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post #46 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 05:15 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
Here's what I feel like replying - "Of course I don't know if you can make car payments. In fact, I don't know anything, and haven't for the past six months or more, about your secret life. I don't know where you live, who you live with, if you have a job - nothing. You chose not to talk to me except when you needed something from me. You chose to quit your job to 'work on the marriage' and then you chose to leave that same marriage without working on it. You chose to leave a home with plenty of food and no worries about finances. You chose to leave me with no explanation thereby causing me to worry about what might happen to the savings and the business. I chose to protect the assets. I chose to start working on myself. I chose to get a life and try to be happy in spite of the situation"

Or better yet, maybe I should just respond, "You're right. I should buy you some food. To whom do I make out the check, you or S@%$^ (the OM)?"
any time you do not say exactly what she wants to hear

she will get angry

you were supposed to be her doormat

get used to telling her "I'm sorry you feel that way"

note she can not respond to this...


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #47 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 06:15 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Becareful what you say in an email!

Whatever you write can be used against you!
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post #48 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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I so get this. When my pop died, I was stone faced. I had to take care of mom.

When I was alone, yes I lost it. But I had to put someone before me. I so get it.

I shed tears from my 1st love (1988-90), 2nd love (1991-96), XW (1997-2012)

and UG (2013-14). You loved and lost. But with your W, everyone will lose.

It's not you..... it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I swear to God I hated that statement when I was younger.... but it's true.

You can't save everyone.... you have to save yourself. Maybe she will someday

look in the mirror and realize.... but don't expect it. Just work on you.

Do the things you didn't because...... she didn't like it.
Chuck71, thank you for sharing that. It feels exactly like mourning a death since the person you knew is no longer there.

It seems she's been doing some looking in the mirror today. I can tell by the up and down nature of her texts as we deal with business that she's panicking some - probably realizing for the first time that there are consequences. I even got an "I love you" and an "I miss you." this evening. So weird.

Got to stay strong.
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post #49 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Now her family is reaching out to me - asking to talk - something they haven't done before.

I need a little peace.
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post #50 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 10:36 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Now her family is reaching out to me - asking to talk - something they haven't done before.

I need a little peace.
I think that I'd respectfully request that they mind their own damn business.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #51 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 01:30 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Would you consider a R? If you don't..... just ignore.

My XW died about the same time her mother did. She was a walking corpse

the last few years. I would sometimes see glimpses of the old her

but it was few..... and fleeting

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #52 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 07:39 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Now her family is reaching out to me - asking to talk - something they haven't done before.

I need a little peace.
Okay…
This is the time where you need to be careful and focus on the END GAME. If you are not sure about what you want…get CLEAR.
Then keep that in mind. Sounds like you aren’t anywhere near wanting reconciliation so your job right now is to follow your lawyers advice and keep her as mellow as possible.

Since she is seeing a different side of you now, she may want to R…or at least tell herself that since she is now glimpsing what she will be missing.
If her relatives call or text, just tell them “This is something you need to take up with her.”
DON’T give them the “it’s over” Speech.
They are probing for information that they will feed right back to her.
IF they ask if you are open to R, just say “I’m not sure. Once we get some things straightened out, I will give it some thought.”
This will prompt her to WANT to settle up.

Once she settles up and things are on paper, then you can go cold on her.
Remember to shoot for “fair”…you want to be able to sleep at night.

In my mind, this thing is done and over, but she may be thinking differently.

ALWAYS come here for perspective before you agree on anything she suggests.
Run stuff by your lawyer if you are even in the slightest doubt.

I feel for you, but now is the time to be cool.

"But his eye, under his matted forelock, was cool and quiet, for Bagheera was his adviser in this time of trouble, and told him to go quietly, hunt slowly, and never, on any account, to lose his temper."
~Rudyard Kipling
"How Fear Came"
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post #53 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 08:02 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Now her family is reaching out to me - asking to talk - something they haven't done before.

I need a little peace.
Be careful with this. They want to get information from you. ANY information you give them will get back to her. Whether its to feel you out for R or D or in between. The absolute best way to handle this, is to go dark if you want D. The only information transfer is via your attorney.

If R, then its trickier. You have much more emotional investment in this marriage than your first. You will not only need your Wife to change, but you will also have to get her family to wholeheartedly go along with that as well. Never forget, blood is thicker than water. They will never want her hurt, If you push for her change too quickly, that's how they will see it, and back off any support. Remember, if you divorce her, she becomes more their problem.
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post #54 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Great advice.

Three new things I want to run by you here.

First, I've heard from a brother-in-law that the parents are upset with her and want us to R. I didn't talk to the parents, I just sent a message that I'm too busy the next few days. I do want to talk to them just because I like them a lot, but I'm not sure it's for me to be the one to tell them what happened.

Second, dammit, I'm having second thoughts and I'm not as clear as I was before about D being the end game. When I look at this from an outside perspective, I have to ask WTF am I doing. My heart and my brain are screaming at each other.

Third, she was supposed to come over today while I was away to pick up her stuff. She didn't take anything when she left a month ago. I came home expecting an empty room where I had her stuff. Instead, I came home to her having washed the dishes, done all of my laundry, folded the clothes, cleaned the house and bedroom. Her stuff is still where I left it. ???
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post #55 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 09:35 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Great advice.

Three new things I want to run by you here.

First, I've heard from a brother-in-law that the parents are upset with her and want us to R. I didn't talk to the parents, I just sent a message that I'm too busy the next few days. I do want to talk to them just because I like them a lot, but I'm not sure it's for me to be the one to tell them what happened.

Second, dammit, I'm having second thoughts and I'm not as clear as I was before about D being the end game. When I look at this from an outside perspective, I have to ask WTF am I doing. My heart and my brain are screaming at each other.

Third, she was supposed to come over today while I was away to pick up her stuff. She didn't take anything when she left a month ago. I came home expecting an empty room where I had her stuff. Instead, I came home to her having washed the dishes, done all of my laundry, folded the clothes, cleaned the house and bedroom. Her stuff is still where I left it. ???
The very same day we filed for D, STBXW was cleaning the house

the house she was not going to get. From what you say, this M is dead

and it needs to be killed. Not a thing wrong with working on a R while

D final nears. You can legally marry someone the same day you D them.

My parents were "retreads." Couple years later though. But it's a decision

you have to make. Share you thoughts here......

everyone can give insight.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #56 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

It's a hard realization, but yesterday made it clear that I'm causing most of the problems I'm experiencing.

I feel genuinely depressed again today. I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I was immune to her actions. I thought the days obsessing over when she might call or text were over. I thought I could stay the course. I thought I was in a place where I was sure I never wanted her to come back. I'm not there.

If she meant to plow up old feelings by cleaning the house and leaving her stuff lying around in strategic places, it worked. It made me want her to walk through the door again.

I texted her and thanked her last night for the the things she did around the house yesterday. At least, I was true to my commitment not to seem needy, so it was a simple "thank you." But now, I'm obsessing over why I haven't heard back from her.

I'm really angry with myself. I've brought this on myself. I could have changed the locks on the doors and left her stuff somewhere to pick up. Instead, I'm allowing her to walk back into my life and put me back on the rollercoaster. I don't understand why. I have never had more clarity on the course I should take that is best for me, but I'm not taking it. Somewhere inside me, I'm still holding on to a hope that we will R and that things will be better. My mind just keeps screaming "WTF?"

I don't know what to do. Now it's less of a fight with her actions and more of a fight with my inaction.

I can tell that a big part of her wants to com home. And, it's so hard to admit, but I want her back. Why?

Why can't I just accept that I have a clean house, clean clothes and such, be thankful for that and let it go. Not make such a big deal out of it?

I'm a mess, my friends.
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post #57 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 06:33 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Being she was the one who left and twisted that knife in your back

I hope she would have to do a lot more than clean your house.

If she sniffs you caving, she will clean next time in bra n panties

STAY 180 / NC She has to bring up anything dealing with R

Where is she staying? She still with OM? Do you honestly want to

be a doormat? You let her walk back in.... she will have ZERO respect for you.

For a true R to take place, she MUST ditch OM. Ever find out if OM is married or has g/f?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #58 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Being she was the one who left and twisted that knife in your back

I hope she would have to do a lot more than clean your house.

If she sniffs you caving, she will clean next time in bra n panties

STAY 180 / NC She has to bring up anything dealing with R

Where is she staying? She still with OM? Do you honestly want to

be a doormat? You let her walk back in.... she will have ZERO respect for you.

For a true R to take place, she MUST ditch OM. Ever find out if OM is married or has g/f?
Chuck71,

You're right, she'd have to do a lot more than clean the house. It would take so much more and so much time if we were to go down that road. And I would need proof that the OM is cut off completely. Sure would be easier if I would just shut off the possibility of R.

I don't know where she's staying, don't know if the OM is still in the picture. I'm in the blind on that one. I'm not sure if OM has g/f, I do know that he has an ex-wife. I need to find out. I don't want to be a doormat even for my own self respect.

I haven't been initiating any contact and I know I should be pushing the separation agreement. I don't know what's keeping me from it.
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post #59 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 07:48 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

pwnc

You said divorce takes a year in your state.

Keep moving forward.

If you want your wife back then let her earn it and show you over the next year.

And if your wife wants to be back then she tells you and her family the entire truth.

Everything.

Don't be in a rush. You have all the time in the world to see how you feel in a few months.

HM
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post #60 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 08:00 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Every one 2nd guesses their decision. I brought up the R because it would have

eventually. Read my thread Crossroads: Sink or Swim. My STBXW thought bringing home

a pizza for me was enough to start the ball rolling for a R.

Push forward with agreement. As HM64 says, it takes a year.

Enforce your boundaries. Change the locks. Let her realize what life will be like

without you. She is in a fantasy.... when reality sets in... she will definitely let you know

That's when the blame shifting, anger, and rewriting of history will start.

Mourn her loss.... and move forward. Work out, run, don't sit and home and dwell.

Idle time is the devil's workshop.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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