Walk away spouse and finances.. advice? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-27-2015, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Keep having dreams about my wife, so I couldn't sleep. Decided to get up.

The attorney still doesn't have the separation papers ready. Every day that goes by, I feel stuck in limbo. I need to move forward.

W has been contacting me about cashing in her retirement (very small amount of money). I told her go ahead. Our communication has been very short. She's tried to make it light. I've just been business. So, being out of contact like that has made things easier for me. I'm just ready to get our stuff settled, so I can really move on.

Clay, unfortunately, in my state, you can't move up the D. So, it's still a year.

I'm still having ups and downs, but the downs don't seem as deep as they were before. I've been re-focusing on my work and I've been getting out. I'm trying to view this as a gift of a new start. Sometimes memories of the good times pop up and make me sad for a while, but I guess that's to be expected.

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post #32 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-27-2015, 05:37 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

The good memories are normal.... they will soon fade

the bad times will then be what you think about

let the bad times run their course

when she tries to slither back to you

you will recall why you filed for D

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #33 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-27-2015, 07:35 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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So, you folks with experience can tell me if this is part of the script. W is starting to act angry now that she knows I'm asking for a separation agreement and moving on.

As I said before, my attorney told me to continue paying the insurance, car payment, and phone until she contacted me - to keep her happy so she would agree to sign a separation agreement putting the big stuff back in my name.

Well, I heard from her. Of course, it's because she's out of money. No more left in the joint accounts. So asks me to sign so she can cash in her retirement (not very much). In the same email she says I can have the car, and cancel the insurance and phone. On my lawyer's advice, I agree in exchange for her signing a separation agreement putting the property and business back in my name and removing her claims. I don't think she expected that response. It's a 180 for me up to this point. I was nice, but very firm that we needed to get this done as soon as possible so we both could move on.

I heard back from her tonight. Her tone was very short. She now says I can have the car back if I pay her back for the few payments she made on it. She wants to review the separation agreement. She says cut the phone off as soon possible and she'll give it to me. It was the tone that was so different.

Makes me think, how can SHE be angry at me. She made these choices and these are the consequences. I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything punitive or vindictive. I want to leave this on the high road and with no regrets. It's so difficult when she's starting to get a tone.

Is this par for the course with a cheating walk away?


My almost XW is doing the same thing. Its blame shifting. She doesnt want to face the plain facts that she made the choices that have led to her current situation. Strap in for one hell of divorce ride from her. Always take the high road, the Judge will eventually see through it in the end. Concentrate on her instability.
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post #34 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-27-2015, 08:12 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Notice her instability but focus on YOU and ways to improve you... for the future

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #35 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-29-2015, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Well, I feel like I feel off the horse the last couple of days. I had a great day and evening Friday. Lot's of work done and a good night out with friends. But yesterday I got stuck here at home. Didn't feel like getting out or doing anything. Today, I went out of town with a friend. It was a pretty good distraction, but my mind was on my wife, or I should say, the old version of my wife.

The separation papers are finally ready. I have to get ready to face that tomorrow and get some movement.

These emotions are like a dang roller coaster. I try so hard not to, but I can't help being sad that the good times are gone.
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post #36 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-29-2015, 08:14 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Well, I feel like I feel off the horse the last couple of days. I had a great day and evening Friday. Lot's of work done and a good night out with friends. But yesterday I got stuck here at home. Didn't feel like getting out or doing anything. Today, I went out of town with a friend. It was a pretty good distraction, but my mind was on my wife, or I should say, the old version of my wife.

The separation papers are finally ready. I have to get ready to face that tomorrow and get some movement.

These emotions are like a dang roller coaster. I try so hard not to, but I can't help being sad that the good times are gone.
What you are going through is normal. You're going to make it man.
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post #37 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-30-2015, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I avoided email this weekend. I just had a feeling about it.

Two emails from the W. One was very strange. Accused me of being unfair, always unfair because I talked to her family.

Thing is, I didn't talk to her family. Weird!

Second one was to ask about the status of the separation.
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post #38 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-30-2015, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Like Bandit.45 said, I guess this is all normal.

I had a breakdown this afternoon. No specific reason, just felt like I was going to panic and couldn't breathe right. Got a friend on the phone. I was so dang emotional. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it felt the way I've felt when someone close to me has died. It's like the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore - she died.

Sometimes, I feel like a real wuss when I read stories about people who have been married for years and decades. There are so many situations on here that are much worse than mine. This is my second marriage and my 3rd long term relationship. My first M was 6 years, then I had an 11-year LTR, this M has lasted 4 years. I don't know why I'm taking this one worse than the others. I put so much into this one, learning from a lot of the mistakes I made before. Guess I had more to learn.

She's reached out by email 4 times today - between angry and apologetic. Mad at me because I talked to her family (I didn't), then apologized and said, "of course you can talk to my family anytime you want, I'm just not ready for them to know." Then mad because she heard rumors that I filed the separation papers without her (I didn't), then another apology that I haven't fully read yet.

I only answer with business. Ex, didn't talk to your family, didn't file papers, requires both signatures, will send tomorrow.

Hope I'm on the right track.
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post #39 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-30-2015, 09:08 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Your meltdown is very normal. what you are going through is the normal emotional rollercoaster.

I think that one of the reasons you are taking this breakup very hard is that it's a loss. Every time we experience a loss, we re-experience all of our past losses. Even if you are not consciously doing that, it happens subconsciously. It's like we have to put them all in a new perspective.

It sounds like you are doing well by not responding any more than you have to. Just keep doing that, ignore her emails, etc as much as you can.
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post #40 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-30-2015, 10:40 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Full disclosure - I was on a similar forum when she left the first time back in November. Then, I was looking for strategies to get her back. I got a lot of "get a lawyer" and "get the hell out." Good advice. But I only got as far as calling the lawyer and then she came back and I chickened out, took her back, repeated this twice before this time.

During this whole ordeal, my focus has been on her. The difference this time is the focus is on me - protecting my interests and believing that I deserve someone who loves and respects me. The part where I feel like I'm a man again, feels great!

The man is going to win, but what's frustrating is that there is still a part of me that gets excited about the idea of her coming back remorseful and all. I keep battling that part and trying to make it go away. It's just unbelievable that I would even have those feelings. The list of horrible things she's done to me in the past 6 months is long and unreal.

For example, my counselor has cautioned me that by manning up, being indifferent to her, watching out for myself and moving on, there's a possibility that she might come out of her daze and start chasing me. If I'm honest with myself, there's a part of me that gets excited about the idea. But, my for-too-long-asleep-at-the-wheel man says, "@&%# that!"

Have any of you dealt with that? How? Doesn't seem logical.

BTW, legal separation agreement will be ready on Monday. Takes a year for divorce where I live.
Honestly why would you want her back? she isn't a wife, she a pain in the ass and doing nothing but making your life miserable.

If you stop payment on the car insurance do one thing and make sure you take the plate off the car too. even though there's no insurance, it can still be driven just as long as she doesn't get in a accident or pulled over by a cop. Take the plate for just that reason.

If she left you three times already in such a short time and you keep taking her back, then it's now a habit with her and your making it for her.

Give her the papers and move on and find someone of better quality.

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post #41 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So, she e-mailed and asked me to explain what would be in the draft of the separation agreement. So, I did. The only question was the car. My lawyer suggested that I pay the car off and give it to her if she couldn't make payments. So, I asked if she could make payments.

Well, up til then our last few e-mails had been short but cordial. I reassured her that I didn't want anything from her, just to be able to get this done and move on. But her reply was so angry - that I know she can't make car payments, she gave up her job for me, she has nothing to eat, that I took all the money from the bank, that I'm using the money to enjoy myself.

Half of me wants to write back an angry e-mail explaining that no of those things are my choice. She made the choices. She has to live with the consequences. In fact, she's made a bunch of choices for me that I didn't ask for or take part in.

The other half says just stick to business and get the papers done ASAP.
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post #42 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Well, up til then our last few e-mails had been short but cordial. I reassured her that I didn't want anything from her, just to be able to get this done and move on. But her reply was so angry - that I know she can't make car payments, she gave up her job for me, she has nothing to eat, that I took all the money from the bank, that I'm using the money to enjoy myself.
.
Here's what I feel like replying - "Of course I don't know if you can make car payments. In fact, I don't know anything, and haven't for the past six months or more, about your secret life. I don't know where you live, who you live with, if you have a job - nothing. You chose not to talk to me except when you needed something from me. You chose to quit your job to 'work on the marriage' and then you chose to leave that same marriage without working on it. You chose to leave a home with plenty of food and no worries about finances. You chose to leave me with no explanation thereby causing me to worry about what might happen to the savings and the business. I chose to protect the assets. I chose to start working on myself. I chose to get a life and try to be happy in spite of the situation"

Or better yet, maybe I should just respond, "You're right. I should buy you some food. To whom do I make out the check, you or S@%$^ (the OM)?"
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post #43 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 11:21 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

definitely the former....i like that one.
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post #44 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So any of you with experience have some input on how to handle this misplaced anger? I don't want to be a doormat, but I want to get out of this separation with as few financial scars as possible. Met with the attorney today and he tells me it's my job not to piss her off and to get her to sign. Tough order when someone is practically spitting in your face and you want tell them how it is!
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post #45 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 05:09 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Like Bandit.45 said, I guess this is all normal.

I had a breakdown this afternoon. No specific reason, just felt like I was going to panic and couldn't breathe right. Got a friend on the phone. I was so dang emotional. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it felt the way I've felt when someone close to me has died. It's like the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore - she died.

Sometimes, I feel like a real wuss when I read stories about people who have been married for years and decades. There are so many situations on here that are much worse than mine. This is my second marriage and my 3rd long term relationship. My first M was 6 years, then I had an 11-year LTR, this M has lasted 4 years. I don't know why I'm taking this one worse than the others. I put so much into this one, learning from a lot of the mistakes I made before. Guess I had more to learn.

She's reached out by email 4 times today - between angry and apologetic. Mad at me because I talked to her family (I didn't), then apologized and said, "of course you can talk to my family anytime you want, I'm just not ready for them to know." Then mad because she heard rumors that I filed the separation papers without her (I didn't), then another apology that I haven't fully read yet.

I only answer with business. Ex, didn't talk to your family, didn't file papers, requires both signatures, will send tomorrow.

Hope I'm on the right track.
I so get this. When my pop died, I was stone faced. I had to take care of mom.

When I was alone, yes I lost it. But I had to put someone before me. I so get it.

I shed tears from my 1st love (1988-90), 2nd love (1991-96), XW (1997-2012)

and UG (2013-14). You loved and lost. But with your W, everyone will lose.

It's not you..... it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I swear to God I hated that statement when I was younger.... but it's true.

You can't save everyone.... you have to save yourself. Maybe she will someday

look in the mirror and realize.... but don't expect it. Just work on you.

Do the things you didn't because...... she didn't like it.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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