Walk away spouse and finances.. advice? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
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Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

First, thank you for this forum!

My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her. She has no such history in the past. She admitted to cheating last year and has been in and out of contact with the other person. She is currently gone and may well be living with him. I don't know. She claims that I have been a wonderful husband and that there's nothing wrong with me. She "just has to get her head straight." I don't even know what that means.

We've been married four years, no kids. Most everything is in our names jointly. I have been the primary provider financially. She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts? And if so, any advice on how to do that without being a butt?

I know this may seem obvious to some of you, but please understand that I'm the type to worry about her well being.

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post #2 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 09:29 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I don't know the answer to your questions. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and file. Since everything is joint property, assume for now that it'll be split 50/50. You don't want to get in trouble for putting joint money in a separate account, but I totally get wanting to protect it.

Don't wait. If she's unstable, your money and credit history could be in jeopardy. If she or you want to work on the marriage moving forward, that's still fine. You can always remarry if she earns your love and trust again. But right now you have to protect yourself.

I'm sorry you're here!
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post #3 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 12:53 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

She certainly sounds unstable, and a poor excuse for a life-mate. Ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this behavior. Cheating, unreliable, unstable.

You can always seek a legal separation and separate finances. I would think that with her instability it would be prudent for your financial protection. How do you know what she's up to when she poofs away. If you don't want to divorce her that's entirely your call, but a separation agreement could protect you from her instability.
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post #4 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 01:25 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

This woman def. sounds like a wild one.

I would keep money separate still yet talk with lawyer. For all you know, she could be on drugs or a self-destructive path, so it is best for your finances to be kept away from her. If you can somehow get her to sign D papers, then judge can order maintenance, but for now it would be advisable to start throwing into a savings account money that would probably be awarded to her, so you can prove to court you had every intention to be equitable with finances, but was worried about decision-making impairment on her part...such as drugs, mental disorder, etc.

Do not give her this money until judge tells you to...or something else legally is worked out.

Document her behavior, dates leaving/returning as well as conversations...you need to establish that this women is unstable. I know borderline personality disorder can surface in adulthood.

Stop paying her cell. Don't support this unacceptable behavior one bit.

As for insurance..anything that happens to that car...is going to affect you. Was car purchased before marriage? If so, yes...get it back! If purchased after marriage...and solely in your name...in divorce situation, it is community property, but i don't know what that means in a "hey I'm taking the car and falling off the face of the earth" situation. You may be able to report it stolen...just please check with lawyer.

Get a lawyer...don't stay in this marriage. 4 years and she starts acting up like this out of the blue? Yes, could be because she got the cheating bug, but likely it was always been there.

Right now, to her, you are her fallback when the fun runs out. At the same time, she doesn't respect you enough to knock it off. So I would advise for you not to let her back into your life. If she has family...drag her stuff to them. I hope you don't own a home with her...if so, be prepared to sell it at time of D.
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post #5 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

I highly suggest you take half the $$$ out of the joint acct. and set one up in your name only and after that run to a lawyer and file asap.
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post #6 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

So much familiarity here. Yes! you must consult with an attorney and file. This will not get any better. Only 4 years and no children? Run! You will get off lightly.
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post #7 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 01:34 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
First, thank you for this forum!

My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her. She has no such history in the past. She admitted to cheating last year and has been in and out of contact with the other person. She is currently gone and may well be living with him. I don't know. She claims that I have been a wonderful husband and that there's nothing wrong with me. She "just has to get her head straight." I don't even know what that means.

We've been married four years, no kids. Most everything is in our names jointly. I have been the primary provider financially. She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts? And if so, any advice on how to do that without being a butt?

I know this may seem obvious to some of you, but please understand that I'm the type to worry about her well being.
Have you let her immediate family know what she is up to?
Anyway smart of you to move the money.
Lawyer today if not sooner.
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post #8 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

tom67, I haven't told her immediate family. I've been trying to do everything to avoid this turning into an ugly situation. They would be shocked. She presents us on FaceBook as if we are still a very happy couple. I have to wonder how the other man feels about that. Weird.

I have taken the consistent advice from this forum and I have an appointment with my lawyer.
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post #9 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 04:23 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by northernlights View Post
I don't know the answer to your questions. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and file. Since everything is joint property, assume for now that it'll be split 50/50. You don't want to get in trouble for putting joint money in a separate account, but I totally get wanting to protect it.

Don't wait. If she's unstable, your money and credit history could be in jeopardy. If she or you want to work on the marriage moving forward, that's still fine. You can always remarry if she earns your love and trust again. But right now you have to protect yourself.

I'm sorry you're here!
Just clarify for the OP. He will not get in trouble for putting joint money in a separate account in his name only. Joint accounts are not required in marriage.
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post #10 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 04:34 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pwnc View Post
First, thank you for this forum!

My wife has left the marriage three times in the past 5 months. It's been a cycle - disappear for a couple of weeks, contact, come back, perfect feeling marriage for a few weeks, disappear again. Her personality does a 180 within a matter of a few minutes, something new for her. She has no such history in the past. She admitted to cheating last year and has been in and out of contact with the other person. She is currently gone and may well be living with him. I don't know. She claims that I have been a wonderful husband and that there's nothing wrong with me. She "just has to get her head straight." I don't even know what that means.

We've been married four years, no kids. Most everything is in our names jointly. I have been the primary provider financially. She currently doesn't have a job. Where ever she is, she's driving a car that is in my name. I'm paying her auto insurance and her cell phone. She has accessed our joint bank account once, but I moved all of the money out of that account now.

I'm looking for advice here. Should I cut her off completely - ask for the car to be returned, cut the cell service, insurance, and open new accounts? And if so, any advice on how to do that without being a butt?

I know this may seem obvious to some of you, but please understand that I'm the type to worry about her wellbeing.
See a lawyer ASAP and get the divorce filed.
If she has no job, how is she living? For all you know she has opened a bunch of credit cards in your name and is charging them up to the hilt. Run your credit report. I would run hers too. Find out what your situation is.
If she is running up credit card bill, depending on your state, you are liable for 50%. And if she cannot pay them, you are liable for 100%.
Do not put any more money in the joint account. As long as there is a good audit tail of where the money has gone, you are ok putting it in an account in your own name. If you have health insurance for her, do not cancel it yet. Generally health insurance has to remain intact until the divorce is final.

Do not take the car back, stop the insurance or her cell service until you talk to an attorney. For one thing you want her to get a job asap. She can ask the court for interim spousal support (30%-50% of your income) until the divorce is final. She’ll get it. So do not do anything that stands in the way of her getting a job.

Bottom line is the above and what others are telling you is just input from our experiences. You need to talk to an attorney ASAP before she puts you in real bind.

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post #11 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 04:43 PM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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They would be shocked. She presents us on FaceBook as if we are still a very happy couple. I have to wonder how the other man feels about that.
Don't worry about him, he's getting his needs met.
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post #12 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-12-2015, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Briefly spoke to my attorney over the phone today. He did say I was right to move the money to safeguard the money for paying bills and such. He also said that I should refrain from communicating with her about joint property or finances until he and I can talk more in depth. And, he said that I should hold off on canceling any of the things I'm currently paying for. I'm hoping to get more time with him tomorrow or Monday.

I'm trying to just stay in a protect myself mode at this point.
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post #13 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 09:28 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

Definitely cancel ALL credit cards, debit cards that she may have.

She is banging POSOM on your dime. Bet the farm they are laid up in bed

laughing at how they got one over on you.

Give defiant people what they want..... for it rarely ever turns out as they had planned.

Your W and that guy.... they are living in a fantasy

time to make it real...

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #14 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 09:32 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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Definitely cancel ALL credit cards, debit cards that she may have.

She is banging POSOM on your dime. Bet the farm they are laid up in bed

laughing at how they got one over on you.

Give defiant people what they want..... for it rarely ever turns out as they had planned.

Your W and that guy.... they are living in a fantasy

time to make it real...
I would let her family know what is going on after you file you may as well get the truth out.
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post #15 of 312 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 09:49 AM
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Re: Walk away spouse and finances.. advice?

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I would let her family know what is going on after you file you may as well get the truth out.


It's time the family and friends were 'let in' on this guy's W's

Grand Illusion. FB is a giant myth.... everyone's happy, smiling,

kids are on honor roll, couples are so in love

it reminds me a lot of Orwell's 1984 more and more

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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