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post #121 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Getting in the woods, doing a hard couple of hours intense steep hike and leaving the phone in the car felt great.

The buddy and I actually managed to laugh about all the crazy #@it that's happened the past year. Some of it, I had forgotten. Can't believe some of it was real. Seems like I'll get some good sleep tonight for a change.

Exercise and laughing at the absurd is great advice in these situations.

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post #122 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Man, mornings are hard. I usually feel pretty good around bed time, but mornings are tough.

Been reading a lot of threads just to get an idea of how these things work and how people get on successfully with their lives.

I've noticed, of course, that wives check out way before leaving and/or cheating. That process usually takes years and the wife usually puts some sort of effort into making the marriage work. That sure didn't happen in my case. At the first sign of unhappiness, mine checked out and checked in with someone else.

It also amazes me how attached we men become to one person. If you believe all the crap you hear or read in pop culture you would think it was women who get super glued to one person. Seems like we men have a hard time breaking attachments.

And danged if all the stories, although nuanced, don't have the same basic plot and the same lines. There are some exceptions. But I find that upon reading the first few posts of a thread, I can predict if there will be an affair later on in the thread. Of course, that's old news for the veterans here, but it's amazing to me how the behaviour fits such a pattern.
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post #123 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

S&%t! I've fallen apart today. I don't know why.

Feel frozen. Don't want to be anywhere. Sucks.
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post #124 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
Focus on next near steps. What are you accomplishing today?
I have so much work to do and I host a public meeting in three hours. I get into work and right in the middle, I fall apart. I sure don't feel like being in front of the public, but I have no choice. I almost broke down on a phone call earlier, found a quick escape. That ain't normal me.

Woke up feeling pretty good, but spiraled down quickly.
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post #125 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

You're right sapientia. Just took a little walk. Trying to breath a little in between things I need to do.

I'm really surprised at myself. My logic and my plan are straight, but my emotions are all over the place. The only other time I've felt so overwhelmed and edgy is after I found my uncle dead from a shotgun in his mouth a few years back. I had to be strong for the family then, but I felt like I wanted to run a thousand miles away. Feeling that way now.

I set up an appointment to start IC again. I got to get out of this spot so I can move on.

Thank God W is a few states away and not starting drama. At least that's one less worry.
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post #126 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Smart move to get back into therapy. I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your uncle. That is an extremely traumatic experience. Hopefully you have worked through that. If not, that needs to be addressed. And yes it's good that stbx is not nearby.
You are going to make it through this. Take it one day at a time and you will see that things ease up as the days go by. Someday it will just be a memory.

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post #127 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 08:18 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Not a thing wrong with mourning the loss of a spouse. In a way... you feel as if she "died" awhile back.

Better to face this head on.... if you run / hide from the pain, it will still be there when you stop.

Some people run right into another LTR / M to escape the pain. Those virtually NEVER last.

If one does not work on themselves after a D... they WILL repeat their same mistakes.

Everyone has a part in the M ending.... own your part.... improve in those areas. Work on you.

She set you free.... you just don't "really" realize it yet.

Trust me.... that day will come.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #128 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Smart move to get back into therapy. I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your uncle. That is an extremely traumatic experience. Hopefully you have worked through that.
I had trouble with sleeping and images after my uncle. A friend of mine secretly scheduled a counseling appointment and tricked me into going. Best gift ever. It took some time, but I worked through it. Made me a believer in good counseling.

I'm looking forward to this being just a memory.
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post #129 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Dang right. Being alone and all of the sudden the person you focused on is gone gives you a lot of time for introspection. I have a real problem with codependency - with her. Thing is, I have a pretty balanced life otherwise. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I seem to have it down in every aspect except her. Not sure exactly how to get the addiction out of me, but one things for sure - I am ready!

What you said about making me happy vs. trying to find security is exactly right. Spending all my time trying to please someone who didn't value me was exhausting and unfulfilling. I thought, against all the odds and against all sound advice, that it would lead to a more secure relationship. Martyr. Doesn't work in any other aspect of my life, not sure why I thought it would work with my marriage.
Read Co-dependency No more by M Beattie.
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post #130 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:26 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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S&%t! I've fallen apart today. I don't know why.

Feel frozen. Don't want to be anywhere. Sucks.
You have to take control of your situation.
Get rid of your WW from your life

Do other things apart from work, exercise, join a charity, help the neighbours, etc. You need to keep busy.

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post #131 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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You have to take control of your situation.
Get rid of your WW from your life

Do other things apart from work, exercise, join a charity, help the neighbours, etc. You need to keep busy.
You're right. I have three more days of a lot of work. My plan is to get everything done before Sunday and take that day to get out in the woods or in the river, no phone.
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post #132 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Tomorrow at 5 I meet with the lawyer to amend the separation agreement. He said he will send it immediately.

I'm relieved to get that moving.
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post #133 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 08:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Better day today. Separation papers are done on my end. Now, the ball's in her court.
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post #134 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Read Co-dependency No more by M Beattie.
Thanks! I've started reading it. It's an eye opener and right on in terms of some of my behavior and almost all of my stbx's behavior.

The advice in the book is great. I'm on the detachment chapter. I need the detachment badly. It helps that stbx is so far away and dark. It's giving me space to focus on myself. Now I have to work on being just as strong when she inevitably tries to push her way back into my life.
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post #135 of 312 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 07:00 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Another good one if you haven't read it yet: Awareness, Anthony De Mello.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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