On Sunday I asked my husband to leave our home when things came to a situation I could no longer cope with. I have now put my self in a situation where I do not know whether I should get in contact with him or not and would welcome some advice.
Oct 2010 following a bitter diappointment to him he appeared depressed, resentful towards me, lost interest in our daughter, his friends and hobbies. Would not seek help. Finally told me in Feb under pressure that he did not feel the same way about me. He has done things which have hurt me , led me to not trust him, but he has felt under more suspicion than he really was. Feels he has had to be too accountable. By my own admission I have prevented him doing things he really wanted to, such as join territorial army. Felt he needed to get away sort himself out, do the things he had missed. No promise of reconcilliation but took on extra shifts to allow me to keep house, and us to remain friendly, but not asking me to wait around. We agreed to keep rings on and tell each other if we wanted to start relationship with someone else.
I began 180 to some degree, and things have started to change significantly, to a point where he almost admitted we did have a chance, and that he might even consider individual counselling. His self esteem very low, and he knows his faults, thinks he cannot change. Does not want to take the responsibility I feel.
The weekend very good both doing our own thing, we spoke of finances upon separation, and Sunday he asked if I wanted to go out in the afternoon for a few drinks. (nothing like this in past 8 weeks). I already had plans though, but felt a shift in the right direction whatever the outcome.
Oct 2009 I found a secret phone, he had bought when away and his own phone did not have a signal in the place he was at. He had kept it and been txting someone from an organisation he worked with. Nothing physical had happened. He is not very aware of boundaries, and liked the excitement of this secret. I spoke directly to her, she told me herself that he is inappropriate with everyone, and that she had confided in him when her finace had cheated on her, their friendship had grown. I know her now husband and know nothing happened, but after that I had a year when I was very upset and gave h a very hard time.
Sunday when things improved, I suddenly had a feeling to check his phone just to make sure nobody else involved. I found txts from a work colleague, nothing very sexual, but lots of things you could read into, and xxx, miss you etc. I have not checked his phone since that last episode, as wanted to trust him.
He says nothing going on, txts had become like that in last few weeks, which they had. I contacted her, I sort of believe that there was nothing more. I told her a few choice things about his past, and she advised me to 'dump the f.....! However whether there is or not, I was so hurt that we had been working towards an ammicable split and it felt tainted now. We also separat ed 12 years ago for two years following a short affair he had (following my 4 year depression).
I just did not know what to think and told him to go, I was so upset. Bearing in mind I have been in a limbo since Oct. He is now staying at mutual frinds. He phoned me Monday to see how I was. I told him devestated, He asked if I would be home in the morning, I said no. I asked did he care how I was, and he said of course, I would not ring if not. Also it was not my intention to upset you.
He is now looking for accommodation close to where we live which was his original plan. There is no way he can afford a flat, should be a room. I need to talk to him about finances, but feel too emotional. I want to know how he is. My daughter said he seemed sad and quiet. I don't like to ask our frinds too much as they are in a difficult situation.
I have lost even more weight.
What should I do, contact him to talk. If so just about finances. Will he want to talk after I was very non committal on the phone and he did make the first move. He is not likely to try again is he?
I have made an even bigger mess for myself. He said he did not think it was wrong it was flirting and that was all. He had told me not to wait for him , and did not see anything wrong with having female friends. He said he did not want a relationship, and I sort of believe him as he is not very proud of his sexual performance at the moment another reason for low self-esteem.
Please someone advise me!! I am so sad and lost thinking about our nice weekend, and now this! It is also our daughter's 16th birthday on Sunday, and I don't know whether to buy gifts from both of us or what. Thoughts please!!!
My interpretation of your situation is that you are both hurt, lost and drifting back and forth without purpose or direction for yourselves or your relationship. You are not sure if what he is doing is or is not ok and he is not sure if he is allowed or not allowed. There are other issues, perhaps much deeper ones that are even bigger than the texting, etc. Neither of you seem to have clearly defined what you need/ expect from each other. You have difficulty interpreting each other's intentions.
I would recommend personal counseling to help sort out what you need from your husband and what you will and won't tolerate. Then you can communicate that to him and let him decide whether to pursue a marriage or pursue divorce. This will also allow you to establish the guidelines for a separation if you both need time to sort yourselves out and make a decision about where from here.
I think you will need a professional to help you establish the path to one direction or the other. Hope this helps.
Thankyou VLR for your reply. I am already waiting for some information on suitable counsellors from my gp. Don't think that husband will do this now though.
There have been a lot more issues actually. I have always clearly defined what I want from him, but he has never felt able to communicate his needs to me. I think therefore he is happy. Then as always one too many things spills it over for him, and he tells me he is not.
For once in my life I am stuck for words. The last few weeks I knew exactly where I was going, was getting stronger, making changes. This has knocked me right back, and now I am wondering about him again, is he thinking of me, is he sad, is he angry etc etc. Last week I was more, well if it happens it will.
I do think I am worth more than the way he has treated me in the past, but there is always a very nice side of him too.
I now don't know if I can handle being friens, last week I did. I also feel so out of control not knowing about our finances, but this is of my own making. If I contact hime he will think I am saying its ok again? This time I wanted him to know that there is a consequence for those sort of actions.
When you say you don't know about finances do you mean you don't have access to the account statements to see how much is deposited and spent in a month? Couldn't you find out by looking at account statements and bills with or without his assistance?
It sounds like your husband has had multiple emotional affairs with various women. These EAs may have been ego boosts for him, but that behavior is considered cheating and is DESTRUCTIVE to your marriage and is a horrible betrayal. No wonder why you feel so upset.
You should know that his behavior is not your fault. Cheating is not a solution to his unhappiness. Do not allow him to blame you for HIS actions.
You have not given him any consequences for cheating. He needs help for his cheating and his depression and self esteem (which are all related). Tell him that you are filing for divorce unless he gets individual counseling and takes full responsibility for his dishonest and destructive behavior. If he refuses, file for D. Life is too short to spend with someone who uses all his time and energy having EAs with other women in secret.
VLR we have separate accounts, we were working together to make an easy transition for both of us. I would stay at the house, and he would find a place close by. He was on the settee, but while in the same house we were working together and he was working extra shifts and saving. Now I have pushed him, he was going to ask for a loan. I always deal with our bills, I am afraid he will take on more than is feasible and we shall build up debt.
Laurae, yes you are right about his eaís,but he always blames himself ,just does not do anything about it. As he has told me he does not want to be with me, there is no point in asking him to go to counselling. I think he does need time on his own, possibly then if we had got on ok, and wanted to try again I would have stipulated the need to go to counselling.
I am not ready for divorce, and cannot afford it. He has been asking my daughter on the phone how I was and may call me again tomorrow, not sure how to handle this. I really feel we need to talk but donít feel ready. Want him to call, but will be easier if he does not. I was already to move on last week with or with out him. Despite the upset on Sunday it felt more Ďrealí than it had for a long time and in many ways was honest and even productive. This is what has put me back. Now I am seeing that there was a chance, possibly.
Planning to separate was sad, but this has left me with no closure at all.
Whether your H wants to go to counseling or not, you should still go for yourself. It will do you a lot of good.
As for your H, if you can't handle being his friend right now then don't. Discuss issues at hand (children, finances, etc) but nothing about your relationship or even the weather for that matter.
I personally believe that most marriages can be saved. If there is serial cheating or abuse and nobody is willing to get help then that is a deal breaker. You need to set some boundaries of what you will and will not put up with, and then stick to them.
For the record, EA's are not just harmless fun, so your H is out of line for saying there isn't anything wrong with flirting.
Trust is a hard thing to get back once it has been lost. It's not impossible, but it's a lot of work.
There is no such things as just flirting for a married person unless that flirting is with their spouse. Period. No room for compromise. Flirting is the human courtship dance. If eh is flirting with another person he is spreading his pea**** feathers for another woman or doing his hawk clutch of death with another hawk (some breeds of hawk grab each others talons and they dive torawrds the ground) etc and so forth. It is not excusable it is not appropriate and until he stops that there is nothing to save because he will always be half out of the marriage.
Thanks everyone I do feel stronger from your replies. I will have individual counselling. I live in uk, it is expensive and we tend not to have as much health insurance as you so may have to wait a while.
When people reply to me I often look up and read their threads, which I have done today and it realy helps me.
If he does phone me,I will think carefully about what I say. I will let him know how bad I feel (but not in a self pitying way). I think he knows any way. I know he thinks a lot of me. Am again in the frame of mind that if this is meant to be it will be (for this hour anyway-) things change so easily don't they, but hey it's a start...........
Need to make some arrangements for our daughter's birthday as well. If he calls. I still don't feel I want or am able to call him yet. I think this is good in a way as it will convey my hurt, as I am usually a 'solution finder', and always have a plan. This time I don't-well not as regards us. This time he has had a consequence for his actions. Me speaking to the woman, having to beg a bed at our friends, them knowing the situation etc etc
Have not contacted him all week. Know he has asked our daughter about me and I had a missed call.
Received e mail friday . Jist of it-briefly and it had a friendly tone.
Guess you know where I am staying...
Hope you are ok, but know you are not, also know you hate me right now.
You got wrong idea about those txts, though you have every reason to doubt me.
We were having a really nice weekend, which is why I asked you to go out.
I am moving into new place (Just around the corner from us!) early nxt wk.
I really want us to get along.
........ says grandparents coming for birthday on Sun I am working both days, but will go and fetch them after work-let me know.
Yes I know where you are staying (mutual friends of ours) I have been speaking to ..... bout what has happened since Sunday.
I do not want to talk on e mail about what happened on Sunday, I have tried this way to correspond recently and you ignored me. Let me know when you want to talk to me. I feelmessed up in your mess, wonder what was real in our marriage. Need to talk to get back on track myself. Thought I was doing ok but this has set me back.
Can give you towels sheetsetc
Can you reassure me about finances have not gone to solicitor am afraid you have taken on too much to manage financially.
Appreciate you fetching mum and dad.
I read it to friends they thought it good stuck to what needed to be done no emotion.
Did not receive anything back-so not sure how he feels as I have not answered anything in a personal way.
I am dreading today, as we will not be able to talk. I have to put up a front , (my parents very old and unwell, afraid an upset of this kind would literally kill my frail mum).
He has told me that he wants to be involved still in care of my parents so that is a genuine gesture to both my parents and me.
I have so many things in my head though which I do not know if they are true or untrue. I feel I do not want to be friendly towards him at this moment, but then if he is helping out?
I am really stuck. It's all well and good doing 180 when there is distance, but when he is actually helping ? Then what ??
Sounds like you're handling it all as best as could be expected. It may help to think through the various aspects of your relationship and how it needs to be structured for now.
1) The personal marriage relationship - based on the violation and brokenness, what does the next phase have to be like to give you room to sort out how to proceed?
2) Financial management - who's spending what, paying what and handling the administration of what?
3) Family business - who's doing what in running the day to day business of the household?
4) Communication - what are you willing to talk about, what do you need to talk about, what are you not willing to talk about? How will you talk about it and what are the rules you want to establish?
VLR thanks for that, it looks sound advice-just not sure I want to see him at present.
he came on Sunday, for our daughters birthday. First time I had seen himproperly in 7 days, and a birthday, and my elderly parents there, who we are not telling we have separated! Not too much pressure. We talked, shouted a bit. Tried to straighten a few things out, but not that successfully. Sid he was hapy to meet to talk again, just to let him know when. Said I would txt. However I just don't feel i want to. The sadness and failure seems to have overtaken me. Things he has done have really hit home. Also I amagine what I want to say, and realise that the way I would say them would not be helpful, and would be reverting back to the 'old me' who I always believed was right, and would still be my trying to assert some control. The main reason I think he is on his own now.
He moved as much as he could out to the room he is renting closeby yesterday. Our daughter helped him, and they went for coffee afterwards.
I just don't think I will send that txt. I think he needs his freedm, and if he is to want at any time to come back it must be of his own doing and thinking. I won't feel good negotiating meetings, with agendas. However if he suggests us doing something, even with our daughter I don't know if I am up for that either. Then I think and feel frightened that I may loose him all together. But that is my control problem, I have to let it go. [B]Does any of this make sense-thoughts appreciated please anyone!!!?[B]
Taking my daughter away for 2 nights the weekend, so that will be a nice break.
Update- I had a good weekend with my daughter, went out with friend last night. Getting more work, and feeling better in general. Not seen husband. He has been fulfilling family responsibilities.
Has not had a day off in 3 weeks in order for me to be able to stay in our house if possible.
Daily contact with our daughter.
Tried to contact my son last week to talk about our separation.
Helping my parents, offered to take my dad for hospital appt.
Asks my daughter how I am .
He left it with me to contact him when I felt ready to talk, and after the weekend I di, so when we got back I phoned him after he got home, and said Did he want to meet me. I said that I would like to talk in attempt to get things back to where they were before he moved out, but did not know if it was possible. (We were working towards an amicable separation, I had stopped pushing and we were getting on so well-untilo I found the txts).
He was very keen, said of course he wanted to see me, knew I had not been alrigh, but that he was the cause and that he knew I would not have wanted to talk to him. He is away until Friday possibly Sat a.m., but said he would text me when he was leaving and we would go out that evening! I said he might be tired and we could do it another time, but he said no as long as I leave Friday we will go then-so he is keen to see me!
Under no illusion that this is about reconciliation, but about a mutual caring for each other after 20 yrs.
My dilemma is that although I think the suggestions in VLRís post are sound I donít feel ready for such a structured conversation. We will talk money, although he said I must just tell him what I need he does not want me to account why.
I just feel like I want him to talk and I want to just listen. I have control issues and can hear myself saying all sorts of things I really donít want to. I feel if I listen more, I wonít show so much emotion, will help him relax etc etc and I will come away feeling better in myself. I donít really want to talk about what is acceptable for now with us, just talk, and leave door open for more talk. Does this all sound too wishy washy?
Neither of us wants to divorce at present-I donít know why and donít want to at present.