On Sunday I asked my husband to leave our home when things came to a situation I could no longer cope with. I have now put my self in a situation where I do not know whether I should get in contact with him or not and would welcome some advice.
Oct 2010 following a bitter diappointment to him he appeared depressed, resentful towards me, lost interest in our daughter, his friends and hobbies. Would not seek help. Finally told me in Feb under pressure that he did not feel the same way about me. He has done things which have hurt me , led me to not trust him, but he has felt under more suspicion than he really was. Feels he has had to be too accountable. By my own admission I have prevented him doing things he really wanted to, such as join territorial army. Felt he needed to get away sort himself out, do the things he had missed. No promise of reconcilliation but took on extra shifts to allow me to keep house, and us to remain friendly, but not asking me to wait around. We agreed to keep rings on and tell each other if we wanted to start relationship with someone else.
I began 180 to some degree, and things have started to change significantly, to a point where he almost admitted we did have a chance, and that he might even consider individual counselling. His self esteem very low, and he knows his faults, thinks he cannot change. Does not want to take the responsibility I feel.
The weekend very good both doing our own thing, we spoke of finances upon separation, and Sunday he asked if I wanted to go out in the afternoon for a few drinks. (nothing like this in past 8 weeks). I already had plans though, but felt a shift in the right direction whatever the outcome.
Oct 2009 I found a secret phone, he had bought when away and his own phone did not have a signal in the place he was at. He had kept it and been txting someone from an organisation he worked with. Nothing physical had happened. He is not very aware of boundaries, and liked the excitement of this secret. I spoke directly to her, she told me herself that he is inappropriate with everyone, and that she had confided in him when her finace had cheated on her, their friendship had grown. I know her now husband and know nothing happened, but after that I had a year when I was very upset and gave h a very hard time.
Sunday when things improved, I suddenly had a feeling to check his phone just to make sure nobody else involved. I found txts from a work colleague, nothing very sexual, but lots of things you could read into, and xxx
, miss you etc. I have not checked his phone since that last episode, as wanted to trust him.
He says nothing going on, txts had become like that in last few weeks, which they had. I contacted her, I sort of believe that there was nothing more. I told her a few choice things about his past, and she advised me to 'dump the f.....! However whether there is or not, I was so hurt that we had been working towards an ammicable split and it felt tainted now. We also separat ed 12 years ago for two years following a short affair he had (following my 4 year depression).
I just did not know what to think and told him to go, I was so upset. Bearing in mind I have been in a limbo since Oct. He is now staying at mutual frinds. He phoned me Monday to see how I was. I told him devestated, He asked if I would be home in the morning, I said no. I asked did he care how I was, and he said of course, I would not ring if not. Also it was not my intention to upset you.
He is now looking for accommodation close to where we live which was his original plan. There is no way he can afford a flat, should be a room. I need to talk to him about finances, but feel too emotional. I want to know how he is. My daughter said he seemed sad and quiet. I don't like to ask our frinds too much as they are in a difficult situation.
I have lost even more weight.
What should I do, contact him to talk. If so just about finances. Will he want to talk after I was very non committal on the phone and he did make the first move. He is not likely to try again is he?
I have made an even bigger mess for myself. He said he did not think it was wrong it was flirting and that was all. He had told me not to wait for him , and did not see anything wrong with having female friends. He said he did not want a relationship, and I sort of believe him as he is not very proud of his sexual performance at the moment another reason for low self-esteem.
Please someone advise me!! I am so sad and lost thinking about our nice weekend, and now this! It is also our daughter's 16th birthday on Sunday, and I don't know whether to buy gifts from both of us or what. Thoughts please!!!