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post #76 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I've been reading so much since this began a few months ago. I'm trying to learn all I can - partly in an attempt to reconcile, but mostly just for me to take better care of myself and to be a better partner in the future either to my wife or future partner.

I've struggled with what exactly my contribution was to problems in our marriage. At first, I blamed her exclusively. Then, I blamed myself for everything. After studying, I see that it takes two to ruin a marriage.

After studying the distancer/pursuer dynamic, I realize, of course, that I've been the pursuer since this crisis began. It's behaviour that I've had to constantly reign in. But, I've recently come to realize that I was the distancer prior to the crisis. When my wife is open to constructively talking about the problems in our marriage, she describes my behaviour as controlling and aloof, that she felt a lack of true commitment, that I focused too much on work and friends, that I didn't value or respect her opinion or input. You know, she's exactly right! It's the same behaviour that destroyed a prior long-term relationship. Of course, I know it was her choice how she reacted to it, but it is damn frustrating that it took a crisis and multiple separations for me to realize this! At least, I know this going into the future.

So, I have a question. She needed and wanted more attention and focus on her during our marriage, when she was the pursuer. Now that the roles have flipped, I read that I need to stop all pursuing behaviours. It seems counter intuitive since that's high on her list of emotional needs. And it seems dangerous since the OP is fulfilling that need now. What is your experience, insight? Is it best to stop those behaviours completely or is there a balance?

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post #77 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 01:55 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
So, the big R turned out to be a big false. For a few weeks, things went well. She was showing all the signs of a new commitment to the marriage and she was following up with actions. She was open with all of her communication devices, even to the point of asking me to keep them with me when we were apart. We also had only one vehicle between us, so we knew each other's whereabouts at all times. We were both working on it and we were having fun times together.

Then things went down hill quickly. The OP came back into the picture. He started contacting her during our anniversary trip. Her warmth and sweetness toward me disappeared almost instantly. She stayed and she told me that she had decided to stay in the marriage, that she would not run away again. She didn't, but things got crazy. The OP threatened to kill himself. She felt totally responsible. There was so much drama. She would constantly check on him, reach out to his family and friends to make sure he hadn't done the deed. Of course, he didn't. He didn't intend to. But there I was. She asked me to support her and she asked me to protect her from him. Turns out he spent time in prison for a weapons charge. Also turns out, that his previous wives had restraining orders taken out on him.

His behaviour got increasingly weird. It was actually driving the wife and I closer. She preferred being with me because there was no drama. He confronted me at my house. He showed up there twice. I contacted the sherriff. He continued to threaten to kill himself. Then, all of the sudden, his behaviour changed - a 180. My gut knew exactly why, she began telling him that there was hope for their relationship.

So now, we're separated. We still see each other frequently. I'm working on pulling back again. Things are really strange. The affection from her is sporadic. I don't initiate any of it. When we separated, I got "I love you" again for a few days, something I hadn't heard in weeks.

Having spent some quality time with her, I've continued to be committed to working on a future reconciliation. I know a happy marriage is possible. But I'm having to change tactics.

On my side, the first few days of separation were brutal, but in the last two days, I've found my groove.

I have a lot to share, hopefully stuff that will help others. And I hope that you all can help me with some questions I have.
Sooo... you're cool w/ her yo-yoing back and forth between yourself and OM?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #78 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 01:58 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
I've been reading so much since this began a few months ago. I'm trying to learn all I can - partly in an attempt to reconcile, but mostly just for me to take better care of myself and to be a better partner in the future either to my wife or future partner.

I've struggled with what exactly my contribution was to problems in our marriage. At first, I blamed her exclusively. Then, I blamed myself for everything. After studying, I see that it takes two to ruin a marriage.

After studying the distancer/pursuer dynamic, I realize, of course, that I've been the pursuer since this crisis began. It's behaviour that I've had to constantly reign in. But, I've recently come to realize that I was the distancer prior to the crisis. When my wife is open to constructively talking about the problems in our marriage, she describes my behaviour as controlling and aloof, that she felt a lack of true commitment, that I focused too much on work and friends, that I didn't value or respect her opinion or input. You know, she's exactly right! It's the same behaviour that destroyed a prior long-term relationship. Of course, I know it was her choice how she reacted to it, but it is damn frustrating that it took a crisis and multiple separations for me to realize this! At least, I know this going into the future.

So, I have a question. She needed and wanted more attention and focus on her during our marriage, when she was the pursuer. Now that the roles have flipped, I read that I need to stop all pursuing behaviours. It seems counter intuitive since that's high on her list of emotional needs. And it seems dangerous since the OP is fulfilling that need now. What is your experience, insight? Is it best to stop those behaviours completely or is there a balance?
For as long as OM is in the picture at all, you need to put a stop to any and all pursuit of your WW. If and when he's finally out of the picture (assuming that you're still looking to reconcile at that point), you can get to work on finding a balance.

Right now it would amount to nothing more than a waste of your time.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #79 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 02:06 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I think you have learned that you cannot trust her 100% now. You need to go back to divorcing her cold, and moving on with your life. How many more times do you need to be fooled by her? You are wasting your time with this.
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post #80 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 02:49 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So your okay being a doormat? i mean honestly how many more times does she have to walk all over you until you get the picture...no offense PW, but i honestly didn't know Forrest Gump actually existed. Please please wake up.
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post #81 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 07:13 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

You do realize you're her Plan B, right? Is that really what you want? To be someone she goes back to when she's on the outs with this OM (or some other one)? You think that little of yourself and believe that's all you deserve?

WAKE UP!!!
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post #82 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 07:54 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

PWNC..... all you have to do is re-read what you were told in your previous posts.

Did you read the blog I mentioned on post #67? Veteran posters on TAM see this VERY often....

This POSOM is total BSC and your W.... feeds off of that. It is very unhealthy. With no kids, GTFO now.

You tried and tried and still want things to work..... well look where your effort has got you. How do you feel?

"She self-sabotaged the M because she felt like she did not deserve a healthy one."

In her mind..... this M is going great.... it is destined to fail.... I might as well blow everything up

since it can't last forever. She is a defeatist. The nicer you are... the more she pulls away.

She was paying everything for POSOM.... she wanted his approval. She was placing you as Plan B

while YOU were giving HER $$$ to fulfill POSOM's wants. Sit on that statement and tell me how

you feel tomorrow. I highly recommend reading the thread I recommended.

Also you are caught in a Drama Triangle..... read this link

The Three Faces of Victim ? An Overview of the Drama Triangle

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #83 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 10:58 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

pwnc

The gang is right. You are allowing your wife to sit on the fence.

Break the dynamic. Pull back on your marriage and put the focus on you.

Tell your wife that you are not willing to share her in the marriage.

Then make arrangements when you are ready to move forward without her.

HM
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post #84 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 01:24 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Google the NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY free download. At the same time read the MMSLP book linked to below. It can also be downloaded at amazon. Com.

These books will show you how you have literally defeated all your efforts.

Good luck
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post #85 of 312 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 05:34 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Unless she agrees to 100% no contact with the OM and his crowd then you need to divorce her. No question about it.

Even if she does this she needs to start IC to address her behaviors. She also needs to do a "tell all" with her family that lets them know her actions. Failure to do this should be grounds for a divorce.

Get a legal agreement worked out now over the land and the business so when she goes off the rails again you don't have that to contend with. Separate your money as well.

STD tests of course.

Do Not Have Children With Her. DONT DO IT.

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post #86 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-08-2016, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So, everyone on here was right. It just took me an additional year to get it through my thick skull. After two more attempts at reconciliation, at her request, after counseling, setting up shared a shared FaceBook account, canceling her phone so there would be no secrets, and after getting the police involved to protect her because she felt threatened by the OM, and after he got arrested and moved across the country, my son caught her talking to the OM about their future plans this afternoon. He called me. I came home. Told her to pack up ALL of her stuff and never come back. So, she's gone. This time, I haven't shed a tear. In fact, I feel a little relieved and excited to get the ball rolling on the divorce.

I did myself proud this time - no nice guy crap.

Everyone was right. I should have done this a year ago. But I needed to learn all this junk on my own.
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post #87 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-08-2016, 11:38 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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So, everyone on here was right. It just took me an additional year to get it through my thick skull. After two more attempts at reconciliation, at her request, after counseling, setting up shared a shared FaceBook account, canceling her phone so there would be no secrets, and after getting the police involved to protect her because she felt threatened by the OM, and after he got arrested and moved across the country, my son caught her talking to the OM about their future plans this afternoon. He called me. I came home. Told her to pack up ALL of her stuff and never come back. So, she's gone. This time, I haven't shed a tear. In fact, I feel a little relieved and excited to get the ball rolling on the divorce.

I did myself proud this time - no nice guy crap.

Everyone was right. I should have done this a year ago. But I needed to learn all this junk on my own.

Good job. Here is one CRUCIAL lesson guys need to learn. If your woman is in love with another man let her a** go. When women fall they fall hard. It is very difficult for them to just move on. Took you a year to learn this but at least you did. I hope everything works out for you now.
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post #88 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 04:52 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Now you know what false R looks like.

Sorry it took additional time to learn but sometimes it takes a virtual brick to the head to finally see clearly.

It's really onwards and upwards from here.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #89 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 09:44 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

PWNC..... You stuck around TAM a couple months but never posted again. So... I kinda knew,

as did others. Hindsights 20 / 20 ..... often used for this very reason. But now you KNOW.

No 2nd guessing as some do. I used to be bad about 2nd guessing with matters of the heart

back in my 20s. "It will be better 2nd time around..... total BS." How old is the child?

What is the custody set-up? Child support? Did you keep the home?

How long before D final where you reside?

Thanks for the update...... most threads never receive updates.... unless they're positive ones

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #90 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

PWNC: You seem to me in a similar situation to what I delt with over the past 2+ years.

Heres the thing you should know. Your wife is not NORMAL, your marriage was not NORMAL. It was just YOUR NORMAL

There are people out there who aren't narcissistic like your stbx and mine. There are people who will give as much as they take. We just met the wrong ones. Its really as simple as that. Why did we meet the wrong people? Its called co-dependency. We are drawn to these people....

You my friend are co-dependent and need to work on breaking this. I am still working and am not even close...5 months in.

Until you break this you are doomed to repeat the pattern. Maybe not with her (hopefully you can see now you cant with her) but with the next one you meet.

I can tell your a nice guy. You want to do things to please other people. You probably have yourself convinced that while doing these things its making you happy also. Question yourself, was it really making you happy or just making you feel secure?

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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