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post #91 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Had some sadness this morning. There's a part of my wife that is genuine, caring, and warm. I'll miss that part. It's almost like mourning the death of someone. The lies and deception I will not miss.

I learned from one of her friends this morning that she's been comparing me to the OM lately - he's more fun because he likes to party hard at bars and get into fights, drinks daily, has been in prison, and is part of a gang. I ain't a woman, but if I were, those things would be real turn offs.

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post #92 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by unbe View Post
PWNC: You seem to me in a similar situation to what I delt with over the past 2+ years.

Heres the thing you should know. Your wife is not NORMAL, your marriage was not NORMAL. It was just YOUR NORMAL

There are people out there who aren't narcissistic like your stbx and mine. There are people who will give as much as they take. We just met the wrong ones. Its really as simple as that. Why did we meet the wrong people? Its called co-dependency. We are drawn to these people....

You my friend are co-dependent and need to work on breaking this. I am still working and am not even close...5 months in.

Until you break this you are doomed to repeat the pattern. Maybe not with her (hopefully you can see now you cant with her) but with the next one you meet.

I can tell your a nice guy. You want to do things to please other people. You probably have yourself convinced that while doing these things its making you happy also. Question yourself, was it really making you happy or just making you feel secure?
Glad to see those clouds part eh Unbe?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #93 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Had some sadness this morning. There's a part of my wife that is genuine, caring, and warm. I'll miss that part. It's almost like mourning the death of someone. The lies and deception I will not miss.

I learned from one of her friends this morning that she's been comparing me to the OM lately - he's more fun because he likes to party hard at bars and get into fights, drinks daily, has been in prison, and is part of a gang. I ain't a woman, but if I were, those things would be real turn offs.
Well scum attracts scum. What does that say about her?

She likes bad boys. Most women do....until they start getting knocked around.

You need to read No more Mr. Nice Guy and absorb what you read and put it into practice.
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post #94 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 11:52 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Well scum attracts scum. What does that say about her?

She likes bad boys. Most women do....until they start getting knocked around.

You need to read No more Mr. Nice Guy and absorb what you read and put it into practice.
Women who are looking for bad boys are broken women. What a healthy woman wants is a strong man with integrity who they can count on to have their back and do whatever it takes to do the right thing. Broken women get this all mixed up and they see the "bad boy" as someone who won't back down and is strong, when really those men are just as broken and have no clue to how to handle anything with integrity and honor.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #95 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Glad to see those clouds part eh Unbe?
Clouds have parted for some time now. It was a matter of acting on what I was seeing once they did part that was the real challenge (and still is)

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #96 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-10-2016, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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a strong man with integrity who they can count on to have their back and do whatever it takes to do the right thing.
That's how she describes me to her friends and family. That's what she says she wants, but obviously it's not really.

I'm looking forward to meeting someone healthy some day.
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post #97 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-10-2016, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

She sent a message telling me where I could pick up our car. And she asked me what she could do to make it easier on my end. What nerve! And that she hopes everyone is ok. Well, they're not - my family, especially my grandmother and son are taking it hard.

She told a friend that she's mad at my son for listening to her conversation with OM on the phone. Her friend told her that it's her own fault for calling OM from home and that her stepson shouldn't have to be the one to hear such things. Of course, it's everyone else fault. She also said she didn't want this to happen this way and so suddenly. These things make me angry and it feels good.
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post #98 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-10-2016, 03:49 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

She is a piece of work...as Dr. Phil say you can't fix what you don't own....your doing the best thing for you and your son moving on....you need now to show your son that you are a real man and not a doormat. Good Luck
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post #99 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-10-2016, 04:09 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Just be wary of her offering to clean your house again.......

we know how that ended up.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #100 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-10-2016, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Just be wary of her offering to clean your house again.......

we know how that ended up.
Yeah, no kidding!

At least this time he wisked her off 500 miles from here.

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post #101 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbe View Post
PWNC: You seem to me in a similar situation to what I delt with over the past 2+ years.

Heres the thing you should know. Your wife is not NORMAL, your marriage was not NORMAL. It was just YOUR NORMAL

There are people out there who aren't narcissistic like your stbx and mine. There are people who will give as much as they take. We just met the wrong ones. Its really as simple as that. Why did we meet the wrong people? Its called co-dependency. We are drawn to these people....

You my friend are co-dependent and need to work on breaking this. I am still working and am not even close...5 months in.

Until you break this you are doomed to repeat the pattern. Maybe not with her (hopefully you can see now you cant with her) but with the next one you meet.

I can tell your a nice guy. You want to do things to please other people. You probably have yourself convinced that while doing these things its making you happy also. Question yourself, was it really making you happy or just making you feel secure?
Dang right. Being alone and all of the sudden the person you focused on is gone gives you a lot of time for introspection. I have a real problem with codependency - with her. Thing is, I have a pretty balanced life otherwise. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I seem to have it down in every aspect except her. Not sure exactly how to get the addiction out of me, but one things for sure - I am ready!

What you said about making me happy vs. trying to find security is exactly right. Spending all my time trying to please someone who didn't value me was exhausting and unfulfilling. I thought, against all the odds and against all sound advice, that it would lead to a more secure relationship. Martyr. Doesn't work in any other aspect of my life, not sure why I thought it would work with my marriage.
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post #102 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

There are numerous threads you can read here which were mirror to your situation.

Some have happy endings. Some don't. Most of those are where the thread ends abruptly.

If you'd like.... I will post one at the end. If you think your situation was bad... check this guy out.

It's still an active thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private...co-worker.html

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #103 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
There are numerous threads you can read here which were mirror to your situation.

Some have happy endings. Some don't. Most of those are where the thread ends abruptly.

If you'd like.... I will post one at the end. If you think your situation was bad... check this guy out.

It's still an active thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private...co-worker.html
Wow! That's some story. Better knowing I wasn't the only one jumping into a pool without water and wondering why it hurt.
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post #104 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

This is a setback day for me. I've been putting on my big boy pants every day lately and doing the things I need to do. But this morning, I can't find my big boy pants.

I had a meeting at the project we worked on together, part of my work, but she was the real spirit behind it. Most of the people involved know that she's gone. They're bummed out her leaving and worried about me. I didn't let on, just did what I had to do. But, it made me miss the good part of her. Made me sad that that's not the part of her that guides her - the part that people love, the part that gives, the part that finds joy in life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not backsliding. The good does not outweigh the bad. I'm not getting sentimental. Just felt sad that that person is gone, got eat up by some other self-consumed person who I don't even know.

I'm a leader in the family and in the work I do. People depend on me, which is a good thing work-wise. I wish that wasn't the case for a few days. I really would like to just hide out for a day or two. But, impossible. Phone keeps on ringing, work keeps piling up. The more I sit here, the more the deadlines are adding to the stress.

The good news is I do feel differently overall. She sent me an address this morning where I can send the separation papers. The old me would have jumped at the opportunity to reopen communication, get back in the pick me game. Not anymore, I feel a huge sense of relief that I don't have to ride that roller coaster anymore. Someone else bought that ticket.

It's become very clear to me too that I was letting this crap happen to me. Boy, if I could have gotten my man on earlier.

The sense of freedom from the game feels great. The sense of loss, I just need a little time with it to get it out of my system.

Thank God there are 10,000 crappy things to remind me not to spend too much energy on that loss.

Last edited by pwnc; 05-16-2016 at 10:43 AM. Reason: Cursing is against the rules.
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post #105 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Keep looking forward. Stay the course towards ending the marriage and getting your life back.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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