Or atleast fight back for her...
I think the main attraction is that we have a lot in common. We both exercise, eat healthy and keep in great shape. We both enjoy reading, and one of our favorite things is lounging away a Sunday morning eating breakfast together and reading the paper. We discuss and debate current events. We browse bookstores together. We share similar tastes in music. We're both creative types. We have similar views on religion and politics. We're both basically happy, optimistic people.
Plus she was a really good step-mom to my kids. And the sex-- at least initially -- was fantastic.
So THAT's the part of the relationship I'm holding on to. That's what keeps me attracted.
I think the main attraction is that we have a lot in common. We both exercise, eat healthy and keep in great shape. We both enjoy reading, and one of our favorite things is lounging away a Sunday morning eating breakfast together and reading the paper. We discuss and debate current events. We browse bookstores together. We share similar tastes in music. We're both creative types. We have similar views on religion and politics. We're both basically happy, optimistic people.
Plus she was a really good step-mom to my kids. And the sex-- at least initially -- was fantastic.
So THAT's the part of the relationship I'm holding on to. That's what keeps me attracted.
If you both decide to continue this than you'll have to focus on this.
I do question her step mom ablity though because she hasn't spent time or called to stay in contact with them since she kicked you and them out. Just my opinion.
Actually, she HAS stayed in contact with both boys. She has called them on their cell phones once every week or so, and has dropped by my place to visit with them. Every time I see her she tells me she misses them.
Their attitude toward HER, however, is getting progressively more negative. My older son, in particular, finds her attempts to be "nice" to him to be hypocritical.
The issue is not how she treats them (which is good) but how she treats ME.
I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just waiting for her reply before I decide what to do next. She is out of town right now, and promised to get back to me next week.
I'm glad Draconis has taken up my role of being the tough guy! I would say part of her answer has already been given to you by the fact that she is making you wait a week for the response.
You can save this, but you need to be very firm with yourself. What comes across is that you acquiesced almost perpetually in the beginning. If you get back together, this will have to be a thing of the past.
The main person who needs to change is you. When the man is firm, the woman feels it. It's as simple as that. What I would do in your position is work on myself. I would make a list of the things in the relationship that I expect, and I would decide what my lines in the sand were.
You mentioned sex used to be good - perhaps implying that it got lost somewhere along the way. For me this is pretty much near the top, so I would not even consider a relationship with a princess that don't ball.
I also love the reading the paper over coffee stuff, but it's not sufficient for me. I don't mind if women want to be crabby from time to time, as long as they don't expect me to take it seriously. Usually you can humour, tickle and bounce them out of it.
The expensive gifts thing is a show stopper for me. I have a friend with a nine year old girl who loves to dress up as a princess, and be given nice things. At her age it's cute. In a wife it resembles Marie Antoinette of "let them eat cake fame". She was rumoured to have a huge collection of shoes.
After a couple of back-and-forth emails stating our various grievances, here's the latest:
She wants to wait til January to make a decision. She buried under with work. (Yet she still has time for weekend camping trips, book club meetings, parties, etc.) What's not clear is does she want to wait til January to decide whether we are going to TRY to save the marriage...or HOW we are going to save the marriage.
Meanwhile, my birthday came and she asked if we could go out to dinner with my 2 boys. I told her I thought the boys would think it was weird, us trying to behave like nothing was wrong. She took that as my answer was "no." She ended up talking to my parents about that (as well as many of our other issues) and they convinced me that we SHOULD go out to dinner with the boys. And we had a good time. It was very much like the loose, easy interactions we used to have, and that I miss so much. She even gave me a cake she had specially made. But...
She is no longer wearing the ring -- yes, the ring that she just HAD to have. She told me she just doesn't want to wear it now.
She has taken down most of the pictures of the two of us that were up at the house.
At the end of the evening, while I was walking her back to her car, she kept two steps in front of me, and quickly entered her car like a woman trying to end a bad date and keep the guy from touching her. I had been hoping for a birthday hug, but it was obvious she wanted no physical contact.
So again, there's a part of me that wants to repair this, and a part that just wants to end it and move on. Meanwhile, she continues to give me mixed signals.
Or maybe her signals are obvious as hell to an onlooker but I'm just too close or thickheaded to notice.
I wished I knew something to say to make you feel better. Unfortunately, it sounds as though your relationship is much like mine. I have two words which say it all--ego and confusion! And because our spouses have those two things going on, our lives are unbalanced.
Oh well, I'll get to discuss my unbalanced life at counseling again tomorrow. However, I do worry about your boys. Do you have custody of them? What role does their mother play in their lives? I would imagine life is getting confusing for them as well.
My boys are 19 and 15. Their mother and I share custody. While they've grown quite attached to my wife, they're confused and upset by her behavior. To her credit, she stays in regular contact with them.
Don't call her, let her call you if she is interested.
You sent the wrong signals by agreeing to the birthday thing. Until things are back to "normal", don't play any of her games. In the meantime, concentrate on meeting new people. Give yourself more options. Also ask yourself, do you really really want her in this state? Ask yourself why you even wanted a princess type anyway...
Here reply to your question - wait until January was all part of her power play. If it were men, I would not play ball anymore. If it were me, I would weigh up how much joy I would be likely to get out of being with her, against how much joy I could get from moving on, and if the case did not look good, I would say, "why wait 'til January?".
It sounds to me like she wants to be in total control. By you calling her out shows her you mean business...but...she makes you wait til January...she still has the control. What would she do if you want an answer in say a week?
The reason(just my opinion) she does not want to initiate a divorce is simply because she doenst want to be the "one to blame". She wants it to be all on you so she can tell her friends that YOU left HER...know what I mean? It is a play on her ego. It makes her feel better that she doesnt file...and that its "all your fault". She doesnt sound like the type of woman who allows herself to be accountable for her own actions.
By her taking off the ring and taking pictures off the walls, that is a sign. In her heart and mind she is already divorced...but is waiting for YOU to make it final move.
I think you should not allow her to make you wait until January. Call her out on that one right now. It isnt fair that she make you and the boys go through this over the holidays....just to prolong the agony???....maybe she is thinking you will give her some extravagant gift for the holidays...then she will have won(in her eyes) again.
I do wish you the best of luck and it sounds like you personally have been making some progress as far as how much you are willing to tolerate in this relationship....stick with your gut feeling....its usually never wrong!!!!
I've been completely ignoring her for the last week.
Meanwhile, I've met someone I would like to ask out. I just don't think I should do so until my marriage situation is resolved.
To complicate things further, my sister, who is hosting the family Thanksgiving dinner, invited my wife. She said yes. I told my sister that she should have asked me first if I even wanted my wife there -- after all, she kicked me out for no good reason and has taken off the ring and removed my pictures from the home.
I don't want her there, and I told my family that I am disinviting my wife from the dinner. They think I am being petty, and they feel sorry for her because she has nowhere else to be for Thanksgiving.
I've been completely ignoring her for the last week.
i went back and re-read your original post trying to find something where you said you wanted to save your marriage. i could find nothing in the original post. however, i did find this line in a follow-up post by you:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyGuy
So again, there's a part of me that wants to repair this, and a part that just wants to end it and move on.
then in your most recent post, you say this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyGuy
Meanwhile, I've met someone I would like to ask out. I just don't think I should do so until my marriage situation is resolved.
if you wanna save the marriage, dating someone else is NOT the way to do it, in my opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyGuy
To complicate things further, my sister, who is hosting the family Thanksgiving dinner, invited my wife. She said yes. I told my sister that she should have asked me first if I even wanted my wife there -- after all, she kicked me out for no good reason and has taken off the ring and removed my pictures from the home.
I don't want her there, and I told my family that I am disinviting my wife from the dinner. They think I am being petty, and they feel sorry for her because she has nowhere else to be for Thanksgiving.
AM I being petty?
your reasons seem harsh for not wanting her there, to punish her, right? but right now you don't like her for what she's done to you, right? but again, if you want to save the marriage, i don't think "uninviting" her (it's your sister's dinner, isn't it?) is the way to do it.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
OK, now things are getting really nutty. And I know it's in part because I'm not standing firm.
I disinvited my wife from the Thanksgiving festivities. She was very upset, but said she'd abide by my wishes. Then she emailed me several times to say I was being too harsh. I said that since she doesn't want to be with me any more, she doesn't need to be at my family's event.
So she calls me up to talk. We talk about the course of our marriage and what went wrong. She continues to bring up my faults, which I've already admitted (Which I documented in my first post). Says she doesn't believe I can correct those faults, even when I point out to her the ways in which I already have corrected them. Says I love bike racing more than her, and that I broke my initial promise to her to make her feel special every day. I point out how materialistic she is, etc. She says I have so much to fix about myself that it is unrealistic to expect me to do so,and that going to a counselor won't help.
Anyway, we don't break any new ground, and agree that divorce is the only option. There's certainty in her voice. We agree to hold off negotiating the details until after the holidays. We hang up.
Ten minutes later she calls me back. Her voice is sad. She's been crying. Says maybe we should wait on making the decision. I tell her I am at the end of my rope, that I am the one who, for 3 months, has been asking her to go to a counselor, and that I can't take this any more. I tell her I need some certainty as to what we're doing, and she keeps giving me mixed messages, so I am done. I mean, she can't even say with certainty that she even wants to TRY to work on the marriage. She says "OK" sadly and hangs up.
I emailed her today and said it was OK if she came to Thanksgiving because I know she'll be alone otherwise, and I don't want her to be alone.
So, are we, like incredibly mixed up or what??
Actually, it's her. If she could say with certainty that she was willing to work on the marriage, I would do that. I don't think she knows what the hell she wants, and it's this uncertainty and her mixed messages, and me putting my life on hold that's driving me crazy. I mean, she has fixed up the house to her liking without consulting me, but I am waiting to renovate my condo because it doesn't make sense to spend that money if there's a possibility we might get back together. And I've told her this.
It's been a while since have read your thread. I think you are taking the right direction, in standing up for yourself. You have needs and realize that. I am so happy to see that you understand that.
Her methods are very controlling. I can absolutely 100% relate when you told her...
Quote:
You have done and said many things since you threw me out that have lessened my opinion of you. You have revealed yourself to me in ways that I don't think you even realize. The blinders are off, and I no longer see you as I did.
I've shared similar words with my husband.
My husband has done the same since we've seperated. I am facing a similar uphill battle with my ending marriage/self. Draconis told me, and its true, how important it is to rebuild self esteem and love yourself through all of this. For so long, your self-esteem (and mine) have been in the negative.
On another note, her plan to have a seperation/divorce is not going the way she wanted it to!!! She expected you to succumb to her needs once again. But you have been enlightened, for lack of a better word. Hold your ground. If your marriage will ever work you will both have to do whats right for each other, its highly mutual. Since it doesn't look that way, let's observe why she may have been sad/crying on the phone. It is not going the way she planned.
This a a great site, full of compassionate, wise, generous people.
I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread.
Looks like my marriage will be ending. She still shows a total unwillingness to work on the marriage. I told her I am moving on with fixing up the condo (new carpet, furniture and a plasma TV as a gift to myself) and her only response was when was I going to move the rest of my belongings out of her house. Answer: As soon as the new carpet gets laid down.
We're gonna negotiate terms ourself (if possible) and hire a lawyer for a few hundred bucks to file the legal papers.
Even my sister says I am better off without her, because she is all about what I can do for her, gets upset when I don't buy her expensive jewelry, and doesn't appreciate me for who I am.
Not the ending I was hoping for when I moved out 3 months ago, but I have to believe that the future holds something better for me.
Re: End it... or worth saving?
