KYguy, that's no kind of life. She may be a "princess" but I'd use a different 5 letter word. IMHO, I'd say count your blessings and get out of there. If she wants jewelry, she can buy it herself. That she shows no appreciation for the thoughtful things you've tried to do merely shows that the only thing she's thinking about is herself. It's not all her fault, either (you were going through a depression period - where was her compassion??), but mostly it is. Did you have any idea of her nature before marriage? What was her parents life like? Perhaps some of that rubbed off on her? If I can't afford something, I don't get it. Or look for something cheaper (read: less expensive).
drac and other suggested this to you as well. you sound pretty put together emotionally. i think you are gonna be just fine. you've weathered the worst.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
I think you are gradually realising that you don't want a materialistic partner any more. Welcome to the human race
My only wish is that you do not take any bitterness with you into your next relationship. Remember love is a verb, it's not something you feel, it's something you do. That thing we sometimes feel that gets called love, is just a chemical thing that arises when all our needs are met, by someone with the right... ahem, chemistry.
I'm not saying true love does not feel good, but it's not the same thing as that addictive rush that comes at the beginning of a new relationship.
No, I won't carry any bitterness into my next relationship. I want to be open and as baggage-free as possible.
I agree that love is something you do, not feel.
I bought a book titled "The Secret Laws of Attraction" by Talane Miedaner. It's about identifying and living your core values so you can attract like-minded people. Seems to contain some very good advice on finding a compatible person.
Sounds to me that, energy wise, you are two different type of people. I think that she felt she was carrying you, whether that is because of her own issues or not, it is how she feels and in the end you cant helpthat. Some issues become part of someones personality.
Just respect yourself and look after yourself and go from there.
drac and other suggested this to you as well. you sound pretty put together emotionally. i think you are gonna be just fine. you've weathered the worst.
I have to agree with voivod here. You are past the worst and it will get much better fast. Keep your chin up.
I can't believe it's been 3 months since my last post.
We're still separated and trying to work through our issues. Neither of us wants to end it til we're sure that's the right decision, but neither of us is ready to give the marriage 100% either.
She is, now, open to seeing a counselor, but that doesn't seem to make sense until we're 100% committed to making things work.
Bike racing is still an issue. She says she just can't deal with that 6-week period prior to a race where I become totally focused on my training and can't do anything but work for a living and prepare for the race. She says she feels completely ignored during that period (which is an exaggeration, because while I do provide her less attention, I don't totally ignore her) and will not go through that again.
I say, if she loves me she can give me that 6 weeks a year and let me do what I have to do to pursue my passion. I'd never stop her from pursuing her passion -- even if it meant flying off to Africa for a month-long photo safari.
Opinions? Am I being selfish here, or is she?
And here is a scenario she drafted describing her idea of our ideal relationship. I'm not yet going to comment on what I think of this scenario, or how close it comes to how we were living our lives before the separation. I'm looking for your unbiased comments first.
You are the king of the castle.
I make you feel like you are the most important person in my life (you are).
When you come home, I come into the kitchen to greet you with a hug. This is easy to do because you call me on your way home so I can find a stopping point in my work. You are plugged in so you know when I have clients therefore you don’t expect me to greet you when I’m meeting with someone.
If I’m chatting on the phone, I end the call when you walk in.
If you are running a half hour late, I wait for you so we can eat lunch/dinner together.
We share our day (something we’ve always been good at).
We hug before you leave and I offer words of encouragement such as “I hope Jake is motivated today.”
If I’m asleep when you leave for work in the morning, I call you when I wake up just to tell you I’m awake and thinking of you.
At least one meal a week you are the complete king. I wait on you, fuss over you and bring you anything you want. I will clear the table and take care of the dishes, too.
If you are only home for a quick lunch, I have it made for you when you walk in the door.
I agree to not call attention to any less-than-perfect physical20traits and instead treat you like the hunky handsome man you are.
I am respectful of you and don’t cut you down or make fun of you. I praise you in front of others.
I will learn how not to be a side-seat driver.
A couple times a month I watch a tv show or movie with you, even though it may not be to my taste.
I agree that while I may cut my hair short one day, I will never keep it that way.
I agree that I need to work on being more accepting and less critical and promise to continue to work on that.
I agree that I have a tendency to interrupt and ask for your help in learning to listen without butting in.
I agree to help you whether you “need” it or not. Perhaps you think a chore would be less tedious if we did it together.
I recognize I have a tendency to keep score and I know that comes out of my feeing that I have not been a priority in your life. I feel this problem will correct itself as we start to gel as a couple. And I am willing to try to do better.
ME
I am the center of your world.
You make me feel I am the most important person in your life.
When I come home from shooting a wedding you are not in the shower or on the computer. You are in the garage waiting for me when I pull in. You greet me with a big hug and carry all the camera bags and the cooler. You are ready for me because you are plugged in and know my schedule. And I call you when I’m on my way. If I’m especially tired you will pour me a glass of water, offer to make me a protein dr ink and, yes, even massage my feet. You know th at I only do 25-30 weddings a year and are happy to make my life easier.
You want to please me. You want me to be proud of you.
You wear your contacts 80% of the time because you know that pleases me.
You wear unwrinkled hole-free clothes to the gym because you know that pleases me. You dress like a slob at home if you want.
You curtail immature bodily functions around me because you know that pleases me. You also recognize that this makes you sexier and more appealing.
You love me more than anything. And if I ever even jokingly imply otherwise, you drop everything. You scoop me up and tell me over and over that I you love me and I am the center of your world.
A couple times a month you will watch Oprah or a G-rated movie with me, even though it may not be to your taste.
You are eager to be with me and make a big deal out of my Saturdays off. You want to be with me and during the week talk about doing something special. Sometimes you can’t free your schedule, but you try.
You are thankful that because we live in a townhome you have little housework and no yard to take care of. You make sure the hot tub is maintained and the patio is well-swept.
When something breaks or needs maintenance, you take care of it within a week. If it’s beyond your skillset, you at least try to learn how to do it before calling in a repairman.
You are helpful and look for ways you can make my life easier. If you see me frantically looking for my keys/sunglasses, struggling to open a package, or if I drop a stack of papers on the floor, you are quick to sa y, “Here, let me help you.”
You also do small things to show you care: you cover my shoulders when I am sleeping, ice the walk knowing I have to go out, shovel the front steps if I have clients coming over, and sometimes walk the dog when it’s not your turn.
Answer the phone each time with: hi baby/sweetheart/darling, etc.
You agree to help me whether I “need” it or not. Perhaps a chore is less tedious if we approach it as a team.
You acknowledge that you can be a procrastinator and agree to work on that.
You recognize that I tend to get overwhelmed in my busy times at work. You sit down with me and help brainstorm together a way to make my life easier: perhaps you can stuff photos for me, or just fill my car wi th gas. You listen and respect that sometimes I work too hard and you do what you can to ease the burden and to help me help myself.
US
We are a team.
From 9pm to 9:30 every night is couple time. We spend it snuggling, reading together on the couch, watching tv or playing with doggie. Some days we have more time and may play a board game or watch a movie. Some days we may have less time. For example, if I have to make my fajitas, you grab the second cutting board and help me chop. If you need to prepare all your food for tomorrow, then I make all your protein drinks while you cook your meat.
We go to parties together. We visit your parents together most times.
We do more nature-centric activities like bike in Bernheim Forest, hike at Red River Gorge, visit Mammoth Cave, and take walks in the park.
On a date night we often do a ‘surrender date’ where you take total control of the evening. You tell me what to wear, how to fix my hair and makeup, choose the restaurant and my meal.
Our money is pooled and we spend it as a team.
We set long term goals together.
We agree we need a cleaning lady once a week. I have a much lower level of tolerance than you do-20plus have clients coming over. If we try to do it, I feel it will soon be more “me” than “we”.
You're beating a dead horse here. Bottom line file for divorce! She's not changing and you deserve to be with a woman that will APPRECIATE you. The small gestures, gifts and thoughtfulness are what MAKE a marriage. Who the hell cares about bling and material possessions. Any one with cash can do that. Some of the richest people I know are the most unhappy. If someone turns on you instead of to you for love and support during hard times that should give you all the answers you're looking for. Just be a little more chosey as to who you end up with next. A friend of mine is on her third marriage and she tells me third time is a charm.
I read it it made me fel sad. I come from a family full of control freaks and I'd turned into one myself--if I am honest, although not to that extreme, I was like your wife. I was micro-managing and criticising my H.
The list was so about work and control that is was frighteneing. If you guys have a chance, she needs to find wha tused to bring her joy personally and focus on that and the "plugged in" thing WTF? Scary s@#t!
I am eorking on doing what makes me happy and inthe process it is helping our relationship . BUT! I still don't know if we'll make it. All I know is that the separation/ councelling thing has been a life-changing step for both of us.
She needs to get over the princess, man of the house/ 50's idiology because there is no way in hell that'd make either of you happy b/c it is a construct.
I think your wife isn't going to change....she wants to be in control, so much so that it's turned into a game to see if she can make your will bend to her requirements! If you go along with "the list" you will be a very unhappy person in this marriage. Her list is ridiculous! Divorce her and move on!
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"One day your life will flash before your eyes - make sure it's worth watching!"
I think it is the whole wanting to be looked after thing because of--percieved or otherwise--the feeling that we were doing all of the looking after previously.
Re: End it... or worth saving?
If someone turns on you instead of to you for love and support during hard times that should give you all the answers you're looking for. Just be a little more chosey as to who you end up with next. A friend of mine is on her third marriage and she tells me third time is a charm. 
