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post #61 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 08:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Thank you Happyman and Chuck. I feel like I had made so much progress and ended up back at square one. I know what both of you say is right on.

I'll read your thread Chuck.

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post #62 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 09:10 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I have three main ones. The first one is maybe 50 posts. Sink or Swim is maybe

150 posts. My current is sorta long but where you are at, stick to Sink or Swim.

We've all been there. Just post away.....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #63 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-02-2015, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
I have three main ones. The first one is maybe 50 posts. Sink or Swim is maybe

150 posts. My current is sorta long but where you are at, stick to Sink or Swim.

We've all been there. Just post away.....
Just read "Sink or Swim." Wow! Well handled. I hope to get to that place of sticking to the plan.


"Whenever her master plan falls by the wayside..... I get to hear her vent. I ignore until I receive the desired response. Only at that time will she receive a response."

I have been able to employ the above strategy. It works like a charm. When I ignore blame, demands, and/or anger, I soon get something more reasonable to which I can then respond.

This has been the worse night in a while. I can't sleep and I've been super emotional. I've been flooded with memories and a desire to see her and communicate with her. Not hearing back from her after she cleaned the house yesterday and left her stuff has been eating at me I have to admit.

It's also been all I can do to not send her a "thank you" text for the coffee she brought and left for me - my favourite kind.
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post #64 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-03-2015, 06:11 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I would like a nice comfortable life, half your land and half your business.

Please give me your address so I know where to drop off your coffee and I will clean the house on my way out.

Think about that......

Don't sell yourself short to any woman.
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post #65 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-03-2015, 07:16 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
Just read "Sink or Swim." Wow! Well handled. I hope to get to that place of sticking to the plan.


"Whenever her master plan falls by the wayside..... I get to hear her vent. I ignore until I receive the desired response. Only at that time will she receive a response."

I have been able to employ the above strategy. It works like a charm. When I ignore blame, demands, and/or anger, I soon get something more reasonable to which I can then respond.

This has been the worse night in a while. I can't sleep and I've been super emotional. I've been flooded with memories and a desire to see her and communicate with her. Not hearing back from her after she cleaned the house yesterday and left her stuff has been eating at me I have to admit.

It's also been all I can do to not send her a "thank you" text for the coffee she brought and left for me - my favourite kind.
She is attempting to gauge your emotions. The coffee n cleaning had a

motive. She is "fishing." Do not respond. She will then wonder why you didn't.

Silence has more power than we realize. Keep the ball in her court.

Get to 50k feet and observe what she does. What often happens is.... the

moment she realizes you no longer give a damn, she will give a damn.

Watch what she does NOT what she says

90% of what comes out of her mouth is garbage

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #66 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-03-2015, 08:53 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

PWNC,

Chuck and HappyMan are great advisors. Won't hurt to reread their posts.

Your WAW cheating honey did the laundry and dishes before she split while leaving her possessions behind. That was sweet of her, NOT.

Sometimes people talk about the betrayed husband being plan B. You are not plan B but plan A. Your wife is giving up the pvssy to some douche who is could give a hoot about her. His plan is to enjoy her until she becomes tiresome and then send her home to plan A sugar daddy (you). So yeah you are plan A, only you are not the man she wants to bang her.

Your wife's family don't want you to D her because they know that once you refuse to be plan A, they will have to be plan A (sugar ma and pa). They don't want her dysfunctional azz on their dime.

You don't have children. Lucky you. She is probably BPD or a narcissist. You need her to be gone. You need that lawyer to get his butt into gear.

If you unwisely allow heart to over rule head, you should still file for separation and divorce. You can always date her (but don't do it). She is a permanent pocketful of trouble.
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post #67 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-03-2015, 09:13 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

PWNC............ read this thread cover to cover

he too had no kids with his BSC wife

your story and his are similar

Separated from Wife - Really want her back.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #68 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-03-2015, 08:00 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her.
PWNC, I agree with LongWalk (post #66) that you seem to be describing a few of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if they are relevant to your situation. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I also would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join LongWalk and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Quote:
She has no such history in the past.
PWNC, if this is really true, there is virtually no chance that she has a persistent problem with strong BPD traits -- or any other PD traits. It is extremely rare -- if it ever happens at all -- for a person having a lifetime PD problem to stop showing the symptoms for several years (e.g., for the first 3.5 years of your 4 year marriage).

On the other hand, it is common for a normal, healthy person to experience a temporary flare up of her BPD traits. I mention this because BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means we all exhibit these traits to some degree. And we all can get temporary flare ups at various points in our lives. They can flare up to a very strong level -- perhaps for a year or two -- when a person experiences a strong change in hormones (e.g., as often occurs during puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause). The average age for perimenopause in the USA is 51 years, and the normal range of onset is any time between age 40 and age 58. Is your W in that age range? If so, has she been evaluated by a doctor for a possible hormone change?
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post #69 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-13-2015, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I've been away from the forum for a few days. So much has happened.

I found out that my wife had been living in the woods out of her car for the past month out of fear of coming home.

I found her and asked her to move back in until things are settled.

She said she wanted an R more than anything in the world. So I offered her the car and a nice sum of money to move out and get a new start on her life. She turned it down. Then I offered to fly her to her parents and to give her a sum of money to get started there. She turned it down. I wanted to make sure she wasn't back to use me for the money.

She says she wants time to prove that she's sorry, remorseful, and ready to be totally honest. I am extremely cautious, but I'm prepared to give her a few months.

So far, she has been open and has answered every question I have had. She has shared all passwords and codes. The phone and internet records don't reflect anything suspicious to date. She has taken responsibility for everything and has not done any blame shifting. She says she will do anything that I want or need to help rebuild the relationship.

Meanwhile, I am in a different spot. I'm happy to give this some time, but I'm also indifferent as to the outcome. I will also give in an effort to rebuild, but I won't sacrifice myself any more. I can take it or leave it and that feels good.

I can feel that I still love her and I feel genuine love from her. But I am more interested in taking care of me. I feel like I've grown so much over the past few months. If she wants to ride on that bus with me, she's welcome. If not, the door swings both ways.

Those who are looking for a chance at R, take the advice given here very seriously. I don't know if my situation will work out in the end, but the marriage only has this chance because of what I learned from others' experiences here. You have to take care of yourself first. You have to be willing to walk away and not look back. You have to accept your situation and let go of the fear of losing your spouse. Those things really do draw the other person back. My wife keeps marveling at my new found confidence and my focus on my purpose and goals. Not only are they attractive to her, but they make me know that if the relationship doesn't work, I will be fine.

All that said, I can see now that a true R will take so much hard work. The ups and downs of the separations were hard, but in that case, I only had me to work on. Now there are two of us again. We'll see if I'm up to it.

My short term goal is to get W some professional help. I'm not sure if she's truly BPD, but her behaviours fit some of the description in the post above. We need to find out for sure ASAP. My other goal is for my home to be a drama-free zone. That's the make or break with me.
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post #70 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-13-2015, 03:44 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

You listened and learned..... wasn't hard at all was it?

Not being afraid to lose her..... many confuse that with hurting when they're gone

I was never afraid of losing my XW.... I just wasn't looking forward to the heartache I had to go though.

Keep us posted and I wish you obtain whatever it is you seek with her.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #71 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-13-2015, 06:45 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Your wife needs professional counseling.

I think that effort as a short term goal is your best course of action.

Good Luck
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post #72 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-13-2015, 07:13 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

One piece of advice...... beware of how she uses her snatch....

check out Gutpunch's Journal in January 2013

and notice the "spider webs"

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #73 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-17-2015, 02:46 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

How is the R going?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #74 of 312 (permalink) Old 04-20-2015, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Chuck71,

I read Gutpunches Journal. Yes, the snatch can snatch you into its web! Luckily, we haven't gone that route. I'm not ready.

The R is tough. She's really depressed, remorseful, and dealing with a lot of guilt. That's good, but I'm much further down the road. I'm ready to have a good year. It's been so sh@$ty for the last few months. We've begun to go out and do things we both enjoy. Those times are good. She's treating me good, being honest and open. But I'm more ready for the positive. She's still feeling negative about herself. So, we'll see. I'm still in the take it or leave it mood. It feels good to be in that spot.

She needs some IC, but she's not there yet.

I'm learning that these things are slow and there are many ups and downs on both sides. Just got to be happy with myself, take care of myself and be patient.

Life is one big classroom.
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post #75 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So, the big R turned out to be a big false. For a few weeks, things went well. She was showing all the signs of a new commitment to the marriage and she was following up with actions. She was open with all of her communication devices, even to the point of asking me to keep them with me when we were apart. We also had only one vehicle between us, so we knew each other's whereabouts at all times. We were both working on it and we were having fun times together.

Then things went down hill quickly. The OP came back into the picture. He started contacting her during our anniversary trip. Her warmth and sweetness toward me disappeared almost instantly. She stayed and she told me that she had decided to stay in the marriage, that she would not run away again. She didn't, but things got crazy. The OP threatened to kill himself. She felt totally responsible. There was so much drama. She would constantly check on him, reach out to his family and friends to make sure he hadn't done the deed. Of course, he didn't. He didn't intend to. But there I was. She asked me to support her and she asked me to protect her from him. Turns out he spent time in prison for a weapons charge. Also turns out, that his previous wives had restraining orders taken out on him.

His behaviour got increasingly weird. It was actually driving the wife and I closer. She preferred being with me because there was no drama. He confronted me at my house. He showed up there twice. I contacted the sherriff. He continued to threaten to kill himself. Then, all of the sudden, his behaviour changed - a 180. My gut knew exactly why, she began telling him that there was hope for their relationship.

So now, we're separated. We still see each other frequently. I'm working on pulling back again. Things are really strange. The affection from her is sporadic. I don't initiate any of it. When we separated, I got "I love you" again for a few days, something I hadn't heard in weeks.

Having spent some quality time with her, I've continued to be committed to working on a future reconciliation. I know a happy marriage is possible. But I'm having to change tactics.

On my side, the first few days of separation were brutal, but in the last two days, I've found my groove.

I have a lot to share, hopefully stuff that will help others. And I hope that you all can help me with some questions I have.
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