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post #136 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 11:40 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Have you read about the BPD personality and understood it? You will end up being happy about leaving that behind. Your counselor should be capable of PTSD counseling. Some of the newer techniques are having amazing success.

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post #137 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 12:07 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Most anything mentioned book-wise is on Pdf. I second Satya's recommendation. It's somewhat a spiritual read.

You learn about #1s, #2s, #3s. #3s are bad..... you will learn you did a lot of those.

#3s are like drinks... "everybody" does them and it's not a "bad" thing, just unhealthy.

Somewhat like a Baptist preacher who drank moonshine three times back in 1963. Doesn't make him a drunk.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #138 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Have you read about the BPD personality and understood it? You will end up being happy about leaving that behind. Your counselor should be capable of PTSD counseling. Some of the newer techniques are having amazing success.
I have read some about BPD. My counselor just gave me a book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells," about living with someone with BPD. I don't entirely understand the disorder yet, but I can tell you the description aligns right on with my stbx's behaviour.
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post #139 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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.

You learn about #1s, #2s, #3s. #3s are bad..... you will learn you did a lot of those.
What are the 1, 2, 3s? Haven't seen that yet.
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post #140 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 07:14 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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I have read some about BPD.
PWNC, if you've not already done so, I suggest you follow the two links I provided a year ago in post #68 above. Those links point to posts where I discuss how to spot the warning signs for BPD. It is easy to learn because there is nothing subtle about behavioral symptoms such as temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, and always being "The Victim."

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My counselor just gave me a book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells," about living with someone with BPD.
A more useful book, now that you are moving forward with divorce, is Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist. It was written by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. The latter is author of the Eggshells book which you already have.

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I don't entirely understand the disorder yet, but I can tell you the description aligns right on with my stbx's behaviour.
If you believe your STBX has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT try to persuade her of that. If she really is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

As to helpful online articles, I recommend two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10).
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post #141 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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What are the 1, 2, 3s? Haven't seen that yet.
In DeMello's Awareness.... he states a #1 as doing / buying something for yourself.... a new shirt, tool set.

A #2 is doing something for others and expecting nothing in return... charity, volunteering.

A #3 is when you do something for someone and expect a reaction... when you do not get the reaction one desired,

you get angry and upset. Say you buy your spouse a necklace and that person's response doesn't seem to

"match what you were expecting" and you throw a fit.

That is why a #3 is very unhealthy. You place your well-being and happiness in the hands of others.

Real life example.... guy (former TAMer) buys his g/f a sweater for Christmas. She gets upset.... the sweater

was one size too small. She bemoans he wants her to lose weight, this was why it is too small.

He starts to apologize immediately......

See a pattern there?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #142 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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PWNC, if you've not already done so, I suggest you follow the two links I provided a year ago in post #68 above. Those links point to posts where I discuss how to spot the warning signs for BPD. It is easy to learn because there is nothing subtle about behavioral symptoms such as temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, and always being "The Victim."

A more useful book, now that you are moving forward with divorce, is Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist. It was written by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. The latter is author of the Eggshells book which you already have.

If you believe your STBX has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT try to persuade her of that. If she really is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

As to helpful online articles, I recommend two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10).
Thank you. I will read them.
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post #143 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Speaking of irrational... I got an email from stbx this morning asking me why I hacked her Facebook. I don't even know which of the multiple accounts she has that she uses. I don't know how to hack Facebook. And I'm not interested in that or anything related to her.

She's so weird, but that stuff makes it much easier to detach.
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post #144 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:08 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

No response is the best response.

However...you can still smile at her unhealthy level of paranoia...

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #145 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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I have read some about BPD. My counselor just gave me a book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells," about living with someone with BPD. I don't entirely understand the disorder yet, but I can tell you the description aligns right on with my stbx's behaviour.
If your wife truly does have BPD that is a hard one. I have a family member with BPD and it has been one tough ride. There is insecurity but they want to be loved and can be quite clinging at times and then you say or do anything they do not like and you are nobody and will not speak to you, you simply cut off and suddenly no good. The family member that was dx with BPD is promiscuous and manipulative, a lie is nothing to create, or a really twisted reality. I have been in BPD support groups for years and this mentioned is typical. If this sounds familiar you are very likely the whipping post that she depends on to root her but it is no way for you to live. 4 years and no children, you need to run and never look back. Make everything legal, get everything sorted out and be done.

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post #146 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

When you wanted to work things out..... she wouldn't give you the time of day.

Now you are through with her.....she can't let you go.

Funny how things work out isn't it?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #147 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Speaking of irrational... I got an email from stbx this morning asking me why I hacked her Facebook. I don't even know which of the multiple accounts she has that she uses. I don't know how to hack Facebook. And I'm not interested in that or anything related to her.

She's so weird, but that stuff makes it much easier to detach.
Having too much experience in the world of irritational this isn't surprising. She needs the "bad guy". She will create it if she has to.

My ex did much the same, she would text accusing me of monitoring her phone, reading all her text messages etc etc. None of which occurred and I could have cared less after she left.

It's part of the push/pull game they play. She wants you to engage and defend yourself so you two can fight about something which won't accomplish anything. If you don't she just starts convincing herself it's true and she must get away from the obsessed monster. They tend to create perfect monsters in their heads which aids in the victim stories they tell.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #148 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 09:02 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Having too much experience in the world of irritational this isn't surprising. She needs the "bad guy". She will create it if she has to.

My ex did much the same, she would text accusing me of monitoring her phone, reading all her text messages etc etc. None of which occurred and I could have cared less after she left.

It's part of the push/pull game they play. She wants you to engage and defend yourself so you two can fight about something which won't accomplish anything. If you don't she just starts convincing herself it's true and she must get away from the obsessed monster. They tend to create perfect monsters in their heads which aids in the victim stories they tell.
And they hope history will repeat itself....

You know.... how in the past you apologized for things you did not do.

One of the manipulative ways of "trying to get you back"

Made perfect sense when you were "in her web"

Now... when you are away from the web.... you just shake your head and think WTF-WIT.....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #149 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Last night was difficult. At one of the projects I manage, we had the first in our annual series of concerts. My stbx always put a lot of time and energy into those. She was so popular with the attendees. I knew it would make me miss the stbx's good side, so I had planned on setting up and then leaving someone else in charge. But I stayed. I wanted to just feel whatever I had to feel and get used to the way things are now. So, I stayed. I was sad. But the event was successful and I survived.

Ever since we met, the good qualities of stbx were the ones I've always looked for in a partner. I realized last night that's what has kept me on a string for so long - holding out hope that the good would win out over the bad. It just don't happen that way. Probably never does.

I have to mourn the loss of that part of her and find comfort in the fact that I no longer have deal with the drama of the other side of her.

What I can hope for now is to someday find those qualities in someone who is healthy.

BTW, it's kind of nice to wake up on a Sunday with a thousand choices of what to do with the day - my choices!
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post #150 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Wow. Some people who mean to be helpful really don't help at all. The local sheriff is my friend. He intervened last year when sbtx wanted OM out of her life. The sheriff got his record, called him and warned him he'd be watching his every move and to not contact us again. It worked. Scared the guy. At the time, the sheriff told me about this guy's record - pretty bad - multiple guns, shooting, violence charges. Well, today the sheriff brought me an updated sheet of charges. While sbtx was dark with OM the past few months, OM was busy racking up some more charges and jail time for beating women and interfering with the cops who were trying to help them.

I know there's not a d$3n thing I can do about it. I know it's not my job to rescue her. But I am worried about her safety. I don' want anyone I love or care for to be hurt, but it's inevitable in this case.
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