Walk away spouse and finances.. advice? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 10:03 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I suggest you purchase a voice activated recorder and keep it on you when dealing with her she will not like her new reality and may play dirty.
Cover all bases.

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post #17 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 10:07 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts?
YES.

Get your ducks in a row.
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post #18 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 11:14 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I would also recommend selling the car. Let the POSOM tote her arse around.

There is a good bet this guy is not only in it for the sex but the enjoyment

of doing things on another man's dime

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #19 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-15-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
First, thank you for this forum!

My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her. She has no such history in the past. She admitted to cheating last year and has been in and out of contact with the other person. She is currently gone and may well be living with him. I don't know. She claims that I have been a wonderful husband and that there's nothing wrong with me. She "just has to get her head straight." I don't even know what that means.

We've been married four years, no kids. Most everything is in our names jointly. I have been the primary provider financially. She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts? And if so, any advice on how to do that without being a butt?

I know this may seem obvious to some of you, but please understand that I'm the type to worry about her well being.
pwnc, you have gotten excellent advice here, and I'm glad to read that you are going to have a lawyer start working on getting you out of this situation.

I would like to suggest that you seek some counseling. You seem to have extremely low self-esteem, possibly to the point of co-dependency. You have very poor boundary control with respect to what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

You need to work on these things on your way to a better life, and a counselor can help you immensely.

And you should also consider yourself blessed that you didn't have children with this woman. You will be able to start over fresh and find a better one. So make sure you get your head on straight so that you don't just find ANOTHER one (just like this one).
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post #20 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-17-2015, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Yes, lots of great advice on here.

I have been in counseling since the first time she left in November. I'm normally a fairly confident, outgoing guy, but I got starry-eyed with the dream of finding the "right one." I don't have a problem attracting sane, self-sufficient women, but I seem to have a drive to engage with women who need care. I'm working through that before I get into another relationship.

The meeting with the attorney was not as satisfying as I would have liked. He did say that I could cancel the all the cards and close the joint accounts, but because she owns half of the family land that I'm committed to pass down to my son, he suggested I move slowly in cutting her off completely. The best outcome, in his opinion, is to entice her into signing a separation agreement in which she agrees to take her name off of the land and the business while at the same time preparing for the worse. Either way, with the agreement, or going to court, he's convinced I'll come out with the land and business since I can prove infidelity and abandonment. Meanwhile, the money is protected.

I still feel like a doormat by paying insurance, phone and car, but the attorney insists I have patience and keep the end game in mind.

Still no contact from her, but I can see from stupid facebook that she's left the area. And she did try to reach out by pretending to be her sister. I didn't reply. Too much of a childish game.

The anger finally kicked in. I've been waiting for it.

I'm ready for this to be over and to move on!
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post #21 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-17-2015, 04:10 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

There might be grounds you can utilize since she abandoned you.

"Wiggle easy until you get your head out of the lion's mouth"

Pop used that quote a lot. Men love to swoop in and save the day,

y'know.... like in fairy tales. But in fairy tales they only have to do it once.

In real life..... that is not the case. Just as you would want your IC to

challenge you, you should want a female who challenges you.

Can't you have the land deeded to the children when they are... say 30?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #22 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-19-2015, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So, you folks with experience can tell me if this is part of the script. W is starting to act angry now that she knows I'm asking for a separation agreement and moving on.

As I said before, my attorney told me to continue paying the insurance, car payment, and phone until she contacted me - to keep her happy so she would agree to sign a separation agreement putting the big stuff back in my name.

Well, I heard from her. Of course, it's because she's out of money. No more left in the joint accounts. So asks me to sign so she can cash in her retirement (not very much). In the same email she says I can have the car, and cancel the insurance and phone. On my lawyer's advice, I agree in exchange for her signing a separation agreement putting the property and business back in my name and removing her claims. I don't think she expected that response. It's a 180 for me up to this point. I was nice, but very firm that we needed to get this done as soon as possible so we both could move on.

I heard back from her tonight. Her tone was very short. She now says I can have the car back if I pay her back for the few payments she made on it. She wants to review the separation agreement. She says cut the phone off as soon possible and she'll give it to me. It was the tone that was so different.

Makes me think, how can SHE be angry at me. She made these choices and these are the consequences. I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything punitive or vindictive. I want to leave this on the high road and with no regrets. It's so difficult when she's starting to get a tone.

Is this par for the course with a cheating walk away?
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post #23 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-19-2015, 10:26 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
First, thank you for this forum!

My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her. She has no such history in the past. She admitted to cheating last year and has been in and out of contact with the other person. She is currently gone and may well be living with him. I don't know. She claims that I have been a wonderful husband and that there's nothing wrong with me. She "just has to get her head straight." I don't even know what that means.

We've been married four years, no kids. Most everything is in our names jointly. I have been the primary provider financially. She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts? And if so, any advice on how to do that without being a butt?

I know this may seem obvious to some of you, but please understand that I'm the type to worry about her well being.
First off, HALLELUJAH!!!

Second, cut her out of your life -- hard, now, and permanently -- and move on w/o her. As far as canceling accounts, credit cards, cell phones, etc goes, just do it. You don't have to be an ass about it, but do it anyway.

I wouldn't cancel the auto insurance on the car, though... at least not w/o first selling it or getting it out of your name. Actually, talk w/ a lawyer about it. If you can do it in such a way that you're not on the hook for anything that may happen (accident, etc) involving the car, do it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-19-2015, 10:33 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
So, you folks with experience can tell me if this is part of the script. W is starting to act angry now that she knows I'm asking for a separation agreement and moving on.

As I said before, my attorney told me to continue paying the insurance, car payment, and phone until she contacted me - to keep her happy so she would agree to sign a separation agreement putting the big stuff back in my name.

Well, I heard from her. Of course, it's because she's out of money. No more left in the joint accounts. So asks me to sign so she can cash in her retirement (not very much). In the same email she says I can have the car, and cancel the insurance and phone. On my lawyer's advice, I agree in exchange for her signing a separation agreement putting the property and business back in my name and removing her claims. I don't think she expected that response. It's a 180 for me up to this point. I was nice, but very firm that we needed to get this done as soon as possible so we both could move on.

I heard back from her tonight. Her tone was very short. She now says I can have the car back if I pay her back for the few payments she made on it. She wants to review the separation agreement. She says cut the phone off as soon possible and she'll give it to me. It was the tone that was so different.

Makes me think, how can SHE be angry at me. She made these choices and these are the consequences. I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything punitive or vindictive. I want to leave this on the high road and with no regrets. It's so difficult when she's starting to get a tone.

Is this par for the course with a cheating walk away?
Eh... sorta. She's actually being a bit more generous than your typical WAS. Take advantage of whatever fog she's in and get it done.

The unjustifiably indignant anger is pretty much spot-on, though.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #25 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 03:58 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

If you can get locked down early, take full advantage

once she comes out of the fog a bit, she will be very angry

But that's her problem.... she needs the $ to keep that POSOM around

when her $ is gone..... so will he

Be aware..... be prepared..... be at 50k feet


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #26 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 04:51 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Sounds like drugs could be involved here!
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post #27 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Full disclosure - I was on a similar forum when she left the first time back in November. Then, I was looking for strategies to get her back. I got a lot of "get a lawyer" and "get the hell out." Good advice. But I only got as far as calling the lawyer and then she came back and I chickened out, took her back, repeated this twice before this time.

During this whole ordeal, my focus has been on her. The difference this time is the focus is on me - protecting my interests and believing that I deserve someone who loves and respects me. The part where I feel like I'm a man again, feels great!

The man is going to win, but what's frustrating is that there is still a part of me that gets excited about the idea of her coming back remorseful and all. I keep battling that part and trying to make it go away. It's just unbelievable that I would even have those feelings. The list of horrible things she's done to me in the past 6 months is long and unreal.

For example, my counselor has cautioned me that by manning up, being indifferent to her, watching out for myself and moving on, there's a possibility that she might come out of her daze and start chasing me. If I'm honest with myself, there's a part of me that gets excited about the idea. But, my for-too-long-asleep-at-the-wheel man says, "@&%# that!"

Have any of you dealt with that? How? Doesn't seem logical.

BTW, legal separation agreement will be ready on Monday. Takes a year for divorce where I live.
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post #28 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 04:45 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
Full disclosure - I was on a similar forum when she left the first time back in November. Then, I was looking for strategies to get her back. I got a lot of "get a lawyer" and "get the hell out." Good advice. But I only got as far as calling the lawyer and then she came back and I chickened out, took her back, repeated this twice before this time.

During this whole ordeal, my focus has been on her. The difference this time is the focus is on me - protecting my interests and believing that I deserve someone who loves and respects me. The part where I feel like I'm a man again, feels great!

The man is going to win, but what's frustrating is that there is still a part of me that gets excited about the idea of her coming back remorseful and all. I keep battling that part and trying to make it go away. It's just unbelievable that I would even have those feelings. The list of horrible things she's done to me in the past 6 months is long and unreal.

For example, my counselor has cautioned me that by manning up, being indifferent to her, watching out for myself and moving on, there's a possibility that she might come out of her daze and start chasing me. If I'm honest with myself, there's a part of me that gets excited about the idea. But, my for-too-long-asleep-at-the-wheel man says, "@&%# that!"

Have any of you dealt with that? How? Doesn't seem logical.

BTW, legal separation agreement will be ready on Monday. Takes a year for divorce where I live.
Concentrate and work on YOU.
Pretty soon you will be at 50,000 feet and won't care what she does.
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post #29 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 05:26 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I was a lost child when mine started, after the fall into the rabbit hole, things changed

in the end I was 10 foot tall and bullet proof (no drinking) and she had bumps

all over her face from nerves (shingles). 6 weeks after the D final

she offered me a home cooked meal (yes one of my favs), she would be alone all weekend

(no grown son around), I was more than welcome to come.

I swear to God it was the easiest choice I made. I went to my new gf's apartment,

had a pizza, watched a movie, went to bed for the night. Yes I told her a week later.

My future was not with someone from my past. Best decision I ever made.

We broke up later but.... with my XW I would have never touched stars in the sky

I did with new gal.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #30 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 05:33 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I wonder if you can get it setback so you don't have to wait the year since she has been out of the house since November. I mean that is really why they do that to give a cooling off period.

In my stated for 9 years the wait was 21 days. I almost danced when I was told that. Life is so much better when you get rid of a cheater. Just imagine how wonderful things will be for mr right when he figures out she is cheating on him.

My xW recently did that to the guy she cheated on me with. I had a smile that wouldn't quit for a week when I found that out.

Your doing great so just keep pushing forward.

Clay
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