Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?
I've been reading so much since this began a few months ago. I'm trying to learn all I can - partly in an attempt to reconcile, but mostly just for me to take better care of myself and to be a better partner in the future either to my wife or future partner.
I've struggled with what exactly my contribution was to problems in our marriage. At first, I blamed her exclusively. Then, I blamed myself for everything. After studying, I see that it takes two to ruin a marriage.
After studying the distancer/pursuer dynamic, I realize, of course, that I've been the pursuer since this crisis began. It's behaviour that I've had to constantly reign in. But, I've recently come to realize that I was the distancer prior to the crisis. When my wife is open to constructively talking about the problems in our marriage, she describes my behaviour as controlling and aloof, that she felt a lack of true commitment, that I focused too much on work and friends, that I didn't value or respect her opinion or input. You know, she's exactly right! It's the same behaviour that destroyed a prior long-term relationship. Of course, I know it was her choice how she reacted to it, but it is damn frustrating that it took a crisis and multiple separations for me to realize this! At least, I know this going into the future.
So, I have a question. She needed and wanted more attention and focus on her during our marriage, when she was the pursuer. Now that the roles have flipped, I read that I need to stop all pursuing behaviours. It seems counter intuitive since that's high on her list of emotional needs. And it seems dangerous since the OP is fulfilling that need now. What is your experience, insight? Is it best to stop those behaviours completely or is there a balance?