My wife made me leave 2 months ago. Had I cheated on her? No. Hit her? Never. Drinking or drug problem? I never touch the stuff. So what did I do to deserve this? You tell me.
Please bear with me, as this may be kind of long...
We've been married 3 1/2 years. 2nd marriage for us both, both in our mid-40's. And she's a great step-mom to my 2 kids.
For the first 2 years of our marriage, she made more money than me. She made it clear she disliked being the primary breadwinner. (She paid 3/4 of the bills while I paid 1/4) I had a downturn in my business (I'm self-employed, as is she) and as a result I got depressed. I admit that I let the depression get to me and I didn't put as much effort into building my business as I should have. I was used to getting clients through word-of-mouth and when that didn't happen, I felt lost.
She felt we could fire the maid and I could do those jobs since I wasn't working as much. And she felt that I could help her with her business, which was booming. And I did do some of the maid's job, and I did help her a little with her business, but mostly I poured myself into my hobby of bicycle racing and worked out at the gym.
She, of course, resented that and rightly so. But since then, my business has taken off and now I make more money than she does. My depression is gone because I once again feel in control of my life. I have been paying her back for the extra money she spent for our bills when I was only paying 1/4 of our expenses. And I have apologized multiple times for my behavior. But she says that my refusal to help her with her business when she was so busy was a betrayal just like I had cheated on her with another woman and she feels she can't trust me to be a real partner. I try to explain to her that I was depressed then, and it made me feel even more depressed to have to be her assistant and housemaid. I know now that that thinking was wrong, and that I should have been a better partner. But she cannot find it in her heart to forgive me. Remember, this took place TWO YEARS AGO!
All this, of course, has rendered our once-robust sex life into nothing. So she accuses me of withholding affection. The truth is my "drive" was down when I was depressed, and now it's down because she's so mad at me. The fact that I'm 51 may also have something to do with it.
It was early June when she told me she wanted me to move out. It was early August when I finally did. For those two months in between, I was refusing to move out and saying that we should go to counseling and she was saying she would go to counseling only after I moved out. I've been out now for 7 weeks and she still refuses to go to counseling. Says she likes the way things are now. Well, we're doing nothing now. The only contact we have is when we meet to exchange the dog, who we share. I've asked her to go out to dinner with me, or go biking with me and she refuses. All indications are that she wants to end the marriage, but when I ask her that, she won't give me a definitive answer.
Meanwhile, I've had time to think about things and now I'm not so certain I want her back. Here's why:
This is a woman who, when we went shopping for her engagement ring, fell in love with a spectacular ring out of my price range. She ended up calling the jeweler without telling me and negotiating a lower price for the ring. It was at the high end of what I could afford, but with careful budgeting I paid it off in six months. Since she wanted it so badly, but it was so expensive, I asked if she would pay for a portion of the ring but she said it was my job, as the man, to pay for it.
The is a woman who loves to receive jewelry for her birthday, Christmas, etc. I've bought her a lot of nice pieces, but I get tired of always having to spring for bling. For Valentine's Day '06, I went to Build-A-Bear and bought her a cute stuffed bear personalized for her. She hated it and let me know it.
A few months into our marriage, she informed me that I could never ask for certain sex acts, but that she would perform them when she felt like it. She couldn't do girl on top for more than 5-10 minutes because it made her legs tired. And I was responsible for her pleasure, manually, no matter how long it took (and it's often 45 or more minutes)
This is a woman who very rarely does something thoughtful or spontaneous for me. When I point out specific examples of wives doing such things for their husbands, she says, "Look at her. She has to do those things to keep him." I should point out that my wife is exceptionally attractive and knows it.
When we met, she asked me to train her at the gym. Twice a week, for an hour at a time, from the time we met in '02 until a few months ago, I was her personal trainer. She also expected me to pay for her gym membership each year.
She told me that she finds bald men unattractive and that if I lost much of my hair she wanted me to get hair plugs. Yet, when she contemplated getting breast implants, I told her to do what made her happy, but I really didn't want her to have unnecessary surgery.
She tries to micro-manage me. She says I drive too slow. I take the long route to wherever we're going. I spend too long in the bathroom. I take too long getting dressed. I'm slow when it comes to completing word games in the newspaper.
She insists that vacations are essentials, not luxuries. We've taken a number of expensive trips at her insistence, even when I wasn't making enough money to cover them. She paid for them at the time, but I have paid her back for my share since my business picked up. However, if we had not taken the vacations, my money situation wouldn't have been nearly as bad as it was.
My wife is a wedding photographer. She often comes home after a 12-hour wedding tired. I bring her cameras in for her from the car, and often massage her tired feet. When we're sitting at the table eating dinner, if she wants something not on the table she'll usually ask me to get up and get it for her and 90% of the time I do. When we've gone to bed, if she wants something downstairs she asks me to get it and 90% of the time I do. When I come home from work, the first thing I do is go downstairs to her office to greet her.
But she says I don't demonstrate my love for her enough.
Oh, and she says I can NEVER compete in another bicycle race again because I get too self-absorbed when I'm in training. She TELLS me a lot of things, doesn't she? I've only TOLD her to do one thing: Shortly after we met, I found out that she sometimes flashed her breasts at parties (she was 40 years old!) and I told her either quit or I was gone. Other than that, I've never told her what to do or not to do.
Yet, when things are good, we have a lot of fun together. And we have very similar interests, which is one of the things that initially brought us together.
Is this enough for you guys to give me an informed opinion? She tells me her friends says she was right to throw me out because I'm a bum. My friends say I shouldn't go back because she's a selfish princess.
In the end it will be up to you and her to fix the marriage but to me from what I have read it is very one sided. You have to get her expensive jewelry and she doesn't like cute gifts that you put thought and effort into. Money is always an issue with her. I think there are signs here.
Who owns the house you were thrown out of? Who has been paying the bills there (both I would think) yet she is in complete control?
Not saying you are a prince among men. You have been selfish and self absorbed in self-pity (sorry but that is how I read it). But I would never have stuck with a woman who was that one sided. Sorry but she isn't a step mother either because she seems to have no atachment to your two kids, she can throw them away as easy as you.
The only thing she cares about is the dog and maybe only because she can't care for it herself.
She is a selfish princess. It's entirely your choice if you want to put up with the selfishness. I can't see anything for you in this relationship. She obviously isn't willing to work on things.
I hate to say this, but she won't be fit for a relationship until she loses her pride and has humility.
There is another guy on this forum who will readily admit that he was trapped by his woman's super-model looks. Personally, I would count your blessings. Your sex drive will improve with a woman who is kind hearted. This wife of yours sounds like a rock on which to repeatedly bash your head.
At your age, if you practise a bit of semen retention, like me you will be able to ball 3 times a day, and still be gasping for more. If you do retention, you should also do kegels to keep your PC and BC muscles healthy.
KYguy, that's no kind of life. She may be a "princess" but I'd use a different 5 letter word. IMHO, I'd say count your blessings and get out of there. If she wants jewelry, she can buy it herself. That she shows no appreciation for the thoughtful things you've tried to do merely shows that the only thing she's thinking about is herself. It's not all her fault, either (you were going through a depression period - where was her compassion??), but mostly it is. Did you have any idea of her nature before marriage? What was her parents life like? Perhaps some of that rubbed off on her? If I can't afford something, I don't get it. Or look for something cheaper (read: less expensive).
__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!
It sounds like you haven't made many efforts to put her 'in her place' and stand up for yourself in this relationship. Dracs is right, it is very one sided.
Since she is probably not used to you attempting to put her in her place with a good old fashioned two way conversation, my guess is that she will probably not respond well to it AT FIRST.
But it may be worth a try IF you want to make your marriage work. Try a letter. Sometimes letters help us reflect without being so quick to argue with the spoken word.
Should she desire for this to work, she has to be willing to compromise with you and your demands. So, KyGuy, WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS ? WHAT POSITIVES DO YOU HOPE TO HAVE IN OF YOUR MARRIAGE? WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY? Communicate wtih her. Don't put your head down anymore. I guess the "grin & bare it" method is not working well. You've LET her be the PRINCESS for long enough by not standing up for yourself.
Since you are living apart, try to take her on a 'date' and maybe discuss some of your feelings with her. Open up. Stand up. But do it with heart and be genuine!
Last edited by NikiVicious; 10-05-2008 at 08:22 PM.
By the way, to the poster who asked, the house was hers prior to the marriage, but of course I paid half the mortgage while I was there (that was one bill I paid even during financial down times). I'm now living in the condo I had before I met her, which I was renting out till now.
Any women out there who can offer their thoughts.
Here's a bit more of the story:
This past Friday was her birthday. She was out of town then visiting friends. I bought her some flowers and left them on her kitchen table with a card and, as a birthday gift, an invitation to dinner at the restaurant of her choice. I also wrote that we should talk, and she should make it clear to me what she wants.
She came by today to pick up the dog and said NOT ONE WORD about the flowers or the card. No thanks, no nothing.
I guess it's getting clearer and clearer where this is going.
Actually, I have stood up for myself. For example, she told me no more bike racing. Ain't gonna happen -- I AM bike racing again and I told her so. That's one of our fights. I do get a bit self-absorbed when I train, and I really haven't the energy or desire to do much except work and train, but we're talking basically 6-7 weeks out of the year, and I think she can allow me that -- especially because I usually win the race! If she loves me, she can let me do this, that's how I feel. I'd never keep her from doing something she loves.
Now, I haven't trained for a bike race for two years, just to please her, but just the thought that I am going to do it again sets her off. There is a slim possibility that if I promise her no more bike racing (which she has asked me to promise and I refuse to) that she might be willing to work on the marriage.
She also asked me over the spring to take some days off from working so we could have some full days together. Well, after the financial crisis we had, no way I was going to sacrifice income for anything! I arranged some half days off work, but that wasn't good enough for her. And wouldn't you know it, for the last 4 weeks I've managed to have one full day off work each week -- BUT NOW SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND THE DAY WITH ME.
I don't THINK I've been a doormat -- I've tried to be accommodating, but I've stood up for myself when necessary. Or do you disagree?
You know: Bike racing isn't a destructive thing at all. Its game, so game on! Maybe the 'self absorbed' thing is more like a competative side? In which case, Thats good (to be a little competative while in the game)! Or, maybe it is 'self absorbed' in the sense that you aren't DOING IT FOR HER! In which case, she's a princess that can't handle you doing things that don't cater to her!
Quote:
Now, I haven't trained for a bike race for two years, just to please her, but just the thought that I am going to do it again sets her off. There is a slim possibility that if I promise her no more bike racing (which she has asked me to promise and I refuse to) that she might be willing to work on the marriage.
If that isn't a control factor, I don't know what is. Since you love bike racing so much why haven't you trained in two years? You did say.... 'to please her..' You've put that sport you like on hold in all hopes that she MAY put her efforts into making your marriage work?!?!?!
I am just pointing out that she is SO USED TO YOU accomodating to HER needs. She has made little effort (based on your post) to do the same for you! I am not exactly calling you a doormat. Generous in catering to her needs. Not demanding equality. I suppose that if you make a stride for equality it will only push her further away than she already is.
Last edited by NikiVicious; 10-05-2008 at 09:22 PM.
You've actually got two female opinions--Although my user ID doesn't sound feminine, I'm a middle aged woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyGuy
This past Friday was her birthday. She was out of town then visiting friends. I bought her some flowers and left them on her kitchen table with a card and, as a birthday gift, an invitation to dinner at the restaurant of her choice. I also wrote that we should talk, and she should make it clear to me what she wants.
She came by today to pick up the dog and said NOT ONE WORD about the flowers or the card. No thanks, no nothing.
This says even more. I know love is blind, but honestly why would you want to live with someone so spoiled and selfish? She seems perfectly happy with who she is and how she behaves. I'm sorry, but I just don't see her changing. You deserve much better than this! Was she always such a "princess"?
Lately I've been doing a lot of reading/research on pride & humility. I think your wife is one of those people who isn't going to step down from her thrown until her "world" comes to an end. Her behavior won't improve until she one day "hits rock bottom" and experiences humility. Therefore, I'm not sure there is anything you can do or say to change your wife's cold heart.
Hi KyGuy,
but honestly why would you want to live with someone so spoiled and selfish?
I've been thinking about this a lot. I guess love really is blind, but I'm working to take the blinders off so I can see her as she is instead of how I've idealized her.
You know what's funny? She calls ME spoiled and selfish. Much of that stems from my single-minded focus when I'm training for a race. And it stems from my unwillingness to help her when she was so bogged down with work two years ago while I was focused on my training. But I've apologized and apologized. For her to equate my not helping her as a betrayal on par with cheating is crazy! Or am I wrong?
Anyway, everyone's comments are very helpful. I know I'm at fault for some things, but by and large I don't deserve what she's throwing at me. For some reason, she doesn't want to file -- she wants that burden to fall on me -- but I want to make sure it's hopeless before I take that step.
NOT looking forward to being twice divorced! On the plus side, she'll owe me money for my payments for her car, the hot tub and other items that stay with her.
For her to equate my not helping her as a betrayal on par with cheating is crazy! Or am I wrong?
No of course you're not wrong. You dont feel it was equal to cheating. There's nothing wrong with that.
She's not wrong either. Its how she feels. She's telling you how she feels and you're telling her she's wrong because its not how you feel...that's always a problem.
Im going to have to go against the grain here and say, that of course your story is one-sided. You wrote it. But im going to guess you two are more alike then different in regards to money issues and being self-revolving.
I don't THINK I've been a doormat -- I've tried to be accommodating, but I've stood up for myself when necessary. Or do you disagree?
As you're asking... I think yes, you have been playing Mr. Nice Guy to a fault. As ljtseng says, your story is one sided, but taking you at your word, you sound like a push-over.
I would read "Women are from mars, men are from venus". Seriously. It explains how a woman and a man are different and how to overcome communication problems. It works wonders, trust me.
Also get "Save Your Marriage" or "Love Boost!" at zaxxes.com.
I am too tired to respond in detail right now. Sorry. This is all I have to offer. :P
Why don't they teach this stuff in school??!??! GEESH!
__________________
My marriage was saved by zaxxes.com
End it... or worth saving?
